mulling over it

I've been mulling over the content of my last entry. I wanted to clarify that I don't think there isn't love in this world, simply because I asked the question "where is love." I definitely do. Love is manifest all around me in actions and attitudes, even if not consistently or "unconditionally" from one source. It is just that I am realizing, as an adult with a sometimes challenging life, how difficult it can be to maintain a loving attitude and actions toward those I have committed to love, much less to hold on to the emotions that reinforce loving actions. I am realizing that so often our feelings of love are contingent on what a person is or is not doing for us to meet our needs and desires in the relationship.

Although I experience this to be true and see the helpfulness of a strategy of consciously meeting each other's needs in order to stay "in love," it seems like there should be more than this. It seems that we should be striving for a Christ-like love that is based in a willingness to sacrifice and to submit and steeped in a trust and security that God has already met all our needs and will continue to do so - perhaps through our spouse, but in other ways if necessary. Yet, getting to a place where I can live like that is a huge challenge. So, although the flesh part of me screams "Meet my needs so it will be easier to love you!," the spirit part of me says, "I want to show love like Christ taught and modeled, by lovingly sacrificing and submitting and serving, whether or not you meet my needs."

I think the key to what I am pondering is the gap between my emotions and what I desire and have committed to do. I feel disgusted or entitled or angry in situations where I would otherwise want to act lovingly if I could see past the emotions for just a second. I suppose the only answer to my contrary emotions is inner transformation by the Holy Spirit. Yet I haven't experienced that for quite a while. There have been times in my life when I have felt and seen evidence of this sort of transformation, but not often in the toughest areas of human interaction - the relationships that are closest and most intimate in my life.

There is a truth that I first discovered in my relationship with Christ, then discovered again in the theory of cognitive therapy, then realized anew to be a scriptural principle, that what you think - what you really are convinced about deep down, spoken or unspoken - will produce corresponding emotions which will greatly influence your behavior. So I'm pretty sure the key to my struggle is that I have some beliefs that do not produce the sort of feelings that motivate loving behavior. I'm not saying that proper beliefs would cause me to always feel delighted and enamored with everyone around me, but perhaps proper beliefs would at least help to quell the feelings of anger and dislike that can occur when receiving less than ideal treatment from those around me. After all, we all realize eventually that feelings of attraction or affection or admiration or appreciation - all of which we often call love because of the loving behavior that generally accompanies them - can evaporate easily enough. But if we have committed to loving people even when they cease to meet our needs, then we need something more than these to keep us going.

I'll let you all know when I've figured out how to actually do this. ;-) I think perhaps getting adequate sleep is the first step to allowing my thoughts and deeply held beliefs to be challenged and conformed to truth. (yaaaawwwwn)

Where is love

I'm sure this is going to be a popular entry, warm and fuzzy as it is.

The longer I live life, the more I feel like human love or fondness is not really real, not in a lasting, unconditional way. The reason I feel that way is because of my experience with my own emotions. It seems like one day, I will feel great fondness and love toward my family members, but the next day, or even just a few hours later, I won't even like them. And it seems to be primarily linked to what they are doing or not doing for me at the time. If my husband is being a "good" husband or the kids are being "good" kids, then I feel very appreciative toward them; I feel like I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. When they are not fulfilling my expectations or desires or meeting my needs, then I am frustrated or even appalled and can't seem to grasp how I felt toward them just a little while earlier.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this experience. I may just be one of the few willing to admit it right now.

I think back on the marriage books I have read that seem to be the most successful or helpful. His Needs Her Needs - this book is about how marriages fall apart when spouses don't meet each others' needs, which are generally different for each gender. The Five Love Languages - this is about how people don't feel loved by each other unless they are showing love in ways that one another can perceive and receive it - in each other's specific love language. Love and Respect - this is about how husbands and wives have needs or desires that are different from each other, and how each should respect these differences and give in to meeting each other's needs, even if these needs seem strange or even unreasonable from the other person's perspective. Created to Be His Helpmeet - this is like just the wives' side of Love and Respect - instructions to the wife on how to be a "good" wife that does what her husband would desire.

Yes, these books work. They work because they make us into people that are pleasing to each other, and then we feel loved and loving toward each other. But you know what? It doesn't always last. Sometimes our spouses don't meet our needs. And at that point, I don't think most of us feel very loved or loving. We feel like our we live with people that are ultimately selfish and difficult to live with. As we all indeed are.

So where is love??? The New Testament teaches us that love is manifest as sacrifice. I think this is definitely true, and it is the part of a relationship, whether marriage, family, or friendship, that makes it an image of relationship with God. But the trouble is, we are very imperfect in our ability to sacrifice. I have human, physical limitations that prevent me from always giving my friends and family members what they need, and apparently so do they.

I honestly think sometimes that life would be much simpler without any relationships. If I had gone off to live in the woods alone or something like that, I think I would never get hurt. It would surely be much easier to "love" from afar. Because as long as I have relationships, then I have expectations of those relationships, and whenever those expectations are not met, then I don't feel loving toward those I should love. I don't think we realize what a challenge "Love your enemies" is from Jesus. Often our "enemies," those opposing us, are at other times our loved ones.

I want to be able to draw on God's love to love those around me, to have His Spirit make His love real to those around me by producing Godly characteristics in me, i.e. the fruit of the Spirit. But I have found lately - as in the last few years - that to be very, very difficult to experience on a consistent basis. My own emotions and self-protective impulses seem to overwhelm whatever good intentions I have ever had. I guess I have a lot of growing to do in the area of trusting God, so I can be less self-protective and determined to make sure my needs get met. Then maybe I'll realize what lasting love toward others feels like, and be able to experience it from others as well.

Happy Birthday, Samuel!

My baby is two years old today! I can't imagine life without him. What a joy he's been so far, and I look forward to all the years to come!

just an update

Allright, so I've been horrible about blogging. But I realized that it is the only way of keeping up with some of my out-of-town friends, and I want them to feel connected to me like I do to them when I read their blog posts. So, even if I don't write anything profound, I figure I should still say something on here occassionally.

So far, I think I am really going to like doing day care. I only have two full-time day care kids right now, an almost one year old baby girl and a 32 month old little boy. But I also have the neighbor boys, almost 5 and 7, here every other day and will soon have a 2 and 3 year old who are here every other day (maybe opposite days from the neighbor boys? don't know for sure yet).

Each child has a unique way of speaking that I have to get used to. The 2.5 year old full-time little boy doesn't speak very clearly yet, though he does talk quite a bit. So it's always a guessing game. It seems like something about the dog is usually a safe guess. He follows the dog around and even has him in his bed to nap. Then, the younger neighbor boy, who I've been around quite a bit, has a unique way of talking that I am still not quite accustomed to.

