Part one of Christmas is over. Heath's family left today after spending four days with us. We had a very nice time together. I am always so sad when my company leaves, but this time I have something to look forward to and distract me from my sadness. My mom will be here tomorrow afternoon for Christmas part two!


Ethan let Jacob help him unwrap his bike.

Samuel was very excited about all the wrapping paper.

we need Him

We watched The Nativity a couple of days ago. Jacob watched most of it with me, but Ethan only watched a little bit since it was pretty intense in parts (and pretty slow and dull for a 3 year old the rest of the time).

The first scene is particularly intense, as it shows the Romans going into Bethlehem to kill the boy babies under 2 years of age. It doesn't show much, but enough that Ethan knew they were killing the babies. He said, "They killed baby Jesus? Oh no! But we need Him!"

Such a sweet, sincere statement, such a precious understanding. Out of the mouths of babes...

public service announcement

(I should probably warn you before you read this post that I'm kind of a nerd about this sort of thing...)

We just moved Ethan to a booster seat. He is turning four in February and had reached the top of his harness straps in his harnessed seat. We moved Jacob to a booster when he was three and a half and reached the top of the harness straps, so I figured we were doing well to make it almost to age four with Ethan.

However, someone mentioned to me that the car seat laws had changed, and that I should look into it. Lo and behold, the law now says children must remain in a harnessed child seat until they are four years old! Not only that, but children age four through seven must be in a booster seat (unless they are 4'9" or 80 lbs), and all children under 14 must wear a seatbelt. I think the old law was that children under age four were to be restrained in a child seat or booster, depending on their size, and then children between four and a certain age had to at least wear safety belts. But maybe I never understood the law correctly... Although I thought we were following what was required at the time for Jacob.

If you don't have kids in this age range, I know this is probably irrelevant to you, but maybe it will be helpful for someone. :-)

Here's a link to the car seat law: http://www.kansasboosterseat.org/download/Booster_Bill_Major_Dailies.pdf

I guess another lesson from this is if you are purchasing a forward facing seat for your child, get one with high harness slots so it will last until they are 4! I inadvertently purchased one that did not have high harness slots compared to some of the others out there - some have harness slots a couple of inches higher, which would have worked for either Jacob (tall for his age) or Ethan (short for his age) until their fourth birthdays.

We went to Samuel's 6 month appointment today (a little late, I know). He is 16 lb. 4 oz. (20%) and 27" tall (63%). His head circumference was in the 45%, but I don't remember what it was exactly. In honor of over 6 months of life, I compiled an album of pictures to show how he's grown and changed so far.

Feeding Samuel

Samuel is 6 months old now, so we have started solid foods. He loves the rice cereal with formula. You might be able to tell in the pictures that he is lunging forward for more bites, and pulling my arm with the spoon toward himself.

The green beans provoked some funny faces, but he kept taking more bites anyway.

3 hours of preparation, 10 minutes of snapping, one picture worth sending :-)

(and still Samuel wouldn't look at the camera!)

p.s. the one you get with your Christmas letters should be better quality than this - I just did quick fixes to color and light and lower resolution for the web before posting this one.

I am thankful for...

my sweet, smiley baby
my loving, energetic preschooler
my bright, eager-to-learn kindergartener
my faithful husband who is my favorite person in the world
amazing friends and church family
the opportunity to be part of the body of Christ, together one with Him forever

my...
dishwasher
washing machine and dryer
comfortable bed and recliner
computer with internet access
cell phone
van and automatic doors
medicines and access to the best health care in the world
my own and my family's good health
a comfortable, spacious place to make our home
husband's job, even on 50+ hour weeks


chocolate
coffee with cream
sunshine
snow
books of all kinds and the opportunity to learn
indoor toilets and showers
technological advances
supermarkets and preserved foods
electricity and trash service


I got tagged to do this post a long time ago and just got around to it this morning, after feeling so grateful to see my sweet baby's huge smile upon awakening, and to feel his soft skin and pleasingly plump little body.

Here are some other posts recently made by thankful friends:
Chill
Jill
Matches
Karmen

Learning

It is so encouraging to see Jacob's enthusiasm for learning right now. Two of his current favorite activities are math problems and spelling (those are his names for the activities). What this involves is Heath or I writing out some sums for him to solve (like 3 + 4 = __), or him challenging himself to spell words of his choosing. Some of today's words were lump, robot, and school. He used play-doh to make the letters. He does leave out letters sometimes and we have to help him hear each individual sound, and he sometimes asks questions like "what letter makes the "uh" sound?" But he is getting it! It is so exciting to watch his brain soak up information, connect it all, and grow strong through practicing it. (Maybe that seems like a strange way to describe it, but that's how I envision it.)

Part of my excitement is that I feel like I did so little to facilitate this! I would read books to him and answer his questions about letter sounds and number values whether or not I was homeschooling. I think what we are doing that qualifies as "school" we would be doing with him whether or not he was at a school building all day or here at home. And that's why the question of Jacob going to school is not so much a question of what educational option is best, as it is whether or not it's good for him to be at home or out of the home for a significant portion of the day. But that is another discussion...

(For those of you who have been a part of that discussion with me, who have helped me process the pros and cons and options, I can gratefully say that things have been going much more smoothly at home during the day over these last few weeks, so we haven't had to change anything. I'm keeping the other options in my back pocket for now!)

Samuel sat up by himself for the first time Saturday. Here he is demonstrating his new skill in the bathtub and discovering bubbles for the first time.

I went to the eye doctor this month, and discovered that each of my eyes had improved by .75. So, this means I no longer need a contact in my right eye, and I only need 1.00 power in my left eye. So now, at night I get to say, "I have to go take out my contact." Heath keeps laughing at me and saying that I sound obnoxious, like someone with a new, nice car, who instead of saying, "I have to go start the car," says, "I have to go start the Lexus."

The other night when Heath told Jacob to go potty before bed, he noticed the back of Jacob's underwear was sagging as he was walking down the hall, and he heard a "clank, clank" sound as he walked. It turns out he had stashed a couple of hot wheels cars in his underwear to take to bed with him.

I had another conversation with Ethan the other day about why he can only be a daddy when he grows up, not a mommy. (I think in his mind, Mommy is the one who gets to take care of the baby more, and he really likes our baby. So I try to point out all the great things about being in Heath's position, and the unique way he gets to relate to them.) Related to this conversation was a discussion of why certain body parts only belong to boys, and girls don't have them. "Some girls do!" he kept insisting. He uses this assertion often to try to win an argument, i.e. "some people/kids do," and it's almost always ridiculous, but it was particularly funny in this context.

Ethan likes to look in our mouths with flashlights to play dentist or doctor. The other night he was looking in Heath's mouth, and we weren't really paying attention, continuing our adult conversation. Then we heard Ethan say, "Oh, that's bad," as he peered at Heath's teeth. We burst out laughing, which surprised Ethan because he didn't think we were listening - he was just continuing his pretend play.

