more thoughts on baptism and some personal testimony

So, yesterday I gave my thoughts on why I didn't think Christians should baptize infants. Since then, I have been thinking about a related question... If not at birth, then when should the child of believing parents be baptized? This is a difficult question for me and for some other Christian parents I have spoken with.

I don't remember a time when I didn't believe in the existence of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I remember as a child, the communion plate was passed and the unbaptized weren't allowed to participate. My grade school friends and I wanted to be able to participate, but we didn't know when we were supposed to be baptized. We and the adults in our lives seemed to be waiting for some significant moment when it would "hit us," and we would know it was time to be baptized. Finally, for me, it was after 4th grade church camp, when I had had a particularly monumental growing experience in Christ that week. I remember being in a class on 1 John and being so struck and convicted about how I needed to really exercise the love of God toward my peers and family. However, I wasn't coming to that realization from a point of non-faith - I was coming to it as someone who already believed and was realizing more profound practical realities of the faith. However, it was enough of a turning point, and I was tired enough of waiting to be baptized, so I went forward to be baptized. I remember my Mom was so happy and moved by my baptism, and I wasn't as emotional as she was (although I was happy and blessed to have had the experience). I think the reason I wasn't as emotional is because it felt to me so long in coming. But then again, I tend to be less outwardly emotional than my Mom in general.

Now, my 4 1/2 year old son Jacob has a precious understanding of faith. I think he is a great example of why Jesus said we need to have faith like children. When he was still fairly little, Heath started reading the Bible to him every night before bed. We started with a toddler board-book Bible, graduated to a thicker, more detailed preschooler Bible, and finally to an even more detailed children's Bible. They read through each at least once, and I believe multiple times. Jacob would tell us Bible stories at random moments, with a surprising amount of accurate detail. The best thing I can remember him doing, though, was singing us a song in the car one time. He was making up songs about various Bible stories, and after he had already sung a couple, he said, "Okay now I'm going to sing a sad song." He sang a song about Jesus's crucifixion, with a haunting made-up melody. He said how they put "screws" in Jesus hands and put "pokeys" on his head (this was about a year to a year and a half ago, his vocabulary is much more advanced now), and how they hurt him. He said how they put him in a tomb, and Mary came to visit him, but he wasn't there, because he had come back to life. I can still hear his little voice raising in excitement at that part.

One night not too long after that, Heath was explaining the concept of accepting Jesus and asking Him to come live in your heart. Jacob wanted to do it right then. So he prayed and did. Since then, we've let him take communion with us in church if he's with us during that part of the service. We remind him what communion is all about as we participate together.

After Jacob's prayer, I began to think: When should he be baptized? Obviously, he has sincere faith and a basic understanding of the Gospel even now. But we know, as his brain develops and matures more, as he develops abstract thought and reasoning skills, faith will become more complicated for him.

Heath and I both went through this during our teen years. I became depressed and even suicidal at times beginning in junior high. I never doubted that God existed or was the God I had grown up learning about and believing in. But I wondered why he was allowing me to suffer, and I railed against Him. At times, I rebelled against Him by doing things that I thought would most offend Him - drinking, smoking, running with a wild crowd. I thought, well, God, if you won't provide nice friends for me, then I will have to find a way to survive on my own - and this crowd accepts me as I am. It wasn't until I was 16 at church camp again, that I realized that God did love me, despite the trials I had gone through. That was when I decided to stop rebelling against Him and receive His love and strength for the trials.

I can't speak too much for Heath's experience, but I know he went through a revival of his faith when he was 16, also, after a mission's trip. Thankfully, he didn't have all the same rebellion experiences I did (good friends are so important!), but whatever rebellion or lack of commitment was there was set aside after that point.

This was the point when our faith became so very important to us, as a daily part of life. At the time, I thought, now this would have been a really meaningful time to be baptized! I felt like I finally really knew what it meant to be crucified with Christ and rise to new life in Him - as is illustrated by baptism. But I did not get rebaptized, because I felt that my baptism at age 9 was still valid since I did really believe at that time, despite having not yet been tested in my faith. But I have struggled with questions: When was I first "saved"? Was there a point in between age 9 and age 16, or prior to age 9, when I wasn't saved?

I am afraid I am starting to ramble, but I guess what it comes down to is that this is one more reason that I do understand why parents baptize infants. Of course the child will share the parent's faith, at least until a certain point in life. Children believe what their parents teach them (what an awesome responsibility!). So, if the child is going to have faith in childhood, but not yet be baptized, how does that make sense? Aren't all those with faith supposed to be baptized? Do we not allow them to be baptized because we know they don't fully understand what faith will require of them throughout the rest of their lives, and how hard it might be some times to hold on to it? I know many Amish and Mennonite groups don't allow their children to be baptized until they are teenagers and fully understand the faith. For me, when I was baptized at age 9, even though I had a greater understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus than I did at, say, 3 years old, I didn't know the trials I would face in the coming years any more than I did when I was 3 years old.

I am just voicing my thoughts here; I don't have any conclusion really, except that there seem to be problems with either approach when it comes to baptism of children of believers. Maybe those of you from a different church background have some helpful perspectives to share?

thoughts on Orthodoxy.... (Eastern Orthodoxy that is)

When we were visiting Heath's hometown (GC) for Christmas, we had the chance to talk briefly to one of our friends there who has decided to join the Eastern Orthodox Church. His decision is especially interesting considering another friend, from Heath's office, is also considering joining, and we have known four of our fellow Bible college students who joined after college. What is it about Eastern Orthodoxy that is drawing these former non-denominational church members?

We have been reading a book that our friend from GC lent us called "Becoming Orthodox." We have also looked up several internet articles and dug up a copy of the Orthodox Study Bible that my Uncle Mark gave me ten years ago, which has some very helpful articles as well. In college, I learned of the split in 1054 A.D. between the Western and Eastern branches of the "One Holy Catholic Apostolic" Church (Western, now known as Roman Catholic, and Eastern, now known as Eastern Orthodox). However, I always thought that the two branches were pretty much the same except that the Eastern church has icons and rejected the filoque clause in the creed (which was the cause of the split). I have to admit, there were some things I didn't know...

Two doctrines in particular which are troublesome to non-Catholics are the Immaculate Conception of Mary and the Infallibility of the Pope. I discovered these doctrines were incorporated into the Roman church after the split. So that knocks two off the list of things that concern or confuse me about the Eastern church.

However, there are still parts of the Eastern church that confound me as much as they did in the Catholic church. I know part of this is my upbringing, hearing the people around me in my non-denominational protestant church voice their own disagreement or bafflement at certain Catholic doctrines or practices. One such practice is the veneration of Mary. When I read the Orthodox church's statement regarding Mary, I agree with the basis of it - she definitely was honored and blessed as no other woman in history has been. But the actual practice of it makes me sooooo uncomfortable. I also understand the Orthodox perspective on praying to the Saints. I understand the perspective, and I don't think it is a problem doctrinally, but I just don't buy it, really. I think, "Why? Why wouldn't I just pray to God myself?" I understand it is supposed to be similar to asking a friend or pastor in the physical realm to pray for you, but when I do that, I do it partially for the advice I might receive and the tangible support I feel from them. I don't think I would get the same benefit from asking a Saint, who I have not known personally and who I presumably can't get feedback from.