A:"Look." [holding a book about sharks]

me:(excitedly)"Sharks!"

A:"They bite you?"

me:(soberly)"Yes. They bite you. But lucky for us, they are mostly way out in the ocean where we will never see them."

A:"What about a yellow duck?"

me:"A yellow duck?"

A:"Yeah, they bite you."

me:(reassuringly)"No, yellow ducks don't bite."

A:"What about a white duck?"

me:"No, they don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying a WHITE duck bite you."

me:"White ducks don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying they do bite."

me:"Uhhh.... Well, I think they just have bills. No teeth."

A:(insistent)"No, they bite."

me:(acting surprised)"They do? Who told you that?"

A:"At the zoo. We saw ducks and I put down my hand and it bite me!"

me:"Oh! Do you think he thought your hand was a piece of bread?"

A:(looking at hand)"But I don't have no bread."

me:"No, you didn't, did you? But maybe he thought you did?"

A:"Yeah."

me:(reassuring)"But ducks don't try to eat you. Sharks try to eat you, but ducks might just think you had a piece of bread."

A:"Yeah." [wanders off to play]

This was one of our more successful conversations. In the past I have sometimes abandoned the conversations and just nodded and agreed because of the sense that we were not communicating with each other.

I am very pleased that the 2.5 year old full-time boy has had no trouble napping and has seemed happy and adjusted here. The almost 1 year old baby girl requires a lot more attention, of course - still needing to be spoon fed, fighting taking naps, and simply being fussy and wanting to be held more. But she's so cute and really is sweet - it's just normal stuff for her age. I think she'll not fuss to be held a lot and not cry at nap time as she gets older and more used to our routine.

The first week that Jacob was out of school was crazy. I thought I would have to send Jacob and Ethan to a different day care while I did my own day care! Their behavior, and specifically the way they set off and intensified each other's spells of misbehavior, was just miserable. I realized that that is exactly the sort of thing that makes me feel incompetent, out of control, incapable... you get the idea. This was contrary to the way I had been feeling lately about doing day care and, in general, about parenting. I had felt like this new venture was suited to me and would allow me to feel productive and effective and competent. But if this is how my own boys were going to act..! I looked into summer day camps, but none took 5 year olds, so it would only be an option for Jacob, and all but one were quite expensive! And then, this weekend, they got Daddy day camp - which had as its main feature no screen time, the very thing they were nagging me to death over and the source of many fights. Interestingly, they have been much more manageable, even enjoyable at times, during day care hours this week. (Huge sigh of relief.) Granted, part of it was probably the need to adjust, for Jacob, to a different environment, and for Ethan, to having Jacob home full-time again. But I was worried for a minute there. I'm hoping the rest of the summer will be smooth sailing.

Yesterday, for some reason, was an incredibly busy day care day - I felt like I was on my feet continuously doing something from 6 am to 6:30 pm (although I wasn't actually). I told Heath I hadn't worked that hard since I waitressed - and not the piddly waitressing I did in GC; but the kick my butt cause me to lose weight when I was already skinny waitressing I did in Wichita and Manhattan. Isn't it ironic how food service jobs pay so pathetically when they work you so hard? It is the same kind of labor intensive work that I was dealing with yesterday, too - cleaning things to certain standards. I have to continuously have my dishes done, which is fine, since I should have been doing that for the last 12 years, really. But there are other things that were not previously part of my routine - like cleaning the changing pad with a bleach solution after each time we use it, and washing not just my hands, but the baby's hands each time they are changed. Enforcing that each child washes their hands with soap before and after each meal and after each potty break. It takes much longer with 7 kids than with 3! And the regulation says it has to be soap and water - not hand sanitizer or a wet washcloth like we have often used to quickly clean our own kids' hands. Hand sanitizer is only supposed to be used when soap and water are unavailable. Toys are to be sanitized once a week, and each child is to have individual bedding that is washed once a week. I also try to sanitize the tile floors once a week, and I need to sweep almost every day (depending on how much we were inside and whether we had any snacks downstairs). I have to ensure that meals include milk, meat, bread, fruit, and vegetable - even if I know the children won't eat it. I guess studies have shown that a child may need to be offered a food 8 or 10 times or something like that before they will eat it. So we throw away a lot more this way, but it is probably the right thing to do to keep them healthy long term - to give them a taste for a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the perspective that fruits and vegetables are a necessary accompaniment to every meal.

At any rate, the detail of the regulations reminds me of side work in waitressing. Are the salt and pepper shakers filled almost to the brim, but not so full that it is hard to get out? Do you have twelve of each of the varieties of sweetener, and are they positioned in the right order in the container? Did you wipe down the legs and backs of the chairs and the ledges and decorations in your section? Did you refill every container in your assigned section of the back of the house, wipe down every horizontal and vertical surface, sweep, mop, clean the microwave, fill the ice? All at $2.13 an hour after you're cut from the floor (not taking tables anymore). The requirements for day care are a lot easier to stomach since it is readily apparent why they are my responsibility rather than anyone else's and how they relate to my prosperity, versus the restaurant owner's.

photo shoot

It's pretty hard to get three boys to smile and look at the camera at the same time, but Heath made a noble effort. I think we got several good shots, and a few more amusing ones.

comparisons

My friend Michele is really good about posting comparison pictures of her two girls. I rarely do it, but I wanted to compare what each boy looked like around 2 years old. Samuel will be 2 years old in a about a month, so I collaged pictures of Jacob and Ethan around the same age. The picture in the bottom right of Jacob's collage is not great, but it was the closest I had to Samuel's age right now. I think they each have a distinct look. Do you see similarities?

update (read post before this one first)

I got my temporary license in the mail today! That means that I can start taking clients immediately if I wanted. I am not quite ready myself, but maybe soon. The surveyor will still have to come and check the house, and after she checks it, the permanent license will be issued. Permanent until I have to renew it in a year, that is.

Wow. Pretty crazy. I could really be doing this soon!

Jenny's Day Care

I have been putting off, for some reason, sharing the news that we are starting our own home day care.

Yes, I know, I get frustrated with my own number of kids sometimes, right? So why add to that? Well....