Last night at house church we discussed Men and Women in the Church by Sarah Sumner a little bit. I think we are all trying to find common ground, which is a good thing. Because ultimately it's not an issue that any of us would want to affect our fellowship. But along with that, maybe some of us have been a little reticent to really state where we're coming from...

For the last 10 years or so, I have taken the Biblical passages regarding women fairly conservatively. I have believed (and taught other women) that we are to be submissive to our husbands and not to be leaders in the Church.

There, I said it. I outed myself.

To be fair, I am reconsidering these issues, and it is shaking up my understanding quite a bit. Like I shared with those of you at house church last night, my understanding of husband-wife roles (which has blossomed over the last 5 years or so especially) seems to have really enriched our marriage. So I feel like I have a lot at stake.

An interesting thing about Sumner's view of the texts is that she actually does not set aside the unique roles in the marriage relationship. She does a beautiful job of laying out the analogy in Ephesians 5 that describes how the husband is the head of the wife, who is the body. I love how she describes the submissive "posture" of the wife as the body and the loving sacrifice of the man as the head, and the interaction between the two. After reading that chapter, I was relieved to see that perhaps my understanding of husband-wife roles would be compatible with a new understanding of women's roles in the Church.

However, the point when our consensus fell apart is when Sumner says that the fact that the husband is the head doesn't make him the leader. Somehow that doesn't compute for me. I understand that headship means more than that, and I appreciate her expansion of the head-body analogy. But it seems to me that leadership is implicit in the husband being the head. If the husband and wife disagree, then someone has to submit and someone has to lead. Right? If the husband is described as the head in the Biblical analogy of the marriage relationship, then it would seem to follow that he is the leader in these situations. To be fair to Sumner, I think she would say that this analogy is not even addressing these situations, perhaps?

This may seem like a minor point of contention between her and I, that wouldn't really affect the practice of the concept. But ultimately it affects whether or not a woman can be a church leader. Because if a wife is to be led by her husband, then I don't see how she can lead the church of which he is a part. There is a conflict of interest. What if he disagrees with the direction she is leading in the church? Wouldn't she have to yield to his opinion since he is her leader?

I guess some of this goes back to our definition of what a church leader is and what a church leader really does, i.e what level of authority they have. Many of us have been part of churches where the leadership position was used in an abusive way, in one way or another. Some of our church leaders have thought their position entitled them to micromanage our lives, to demand a certain level of commitment which translated into certain actions or activities that were expected in order to be in good fellowship with the church. (For those of you who haven't experienced this and don't know what I'm talking about, this can play out as a legalistic list of obligations and behaviors, such as: attend church Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, plus serve in at least one ministry; abstain from drinking alcohol or using tobacco or cussing; vote Republican; observe the Sabbath and give a tithe on all your earnings; and the list can go on and on.) We may also have been taught that their leadership provided some sort of umbrella of protection as long as we went along with it, that they were responsible for us and would be answerable for us somehow. Most of us that are part of Wheatland are moving away from this type of leadership.

Sumner makes a good point that no person is the head of the Church. Christ is the head of the Church. But yet, aren't there decisions that have to be made, and people who have to interpret what Christ's desires are for those decisions? And when people don't agree on which direction Christ is leading, someone has to decide, and that person is the leader. Right? Actually (and I am just thinking this through as I type), maybe not. Maybe the church, inhabited by Christ's Spirit, can reach a consensus on what Christ desires for its direction and even for decisions on specific issues as a whole. There may be a few who disagree with a certain decision, but if most feel that this is the way the Spirit is leading or speaking to them, then that is a way that Christ is leading His Church, isn't it? I guess most of us have been taught that Christ uses certain persons that he raises up to be leaders in order to lead His Church. That the responsibility for making decisions is delegated to trusted, approved decision-makers, who make all of the decisions every time. But it doesn't have to be that way, does it? It could actually be the whole church that has a voice. Or is that just the chaos that is described in 1 Corinthians, which we are to try to avoid?

If I ask my earlier question again ("What if [the husband] disagrees with the direction [his wife] is leading in the church? Wouldn't she have to yield to his opinion since he is her leader?") in light of the church structure which I just described, then I have already answered myself. The answer is, we are relying on the consensus of the church as a whole, inhabited by Christ's Spirit, and what they believe is the direction He is leading them - rather than on an individual leader who is somehow taking responsibility for the entire congregation of interpreting Christ's desires for them. So there would never be an opportunity for this scenario to occur.

Maybe a leader isn't so much a judge and decision-maker as he or she is an example that people are inspired to follow...

I may have just talked myself out of my earlier reservations regarding women in leadership. We'll see. I will be interested to discuss this with some of you later - especially you, husband. :-)

Last week at house church we had a brief discussion on baptism, which I'm sure could have gone much longer if we'd all had the time (and if the kids had had the patience). I was reminded of a blog entry I wrote almost a year ago about my own experience and thoughts on baptism at the time. It is interesting how ideas about baptism have evolved in the Protestant Church at large since the Reformation. If you compare Catholic or Eastern Orthodox concepts to Protestant churches' ideas, sometimes they are drastically different, and other times surprisingly similar (surprising when you consider how different other practices of that particular church might be from Catholicism).

All of this got me to thinking about how much I have reevaluated my own understandings of matters of our faith since my friends started converting to Eastern Orthodoxy one by one. It's really been a shocking occurance, since most of us came from a non-denominational "are Catholics really saved?" sort of background. It is a big leap to go from a movement where many completely disregard Catholic theology and doctrine as corrupted (please don't be offended, my Catholic readers, I am simply representing how some people in Protestant churches feel), to joining a church that shares roots and much doctrine and theology with Catholicism. The Eastern Orthodox paradigm for understanding theology and doctrine is so different from ours. They trace their roots back to the Apostles, so they view their doctrine as being handed down by the Apostles - albeit the understanding of certain doctrinal issues grew and was defined over the first few centuries of the Church's existence. The Protestant paradigm for formulating doctrine, on the other hand, does not place much value on what previous generations of the Church have thought was the correct interpretation of the teachings of the faith. Rather, the Protestant paradigm draws its understanding of doctrine entirely from what is present in the text of scripture. If the doctrine of previous generations does not seem to be supported by scripture, then the assumption is their understanding was corrupted.

I grew up thinking my paradigm for approaching theological and doctrinal issues was best because the Scriptures should obviously be our primary authority, as the Word of God. Only what is contained therein can be relied upon. Traditions of men can be corrupted. We saw in the Reformation a time when the traditions of men certainly did become corrupted, with indulgences and the like. Because of this, it was assumed that any Catholic doctrine that was based primarily on tradition rather than scripture was probably similarly corrupt.