The other major hitch for me about Orthodoxy is infant baptism. Now, this is definitely a major hitch, because if we are concerned with going back to how the first Church did things, then infant baptism just might be a part of it. For the children of the first Church members, that is. (The very first Church members were older children or adults who heard the Gospel at Pentecost, accepted it and were baptized, as recorded in Acts - although some would say when whole households were baptized as recorded later in Acts, that it also included babies.) It appears that as early as the 100's or 200's, babies of church members were being baptized. Maybe it was even earlier, but we don't have any record of it. Infant baptism may have began because the early church believed that something actually happened in baptism, and they wanted that something to happen to their children. I understand the early church's belief that something actually happened in baptism, because I think the scriptures support that view. However, what I have long believed is somewhat different from the Orthodox view in that I have assumed that the reason something happens in baptism is because of the faith it expresses; that it is, basically, the means that God has provided or decreed for us to express our belief and repentance, and that is what gives it its power. For my friends or acquaintances that have faith but for some reason have not been baptized, I have always believed that they are still saved by their faith, although I felt they should still go ahead and receive a baptism of faith for the spiritual benefit and blessing that it will bring. I can't explain exactly what that benefit or blessing is - I agree with the Orthodox perspective there, too, that it is a "mystery of grace." It (along with the Lord's Supper) is something God set up as a means of us responding to Him and receiving His grace, and we just need to trust Him on that.

I did some more reading to try to understand the perspective of those who baptize infants, and it became clear that for at least some, they believe that the act of baptism alone can initiate faith. That despite the infant's incapacity to understand and accept the Gospel, God can still provide spiritual blessing and benefit through baptism, which will then lead to later faith. They point out that even our faith was not our own doing - it is God who moved in our hearts and brought us, as older children or adults, to faith and to baptism to express that faith. So, they say, we can trust God to use baptism to initiate faith in the child. I do think proponents of infant baptism believe you must continue to hold on to faith throughout your life in order to be saved, but that it is still through your faith and baptism together (both gifts of God) that you are being saved. Even if that baptism happened prior to your faith. The proponents of infant baptism say, "Why would we want to deny the grace of baptism to a child?" rather than "Why would we baptize an infant who cannot have belief?"

These explanations are interesting to me, but they don't really convince me that Christians should have their infants baptized. Even though I believe in the mysterious grace of baptism, I have trouble seeing how that can apply to an infant. If there is no belief on behalf of the participant, then how is baptism any different than giving the infant a public bath? I guess proponents might answer that it is because of the faith and commitment of the sponsors, parents, and church family involved, who are committed to raising the child in the faith, or perhaps they would answer that it is because of the authority of the priest performing the ceremony?

The final, practical matter of Orthodoxy that would keep many protestants away is the liturgy. Granted, the liturgy is beautiful. It contains lots of doctrine and scripture, which are reinforced and celebrated each time it is spoken - provided the speaker is paying attention. Yet, it is the same beautiful words every week, and as humans who become too easily accustomed to the familiar, I see how many would not even pay attention to what they are saying, how they would begin to think there was some magic in simply saying the words, not that the magic is in what the words attest to, the miracle of Christ saving us. I understand having a plan for worship, a structure to make sure all the various aspects are included (and often times we non-liturgical folk sadly lack this), but I don't see the necessity of having exactly the same words to express the thoughts of worship each week. Didn't David always want to sing a new song to the Lord? While I value and enjoy the rote prayers and hymns that have been collected by the Church through the centuries, I think we have to also leave room for that new song in our hearts for the Lord.

wonderful weekend!

I had a wonderful weekend! My mom showed up unexpectedly in Wichita, and lunch together turned into her staying the night when I lured her with the prospect of seeing Jacob's Christmas program at church (see the video on Nattyman's blog!). Church was great, the kids' program was delightful, and Mom and I were able to spend some rare time alone together the next day lunching and shopping. I collected ideas for presents, but didn't buy very much yet. Hopefully I'll be able to go back out and purchase items in the next day or two.

Ethan's intestinal virus cleared up on Sunday, and that was a cause for celebration as well. No more screaming and writhing in pain while we change his diaper 5 or 6 times a day. I think it lasted about 3 weeks total. We started feeding him yogurt every day last week, and I think it really helped.

I hope you all had an equally delightful weekend!

thank you

The discipline situation in our house does seem to be stablizing. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and encouragement. While I was trying to sort out my thoughts on the issue of discipline, I wrote an article about the various philosophies of discipline that are prevalent in our society. If anyone is interested, here is the link: http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dg33wtj7_2gvztsc

If you are a parent you may be familiar with most of the information, but it was helpful to me to outline it all in an objective tone. Now if I could write a critical review of each method, that would really be something... :-) If any of you would like to undertake that, I'd love to read it.

aliens!

We stayed home all day waiting for a UPS delivery, which finally arrived a few minutes ago. We contacted UPS earlier today, and they said someone would have to be home to sign for the package. So around 5 pm, the doorbell rings and I rush down the stairs to sign for the package. Jacob tries to beat me to the door, and as he is on his way, he yells, "Someone is here! Do you think it is aliens?" He had been watching Postcards from Buster, and Buster was visiting Roswell, NM.

Incidently, when I opened the door, the UPS driver had left our package on the porch (without a signature) and was walking back to the truck.

more on discipline

Heath and I have both been seeking counsel about our discipline issues with the kids, and everyone seems to be saying the same thing. Everyone is saying, basically, that consistency is the key. That we just need to be determined, and keep after it.

I think the thing that has been discouraging me lately is that I usually have one strong-willed child (Jacob) and one slightly less strong willed child (Ethan). I am used to the psychological and emotional effort required for that mix. But ever since Ethan got this intestinal virus, he has been cranky and unreasonable and difficult to please. His whole personality is different. (We did take him to the doctor today, and he is otherwise healthy; the doctor said the virus will just have to run its course.) So now instead of one child demanding and resisting and throwing fits, I have two.

Right now, for instance, Ethan is screaming in his bedroom because I had the audacity to change his diaper and lay him down for a nap when he was obviously exhausted. He was also mad about his pillow and blankets not being how he wanted them, but nothing I did to fix them made him happy. Also, I tried to take him a drink of water, but it wasn't in the right cup (not that I know which cup would have been the "right" one) so that just made him more mad, too. Our bedtime rules are 1) stay in bed and 2) be quiet. Thank God, he is obeying rule number 1, but he is nowhere close to obeying rule number 2. I spanked him for not being quiet, actually for being the opposite of quiet by throwing a huge screaming fit, but I eventually gave up and simply left the room. So that wasn't exactly a great example of consistency or sticking with it. But at least I didn't let him get up.

Meanwhile, Jacob has been pretty well behaved since yesterday afternoon, except for one incident at lunch. He ran away from Heath at The Waterfront - a very similar situation to what started all of our trouble yesterday. We took away TV for the rest of the day, and he's been pretty well behaved since. I struggle with knowing how much to let slide and how much to crack down, in trying to be consistent. If Jacob tries to convince me to change my mind about what I have asked him to do, rather than doing it immediately, does that warrant punishment? Does he get one appeal, one clarification, and then he is to drop it or get spanked? I struggle with balance. Sometimes I wonder if they are really capable of complying with what I am asking, in the way I want them to, anyway. I wish this came easily to me, that I felt confident about it. Disciplining is definitely the hardest part of parenting for me.