1) Having the boys' friends over here a lot this year has shown me that a larger group of kids, particularly kids that are not your own, are not difficult in the same way as caring for your own children at home all day. Other people's kids don't challenge you or test you the same way that kids will challenge and test a parent. (One would hope. At least most of the time.) Also, when the kids are not all your own, and several are about the same age, chances are they will play together nicely, rather than torturing each other all day like siblings often do. They may even distract the sibilings in the group from torturing each other. Granted, a larger group is difficult in other ways, like preparing more food and supervising crafts or projects for a larger number of children. With my little bit of experience with it, it seems to be more physically challenging but less psychologically/emotionally challenging. If you have experience with this and can correct me, feel free.
2) Ethan is going to all-day Kindergarten in the fall. So, Samuel will be my only child at home for the majority of the day. I have been past the continually-overwhelmed-adjusting-to-having-three-kids-and-taking-care-of-a-baby-again stage for a while, and in the fall the easing up of the pressure will be even more noticeable. So, as usual, I need to find something to fill in the space and stretch myself. That is not entirely true, but the point is that for the first time since I've been home with the kids, I can actually envision being able to devote some energy to something other than caring for my own kids and household. Also, Heath knows that he will have to share the housework with me if I do this, or so he says - and I am holding him to it. It won't be an option not to help, I don't think, since we will have to keep the house up to a certain standard in order to do day care. So, each evening we'll have to get certain things up to spec so we can be ready for the next day, and I don't *think* he'll let me do it all while he watches TV or lies on the couch.
3) We really want to pay off our debt quickly. We looked at all the options for me bringing in some income, and seeing as I don't really want to leave Samuel with someone for more than a few hours a week, and I don't have any highly paying skills, and certainly not ones that I could make money with from home or in just a few hours a week... opening a home day care rose to the top as the clear choice. I do love and enjoy kids, and I have been spending the last six years gaining experience at caring for them. Plus, I have family members who do it and can save me from having to learn everything the hard way. Watching them both encourages me and challenges me, since they do such a good job at it. Heath and I both know going into it that it will be hard work, but we want to take it on, and we want to do it well.
4) If I find it is too challenging, I could always hire someone, probably a teenage girl, to come in and help me for a certain number of hours each week. This would slow down paying off the debt, but I would still make enough to justify doing it.

So, anyway, we are planning on starting this summer. Sometimes I think we should wait until the school year begins, so I don't have both my big boys home all day in the beginning, but then I think, I can just start with a few kids this summer if need be. I will be allowed to have up to five children other than Samuel who are not yet school age. I can also have up to four school age children, depending on how many of the other children are under 18 months. I have considered not taking any children younger than Samuel, but on the other hand I love, love, love little ones. It is my favorite stage. They need a lot of attention, but they sleep a lot, too. My two big boys will fill the school age slots, and possibly their neighbor friends will, too - I'm not sure how that will work out this summer. Right now the boys go back and forth between the two houses quite a bit, and of course we don't charge for any time that they are here. I don't want to fill the other two school age slots, partly because I just don't particularly want to, but also because I want our boys to be free to have their friends over to play. Feel free to weigh in on when you think I should start and what ages I should take.

Heath has created a wonderful website for me: www.jennyskids.com It's not totally finished, but most of the info is there. It introduces me, for those who don't know me, and it tells what our day care will be like. Like I said, we won't be starting until the end of this school year - I am still waiting for the state surveyor to come out and inspect our home to see that is complies with all the numerous regulations. But, if you know anyone who needs a good day care home in the southeast part of town, feel free to refer them to me and to my website!

potty break

So, twice now we have had late night potty visits by Jacob to the wrong bathroom. And by the wrong bathroom, I mean 1) our room, and 2) Samuel's room.

Just now I thought I heard Jacob's door open, so I went to check, and sure enough the door was open and Jacob had moved to Ethan's bed. (He was sort of lying next to Ethan cuddling him, but mostly splayed out on top of him.) I said, "Jacob, did you go pee? Jacob? Jacob? Did you go pee? Did you wet your bed?" I checked the bed, and no, thankfully it was dry. On my way to go check the hallway bathroom I notice that Samuel's light is on, and he's crying. I open the door, and there in the corner of the rocking chair in Samuel's room is a puddle.

Jacob obviously thought he was in the bathroom. He did this before in our bedroom - walked in to the spot where the toilet would be, if it was the bathroom, and casually let go and peed on our floor. Then he went back to bed, completely unresponsive to us the whole time.

Well, at least he isn't wetting the bed anymore.

personalities

Betsy posted on her blog today about the personality test she took recently, and how her result had changed from what it was in high school. I was shocked when I saw her post, because for the last two evenings, Heath and I have been discussing personality profiles, and I was planning on posting today some thoughts about it. That's easy for me to claim now, but it really is true. I didn't just steal her idea. :-)

Unlike Betsy, my personality profile hasn't changed. The description of the INFP from personalitypage.com describes me really well, with just a few things that are off because I am not purely "P"erceiving, and at times lean toward "J"udging. Here are some of the descriptions that I thought were particularly true of me: (I wanted to just copy the quotes from the article, but apparently that is illegal?)

INFP's are seeking meaning in life, purpose, truth, connections.

INFP's are idealists and perfectionists. They usually have very high standards and are hard on themselves. They may have trouble working with a group because others' standards aren't as high, or it is hard for them not to be in control. Their idealism and perfectionism can paralyze them if they don't learn to balance it with reality.

INFPs are intuitive. They especially use their intuition to guide them about people.

INFP's are generally thoughtful and considerate. They care deeply about people and are genuinely interested in them; they are good at listening and putting people at ease. However, they usually are not able to express their deep caring very well verbally and are awkward and uncomfortable when they try. Instead, they are often good writers and are able to define and express their feelings very well in written form.

INFPs hate conflict because of their focus on feelings. Conflict makes them feel terrible, and they can only focus on the fact that they don't want to feel terrible. Because conflict is so upsetting to INFPs, they are often illogical and irrational in conflict situations; they may have outbursts in which they throw out fact after fact which are not logically true. In contrast to this personal difficulty with conflict, INFPs are often able to help others work out their differences because of their intuitive understanding of other people's perspectives and feelings and their genuine care for others and desire to help them.

INFP's projects or interests can become a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented generally, they will cover every possible detail for the cause they are interested in and will become passionate about it.

You can see the entire description at personalitypage.com/INFP.html. The stuff about conflict seems especially true to me (and Heath agreed a little too enthusiastically). It's funny to see someone write a definition of a personality type that describes even the parts of my personality that I have always thought didn't go together. I really care a lot about people, so why can't I express it to them in person? And why can't I handle conflict calmly and gracefully with those same people I care so much about? I am such an idealist and perfectionist, in theory and in specific areas I become obsessed about, but overall I am not good at making sure everything gets done (does this fall under "not detail oriented"?). Well, apparently it's a whole group of people who are like me. Who knew?

P.S. - I would LOVE to hear what personality type you are and what about the description fits you the most. :-)

lost and found

You will not believe this.