However, as an adult, it occurred to me: The very Scriptures that we hold to be more reliable than tradition were verified to be the true Word of God, the true representation of Gospel teachings, by men who taught other doctrines that I summarily reject. I trusted them to define the canon of scripture, but I do not trust their doctrinal teaching on issues not directly referenced in scripture.

I could go into this a lot more, into why it is or is not a contradiction on my part, and whether or not I am justified to question their extra-Biblical teachings, but let me just say it was enough to make me consider if there were practices or teachings I have dismissed out of hand that might have value. It has also put into perspective the unspoken Protestant (especially Evangelical) assumption that the typical Catholic or Eastern Orthodox way of "getting saved" is not valid (i.e. no altar call decision, no specific moment in time when you pray to acknowledge you are a sinner and to ask Jesus to come into your heart, no adult baptism and specific moment in time when you realize the Holy Spirit's presence).

Do you ever feel like your children are intentionally trying to make you crazy?

I said in my post below that my only hope for salvaging the day was to get a nap this afternoon. I'm not talking about a long nap or a completely undisturbed nap, but something where I can at least sort of slip away from reality and relax for 30 minutes to an hour would have worked.

So, I finally get Samuel down for his afternoon nap about an hour ago. Immediately I turn on a show for the big boys and lay down on the playroom couch. I thought I learned my lesson from this morning - I wasn't even going to try the bed and TV in our room, since it was across the hall from Samuel's room. Too hard to keep the big boys quiet. I told them how important it was that I get a little bit of rest, so to please let me lay there in peace so that I could recover, not be grumpy, and we could have a good evening.

They started climbing all over me almost immediately. I did my best to ignore this and drift off to sleep. Someone dropped butt down onto my head a couple of times. I was determined to pretend I didn't notice. Finally, when Ethan was laying on my back hitting me in the head and screaming "Mommy! Mommy!" in my ear, I gave up on the couch. I paused the show, sat up and explained again how important it was that I get some rest and get it NOW. I told them I was going into the guest room (adjacent to the playroom), that I would leave the door open, but to leave me alone and let me rest. I turned their show back on and went in there. Within minutes Ethan was back in climbing on my bed. I scolded him and he stopped. Then I felt someone else bump my bed. "Stop!" Bump. "Don't bump the bed!" Bump. "I'm trying to rest!" Hop up on the bed. It's Jacob. He's scared because Ethan is telling him there are monsters in the bedroom.

OMG. Seriously. I know people handle stuff like this, and way way worse, but I feel like they are trying to torture me or make me crazy. I know, I know, it's all about how I react to it, blah blah blah. I need a nap!

Samuel's screaming. "Naptime" is over. Gotta go get him. 3.5 more hours to survive.

Friday, I found out that Heath had been given a great opportunity at work. The only catch was that he had to fly to LA for training almost immediately, and would be gone Sunday afternoon through Wednesday night. We both were a little nervous about him being gone, considering how things have been going here at home, but I wanted him to take the opportunity. "I'll just hire day care if I have to!" I said.

Well, the kids have been sick, so my plan of putting them in daycare did not work out. Also, our neighborhood daycare lady that sometimes watches them did not have any open times until today. (In retrospect I wish I had gone ahead and scheduled for today - I am absolutely exhausted.) But surprisingly, Sunday and Monday went really, really well. We went to Target, the playground, and house church on Sunday after dropping Heath off at the airport. Then, we had another pleasant day together on Monday, generally in good moods and enjoying each other's company. We even made it to WalMart in the afternoon, then to Exploration Place and swung by McDonald's drive-through before coming home to watch the prime time premiere of Dora Saves the Mermaids before bed.

Tuesday was a little rockier, because I didn't get as much sleep, forgot to take my meds on time, and basically just didn't get as good of a start to the day. We had to take the dog in to the vet first thing in the morning to get a mass removed, and with the kids having been up in the night with their colds (eventually ending up in bed with me), we had a hard time getting out of the house on time and got scolded by the vet's receptionist. The vet wasn't even there yet, but apparently it was important for me to have the dog there at the crack of dawn. Still, yesterday wasn't a total loss - overall we still had a good day, and I have been very thankful for how smoothly things have gone. We went to McDonald's again for supper, but we went in and played in the playplace this time and the kids loved that. We couldn't go anywhere else yesterday because it was too cold for playgrounds or the zoo, and the kids were too obviously sick during the day (coughs and runny noses) to take them anywhere indoors. I may be a bad Mom for taking them to the playplace in the evening when they were sick that morning, but I'm just trying to survive. At least I didn't invite any of your kids to come, right?

This morning, the cumulative sleep deprivation really hit me. I tried to be proactive about fixing it, and as soon as I got Samuel down for his morning nap I laid down and turned a show on for the big boys. It didn't work - they pretty much tortured me the whole time. So now I'm just trying to pump as much caffeine into my bloodstream as possible and survive until bedtime. Heath will be home tonight, horray! I was hoping to go visit some of you friends this week to make the time pass more enjoyably and quickly, but with the kids sick I didn't want to do that to you (or your kids). They do seem in better health today though (thus me wishing I had scheduled them with the daycare lady). I'll get a break tomorrow morning for Mom's Day Out, if they will take Ethan back after he repeatedly ignored and disobeyed the teacher last week. Is it bad that while the teacher was reporting this to me, I was thinking, "Why are you telling me? I left them with you to get away from it. What do you want me to do?" Instead I said to the MDO teacher, "I'll talk to him about it." Yes, I'll talk to my 3-year-old about it. I'm sure it will have a big impact. What would they do if someone was like, "Oh, I see. I'll have to take him out to the woodshed when we get home." Is that the response they are looking for? (Don't worry, we don't actually have a woodshed, so he's in the clear.)

I'm just praying for a chance for a nap this afternoon, because by the time I finished this post it become clear that I am past the point of caffeine having any affect. Heath just sent me a message that he just has a few more things to take care of before going to check out of his hotel and get to the airport. Horray! Maybe we can still salvage the day, I'll let you know...

almost 5 months old

Samuel loves to practice standing. He rolled from back to tummy for the first time this week, after going from tummy to back since 2 days old. He travels all over his crib by rolling now. On his tummy, he tries to scoot forward - scrunches up his legs and puts his butt in the air and/or wiggles forward with his arms and chest. Watch out world!

His verbal development is much the same as last month - lots of growling, squealing, and vowel sounds. He seems to still be nursing well, and we are working toward a sleep schedule. His smile is huge and almost always easy to get. He has started really manipulating things with his hands, including purposefully spinning the toys on his swing and attempting to put his binky (and everything else) in his mouth. No teeth yet, but lots of drooling and mouthing things.