I am having a bad day. I am feeling like there is nothing I can do to influence whether or not Jacob is going to obey me. He doesn't care if I spank him, or put him in his room, or take away privileges. I mean, he cares at the moment, because he doesn't like the punishment when it occurs, but it doesn't make him any more likely to obey in the future - it doesn't change his attitude.

Dr. Dobson, in his book Dare to Discipline and also in The Strong Willed Child, describes how spanking is the best response when a child is willfully disobedient. He describes a scenerio where the child is testing the parent: The parent makes a rule and the child purposefully disobeys, in part to see if the parent is really serious about his/her word. The parent responds by spanking, and telling the child why he got spanked, at which point the child becomes repentant. Afterwards, the child and parent are back on good terms, and the child knows the parent means what he/she says.

It doesn't work this way for me. My children don't become repentant. They are mad they got spanked, and they may offer an apology if it is requested, but it doesn't break the spirit of willful disobedience. They still want their way more than they want to obey me. Jacob will even try to explain to me, "But I just wanted to do such and such..." Even as I am trying to explain to him why it is important to obey.

So, on days like this, I feel like I am completely ineffectual. And it is depressing because I feel completely out of control of my environment. I feel like despite everything I have read and tried to learn about discipline, I really know nothing, and I really have no influence.

Sorry to be such a downer. I'll probably remove this when I have a good day tomorrow, anyway.

Christmas Cheer

Even though I said some harsh things about Christmas in my Thanksgiving post, there are definitely things about the Christmas season that I enjoy (but I tend to forget about them until I actually do them again). One of the things I love is decorating the tree. Heath spent 2 hours or so putting it together and getting the tips spread out perfectly, then I enjoyed the privilege of decorating.

Another thing that I enjoy during the Christmas season is watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, which we did as a family a couple of nights ago. We are also going to try to make construction paper garlands and popcorn garlands today, which brings back warm childhood memories. I don't know if my kids are quite old enough for it yet, but we'll try it.

Submissive Sarah

In my women's Bible study this week, we studied Sarah. Sarah is held up as an example of submissive, godly behavior in the New Testament (1 Peter 3:6). This is so interesting to me, because I would not have perceived her as incredibly submissive from the stories in scripture. In some ways, yes - she followed Abraham's instructions to say she was his sister instead of saying she was his wife, even though it put her in a difficult, scary situation. Also, she followed his orders to quickly make food for the angels when they visited. (Have you ever noticed in the footnotes that he asks her to knead 36 lbs. of flour?)

But in other passages, her submission is not as apparent. Genesis 16:2 So she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." [Later, after Abraham agreed to and carried out the plan:] 16:5-6 Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me." "Your servant is in your hands," Abram said. "Do with her whatever you think best." Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. 21:10 And [later, after Hagar had returned,] she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac."

I guess these passage prove that being submissive to authority doesn't mean you don't make suggestions or present your ideas! When I think of submission, I think of someone yielding their will to someone else's will, even if they might disagree. Since they both seem to agree on the course they should take in these passages, I don't see submission in action very much. Maybe if she had tacked on a disclaimer to her request... "But whatever you think is best, Abram, whatever you think God is telling you, too, let's do that..." I guess it's hard to see the attitude behind her request based on just a couple of quotes, and with those quotes translated across a language and cultural barrier, too.

dangerous roles

With the wave of celebrity divorces lately, it has me thinking. Obviously, the Hollywood environment contributes to the high divorce rate. It wouldn't be easy on a marriage for one or both partners to be performing kissing scenes (or worse) with someone other than each other.

So, should we as Christians, who want to promote the sacredness of marriage vows and want to look out for the well-being of our neighbors (even our neighbors in Hollywood), not support movies in which a married actor or actress makes out with someone other than their spouse? If we saw this happening in real life - someone we knew passionately kissing someone other than their spouse for whatever reason - I think we would do everything we could to discourage it.

This would be a hard standard for me to implement, because I like romantic comedies. Beyond that, many action or suspense movies have a romantic subplot as well. So there might not be many movies left to watch, and watching movies has traditionally been something Heath and I really enjoy. But it is something I have been considering, nonetheless. I'm not saying that any movie with a romantic subplot is a danger to the marriages of the actors and actresses; some movies have fairly chaste and brief kissing scenes. But that seems to be the exception rather than the norm lately.

family

Back Row: Uncle Larry, my brother Jeff, Craig's girlfriend Nicole, my cousin Craig holding his son Keagen, Laura's son John, Gina's husband Tad, Aunt Connie, Uncle Ken. Front Row: Aunt Phyllis, my mom Bonnie, me holding Ethan, my cousin Gina holding daughter Kate, Laura's son Gene, my cousin Laura, Laura's son Gene. Lower Front: Jacob and Gina's daughter Anna.

Me with my cousin Gina

cousins

Keagen and Kate

Jacob and Anna

Ethan and Anna

discussion questions

When do you think a soul is imparted to an individual?

What do you think is the best evidence for the existence of God?

Thanksgiving

Thank God for antibiotics. After two days of Zithromax, I can breathe again without constant doses of albuterol. Yay!

I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And this year, we get to have it at our house! I know I have tons of cleaning ahead of me, and I probably won't get the house as clean as I'd like before my family gets here, but I'm still really looking forward to it. I feel like the Thanksgiving holiday is all about family. Christmas is commercialized and materialistic, and causes me more stress than joy, unfortunately. Halloween is a controversy, and Independence Day is a party, but Thanksgiving is a celebration of family and home.

If everyone shows up, we'll have over 20 people here. We'll have turkey, ham, pheasant and quail, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, corn, sweet potatoes, rolls, pumpkin and pecan pies. New world foods. (Well, for the most part anyway.) Then the men will watch sports on TV and the women will talk while we clean up and then while we relax around the kitchen table. The children will be occupied playing with their cousins. Half of the group will drift off for naps, and then everyone will come back together for leftovers in the evening.

So, what are your Thanksgiving rituals?

Pump It Up

Sunday, the boys went to a birthday party at Pump-It-Up. For those of you who might not know, Pump-It-Up is a party rental place that has inflatable playthings for kids. The kids all had a great time. Below are pictures of the kids enjoying the inflatables; one of the birthday girls opening presents and the other crashed on Mommy, too tired to open presents after all the excitement; Ethan with the little car he spent most of the play time driving, since he was a little scared of the inflatables; and the birthday girls and our boys with cupcakes.

 

calorie conundrum

Is it possible that my body is sucking twice the resources out of everything I eat now that I am pregnant? I really don't get it. I think I am only eating enough calories to maintain my current weight, but I just keep gaining. I didn't gain like this in the first trimester with either of my other pregnancies. But calorie counting has never worked for me anyway, I guess - I must have a really, really slow metabolism. If I'm ever part of a famine, I will probably be one of the last survivors. Not that I would be very excited at that prospect.