Jacob just came home from school. He rode home with his friend Ethan H., like usual. Both boys came storming in the door, like usual, but today they had a special guest with them - our dog, Mason!

I was stunned. I didn't even realize Mason had gotten out. We'd been in and out of the house all day, enjoying the beautiful weather, and earlier he was playing in the backyard barking at the neighbor dogs. He must have found a hole in the fence, or maybe he slipped out the front door or garage door when I wasn't looking - he can push the front glass door open if it isn't completely latched.

But how in the world did he find the school, and on top of that, how did he find Jacob out of the 400 kids that were leaving the school? He's ridden with me to pick up Jacob a few times, but not recently, and you have to follow a maze of curving and intersecting streets to find the school. Nonetheless, Ethan H.'s Dad said Mason was sitting at Jacob's feet when he pulled up to pick up the boys. And thank goodness, he managed to find the school and Jacob without getting hit by any of the cars racing toward the school to pick up kids.

We are doubly lucky to have found him this way this time because I had just taken off his collar with his ID tag on it for a bath last night. We take it off very rarely because of one other time he got loose without it. We had to plaster the neighborhood with lost dog signs and wait seemingly forever for a call. If he gets out with his ID tag on, someone usually brings him by or calls us right away. I put his collar back on now, but the ID tag is missing! We will have to go get a replacement right away. He's too good of a dog to just lose.

I have been a horrible blogger over the last few months, ever since shortly before Christmas, really. It seems like ever since the Christmas season arrived, life hasn't slowed down.

Nevertheless, I have started several blog entries, but never finished editing them so they could be posted. Maybe I hadn't sufficiently processed those thoughts, or they didn't need to be shared right now (or possibly ever). At any rate, I have been processing thoughts during this time - just not able to verbalize a lot of it in a way that satisfies me yet.

Some news for those of you who don't see me every week or so: The boys are great. Jacob is still doing well in school and enjoying it. His reading still amazes me. One day it seemed to just come together for him, and then his reading vocabulary grew exponentially over the next few weeks and continues to steadily grow at a satisfying rate. It is wonderful to see him want to read, to stretch himself, to enjoy practicing, to seek out more, and especially, to bless those around him with his skills (I am thinking mainly of his two little brothers who love to be read to). He is tall and solid and strong - he has made a goal of conquering the playground equipment at his school, not just playing on it. One by one he conquered the various sets of monkey bars and rings, and now he and his friends dare each other and cheer each other on in completing various tricks on them, like hanging upside down. They have a scoring system for their acrobatic feats, and I had to suppress a laugh when Jacob announced that he had gotten to "Super Rainbow" level. Hah! Such tough boys, but still not aware of which things are supposedly feminine.

Ethan just turned five. I can hardly believe it! He is growing taller and looking more and more like a school-age boy instead of a preschooler. He plays pretend all day long, especially Spiderman, Star Wars, Transformers - any strong, fighting characters he hears about. He loves to be with his friends and his brothers, although he is still quite attached to me and wants to cuddle and have me play with his hair or rub his back anytime the opportunity arises. (Of course, Jacob still likes to cuddle, too, but only at certain times and much less overall than Ethan. Ethan has always been our more physically affectionate one, though.) He has gotten to the stage of asking questions, being more curious and wanting to know the answers. He didn't do this as early as Jacob, but I think it was because previously Jacob was asking all the questions for him. When he was younger, he probably didn't understand all the questions and answers, but as he grew he would have started to take it in, and it was probably enough information to satisfy his own curiosity vicariously. Now that Jacob is in school all day, and Ethan continues to grow in his understanding and perspective of the world around him, he has started to ask his own questions. I absolutely love it. That is one part of being a mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. He is also a physically strong and healthy little boy, like his brothers. He too likes to play outside and test his skills in our backyard and on the playground, but it is less of a focus in his life than it is in Jacob's.

Samuel continues to be an absolute delight. He is almost 21 months now. He is so soft and squishy and round - round cheeks, round belly, round bottom. He wants to do and have everything his big brothers do and have. He gets as excited to see them as he does to see us. He tries to wrestle with them just as rough and long as they can handle and will even initiate the wrestling himself (which can be a problem if his targets aren't ready to be wrestled). He doesn't say much intelligible yet, but the third time around I'm not freaking out - our other boys didn't speak much at this age either. He loves me with abandon, but perhaps I only notice his intensity because it is contrasted by my bigger boys gradually being more independent and not as transparent with their devotion. I am just as enamored with him as he is with me, of course - as I have been with each of my boys.

As for my life of late, I would say overall things have been going fairly well. I have had struggles, as always seems to be the case - difficulty with the boys (although you wouldn't know it from my glowing descriptions above :-) ), difficulty thriving in my role/position, difficulty processing and understanding the questions that come to my mind and heart sometimes, and difficulty dealing with my own weaknesses and limitations. Like I said above, I've been processing these things. Sometimes the process seems too slow to bear; other times I can see growth, and I am encouraged. Maybe I can write more about that later. For now, I think I will leave this entry as mostly an update on the boys, so that I can ensure it actually gets posted. Oh, and here are some pictures from Ethan's fifth birthday party, in case you haven't seen them on my Facebook page yet:

I've been meaning to post this for a while...

Two four-year-old little boys giving fake smiles for a picture...

Can you believe how much they look alike?!? The ears and the hair are different, and though you can't see it in this picture, their bodies are built differently as well. But I think we can predict with some pretty good accuracy what Ethan's face will look like in 26 years. :-)

Here are two more related pictures: The original picture from which I cropped Heath's little boy face, and one from this Christmas of Ethan with Grandma Brenda. I enjoy seeing the similarities across the generations.

I forgive

I was just talking on the phone with a friend about forgiveness. She and I were discussing the powerful, life-changing material that forgiveness is - the fact that it is the primary thing that identifies us as the people of God. We forgive because we've been forgiven. And she and I have had much of this material in our lives, some in the form of forgiveness received and some in the form of forgiveness given.

Before this conversation, I was speaking with another group of friends. It has been a good day for discussions with friends for me. Within this group, we were discussing hurts that occur in the Church. The irony is, despite me sharing my particular version of the Church hurting me, I didn't realize at the time how hypocritical it was - that I still do not have grace for the person who hurt me there - despite the fact that he is human, just like me; despite the fact that his offense, his insult to me was so much less than those I've received from others who I have forgiven and forgotten.

So here it is: I forgive you. I forgive you for saying I was an aggressive, hot-tempered person, or something to that effect, anyway. I forgive you for denying my husband a job because of something I had said. I forgive you for choosing not to include my family, for ignoring, not noticing us and setting us aside. I forgive you for judging us to be something that I firmly believe we are not. I let you go - I release you. It's okay - You're human just like me. Sometimes you misjudge. Sometimes you slip up; sometimes you overlook; sometimes perhaps you are even exclusive and self-protective.