For the last week and a half, I have tried not to post any entries where I was just reiterating the same complaints about my life again. I haven't been incredibly upbeat or anything, but I have found a few other things to focus on. But I can't get away from it - my life is really hard right now. And somehow I need to make an honest cry out into the openness of the blogosphere every so often and say, yeah, it still sucks over here. I'm trying my best to be positive, and to make things better as much as I can, but I think it's just a difficult phase of life for us right now.

My whole plan for a schedule with Samuel hasn't really been working out. He's not really down with it. He much prefers to be held as many hours in a day as possible and to sleep only when he's really really ready. Which is around 11 pm most nights. Which is not terrible most nights because Heath and I can just stay up talking and watching silly TV shows together. But tonight Heath was gone to his D-group, so it was just Samuel and I sitting here, nursing, talking, enjoying his sweetness, but eventually I was just really wanting to be able to lay him down so I could shower or do the dishes or laundry or any number of other things.

Last night I got him down around 10:30 and savored the next 30 minutes of being physically alone. Right now (11 pm) he is laying in his bed awake - I am trying to remind him of how he knows how to fall asleep by himself. He's not so sure about it. The mobile stopped and he's mad. But you know, despite my weariness at always having my arms full, he's my easiest task right now. Even though my plan for a schedule hasn't worked out for him, I feel like I'm doing okay with mothering him. I'm nursing him, he's gaining weight, I smile and talk to him and keep him safe and do get him to sleep a reasonable number of hours for a baby his age (albeit at times decided by him). What more could I do? But my two older boys... I don't think I want to even delve into how I feel about my parenting of them lately. Woefully inadequate is a good summary phrase.

Anyway. Sorry to be a downer, but desperate to scream out to whoever would listen about how I was feeling.

A first we weren't excited about...

Samuel's first cold!
(you can imagine his upper lip covered with snot if you want - I wiped it away for the picture)

 

In other news, we went to the fire station and had a wonderful tour and educational program today, in honor of Fire Safety Month. Also in honor of Fire Safety Month, Jacob burned the tip of his thumb on our vehicle cigarette lighter, and I filled the house with smoke by accidentally turning on the stove burner that still had a cover on it. The good news is, I already had silver sulfadiazine to put on Jacob's thumb burn (from Ethan's burn two years ago), and the kids demonstrated their retention of the fire safety presentation by "fall and crawl" -ing when they saw the smoke.

PS - I did have the cigarette lighter hidden in the glove compartment. Jacob dug it out and found the outlet for it, figured out how to operate it, and then touched the center of the hot lighter with his thumb. He said since it was gray he didn't think it would be hot. This happened when I let them out of their car seats while I was cleaning out the car.

here are LOTS more pictures from this weekend! :-)

I changed my profile picture to one of my baby pictures. Here are the other ones I considered using.

If you are interested in taking care of the earth, then you need to read this entertaining post:

In Which Lobiwan Gets a New Toy With Which He Plans on Saving the World (With Your Help)

sweet flowergirl, Anna L.

We were privileged to be a part of the festivities surrounding Katrina and Joe's wedding this weekend. What fun! Heath posted one picture on his blog. I tried to get him to post an album, but apparently he wanted to look through the bunch again before he did that. He got some really fantastic pictures. Thank you for inviting us to be a part of your day, Katrina and Joe!

I also wanted to say thank you to Matt and Linda for sharing with me your perspectives on childhood fears. I think it really restored my compassion toward Jacob in that area. You both grew up to be highly functioning adults, so maybe I don't need to worry about whether this behavior is "normal" or not.

I really need a solution for Jacob's problem with fears. I feel like it handicaps our entire family. Imagine if your child wouldn't stay in any room of your house by himself! A big problem is his unwillingness to go to the bathroom by himself, which results in much cajoling of the dog or his brother to go with him. We will not go with him anymore, because we are not going to enable his fears. Even aside from him not being able to go to the bathroom by himself, his inability to stay in a room alone is frustrating and annoying. Just now, I went into the guest room - about 10 feet away from where he was in the playroom - and as soon as he realized he was alone, he raced into the guest room with a frantic look in his eyes. I am not even sympathetic anymore. I told him that if he raced after me like that, I would assume he was being chased by some dangerous wild animal. Most of the time I manage to hold back my sarcasm and annoyance, but after a full day of having a shadow I sometimes say something like that.

Another big rub with him not being willing to be alone is when it comes to dealing with conflict. I needed to have a little talk with Ethan earlier today before putting him in time out, but Jacob raced after us when we tried to leave the room, and wouldn't give us even a few feet of space to talk privately (he wanted to stand right outside the door in the hallway while we were in the bedroom). Furthermore, when I get tense or stress with what is going on between them or with Samuel or whatever it may be, I can often calm down quickly if I can just get a few minutes alone. But if I try to go somewhere alone, he immediately races after me, usually runs into me when I stop walking, and continues to follow wherever I go. If I shut myself in our bedroom or the bathroom, he sits by the door (often talking to me or screaming to be let in). It doesn't have the same calming effect when he's talking through the door to me.

So, anyway, I need solutions! I have thought of putting him in his room alone for a set period of time each day, to just force him to deal with it. Maybe I'd start with 5 minutes and work up to however long. But then I wonder if that is mean or just me being desperate. I think I could tolerate the situation until he outgrew it if I didn't have other things I am working on with the other kids - Ethan's whining and fit-throwing, Samuel's nap schedule (or lack thereof some days).

What do you all think? Any other ideas?

A little while ago, I had to punish the children for a blatant act of disobedience (nothing new there). Afterward, Jacob said, "Mommy, God says to do to others what you want them to do to you, and not to return evil for evil, and to do good to one another. And you are just doing the opposite of that!"

Okay, I have to be impressed with his scripture memory. But how do I argue with that?

I said, "God also says for parents to train their children to do the right things."

He responded, "Okay, so you are doing one thing God says, but you aren't doing all those other things!"

Wow. Hmmm. I gotta think of better answers - my brain was already used up for the day today.

I hate being overweight. Some of you reading are thinking, "Yeah, me too" (whether you are just a few or many pounds over your "ideal"), while others might be thinking, "Well, then just do something about it!" Well... I started trying to count and restrict calories this morning. By midday I was ready to quit, hah. I am really not good at it.

In my defense: I recently read about the Minnesota semi-starvation study. In 1950, 36 healthy men volunteered to undergo semi-starvation so that a scientist could study its effects on the human body and develop the best ways of re-feeding starving people. One interesting thing about this study is that during the re-feeding period, the men would eat almost continuously in order to get back to their normal weight. Their hunger was often insatiable. The men initially gained back about 10 lbs. more than their normal weight, and then gradually lost the extra 10 lbs., eventually returning to their normal weight.

One of the things that they realized from studying the re-feeding was that our bodies have a strong biological drive to maintain a certain weight. When we try to drop below that particular weight, we begin to undergo the symptoms the men in the study experienced - preoccupation with food, emotional distress, listlessness.