GC 11/10-11/13

Any of you from GC who read my blog... will you be around 11/10-11/13? I think we'll be back to visit then. Hopefully for a 4-day weekend since Heath has lots of PTO to use up. Lunch? Dinner? Huge party? Let's make plans. :-) Can't wait to see you all....

Superman and Rodney Copperbottom (sans mask)

candy and costumes

Much to Ethan's dismay, we actually gave away all of our halloween candy this year! Horray, we live in a real neighborhood now. :-) Before trick-or-treaters arrived, we filled a large bowl with the candy and sat it by the door. Ethan kept retreiving the bowl and guarding it, saying "My candy." He actually yelled, "Go away!" at one group of trick-or-treaters who arrived when the candy was running low. They just laughed. As he watched the level of candy diminish with each group of trick-or-treaters, he would look in the bowl sadly and say, slowly and quietly, "My candy..."

When the candy started getting low in our give-away bowl, we got the kids dressed up in their costumes to go out in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, we had let Jacob play with his costume ahead of time, and the mask had disappeared. We still haven't found it. But it didn't seem to matter in the end - I was more upset about it than he was. They both nearly filled their buckets, and they were thrilled.

We were freezing ("like ice cubes in ice water" - one of Jacob's newest similes) by the time we got back to the house, so we made our first fire of the season. We have never had a gas fireplace lighter before, so it was quite a show to watch Heath light it. Now we know, you don't have to turn the knob until you actually hear the gas coming out. Ah, I love having an adventurous husband. The fire was perfect, though, and we warmed up in front of it while we sorted the candy and the kids and I ate a few pieces.

So, we finally gave in and got Dish Network. I feel so worldly (my apologies to all of you who already had Dish - no insult intended). They finally sucked us in with their $19.99 package, which of course turned into $31.98 after we added local channels and DVR. Ah well.

The funny thing is, I didn't realize how different it would be for the kids to have "real" kids channels instead of just PBS. For one thing, they have been mesmerized - there are shows on all the time! Something else that is new to the kids are commercials. I don't know how many times I have heard over the last few days, "Mommy, can we get that?" I overheard a conversation between Heath and Jacob in which Heath was trying to explain that we couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't buy everything we see on TV. Jacob sounded honestly bewildered by the idea. Whyever not? From his perspective, he had no idea that all these cool toys were available; it is breaking news and now that he knows, he must act!

So, my conclusion is that we are going to record anything they might want to watch, and fast forward the commercials. This will also prevent them from getting sucked into cartoons that I don't want them to watch, that come on after the ones that they are allowed to watch. Boy, I sound like a crazy person. But there are actually cartoons that are not suitable for kids, I promise!

and thanksgiving....

I am thankful that one of the kids' favorite shows came on right after I threw up, so I could rest while they were occupied with it. I am also thankful that I was able to change Ethan just now without throwing up a second time, and that Jacob is big enough now to actually carry the jug of milk out of the fridge and bring it to me to fill his cup.

prayer request

Please pray for me today. It seems that the throwing up has started. I'm scared - scared that it will last until 20 weeks like it did with Jacob, or the whole pregnancy like it did with Ethan. I am desperately trying to trust God. I believe he can keep me healthy through the whole prenancy so that I can carry the baby until he or she is ready to be born. I know that morning sickness (which should be called all-day sickness) is a normal part of a healthy pregnancy for half of women, so I don't worry that it means the pregnancy is unhealthy. It just makes it difficult for me to deal with the boys.

I sent in a referral request to the daycare agency yesterday to see if there's anyone in the neighborhood who might accept drop-ins. Or even half-days every day if they must have someone regular (not that I would necessarily take them every day even if we had to pay for it). I know a lot of people have to pay $1000-2000 in insurance deductibles and co-pays to have a baby, but we don't have a deductible on our insurance, so we are going to end up paying just $15 or so for the entire pregnancy. So, if we have to pay $1000 for daycare over the course of the pregnancy, I figure that is still less than a lot of people pay to get a baby. Certainly less than it would cost to adopt. As long as I can find a good daycare where the boys aren't exposed to anything that will undermine what we are trying to teach them here at home, I think it would be okay. Grandma and Gail, are you sure you don't want to move to Wichita? ;-) We also talked about hiring a part-time mother' s helper instead, advertising in the college listings, but that seems so complicated right now. It wouldn't necessarily be any more expensive than daycare, but the thought of the hiring process seems daunting right now.

By the way, my blood pressure is still okay - I've been taking it regularly at it has stayed right around 125/75. My first prenatal doctor appointment is in two weeks. Thank you all for your love and support and prayers, and for reading this far. I am so blessed with the family and friends God has given me.

I haven't posted any pictures for a while, so I thought it was time. Here's a recent one of me with Ethan.

missional

I'm feeling much better today, horray!

We have visited a new church several times lately, and so we have also been visiting the new church's blog: www.wheatlandmission.org. There is much discussion at this church, and in the Church in general, about this idea of "missional living." I thought I knew what this meant, but to make sure I went and read an article suggested on the WM site: http://blindbeggar.org/?p=315 This is a pretty neat article; I like the concrete images used to explain the idea.

After reading the article, though, I thought, "Isn't this just being a Christian?" I mean, if you are really following Christ, and letting yourself be transformed by His Word and His Spirit, isn't this how your life will look? But then I realized, I am just so blessed to be surrounded by the Christians that I know. That's why it seems to me that every Christian wants their life to look like this. Maybe it's because many of us recently read Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller and discussed it at length with each other. Maybe that is what helped us to all get back on the same page and remind each other again what the life of Christ is really about. Not that we are all doing well at living these things, but I think most of the Christians who I know well would read the images from the Blind Beggar article and say "Yes! That's what I want to strive for. Thanks for the reminder and example."

Along these lines... how do we develop relationships with our next-door neighbors? I am here all day, going in and out of the house, and sometimes staying outside for extended periods with the kids. Yet I rarely, rarely see my neighbors. They are gone at work all day. When they do come home, they go inside and don't come back out. My next door neighbors have a beautifully manicured and landscaped back yard with a swingset and a freshly stained covered deck. I have seen them out there one or two times total since we moved in 5 months ago. When we first moved in, we went door to door and introduced ourselves to our neighbors to the north, south, and west. But we have hardly seen them since - just a few words exchanged with the man next door (who I have only seen to speak to during the day when Heath is not here - so hardly appropriate for me to try to deepen that friendship on my own).

Heath is having great opportunities at work though. Besides meeting a couple of other Christian guys he can fellowship with and encourage, he has met several Indian Hindu men. He has started to develop friendships with one or two of them, and hopefully that can be our door to the "outside world." I also have wanted to volunteer at His Helping Hands ever since we moved here, but I haven't been sure of what I could do with the kids in tow.

I guess the bottom line is, we have to continue to encourage each other to "live missionally" - or in my words, to live like Christ would in our time. To not become so isolated, so self-absorbed, so focused on material things or success that we forget to bear one another's burdens, to be humble and ready to serve during the short time we have here on earth - so that Christ's life and message will spread to everyone who is a part of each of our worlds.

barefoot and....