Why can't we truly forgive each other, even seventy times seven; even when we know it to be the most powerful, life-giving, and transformative thing available to us? Why couldn't I truly forgive for so long? How did I deceive myself into thinking I already had, when my heart hadn't really let go?

This is who we are: We are not the pattern of the world - driven by self-preservation, self-focus, pride, the lust of the flesh. We are transformed - empowered by selfless love - loving even our enemies, forgiving each other, bearing each other's burdens, taking care of each other even when it hurts. (Romans 12:2)

It is hard not to be disheartened when I see unresolved conflict and hurt feelings between believers. But even when I don't see the community of forgiveness and selfless love that I believe God desires us to be, I will keep believing for it. Because now I realize: Sometimes God's solution is not the obvious one. Sometimes the change of heart, the realizations, the actions and words that need to happen come slowly, more slowly than we think we can stand. But I will try to wait patiently for God to work out the hurts we believers inflict on each other, remembering that often he is working in scarred hearts like mine.

Captain Destructo strikes again

Heath started calling Samuel Mr. Destructo a few weeks ago, a very apt nickname considering the shenanigans he pulls off, such as pulling everything out of drawers and off shelves and dumping an entire box of spagetti on the kitchen floor - quick as lightening, before I can do anything to stop him. Then, last week we sent some funny pictures to our families, one of which was this (with a smudge for privacy):

My brother, Jeff, wrote back that Samuel looks like a superhero with his goggles on, and we told Jeff that he is a superhero - Mr. Destructo. Jeff suggested it should be Captain Destructo instead, and we all decided that the goggles alone are a fitting costume for him, since it allows him to cap off his adventures by leaving a puddle for me to clean up. (He had the goggles on from the bathtub, to keep water out of his eyes when we washed his hair. He climbed out of the bathtub by himself and took off running around the house to air dry - didn't want a towel and certainly didn't want the goggles taken off. )

Well, today Captain Destructo has been in fine form. I should have known I was in for it earlier this morning when I caught him with the safety scissors that had been on the table, opening and closing them over and over really quickly. I confiscated them and the other pair from the table and put them up high. Then, I had to go help Ethan in the bathroom. He took this opportunity to climb onto the dining room table and sweep everything off it, including a stack of school papers, a chess board and all the pieces, Chutes and Ladders, flash cards, crayons and construction paper, and some instructions and parts leftover from installing a new ceiling fan this weekend. Before I could get that cleaned up, I caught him tearing open the flash cards box and taking them out, so I put those up. Next, he brought me an Animal Baby magazine with the cover newly torn off . He went straight from there to the kitchen, where he picked a couple of items out of the trash under the sink. After I removed him from there and put the items back in the trash, he started putting crayons down the heating vent. After I dug those out and took the crayons away, he asked for a bite of the apple I was eating. I handed it to him, and he threw it back at me without taking a bite, where it landed on the laptop keyboard. At this point, I decided I should take him downstairs where there are more toys and less things to damage. We all headed in the direction of the stairs, and I thought Samuel was following like usual. Instead, I discovered he had stopped at the top of the stairs to throw some shoes down the stairs from the living room. I went and retrieved him and carried him downstairs. Now he's playing with some actual toys, so hopefully his reign of chaos is over for the moment.

It's funny, he will play alone for a long time sometimes, longer than I remember either of my first two playing alone. But when he is not engrossed in toys, he can cause a lot of destruction in a short amount of time! Good thing he's so cute to make up for it.

As a bonus, here are a couple of pictures of Jacob and Ethan, also from the set we sent to family last week. Jacob has really taken off with his reading, and Ethan loves to sit really close and listen to whatever new book Jacob is attempting to master. He even fell asleep on Jacob one evening when we were reading before bed.

new...

You may have noticed in my blog roll, my friend Kent's latest post: "Epic's website is up." He is referring to Epic Church, the new church he and his wife Jenni are starting in Andover. I just wanted to say how proud we are of them for what they are stepping out in faith to do and for the sacrifices they have made to get to this point. Go check out the website to read more about their vision for Epic Church. I think it's going to be a good thing.

(That sounds like a flippant way to talk about the Church and God's Work, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

sales pressure woes

I really dislike interacting with sales people.  It's funny, because my dad was a salesman, but I don't think he was the kind of salesman I'm talking about.  I remember in high school, when I would go shopping at the "cool stores" in the mall, and when the salesperson approached I always tried to act as disinterested as possible and tell them I was just browsing.  I would get so annoyed at my mom during these trips because she would often have the audacity to actually speak with the salesperson and tell them what we were shopping for!  That, and I was a teenager, so I was frequently annoyed with my mom.  But my point is, I have long avoided interaction with salespeople, so much do I dislike the anxiety it creates in me.  As you might imagine, trying to shop for souvenirs in third world countries was a nightmare for me.

Well, we're in the midst of this furnace shopping ordeal.  Not quite third world bartering, but I was surprised by the amount of sales tactics I had to endure today.  It just leaves me feeling... BAD inside.  Yet I know the salesman is just trying to do his job and is probably doing a really good job at it, actually.  I'm sure his pitch allows a lot of customers to feel really good about spending a lot of money on his product, and he probably brings in really good revenues for his company.  I, on the other hand, would rather buy the furnace on the internet in order to save $600, and then find someone qualified to install it for me.  You think I'm joking, but I'm actually not.  

I had the sheer stupidity to ask this salesperson (who I initially mistook for a furnace technician, or I might not have asked the question) how much it would cost just for installation if we purchased our own product.  (Sigh.)  I could immediately tell he did NOT like the idea and thought it was an utterly ridiculous suggestion.  When he asked if I had the equipment there for him to see, and I told him we hadn't decided whether to order 80% or 95% efficiency yet, and that part of that depended on estimates we got for installation, he seized on what he perceived as my ineptitude, and proceeded to tell me how there was a LOT more to it than just efficiency and how a regular person couldn't possibly know how to choose a furnace for themselves because there are a lot of factors to consider etc. etc.  He stopped long enough to ask how I was planning on choosing a furnace.  I told him we'd gotten an estimate from another company first, and we were basing our size on what they recommended, plus on internet research I'd done to corroborate their recommendation.  He went into his speech again about how furnaces aren't sized like they used to be, there are a lot more factors to consider, and how he is an expert at this and very good at what he does and he would be able to tell us the proper size and to make sure that nothing was off with any little part of it that could make the whole system not work as well.