Ok, I'm not trying to say I am at my biologically programmed weight. Not even close. But I guess the point is, our bodies can really, really fight against us sometimes when we'd like to lose weight. Right now, nursing makes me feel like I'm starving all the time. Because my level of stress is fairly high right now, I do not function well while trying to tolerate the irritation of hunger. So I just eat. And eat and eat. To complicate things more, I am taking a medicine that causes me to gain weight. I went off the medicine for a year and lost about 3 lbs. a month for a year, without really trying. (I also made some dietary changes, but in retrospect, I think being off the medicine had a greater effect - the dietary changes were easy to make when I wasn't hungry all the time.) After a year, I went back on the medicine and started gaining back about that much per month.

I think fasting is a great way to regain perspective and break our "addiction" to food. But that's not an option while I'm nursing. So here I am trying to count and restrict calories and wondering if it's worth it. Maybe I should wait until I'm not so stressed, and I can better fight against my body? But on the other hand, will I ever not be stressed?

Now that Samuel is 4 months old, I have picked up Dr. Marc Weissbluth's book again. He advocates beginning sleep schedules around four months of age. He emphasizes the child's need to get enough sleep ("sleep begets sleep"), at the right times ("perfect timing produces no crying"), with consolidated sleep as much as possible (one or two night wakings may be unavoidable until 9 months).

An example of our schedule using his method is waking at 8 am, taking a morning nap around 10 am, an afternoon nap around 2 pm, an evening nap around 6 pm (which phases out around 9 months), and bedtime around 9 pm with one or two feedings during the night (which also phase out around 9 months). I think I'd like to push each of those times back an hour so that we end up with an earlier bedtime, but then again it's nice when he doesn't wake up until 8 am. Once he no longer needs the evening nap, bedtime will be earlier.

I have done this for two days now, and so far it is amazing! For instance, I laid Samuel down for his morning nap awake this morning, went in to check on him and give him his binky a few times, and in a short time with a minimal amount of fussing, he was asleep. The key is putting him down for a nap at the ideal time, when he is drowsy but not overtired. When I did this yesterday, he slept for 3 hours, and I had to wake him up for his next feeding. He also took about an hour long afternoon nap. What a difference that made on a Monday! We actually had a good Monday, and I didn't know if that was possible any more. I was able to focus more attention on the big boys and keep them occupied, and I felt more like I knew what was happening in my world and how to plan. I even got some housework done.

I think it's safe to say I thrive on predictability and order, even if I'm not much for schedules with rigid times.

In other news, Jacob is riding his bike without training wheels now! Check out Heath's blog for a video and link to more pictures.

In accordance with my tendency toward a split-personality as a parent (which I mention in my last post), I am now making a post about how lovely and adorable my children are.

Samuel is growing and changing so much! He is very strong - a friend of mine likes to say he has "good posture," and it's true. Just now I went to check on him as he was falling asleep in his crib, and he had almost rolled himself onto his tummy from his back. (He's been rolling onto his back from his tummy since his second day of life.) He has started to really laugh, but not very often, so we really treasure the moments when he does. In fact, right after I wrote my sad post below, I went to change his diaper, and he laughed and laughed about it. It was great. Diaper changes are his favorite part of the day, so neither of us mind doing them.

His favorite vocalization right now is a growl, which sounds like a burp at first but then you realize he's doing it intentionally. A week or two ago, he went through a phase of blowing bubbles - it seemed like there was a continuous fountain of bubbles at his lips and a trail of drool to match. He's moved on from that now, and his new focus is simply getting everything in his mouth, as you can see above. These two pictures represent how I usually see him nowdays - mouth open awaiting object, or object in mouth.

He is a very content, happy, smiley baby. He only cries if he is hungry, usually only if he's quite past due for a feeding (or if I've stopped a feeding before he was ready).

I so enjoyed our house church tonight, as I have each time we've gone. I need those connections with other people so badly. But I left feeling in awe again of the responsibility that is raising a strong-willed child. I am amazed at his ability to push my buttons, to make me feel weak and embarrassed and out of control. It can take a store of peace inside me and turn it into fatigue and tension in seconds.

I swore I would never be a yeller. Beyond that, I swore I would not be a parent who repeated requests, who threatened or counted down or bribed to get compliance. Yes, I know those aren't effective methods. I've read the books with their neat scenarios of how a conflict should be handled between parent and child. I planned to be in control of my children. I still feel that conviction, that strong desire to be "in control" of my children, but I am just stunned by how difficult it has proven to be. It has forced me to loosen my definition a bit of what "control" is.

The Bible says a church leader (and thus I would think the ideal or goal for every Christian?) should be one who "manages his family well" and whose "children obey him with proper respect." What exactly does that mean? What age of children are we talking about here, and what level of control? Are we talking about robot or military style obedience with no discussion or slack allowed, or just an overall pattern of obedience with some mercy and give and take along the way?

I think something I have realized in raising this strong-willed child is that we're not going to "fix" him. People tend to think, well if you just implemented such-and-such method, then he would learn that you really mean business, and from there on out it would be easier. No. It doesn't work that way. It's more like we need to work up to a certain level of control with him, and then we have to maintain it for the next 13 years. Seriously. And if we slack off, oh boy, we will know it.

I'm sorry, I'm just not that strong! I am trying. I feel like my parenting experience has been this cycle of buckling down, going into "training" if you will, conditioning myself to the level of strength I need to keep enforcing while being tested over and over. Then, gradually, being worn down. And finally, collapsing, ready to give up or start over with a new philosophy or method or something. Picking up the pieces, trying to evaluate what went wrong, and initiating the program again. This time it will "work"! I say to myself.

Well, I think I've finally realized that it's not the program that is the problem. It's just me, and it's just him. I heard someone say once, and it still grates on me every time I think of it, "There aren't any strong-willed children; there are just weak-willed mothers." Maybe that is true. I am trying to change that so that I can calmly, effectively and efficiently manage my children. But I am horrified by the magnitude of the task before me at times, when I think of maintaining this level of emotional and psychological effort for who knows how long - maybe 13 more years. That's why each day I just try to do my best and keep hoping that this will get easier in time, as we all grow; and I try not to think about how unfair it is to my children that I'm not there yet, that I'm so much less than what I wanted to be as a parent.

I am such a whiner in my blog lately, that I wonder if I should start a separate whiny blog and leave this one for pictures and cute stories. It could enable me to have this split-personality about my children, where I admire and savor their cuteness,while still bemoaning my exhaustion and frustration at parenting them. That dichotomy sums up my emotions lately pretty well.

"Dodging the Homeschool Stereotype"

by Susan Wise Bauer

I suffer from a social double whammy. My husband is a minister, an announcement that generally creates a sudden clearing of space around us at parties. (I can usually see the alarmed thought passing over the face of a new acquaintance: "What offensive things have I already said?") And we homeschool our children, another conversation-stopper.