I am definitely feeling pregnant today. Shouldn't it feel glorious and natural to be pregnant? Ah, it is so not the case for me. My head feels swollen and is pounding. I feel like I've taken a sedative and like it's going to cause me to fall instantly into deep sleep, like a narcoleptic. My brain is fuzzy and unwieldy - it's like I've lost all my mental "sharpness." My digestion is all messed up. I feel like my eyes aren't quite tracking, which adds to my already-threatening nausea. Whew, there you have it. Definitely pregnant. It's just part of the deal I guess. Eight months or so of feeling weird and sometimes just plain horrible, in order to be part of God bringing a new soul into the world, a soul that will be part of our family. I am surprised that I did actually forget how this feels, though. I kept telling myself to remember that it was really really hard, and I tried to be prepared, but I guess it is just impossible to really remember. It is easier being at a different place in life this time, though - the physical symptoms are the same, but the attitude and capabilities of each member of the family are different. Heath is being really, really good to me, and the kids demand less from me than they did just 2 years ago.

When I dropped the kids off at the nursery to go to my women's Bible study this morning, the nursery workers told me how well-behaved and pleasant my kids have been lately. That always makes a Mom feel very happy. How ironic considering I was just saying how much trouble I was having with Jacob's behavior at home. But I am really glad that they are good for other people even if not for me. I did buy several books on dealing with strong-willed kids, and last night while reading one I thought, yep, yep, that's Jacob for sure. But then when I was interacting with him today, I realized he's definitely not as extreme as some of the kids described in the book - it's like he's a strong-willed child on half the issues in his life, and he's sweet and easy to train on the other half.

Well, I don't seem to have anything amusing or profound to say today. Sorry about that. :-)

just a picture, please

Thank you, Aunt Gail, for letting Jacob watch Discovery Health. (hah, hah) Just now we were talking about the new baby we are going to have, and finding out whether it is a girl or a boy. He says, shyly, "But Mommy, can you get me a babysitter for that part? It might be kind of scary." And I said, "For the part when they take a picture of the baby through Mommy's tummy? Of course!" And he said, "No, for the part when the baby comes out. I would watch.... [trailing off as he decides how much he wants to agree to watch]... Maybe I'll just see a picture." I, of course, reassured him that he didn't have to be there for that part, that Mommy would have Daddy and a doctor to help me and that he could stay at home with one of his Grandmas.

2 quotes and 2 poems

Uh-oh, it's been a week since I've blogged! I keep thinking of things I want to put on here, but then I don't get the chance and it slips away. Two such things I do remember.... The other morning, Jacob said to me, "Does Daddy have any more dirty work today?" I thought that was so funny, because it made it sound like they had been dumping bodies in the river over the weekend or something. Really, they had been cutting off tree branches and trimming bushes in the back yard. The other thing was this morning. Jacob snuck into our bed, and he was very cold. He whispered, "Mommy, it's like Antartica in my bedroom!" We just read about Antartica in his children's encyclopedia this week, but I was still amazed that he said it perfectly.

I found my old folder of poems this week while digging through boxes in the garage. I think I will post a few on here. Here are a couple from my poetry class:

Life as Normal

14 years old, blonde ponytail, crisp-pleated cheerleading skirt
Sleepy little town in the middle of nowhere
with a brick main street and hideaways on the outskirts of town for illegal beer
Summer-dried grass crunches beneath my feet on the worn path home
Crunch to broken sidewalk to manicured lawn of the First Baptist Church to red dirt alleyway -- Almost home.
White Oldsmobile with a broken taillight resting heavily,
still
in the sloped driveway
Near the modest yellow sided house
with overgrown bushes and a large picture window
Dad's home already?
A lag in my step, almost unnoticeable
And a cold dullness descends
Life as normal in a sleepy small town

My poetry professor thought I was describing a situation where a girl was being abused by her father, and was nervous because she saw he was home early. Yikes! Actually, this was describing an experience I had (maybe several times) right after my Dad died. It's weird how you will forget someone is gone. Your brain just can't comprehend or keep hold of the fact at first. I think this was the poem where you were supposed to use sensory descriptors to set the emotional tone, without describing the emotions explicitly. I got points counted off for the second to the last line because it was too explicit.

Yvonne

One day
We danced
And I thought I'd nearly burst my joy over
flowed

The next day
you left me

alone

I cried wordless prayers

Some day

I'll clasp your small beautiful hands
And we'll spin and dance again
With your wild curls trai
ling

Sorry, these are both really depressing poems, huh? This was a hard semester, I guess. This one is about my friend Yvonne who was killed in a car accident. The assignment was to use visual cues to add depth to the poem (something to that affect anyway). I was describing the joyous little-girl openness and the hope of eternity that we shared in our friendship.

famous people are normal

One thing I didn't talk about in my Peace Treaty post that was amusing was the "famous" people we saw. Martina McBride - who used to sing at our street dances with her family's band, "The Shiffters" (her maiden name is Schiff) - was riding on a motorcycle in the parade with her Dad, and showed up at one of the shows by surprise and sang for 45 minutes or so. We are all glad to see her when she comes back, but no one acts like she is rich and famous - I don't think she really gets treated much differently than any of the other "talent,"and she doesn't seem to mind. I also saw my ex-boyfriend turned Polo underwear model, and got to introduce Heath to him and be introduced to his wife. He was so normal, too, just back living in ML ranching and enjoying his new baby. I always thought he was the most like Heath of any of the boys I had dated in high school, and it was refreshing to see that he still was - he reacted to the surprise of seeing me again and to the opportunity to introduce his wife and new baby just like I imagine Heath would have in the same position. He must have tons of money stored away somewhere from his modeling days, but you wouldn't know it. I'm glad he and my brother are back on good terms now, too - Jeff once damaged his nose in a brawl at his sister's wedding (I know, pretty classy, huh?) right before he was supposed to leave to do runway work in Milan.

the rules

I think I need to ask for prayer for my relationship with Jacob. These last couple of days, he has been testing me an unbelieveable amount of times each day. Simple rules, that I thought we were past, are being broken every 5-10 minutes. I know this is just what kids do, and he needs to have me reinforce the rules and be diligent, but it is really draining. I am trying not to allow my emotions to be affected as much by it today as they were yesterday, and just administer consequences for rules he breaks, knowing full well they are rules.

For your amusement, for those of you who are past this stage of life with your kids, I thought I'd share some of the rules we are having trouble with:
Don't knock over the fan.
Don't throw cars.
Don't lie to us about whether or not you wiped your butt.
Don't steal toys from Ethan.
Go to the bathroom when you need to - don't wait too late.
Don't get objects off of high surfaces that are not meant for you. (i.e. Daddy's dresser, kitchen counters, etc.)

I'm sure the rules will be about more intense, important matters later. I guess that is why I need to obtain their hearts' obedience now. I unplugged the downstairs TV and computer today so that Jacob and I could both be focused on dealing with these issues. (I'm working on the laptop right now because I am more likely to take it outside with them or close it down in an instant to deal with an incident.) I had to deal decisively with some rebellion this morning, but it seems he is doing better right now.... playing outside here nicely. I gave him some stickers for helping to put away some books, and that is always a good motivator for him.

hero!