See, what I do when people talk to me like this is I kind of freeze and open my eyes wide and nod attentively, and say, "oh!" and "uh-huh."  I don't like to argue, so I don't tell him that I've spent the last couple of weeks perusing the HVAC forums online and reading articles, and that I know about the Manual J calcs and all the info that needs to go into them, i.e. insulation amounts, window sizes, roof material, siding material, as well as square feet. How I am perfectly aware the other company we got the quote from did not do a Manual J calc and instead based their recommendation on our square footage, as many HVAC contractors still do in order to save time, despite the industry agreeing the Manual J calc is the best way to size a system.  I don't tell him that I know there is a lot more to choosing a furnace than simply choosing 80% or 90% efficiency, that I know we also have to choose the number of BTUs for the furnace and number of tons for the AC and whether to choose R22 or R410A refrigerant, and that I have already researched what the proper size is likely to be for our home online.  Instead, I stand there and nod, probably giving the appearance that I am eagerly listening and amazed at what I'm being told.

After he finishes his spiel, he asks me what I want to do.  I think, "Huh?  I thought I already told you?"  But I try to play along.  "Well...  Let's do this.  I'd like to get a quote for what it would cost to install a system if we did purchase the equipment from your company."  He's at my house already, and I figure it will be helpful to see a comparison to the other quote we had gotten.  Maybe his would be lower or he would convince me for some other reason to go with his company and not order the equipment online.  I am giving him a fair chance.  Besides, I am truly interested in what the Manual J calc will turn out, if it will match the square footage estimate or not.  I was too cheap to buy the $49 homeowners version to perform the calculation myself.

Right after I agreed to this, Heath walked in the door.  Thank God!  I had been thinking the whole time the man was speaking to me, "Heath, I told you I didn't want to tell the guy we wanted to buy the system online, but you told me he wouldn't be offended, that it's just business.  Don't ever make me do this again!"  I called Heath downstairs, and  begged off that I had to finish cooking lunch.  I could hear the man giving his spiel to Heath now.

Heath came upstairs after a little while and asked in a hushed voice, "How much did you say the system online cost?"  I told him.  "He said it would be ....!"  And named an amount 2.5 times larger than ordering online and hiring the first company we'd contacted to do installation only. We sat and ate our lunch in uneasy silence until the salesman came up to ask us some more questions.  He went outside to do some more calculations, and I told Heath he could not leave again until the salesman was gone.  Finally, he came back in and sat down with us to explain what product he was going to recommend, although he did not have the estimate ready yet because he still had to put all the numbers into the Manual J calc program and see which size we would need.  We would need to set up another meeting to discuss the actual estimate. He reiterated how important it was to have experts do the job and do it right, and how he was an expert and would make sure the job was done right, and how it was highly unlikely the quote would be any less than such-and-such amount.  He said that if someone else gave us a quote as low as the amount Heath had mentioned that we should turn and run from them because they were going to do a poor job.

I knew we were in trouble when at the end of the presentation he complimented us on how he could tell we were really taking in everything he said and wanted to understand it (I'm telling you, it's the big doe eyes and the constant nodding and uh-huh-ing).  How it wasn't our fault we didn't know these things (um, we actually did), and that if people would just take the time to explain it... (making a jab at the competitor).  He also said, "Sounds good?" at the end of his presentation, like he was fairly sure we'd bought everything he'd said and were convinced.  I finally gave my only indication of hesitation, saying "Well, we'll have to consider... " and trailing off impotently.  Heath said something that sounded more confident but just as vague.

(Sigh again.)  

We set up another meeting time to get the actual estimate.  I told Heath that I'm trying to give the guy a fair chance still, and I will consider his product and the reasons he gave us for going with their (way) more expensive quote.

Plus, I want to see that Manual J calc before I order our system online, anyway. 

please vote in my poll

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this choice and what makes the most sense. Maybe some of you can offer perspective. Please vote in the poll on the right, and comment on this post if you have anything else to say about it. Thank you!

friends

Does anyone remember when I said in a post a while back how I was concerned that Ethan was missing something by not going to preschool? How I was concerned that he wasn't getting appropriate stimulation, that he seemed bored and restless at home with me all day, and wanted to just play video games and watch TV?

Well, Jacob's friendship with the neighbor boy, who we call Ethan H. in order to distinguish from our Ethan (yes, it is confusing), has been a double blessing in that Ethan H. has a little brother, Aiden, who is 4, just like our Ethan. At first, our Ethan would only go over to their house with Jacob after school and seemed to be more interested in what the big boys were doing (i.e. cool video games) than what Aiden was playing. But gradually Ethan and Aiden have developed their own friendship, and now Ethan wants to have Aiden come over during the day. It has worked out splendidly. I feel like it's mini-preschool for him, a chance to socialize and learn to get along with others his own age, minus circle time. He is no longer nagging me or sitting in front of a screen; he is outside hunting monsters or rediscovering his toys in the playroom through the fresh eyes of his friend. It is a really a huge blessing. I feel like God has met our need in a way that I could not have anticipated and in a way that I am actually more pleased with than I would have been with taking him to preschool, I think.

Here are a couple of pictures of them being silly today. Notice the weapons they carry, which are vital to backyard adventures, where droids or monsters may need to be killed at any second.

night terrors

One of the challenges we have had to face as parents of Jacob is enduring his night terrors and loving him through them.

He hadn't had one for quite a while - months, I'd say, or has it even been a year? - until this week. If you aren't familiar with night terrors, let me explain. A night terror is not a bad dream. There is no waking up and discussing the dream and being comforted. In fact, the person experiencing it doesn't even remember it the next morning and is usually impossible to awaken. Rather, it is more related to sleep walking and other sleep disorders than it is to nightmares. It begins with the child waking up screaming. You go in to comfort the child but are completely unable to comfort him, and in fact, your touches may provoke more screaming and writhing. So, realizing it is a night terror, you wait it out, watching over the child to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. After a while, he calms down, usually abruptly. He is peacefully back asleep, while your nerves are rattled and shaken.

It seems that Jacob's night terrors are often triggered by his allergies and asthma. It seems that if he doesn't have full capacity to breathe, when he slips into a deep sleep he awakens screaming. For a while, when he would frequently awaken screaming, we knew it meant one of two things - he needed to pee and was painfully holding it but unable to wake up enough to get to the bathroom, or he needed his inhaler. If he was very tired, his brain wouldn't even attempt to wake him up to get to the bathroom, but he would wake up with breathing trouble no matter what, and more often than not, he was in the night terror state. In other words, it was no use trying to talk to him. So, we have given many inhaler and breathing treatments through screams. We always figured, at least he was sucking in big breaths of the medicine.