Religious homeschoolers are, as everyone knows, tax-dodging, militia-supporting separatists who spend four hours per day on Bible study, only allow their children to read books published before 1900, and think immunization is the tool of the coming one-world government.

Because of these stereotypes, I've developed my own knee-jerk reaction: "But of course, I homeschool for academic reasons," I assure my listeners. ... (continued)

I have been reading The Well-Trained Mind by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer (great homeschooling guide/resource!), and I found this article on their website. She expresses several of my thoughts/feelings. She also has three sons, so I already feel like we're on the same page!

I was surprised, Heath's cheeks didn't get as "chubby" as I expected. We put ice on his cheeks frequently Friday and Saturday, so I think that helped. Here are a couple of pictures of him bef0re he went to work this morning. As a bonus, you get to see Samuel. :-)

His recovery seems to be going well. The pain medicine seems to be controlling the pain adequately. Thanks to all of you for praying!

Heath is having his wisdom teeth removed this morning by an oral surgeon. Please pray for him to have peace about the surgery (always a little creepy to be put under with anesthesia), and for the procedure itself and recovery to go smoothly. Thank you! (If he lets me, maybe I can post some "chipmunk cheeks" pictures of him afterwards. :-)

why is it so hard to admit when we're hurting?

This last week to week and a half has been really, really hard. My spirit is tired.

Now I want to say something positive, so you won't all think.... whatever you might think. But I think I will resist the impulse because it wouldn't be real.

Living in this world is hard sometimes. Gotta go get the baby now... praying to not hear screaming again from the big boys for a few more minutes. My ears are tired, too.

Ethan just told me, delightedly, that he had found "two hookers."

That would be, toy trucks with winches. He loves any of the trucks with hooks. Or hookers, if you will.

comparisons

Here are pictures of each of my boys at 3 months so we can compare how they look. First is Jacob, then Ethan, then two of Samuel.

Ethan started saying something disturbing a couple of weeks ago, usually directed at Jacob: "If you don't (fill in whatever he wants you to do at that moment), it make me so mad, and I bite you!" Of course, every time he said it we would tell him not to say that. But the worst came when he said to me, "If you don't do (such and such), it make me so mad, and I bite you and bite you all over until you dead!" Remember, he doesn't understand what "dead" is really, yet. He thinks things "get dead" and are alive again many times. Nonetheless, it was shocking when he said this, and we made sure he knew he absolutely was not to say any version of this again.

So, later that day and the next day, several times he said to Jacob, "If you don't (whatever), it make me so mad, and I NOT bite you." I'd say, "Not bite?" And he'd smile and nod. After saying that a few times, he cut it down to, "If you don't, it make me so mad." Now, I haven't even heard him say that for a few days.

I honestly don't know where they get some of the things they say. It's not like we let them watch TV that has interactions like that, or read them stories with dialogue like that. But at least the "NOT bite you" version was amusing.

As we have begun home schooling, it brings up several philosophical questions for me to ponder. One question I have asked myself is, "If I know he has already mastered a concept, do I bother offering him the worksheets and/or readings on it that are scheduled in the curriculum?" On one hand, it is a confidence booster for him and gives him a sense of accomplishment to whip through a math worksheet on a concept he mastered two years ago. It makes him feel pretty smart, I think, because I remember feeling that way in school. I would whip through the worksheets as quickly as I could so I could read my library book.

Then, on the other hand, what's the point? Isn't part of the reason I'm home schooling to avoid the wasted time in classroom schooling? So that our children won't be simply "taught to the test," so that school won't be something dull for them to wait through to get to the more interesting parts of life? After all, the goal of education shouldn't be merely to transfer a certain set of information and skills to a degree that a certain test can be passed. The goal is to prepare the child to be able to actually use the information and skills in real life. So, yes, there is a certain set of skills and knowledge that need to be taught, but I shouldn't feel that it is any less valid for these skills and knowledge to be mastered through real-life experiences rather than formal instruction. If the goal is for the child to be better prepared for life, then the ultimate test is real life, right? I think we who have been through classroom education just have a tendency to think that each topic must be formally taught, worksheets filled out, and test taken, or else we are neglecting that area of our children's education. The more I learn about home schooling and, now, actually experience the process, the more comfortable I feel just letting learning happen, being primarily a facilitator.

Of course, this concept can apply in the other direction as well - spending more time on a concept that your child hasn't mastered, even though the normal lesson plan only calls for a few days. Or even putting off a lesson or concept until your child is more prepared to learn it, instead of following the benchmarks of your local school district. There is one school of thought that calls for not beginning formal reading or math instruction until a child is 7 or 8 years old - at which point they usually catch on very quickly and catch up to their peers in little time. I can certainly see the benefit of this approach for children who are either not interested or not readily catching on to reading at 5 or 6 years of age. It avoids burn out or feelings of failure or incompetence that could interfere with learning to read later when they are more developmentally ready. Would I be strong enough to endure the criticism of others for not teaching my six year old reading if I felt it wasn't beneficial to him yet? I don't know, but I hope I will have the courage and strength to make the best educational choices for our kids during this adventure of homeschooling.

Today has, so far, been a day when I want to "pull my hair out." I can't help it, I always think of my Mom's expression for it when I feel this way. I try saying it in a way that doesn't convey that I'm angry or that I want to give up - because I'm not. But it is just a state of tension brought on by trying to maintain normalcy and calm amidst an unusual level of demands.

I know they are just 3 years old and just 5 years old; I have to remember what is normal for their ages. Heath and I were talking this weekend about how we should just "embrace the chaos." We wanted a big family, and this is what it sounds and looks like. And I don't think we even qualify as "big" yet! If we do have more children eventually (according to our desire to have a big family), then it will just get noisier and busier. We need to focus on all the lovely parts, all the things that made us want to do this, and not the things that sometimes drive us crazy - like not being able to have an adult conversation whenever we want. I really have had such a sense of peace and joy over the last week or so. It has been a blessing, because I know there are weeks when I don't feel that. That is not to say that I haven't gotten frustrated and felt overwhelmed often over the last week. It's just that I have been able to periodically return to this place of comfort, peace and joy.

As the kids have gotten older and I have begun to expect more of them, I have to continually remind myself not to relate to them with a constant tone of frustration or irritation. I don't want to convey to them that they are just nuisances that we tolerate; that we don't really like them. It is hard not to do this when they act in totally illogical, exasperating ways. It is hard to administer discipline when it's needed without letting it change our emotional posture toward our children. But it is important, because I want them to know that we think they are great and that we love spending time with them. We tell them that, but I think more is conveyed in our overall tone with them than the words we may say once or twice a day.