Something funny that's been happening lately is that after Ethan goes on the potty, he doesn't want us to put his pullup back on. He says, "No, hero!" Which sounds crazy, except that when they get out of the bath, we put their hooded towels on their heads, and they run around the house pretending to be superheros. So, apparently he thinks being naked is what makes you a superhero - rather than having a cape making you a superhero. We asked,"You have to be naked to be a superhero?" And he nodded his head seriously. Finally, Heath convinced him to get dressed and wear the hooded towel on his head as a superhero. "See, Mommy? Hero!"

I am so incredibly tired. Did you know progesterone is a sedative? I have slept 10 hours in the last 24, and I still feel like I could go back to bed for another 2 or 3 hours. Also my sense of smell has already increased. Whew! Nothing really smells good when it smells strong, you know? And I have been peeing about 20 times a day, yet still mysteriously retaining about 2 extra pounds of water. But I'm not complaining; I am so excited.... :-) Just 250 more days! hah

For a lighter-hearted look at this weekend, check out nattyman's blog...

http://nattyman.blogspot.com/2006/10/four-dollars-worth-of-torture.html

This weekend we went to the Peace Treaty celebration in Medicine Lodge. It was wonderful to offer the experience to my children and to live it again through their eyes. It was such a thrilling time when I was a kid! I was part of the celebration each time it occured during my growing-up years, whether in the parade or the reinactment or both. I wish I had made it down to the park to see the Native American Encampment this time, and it would have been nice to see the Western Art Show as well. But there is only so much you can fit in.

This is an event that happens only every 3 years, and many ML natives return to celebrate. I saw several old friends. Two people I saw seemed to recognize me immediately, but they had to tell me who they were, even after I looked directly in their faces.

There is something unique about growing up in a small town, and that is the fact that you go to school with, and are on sports teams with, and grow up alongside the same set of kids for 18 years. So when you see those people again, even if you never got along very well and haven't talked for 10 years, it is kind of like seeing siblings or cousins. You remember each other's most embarrassing moments, each other's awkward phases of growth, and each other's first kisses. You know whose family was considered prestigious and whose family was considered trashy, by whatever (sometimes arbitrary) standards the town might impose. You know which kids were popular and which weren't, because of or despite their family's reputation. You know who went through exceptional hardships or exceptional triumphs. You know which church each person went to, and whether or not they lived like they went to church.

Beyond the common memories, you share a common understanding of the small town culture. You know about the high school "scene" - about cruising the square, hanging out on certain empty street corners, the creepy older guys who would buy beer for the high school parties, and the deserted country spots where those parties would be. You understand how important sports are in a small town, and how the whole town will turn out for a big game, even if it is hours away; how you all feel the pain of the loss or the triumph of the victory - like somehow the abilities of those 11 high school boys represent how well you all have done. You know that the favorite weekend pasttime of most males from 8-80 is hunting for the bulk of the daylight hours, if they aren't helping on a farm somewhere, and that the high school boys are probably carrying shotguns in the pickups they drive to school so that they can shoot coyotes or bobcats they see on the way (and that school officials are probably still looking the other way when those pickups are parked in front of the school). You know something of rodeo and country dance and country music, and feel somehow connected to it even if it isn't really your thing. You know that you feel a certain comfort by escaping out into the local countryside or sitting next to the county lake (although you can't pinpoint why), and that it seems like most of your peers experience the same feeling.

It is kind of neat to be part of a small town, with shared values and experiences. You don't have to worry as much about what your kids are exposed to, because you know everyone. If someone doesn't share your values, you and everyone in the town knows it. However, a problem arises when you are the one to depart from the majority values. In my particular community, it seems like children are nurtured and protected by the whole community until the teenage years. Then, everyone looks the other way while the teenagers throw parties and drink and smoke and sleep around. I realize now that it was highly improbable that our town police and county sheriffs did not realize that drinking parties were going on, or that certain kids were out "parking." Not only that, but surely the ministers of the various churches knew that certain teens were going wild. But nonetheless there was no accountablity - few tickets issued for underage drinking, no cases of statuatory rape or unlawful sexual relations prosecuted, no teenagers or families taken aside by their ministers and held accountable for what was going on (at least not in my church). So, if you object to allowing the town's teenagers a rumschpringe, if you depart from the town's values on this point, it can become a lonely place for your teenager. When I compare Heath's growing up experience in a larger town/small city to mine, I think living in a small town was better from birth to around age 11, but that after that living in a bigger town was much better. When I tried to find a place to belong and a way to survive emotionally in my junior high and high school, I didn't have very many options. It was roughly divided into a group of popular people and a group of outcast people. In Heath's schools, there were so many people that there were many groups to be a part of without choosing to be an outcast.

Maybe there are other small towns that have all the benefits of knowing each other closely and walking through decades of life together, without subjecting their children to the hazard of surviving their teenage years with little adult intervention. I hope so. Because the small town dynamic reminds me of the body of Christ a little bit. It is pretty irritating at times to know each other's business, but it can be good for us when we allow God's grace to infuse our lives. Instead of gossiping about each other's sins and failures, we are confessing our sins to each other and sharing one another's burdens. We triumph together in the blessings and spiritual victories that God gives us, instead of merely the temporal wins on a football field or basketball court. We share values, but we base those around God's Word and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, rather than merely on tradition that was originally based on someone's personal faith but has become diluted by those who don't know that faith firsthand.

Sorry it was a depressing blog yesterday. Thank you for your encouraging comments; I really appreciated them.

It seems like whenever I have a really hard, discouraging day, then the next day is really idyllic to make up for it. This morning, we started out by Jacob writing half the alphabet in his writing tablet, then we all put on hats (two firefighter helmets and one bike helmet) and Jacob and Ethan saved me from the fire and bad guys upstairs. After that we played with blocks and trains, and then I let them use my new dry erase markers on their dry erase boards. Here are some pictures to illustrate. Please excuse the desk mess - everything I don't want them to play with gets thrown up there.

I had a horrible time at Superior School Supply today. I had been wanting an alphabet line and a number line or chart, as well as a phonics chart and/or flashcards. I knew that it is always more challenging to take the kids with me somewhere. I have had enough difficult experiences to make me want to never take them in a store with me again, but there is still a part of me that says I am a major wimp for feeling that way, and that I have to just be matter-of-fact about it and do it. So, I thought, I'll just go in, get what I need, and we'll go.

However, it wasn't that simple. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. I kept finding things that did look helpful in locations I didn't expect them to be - so that prompted my continued search for exactly what I wanted (thinking it was probably just hidden away somewhere). The kids meanwhile were roaming the store a bit. The stayed on the east half of the store with me, but I couldn't keep them in sight for more than a few seconds. I would go to where they were, or bring them to me, but the minute I started to look at the racks to try to find what I wanted, they were off exploring again. I mean, come on - they are little boys, and this was a store filled with things designed to be engaging and interesting to them. On the other hand, haven't I been training them to obey for these last 4 and 2.5 years? Why were they so thoroughly disregarding my directions?

I was trying to just get out of there without making a scene. But alas, it was not to be.