So last night, close to 11 pm, Jacob abruptly jumped down from his bed and stumbled out to the couch and curled up into a ball. He would not respond to me at all, but he wasn't screaming either. I was getting ready to go to bed, and Heath was already in bed, so I went to get Heath to carry Jacob back to bed, thinking maybe he was just making a sleepy attempt to escape his bed. I stayed in our bedroom, but shortly heard screaming, and came out to find Jacob partially in Heath's arms, both sitting on the floor, and Jacob screaming blood-curdling screams and kicking and writhing. We made the normal attempts to communicate with him, and then sat back to wait it out together, talking in soothing voices and keeping him from kicking hard objects. Eventually I suggested that we try putting him in the bed between us, so that maybe he would know he was safe and calm down. Thankfully, it worked. Or maybe it was just time for the night terror to be over. Near the end, when he was still screaming, I was trying to stroke his hair or arm, and Heath reminded me that it doesn't help, it seems to just irritate him more. Finally, he abruptly stopped screaming. He reached up and tucked his right ear in, like he used to while sucking his binky. Heath and I looked at each other and nodded; it was over for now. In seconds he was conked out in a deep peaceful sleep. I laid next to him and let my arm rest next to his raised arm, next to his chest so I could feel his deep, steady breaths, and we let him stay in our bed for a little while.

I am always struck by how our children being in danger brings out a deep, almost primal love from within us. I know the night terrors are harmless, but seeing his face frozen in an expression of terror with mouth wide open screaming still triggers that response in me. The feelings and the situation itself seem to underscore the nature of my relationship with my firstborn. Tumult cushioned by fierce dedication. Perplexity moderated by deep attachment and delight in exactly who he is.

There has been more drama and emotion in my relationship with him than with my other children, and sometimes I say it's because he is more like me, but I don't really know that that's the case. He wants to be near someone all the time; I need time alone. He still throws violent, unpredictable, lengthy tantrums; I indulged only in milder tantrums typical for young children and outgrew them at a typical age. He has resisted almost every direction I've ever given him; I am very uncomfortable breaking the rules. But still, even when he resists me and pushes my buttons, even when I am most perplexed at his insistent struggle to have complete control over every detail of his own life, his emotions resonate with me. I think maybe it is a suspicion that the only difference between him and I is that I am quietly angry and quietly rebellious and quietly struggling to control every detail of my life, while he is dramatically so. (Yet aren't we all quietly struggling with things like this to some degree?) So, hopefully, as I discover ways to confront my quiet anger and rebellion and desire for control, I can help him deal with his. In the meanwhile, I will fiercely love and protect him.

Destine and Matt C. were in town this weekend for a wedding, and we had the privilege of hosting them at our house.  One of the neat things about it was watching their 14-month old, Eowyn, and our 16-month old, Samuel, play side by side.  I had Heath take this picture of them standing together so you could see what a giant Samuel appeared to be next to her.  She is pretty sweet. 

It was so nice to see them again and to catch up a little.  I always feel like we pick up right where we left off -  like time has passed and things have happened, but we're still just as at ease with one another and still enjoy each other's company just as much.  It makes me sad when they leave because I'm reminded how much we miss them and would enjoy seeing them more often. Yet, we're glad they have the good life they have where they are, and we are fortunate to be able to stay in touch through email, facebook, and phone.

I am supposed to leave some of the pictures for Heath to post on his blog, so you can go there to see the picture of their whole family together and some more of Wednesday, Eowyn and Samuel playing.

[Edit - for those of you who don't already know Destine and Matt... Destine was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and Matt was one of Heath's roommate the same year.  Destine and Matt started dating first, and got married the summer after Sophomore year; Heath and I started dating maybe 6 months after them and got married summer after Junior year.  They live in CO now where Destine is a nurse and Matt is a stay-at-home Dad while continuing to pursue music and art on the side.  Their daughter Wednesday is 10 now and in 5th grade, and daughter Eowyn is 14 months.]

I...

Betsy tagged me, so I will give this a shot.

I am - a Christian, a wife, a mother.

I want - to lose weight.

I have - three wonderful little boys.

I wish - sometimes, that life was easier.

I hate - cruelty and deception.

I fear - losing a child or my husband.

I hear - little boy make-believe noises for cars racing, planes flying, and heroes fighting.

I search - for answers to my questions and for little boy socks and shoes every morning.

I wonder - how the future will turn out.

I always - kiss my children goodnight and kiss my husband goodbye.

I usually - stay up too late.

I am not - picky.

I dance - less often as I used to, usually only with my children.

I sing - several times a day, often while changing diapers (to get a wiggly boy to lie still).

I never - run for exercise.

I rarely - bake.

I cry - when I feel desperately sad and rarely otherwise.

I am not always - confident.

I lose - my patience with whining, nagging, and stalling.

I'm confused - about some aspects of my faith lately.

I need - to avoid illness as much as possible this winter.

I should -  repaint the walls in almost every upstairs room of our house.

I dream - that someday we will be free of debt.

I TAG - Calana, Melanie, Kim, Kelsey

In the spirit of honesty and openness...  

I am feeling confused, maybe even disillusioned, lately about my role or position.  Does it even matter that I am home with my kids?    

When I first started staying home, it was so very important to me. Important enough to justify major financial consequences.  I think I had a pretty good idea at that time of the reasons it was important to me, to our family.  It seems that as more years have passed, more of that sense of purpose and importance of what I am doing has faded - especially during the times when I haven't felt like I was doing a very good job.

I have to admit, sending Jacob to school precipitated some of these feelings.  As long as we were convinced home schooling was the best thing, the thing we wanted and needed to do despite the sacrifices, then there was a clear purpose and important reason for me to be home for each of the children.  Once we decided to send him to school, and subsequently saw how good it seemed to be for him, I had to rethink my reasons for being home.  If our kids are all on track to start public school at age 5, then it begins to change my perspective on my role.

Ethan, too, could be in preschool for 3 hours a day this year (and I wish he was, but that's another story).  I have no doubt he would be fine with that; in fact, he would probably love it.  It seems that he needs my involvement on a daily, minute-by-minute basis less each year.  ("Of course," the rest of you are saying, but I am slow to realize these things sometimes.)  So I already see my role changing in his life, too, and I have struggled to know what place I am supposed to have and how or why my every day, all day involvement is still important.  I provide toys and games and art supplies and books, but he seems to want to watch TV or play video games most of the time lately (of course, part of the reason for this is him being sick often during the last several weeks and needing to lie around).  I feel like I allow him too much screen time, but I'm not sure of how else to direct him.  After shutting off the TV, I am faced with a whining, complaining, nagging little boy.  So that definitely puts me in a position of being "involved" in his daily life, but not in a way that makes me feel more effective or purposeful.  So far, I have felt pretty defeated and burned out by his whining and nagging.  Even though I do my best to never give in, I don't feel like we have made much progress in breaking these bad habits.  If we ever do get past the whining and nagging, I'm not sure what my role would be with him right now.  I want to encourage him to play independently, while still being involved on whatever level is helpful or appropriate, but I'm not sure what that looks like at this stage in his development.  I also worry that he is not getting the stimulation he needs at this age because of not being in preschool (but like I said, we can't do much about that right now).  So, all this tends to make me feel ineffective and lacking direction in my role as at-home Mommy to Ethan.  