Furthermore, I hate hearing myself using that tone and having that attitude, because it's not who I want to be. I want our children to see in our lives character that has been transformed by God's Spirit into something beautiful - more beautiful than the character they will see in non-Christians they have relationships with later on. I don't want them to end up thinking that their non-Christian friends have more peace, patience, understanding, gentleness, kindness, loyalty, self-control or joy than their parents did. Hopefully they will realize eventually that relationships within the family possess an intensity that their friendships rarely will, and therefore bring out weaknesses in the members that may never be brought out in the context of a friendship. Nevertheless, I want them to see that it is "good and pleasant for brothers and sisters to dwell together in unity" - For them to continue to want to be a part of a Christian community even when they have left our household, because they saw in our family as well as in the church family the kind of living and relationships Christ wanted in His followers.

Eowyn Agape

Destine sent me some pictures today of their new baby, Eowyn. I thought some of you who read my blog and know Destine would enjoy seeing the pictures. Destine recently became an R.N., and is working at a nursing home in Pueblo. They will be moving to Denver soon. We were lucky enough to see them for a bit on our way home from Colorado Springs at the beginning of August, the day before her due date.

Yesterday I went to Manhattan for the first time in 7 years. 7 years! I can't believe I haven't found a reason to go back before now. It was so strange to be there again. So many memories that I hadn't thought of in years resurfaced. I went to Kenoyer Hall, and it still smelled the same! How does that happen? I peeked into my old suite, even. Not much has changed. The carpet shows the years, and the lobby furniture has a few snags, but things have been kept up pretty well. I wasn't able to get in to Coffin Hall or the Campus Center, but what I could see through the windows looked the same. The major change on campus was the removal of several houses which had been converted into apartments - where 5 or so houses used to be, there is a nice grassy field. This is probably for the best, because the cheap housing those apartments provided was also pretty slummy. My sophomore year roommate moved into one of the apartments with her new husband our junior year, and it was comprised of two bedroom sized rooms with sloped ceilings, connected by a hallway. The "kitchen" was a converted closet with tiny stove, tiny fridge, and tiny sink, all within reach from the center of the room.

As I walked through Aggieville, I did see several new businesses, particularly new chain restaurants that have come to town. But the old staples were the same - bars and coffee shops in the usual places, a few established novelty shops, and a few spots where businesses turned over continually during my years there and apparently still today.

Heath took our big boys out to the "tubes" at Tuttle Lake. I think having that area near Manhattan made it possible for me to live there for 5 years. I remember my freshman year being near tears because I needed so badly to get away from people. Growing up where I did, I often escaped to the lake that was within walking distance of my home, or to the Gyp Hills once I had my driver's license. I can't go too long without being alone, or at least in a wide open space. One of the sophomores in my suite suggested going out to Tuttle Lake, and it helped me not to go crazy from lack of personal space. (Thanks to your sister, Calana, I had excuse to get out there regularly my freshman year.)

Anyway. Being back there caused me to ponder that time in my life, and how I have changed since then. As the memories flooded back, I was able to ask myself, How would current-day Jenny do that? What has changed? It's not that there are huge differences in who I am, but I am grateful for how God has moved in me in the last 7 years. I hope I am more temperate now, more grounded, more sure than ever of my faith and of His love for me. I'm still late everywhere (it's funny how many memories came back of rushing to get somewhere, praying for an open parking space); I still possess many of the same habits and personality. But I think I am more forgiving, more willing to accept unanswered questions and unresolved relationships. I still have a lot of room to grow and a lot of goals for myself. Will I ever be a person who isn't late to everything? (And why is that such a hard habit to change?) I don't know, but the more important goals I have for myself have to do with serving others more and growing in depth in my communion with God.

Heath said something wonderful to me today, though he didn't know how wonderful it would sound to me when he said it.

When I suggested we make a day trip this weekend to meet Georgia Grace, he laughed and said "I love your spontaneity!"

He didn't realize I once got in an argument with an ex-boyfriend (who liked to claim he wasn't my boyfriend but that is another story for another time...) about this very same trait. He made me feel like it was a vice, somehow, and I've never fully shaken that feeling. But knowing that my husband actually really loves this about me has redeemed it, and made me feel special for the day.

Thank you, sweet Heath.

On another note - isn't it interesting how a single conversation can shape our perspective of ourselves so much? It makes me want to be that much more sensitive and attentive to my interactions with others.

It seems like whenever I go ahead and write a blog entry or talk to someone (or lots of people) about how difficult a situation is, then the next day proves to be much better.

I don't think today's challenges were much less than yesterdays, though they might have been slightly less. But I know that my attitude and coping skills were better. Getting a good start on the day seems to help, as well as trying to have some structure to build the day around. Heath's car is in the shop, so the kids and I had to get out of the house 3 times taking him to and from work. We also were more prepared for feeding ourselves today, since we went to the store as a family after Heath got off work last night.

Something else that helped was the receipt of 3 unexpected checks in the mail yesterday which we were able to deposit in our account. When I got those out of the mailbox, the fact that all 3 arrived together on that particular day reminded me that the life God has planned for me is not all trials - there are many moments of unexpected or undeserved favor and pleasant surprises to enjoy, and sometimes there are even extended periods with barely any trials at all.

Thanks to all of you who wrote encouraging comments or gave advice on my last post. I think we are going to start with a Mom's Day Out thing and maybe some art class or swimming lessons to get the boys out of their usual groove of being at home and fighting. If that's not enough structure or time away from home, we'll move on from there. As for nursing, I'm taking it day to day and week to week. Samuel is getting slightly more efficient at nursing, although I do still spend 5-7 hours a day nursing, depending on the day (granted, 1-2 of those hours I am lying down half-asleep). I have tried limiting him to 30 minutes each session but have found he just doesn't get all the milk in that amount of time.

I'm so tired of having bad days.

Today when I reminded the boys that there is only one of me trying to meet all their needs, Ethan said, "Let's make another Mommy." Wouldn't that be nice.

I don't even exactly know what the problem is (meaning - I'm not sure what would fix it). I am overwhelmed. And yes, I've gotten myself in this situation, made my own choices, but I am trying desperately to make those choices work. I want to breastfeed. I want to home school. I want to stay home with my children.

I told Heath today that even if we end up on the polar opposite of those things - giving Samuel formula, sending Jacob to Kindergarten and Ethan to some kind of preschool program - then we are just doing what the majority of Americans do with their families. And there is nothing inherently wrong with those things, they just weren't the things we chose for our family. And I want to practice our ideals, which happen to not be the status quo. I wouldn't mind doing the other things if we were choosing them for their own merit, but I don't want to do them by default because we couldn't handle the things we wanted to do.

Anyway. I'm kind of going crazy today. Feeling like I don't have the strength or patience or peace and love inside me that I need to be able to pull it all together and make it work. I am trying though.

tension

There is so much tension in my home right now. The sibling rivalry has been increasing steadily for quite a while and has now reached a fever pitch. So, we have overt conflict and tension between the boys, plus the underlying tension of Heath and I trying to deal with it and keep our cool, which we don't always do very well.