It was taking me forever to find anything, because whenever I started looking through the racks, I had to stop and rescue the merchandise from my children's hands again. So, finally, the lady at the counter tells me that the display shelves are not very sturdy, and I need to make sure the boys don't touch them because they could fall on them. Okay, I get her point, keep the kids away from the stuff. I've been trying, but it is very hard. I have two of them to watch, after all, and I'm trying to use my eyes to decide what to buy, too. (Ugg, I hate how whiny I sound here already!) So, I grab Jacob's hand and go searching for Ethan who has wandered off again while I am speaking to her. She finds him first, unfortunately, and brings him to me. She is holding some small object, and she says, "See this is what I'm talking about. He was trying to eat this. You really need to keep them with you...." And I don't remember the rest, something about how it wasn't the type of store where kids can just explore etc. etc. Now, what she said about him eating it is very unlikely, he never puts anything in his mouth. We could barely feed him when he was little because he didn't even want a nipple in his mouth. But nonetheless, I'm sure he was messing with it, and it was not a good thing. I don't blame her for not wanting my kids to wreck havoc in her store.

So, I put away all the stuff in the cart, because I am not capable of deciding that quickly what I want to get for sure. The whole time I am doing this I am holding Ethan, originally on my hip but then under my arm like a football because he twisted around trying to escape. And he is shouting, "No! No! I wan down! I wan down!" And I am trying to get Jacob to stay right next to me and touch nothing, but he's not really obeying (but at least not throwing a fit like Ethan), and he's starting to pout as my voice gets more strict.

After putting every item back where it belonged, I put away the cart, and I usher the kids out the door. Jacob says, "Are we going to McDonald's now?" Of course the answer is no, I can't reward them with McDonald's playground after this incident! So Jacob starts to wail in the parking lot while I'm buckling in Ethan. I remembered then that I needed to see about the item Ethan had supposedly tried to eat - if it was damaged I wanted to pay for it. I leave the kids in the running car, which is right in front of the glass-front store (but I'm still thinking the store lady will probably say in horror, "Did you just leave your kids in the car?!?"), and run back inside to ask about the item. She says "don't worry about it." So I head off to the McDonald's drive-through, because it would be punishing myself more than them to not at least get food (it was the playground that would have been a reward).

Jacob stopped crying on the way home before I did. Shortly after I handed him his hamburger, he seemed to forget anything had happened. Meanwhile I was quietly sobbing ("Mommy, are you laughing?") all the way home. I mean, what does this incident say about me? Why wouldn't the kids obey me? Do I just ignore too much at home because I don't want to deal with it? I know we are relaxed parents; we don't have a lot of rules or worry about a lot of issues that others might consider a big deal. Our boys run and wrestle and throw balls in the house. They pretend to duel with sticks as swords outside, and we let them climb high things and jump off of things. We want to let them be boys and conquer their world. But I'd like to think that we do have boundaries that we enforce. But maybe not, if they can't obey when it matters. I was just so saddened by the incident. I feel like I have a lot to think about this afternoon, but I feel like it is all a muddled mess in my mind.

Here is Heath's newest album, pictures from our beautiful day yesterday. :-)
http://picasaweb.google.com/nattyman512/ItSABeautifulDay

I have been thinking lately how working moms really get a rough deal. I used to think it would be easier in a lot of ways to be a working mom. I had a tough transition from being a wage earner with tasks, responsibilities, and social status similar to my husband's, to being an unpaid member of society, with tasks and responsibilities divided along gender/role lines, losing social status and the surety of knowing I was doing a good job through annual reviews and pay raises. I thought it was rough to suddenly be stuck with all the housework, instead of splitting it 50/50, and to deal with the intensity of caring for children all day with no back up and little adult interaction. I knew that I didn't want to work, that I desperately wanted to be with my babies all day, but I thought that if I could have dealt with the emotional and psychological element of them spending more than half of their waking hours with someone else, then working would have been easier than staying home.

However, now I know I was wrong.

I recently saw some data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics about people's use of time (http://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.toc.htm). They surveyed 13,000 people about how they used their time in a day. Then they made tables of all of it, divided by households with children under 6, with children over 6, or with no children; and further divided by sex of the surveyed person and by employed/unemployed. According to the data, unemployed women with children under age 6 average 7.53 hours of housework and child care each day (only counting child care when it is the primary task, not concurrent with another task). Employed women with children under age 6 average 5.34 hours of housework and child care per day and 4.41 hours of paid labor each day. Employed men with children under age 6 average 3.24 hours of housework and child care each day (this includes outside upkeep and repairs) and 6.12 hours per day of paid labor.

Now, I know it is hard to interpret this data, because it is averaged out over the entire group surveyed - it doesn't represent what each individual did in a certain day, but more what the group of people with children under age 6 accomplished as a whole. (For instance, since some people had their day off work on the survey day, it lowered everyone's daily average for hours worked.) I like to think that the employed men's average hours of childcare and housework is thrown off by the fact that some employed men have stay-at-home wives. So, maybe those men with stay-at-home wives (40%) do just 2 hours of housework and childcare per day and are able to do 6.73 hours of paid work, while those with employed wives (60%) do 4 hours per day of housework and 5.71 hours of paid work. That would even up the distribution of labor between the sexes in two-income families - about 68 hours for each parent. That's how it would play out in a fair world, anyway.

But I know for most employed women, the husbands do not cut work hours to do more housework, and they don't share in the housework as much as they could. So the conclusion is still the same - for the group of people with children under age 6, employed women as a whole have the heaviest workload, equalled only by their husbands if those husbands decide to share in the housework. Unemployed women, and probably their husbands as well, have less work overall. Sigh. I feel very blessed to be home, and I hope I bless my husband through it, too, by taking care of most of the indoor housework and leaving just the outdoor and handyman work - which he mostly enjoys - to him. I still contend that my hours of work are especially intense because the children are always here, always needing me, even when I am doing other tasks, and I have no one to take over while I take a bathroom or coffee break. But I realize now that me working would not have made our lives less stressful, because while the hours may have been less intense, they would have been longer.

Ethan went with me to buy paint Sunday night. He thought it was fun to use the paint can as a drum - but then again, he uses anything he can as a drum. The last picture is the wall after I painted - I did 3 walls in the entryway where we had ripped off wall paper. Sorry, I know the pictures are grainy; I didn't have much light and couldn't get Ethan to hold still for the flash.

I recently lost two checks worth almost $800 together. I had received the checks as we were frantically packing up to leave GC last weekend, and my brain just lost the memory of where I had put them. I had a vague memory of putting them somewhere I thought was safe, and I had checked all the safe places I could think of. So, I emailed my mother-in-law and my aunt-in-law to see if I had left the checks there, and my mother-in-law emailed me back and said, "Pray, God knows where it is. Ask him to reveal it to you or us."

So, that night as I lie in bed, I prayed and asked God to help us to find the checks, to bring to mind where they might be. An image flashed in my mind of a white folded paper that I had seen in my wallet earlier, when I had pulled out the insurance cards to pick up Jacob's prescription. At the time, I had thought how it didn't look like a receipt (because I couldn't see the type on the other side), which is the only thing I usually put in that compartment, and I wondered absentmindedly what it might be, but then I was immediately distracted by talking to the pharmacy tech. So after seeing this image in my mind, I immediately called to Heath, who was still up, and asked him to please bring me my wallet. Of course, that white paper inside was the envelope containing the checks.

I was just so amazed. And I shouldn't be, because I know the power of God (as much as my limited mind can at this point), and I know He can do far more than show me a picture to jog my memory of where a check is. But it was just such a great reminder of how if God can handle the little things, then He can certainly handle the big things. If he can show me where my checks are - checks, which could have been replaced, not even cash which would have caused a considerable loss - then surely he can take the extra weight off my body or preserve my health or smooth over a relationship or grant Heath favor at work.

It reminds me of something that happened while I was fasting, and only drinking hot tea with sweetener and a little milk. We were going out of town, so I had grabbed a handful or two of Equal packets to put in my box of tea bags. I finished the box while I was out of town, and as I got down to the last tea packet, there were exactly the right number of Equal packets to go with it. "How strange!" I thought. But as I was standing there at the counter with them in my hand, God spoke to me and said, "If I can arrange such a small thing as this, don't you think I can arrange to give you this house?" It was an amazing reassuring moment. We had a contract on the house that we are now living in, but our financing was far from secure. We both felt like God had told us we were going to get this house, so we felt that it was surely going to work out somehow, but it was hard to see how that was going to happen. It was a very stressful time. At any rate, we were sure that whatever happened, it (we) would be fine, even if we had heard God wrong. (Like the Hebrews in the fiery furnace, "We are sure our God will save us, but even if he doesn't, we will still praise him!") Getting this reassurance was balm to our souls and strength to keep our faith and comfort in Him.

blog trails

Sorry I haven't blogged much of real substance lately. Since I started blogging again, I have started reading all of my friends blogs again, too... and following the blogging friends trail is amazing. I started out at the site of a close friend, clicked on one of his friends' names to see who it was, recognized an acquaintance, clicked on two of her friends' names and found another acquaintance and an old friend, whose site lead me to another old friend. So I get a peek in on the lives of these acquaintances and friends that I haven't seen in years. The internet is a crazy and amazing thing, how it lets us be involved in the lives of so many people that we otherwise would never connect with on such a level.

Anyway, I think I have been too caught up digesting what I had soaked up of their lives from their blogs, so I couldn't post to my own blog. I remember these friends in a certain way, as I knew them 8 or 10 years ago, and their voices sound the same even now. But all of our lives have moved forward so much. I wonder if we all hung out in person, would they think that I was the same? Because I feel like an entirely different personality than I was 10 years ago. The only thing that is unchanged is the very core of me - I guess the spirit part of me. And some of these friends were close enough to connect with that part of me, so I guess in that way, maybe I would seem the same. And maybe that is why they seem the same to me.

Okay, this is getting too sappy even for me, so I'm going to stop. My next decision is whether to post comments on any of these blogs and let them know I am listening in.

RIP

Apparently we killed the most industrious mother mouse in the world. Look at this house she built in our storage closet! It even has a doorway (see the piece of paper folded at an angle). We felt sick when we found this last night.
 

For some reason, I think if I had two daughters instead of two sons, I wouldn't have been hearing this morning, "Can I see the mouse Daddy? Please can we go out and see the mouse now?" This, referring to the dead mouse with his head still squished in the trap, which Heath had temporarily disposed of on the porch. "Wow... cool! Now I've seen a real mouse!"

So, how did the mouse get into my basement? And does he have 10 or 20 friends down here, too? ((Shudder))

My two boys love each other so much. :-) I was cleaning the bathroom, and I thought, "Wow, this is amazing - they haven't come to bother me, and I can hear them playing in the bedroom so nicely together...." I was already thanking God for giving me a chance to clean in peace, but when I saw that this is what they were doing, then my heart was really full with the blessing of my children. 

Well, I haven't done so well at posting every day, but I'm back now. I do have a sort-of excuse... we were gone to GC for 5 days, which was a lovely, busy time.

As often happens with our vacations, we brought back a cold. I hate colds. I understand why we haven't been able to cure the common cold, seeing as it is actually 200+ different viruses, but I still feel put out whenever my family is knocked down by one. I still find myself thinking, "All these technological advances and inventions to make our lives easier and virtually pain-free, and really? We can't cure the common cold?"

On a lighter note....

Ethan's speech development has been a source of constant amusement for Heath and I. He has a pretty sizeable vocabulary of words he seems to have just made up. "Dute-doo" was popular for a while - it seemed to be a generic term for any human being. As in "Dorry, dute-doo" in apology, or "Hi, dute-doo!" to family, friends, and strangers in the parking lot. Then there is dee-one. Which at first observation would seem to mean "this one," except it doesn't always fit. Again, it seems to be a generic term for any sort of object or person that he wants to "name" or draw attention to. So, the obvious use is "Dee-one! Dee-one!" meaning he wants us to get him the object he is pointing at, or wants us to notice that object. The less obvious use is, "Ethan, what kind of animal is that?" "Dee-one."

The crowning achievement of his language creation is a certain sentence he repeats over and over, exactly the same each time, and we have no idea what it means. When we couldn't understand most of what he said, we would just nod and say "Un-huh, yeah," like we did to everything else. But now that we understand most of the rest of what he says, this sentence stands out. He seems to be asking something about Daddy, because that is the last word, but the first 3-4 words I don't know. I'll try to listen closely today so I can post the phoenetics of the sentence on here, and maybe we can analyze it. I suggested to Heath that we record it and slow it down or speed it up or break apart the syllables to see if we could figure it out.

Here's a crazy story I heard at cell group last night.

One of the men who just joined our cell with his wife had a weird experience when he was 12 or 13 years old. His family had left for the weekend, but he stayed at home for some reason - football camp or something of that sort. God woke him up at midnight, and he felt the strongest urge to say out loud "I love you, Lord." So, feeling a little crazy, he whispered it. He again felt this compulsion that he needed to say it, only louder. This happened again about a dozen times, each time him feeling that he needed to say it again because he hadn't said it loud enough. He always remembered that night, still feeling like he had never shouted loud enough, "I love you, Lord!" He didn't know why God had woken him up in that way, but it was a memorable experience.

Years later, this man was in an AA meeting, and one of the older men was giving a testimony. The older man described how he had been so down and out that he was homeless and starving. He was wandering around a neighborhood looking for a house to break into to get food. He approached a certain house where he had seen the family leave and felt certain it was empty. But as he approached the house to break in, he thought he heard someone say something. He thought, "If there does happen to be someone home, I will just have to kill them, because I have to get something to eat." But as he proceeded, he heard someone speak again: "I love you, Lord!" After this, he was scared off and decided not to target that house. And thankfully, he saved this boy's life and saved himself from becoming a murderer.

After letting my blog hibernate for many months, I have decided to revive it. My plan is to post every day, even if it is just a few little stories about our day.

Here is my post from yesterday, that I didn't get around to posting until this morning:

I noticed today that Ethan has changed his method of counting to "Nine, two... go!" (The counting is usually to start a pretend car race.) Last week it was "Whan, ooo, five...go!" On the positive side, he has learned to respond to the question "How old are you?" with the correct answer, "Two," instead of, enthusiastically, "Five!"

Earlier today, the boys were playing "tackle" with a football. The crazy thing is, when they first started the game, they lined up across from each other and crouched down just like linebackers! We have never shown them this posture or suggested that they to pretend that way. Ah, the things they pick up.