Jacob and Ethan love each other so much and hardly know what to do without one another. However, they have been fighting nonstop for several weeks at least. I would say ever since Samuel was born, but I think we had 2 or 3 peaceful weeks after he was born. Then we settled into a routine, I guess, and these tensions surfaced.

Every toy or activity is a potential (usually a guaranteed) conflict. Jacob wants to direct every game or activity. Ethan is mostly okay with this, but at times he exerts his independence, which really irks Jacob. If Ethan tries to move a part of the "setup" for the game or activity, Jacob will often scream at him or hit him. Sometimes Ethan will intentionally mess up the whole setup in response to Jacob not letting him have input into the design.

When they are playing separately, the conflict that arises is that Jacob helps himself to whatever toys Ethan happens to be playing with. Sometimes this is because he wants them for his own play, and he may say that he "needs" them to complete his game. Or maybe he is trying to show Ethan how to play with them the "right" way. But we also have a continual problem with Jacob sneaking off with Ethan's favorite toys (which right now are his die cast Lightening McQueen and Doc Hudson, who he carries with him almost everywhere), just to irritate Ethan and not because he particularly wants them for his game. Ethan's response is to scream at the top of his lungs and sometimes hit, scratch, or bite Jacob.

So, lots of violence. Lots of tension.

Starting home school has made the jealousy between them embarrassingly obvious. While I try to read to or show Jacob something for school, Ethan will try his best to distract Jacob and I by talking or trying to involve us with a game or toy. If that fails, he will try to climb on me, get in the way of the book, or even just yell randomly at the top of his lungs. I have tried to get him interested in participating with us, modified things for his attention span and understanding, but he doesn't want to do that. Ethan's never been quite as interested in being read to or coloring or writing. So, I've got to find a solution to that. It makes me sad, since Jacob and I enjoy "doing school" so much (he has been asking to do it on the weekends, too).

The other major, major issue we have been having is Jacob's problem with fears. I think you would really call them phobias now, but I don't know. I am wondering if he might need to talk to a therapist or someone other than us, at least, to overcome them, because they are really extreme. He has always resisted going to sleep in his own bed at night. We have struggled with this off and on through the years, sometimes experiencing peace in this area for months at a time, but then having it resurface again for some reason. The latest thing that sent us back to square one was a DIY program in which an alien face appeared in the kitchen window, accompanied by creepy music (they were making alien-themed cupcakes and it was just a stupid joke). I pointed out to him how you could see the mask of the alien face on the table later, and he knew intellectually it wasn't real, but he has been pretty terrified every since. Before that, he had been sleeping well for months, after we had finally gotten over his fear of the pulsating brain - LOL it made me terrified too - from A Wrinkle in Time.

Ok, so we are sometimes stupid and we have let him be exposed to some things that have contributed to his fears. But he is very extreme with them. If left alone, he screams and screams and shakes, and NOTHING we say makes any difference. He really gets frantic. The saddest thing is when he begs God to help. We pray with him and for him, we read the Bible or pray with him until he falls asleep, we put the dog in his bed, he already has Ethan sleeping in the bottom bunk, we leave a light on, we reassure him that aliens/ghosts/monsters aren't real and that any real bad guys can't get in to our house, etc. etc. He will often be able to fall asleep initially but wakes up again several hours later, scared again and wanting in our bed. At times we have thought it was manipulation instead of fear and have treated it that way, being very firm. But at times it has clearly been real fear.

I truly sympathize at those times, but it is also very draining. We were up until 5:30 am with him last Saturday night, because we insisted that he stay in his own bed. Other nights he'll wake up crying just as we drift off to sleep, and we'll have to get back up to deal with him for another hour or two. Then, there is an effect on his daytime behavior, too. Some time in the last 6 months or so he decided it's scary to be on one level of our house without anyone else on that level. So, he won't go upstairs or downstairs unless Ethan, Heath, I, or the dog go with him. So, if a toy or cup or snack or whatever is on the other level, he'll whine and beg for one of us to go with him to get it. The same applies to going out in the backyard. Yesterday, I was unsympathetic about his fear and told him it was ridiculous and he had to get over it. I think this actually made the situation worse, maybe because he thought I was no longer willing to help if he did get attacked by aliens? I don't know, none of it makes sense to me. But the result was he followed about 10 inches behind me everywhere I went in the house all day. It was maddening. I tried to lay Samuel down gently, silently to nap by himself. Jacob, and by association Ethan, followed me, and they started talking loudly in his room before I could get him laid down. They would follow me to the bathroom and sit outside the door. They were underfoot in the kitchen while I tried to cook and handle hot food and dishes without dumping it on them. Anyway, you get the idea. Maddening.

Well, I think I have worn myself out describing it all. I have described our children's worst behavior, but they do have many charming, enjoyable qualities and moments as well. We love them so much, and we want to do what's best for each member of the family, though balancing everyone's needs is sometimes tricky. We are praying for wisdom and discernment and strength to be good parents. Although sometimes I feel like we've tried every suggestion ever written for these issues, we are still open to suggestions, if anyone has ideas.

please vote :-)

Please vote in my poll about nursing in public. I'm not embarrassed to nurse in public, but I am concerned that at times I might be making others uncomfortable.

Kansas does have a state law that a woman is permitted to nurse her baby anywhere that she would otherwise be allowed to be present.

lesson plans

I decided to create my lesson plans online and to publish them so anyone could see them. I published so that family or friends who are curious or concerned can see what Jacob is learning. :-)

Here's the link: Lesson Plan

Sonlight provides a lesson plan sheet with its curriculum, but I needed to combine the three sheets I had (one for science, one for language arts, and one for history/read-alouds), so I could see at a glance everything we are doing that day.

would you like to borrow our puppy?

I just realized we didn't make any arrangements for Mason this week while we are in CO. So I thought I would see if anyone *wants* to borrow our puppy while we are gone. He's very sweet and not much trouble at all. He likes to sit next to you on the couch, or he will stay on the floor if you tell him to - he's very compliant. He's house trained and sleeps most of the day unless you initiate playtime with him. This is the only photo I could find of him on this computer.

tiny charmer

Samuel is getting bigger! :-) I tried to illustrate in these pictures just how long he is (for his weight) - almost 23", which is about the 50th percentile for his age. He's over 9 lbs now, about the 5th percentile for his age. His head circumference is also in the 50th percentile. He is smiling, cooing, and rolling over, and generally becoming quite charming. :-)

(Sorry the first two pictures are so grainy/washed out. I couldn't figure out how to get Heath's sunshade thing off the camera, so there was a shadow on Samuel's face. I had to fix it with fill light.)