Being home with Samuel has more of a clear purpose for me.  He obviously needs my constant supervision and lots of interaction.  I know I am doing the right things for him, providing experiences and things to explore, talking to him and reading to him and encouraging him.  Being home with him ensures he and I stay closely bonded, it allows me to control his sleep schedule more closely and ensure he is getting the rest he needs, it allows me to monitor what he's been eating and yes, even his pooping and peeing, as well as noticing any illnesses he may come down with right away and monitoring those closely.  (Boy, does that make me sound like a control freak, or what?)  But more than all those things, I just love watching my kids grow and develop at this age.  It is so amazing to be a part of their growth when they are so quickly mastering their environment and their own bodies.  So, you can see, I can justify my need and desire to be home with him much more easily than I could if I was only home for Ethan and Jacob.

Maybe that should be enough, being sure that I need to be home for Samuel. But it's not enough for me.  Feeling ineffective with Ethan and adjusting to not being needed by Jacob from 8:00 am - 3:20 pm each day are enough to cause me to feel confused and unsure about my role.

I'm finding being clear about my purpose is important for my own mental health, too.  I have struggled with depression off and on for years, as I have previously discussed on this blog.  I struggle more with it when I don't feel effective in my role here at home.  And then I get caught in a vicious cycle in which feeling depressed about it actually makes me less effective which makes me more depressed which makes me even less effective, and on and on.  It's a classic problem with depression - you feel too frozen to get up and do the very things that would help you not to feel depressed and frozen. Ug. 

I'm not sure how to regain that sense of purpose and effectiveness in my days.  Since I feel comfortable in my role with Samuel, it would seem I need to focus on making sure I am doing the right things with or for Ethan during his time at home with me.  Perhaps that would restore my confidence and sense of purpose.

My poor little guy! A big, big bump

For the full story and a better picture, see Nattyman's post.

focus

Today, I've been focusing on the positive. The good, enjoyable things about life. Like good food and drink. The beautiful mature trees in my back yard, and the way the light filters down through their leaves. The call of a little bird amidst the morning quiet. The cute things my kids do and say - like Samuel pushing the pretend mower with his little sun glasses on, which he wants to wear all the time either on his face or the top of his head, unless he can find a hat, which is his other favorite thing to wear; and like Ethan telling me "You just have to get used to it," when I told him I didn't enjoy playing video games nearly as much as he did. Good stories, in literature or on screen. Comfortable clothes and furniture.

Here are a couple of happy pictures to go with the positive focus. Samuel on his trike, with his sunglasses.

better

Surprisingly, things have been going okay these last few days. (Thank you for your prayers and support!) Heath has been very productive at work as a strategy to keep his mind off the tense, sad environment, which is absolutely the best thing he could be doing, since there is more work now. Several people are already interested in the open positions, and one person in Heath's department is being trained to help pick up the slack. So the 10 or 12 hour days I anticipated haven't materialized yet. If they get someone to fill the positions quickly, maybe they won't be necessary.

My ear/body ailment is getting progressively better - I actually felt pretty rested after 8 hours of sleep last night, instead of feeling like I really needed a couple more hours. The pressure is still there, but not causing enough pain to take ibuprofen anymore. So this is all good news!

A new, sweet development for our family is the presence of some neighborhood friends for our two oldest boys. Two houses down are two little boys ages 6 and 4. How have we lived here for two years and not played with them? I know, pretty crazy. Jacob finally met the older boy in his class at school. They sit next to each other and have become "best friends" and play every day on the monkey bars at recess together. They seem to be sweet boys, and their daddy is nice and apparently normal (in this day and age, you almost feel like you should provide background checks for each other before letting your kids play at one another's houses, but we resisted that urge). He is mostly a stay-at-home dad since he only works eight 24-hour days a month as a fireman. He takes the kids to stay at their grandma's house for those eight days, I guess. So, now that our boys realize these boys are available to play almost any time, they want to play with them all the time! It's cute, and I don't really know how to handle it. Like, right now I'm telling Ethan it is too early in the morning - mostly because I haven't showered yet. The daddy doesn't seem to mind letting his boys play with ours as much as they want, so I just hope if it does become too much he'll feel free to speak up.

Oh, but a crazy scary thing about this - Last night we were all out front washing the cars and using sidewalk chalk. Heath and I were both keeping an eye on Samuel, because he is pretty adventurous. We had been checking with each other periodically to make sure he was in sight, and this time, Heath asked me if Samuel was up by the garage, and I said "No..." and we realized he was out of sight and we had no idea where he was! We totally freaked out, all four of us started shouting for him and branching out down both sides of the street with Heath standing in the middle of the street to try to see him and block any cars that would come zooming down with Samuel possibly in the middle of the street. After a few scary minutes, we heard our neighbor with the two little boys say, "He's down here!" Apparently, after walking down to the little friends' house several times, Samuel had learned the way. He had toddled down the sidewalk and up onto their porch and was petting their cat. The four year old had come to the door, and he and Samuel were waving through the glass to each other, and this is how the daddy had discovered him. Normally when we call Samuel's name he responds, "Yeah!" But not this time. When I went to get him, he put his hand up to push me away - he wanted to stay. Crazy kid. I am so glad he was okay!

seriously

We really did not need a crisis right now.

We're still worn out and behind on everything because of sickness. My ears are still incredibly plugged up and uncomfortable, and Heath and I both still feel a general weakness and malaise. (On a bright note, the kids, including Jacob, seem to be in great health.)

So in the midst of feeling weak and vulnerable, we find out yesterday that the other two designers in Heath's department have been fired. No warning, no time to go back and get their things, just ordered to leave and not come back. (There was an offense involved, but nothing anyone in the department anticipated these guys getting fired over.)

This means two things for our family. 1) Heath's work load just tripled. 2) We are thrown into a state of constant anxiety, wondering if Heath is going to be fired next. (Like I said, this was not an offense anyone expected to be fired for.)

Heath is sick with tension. I can't even contemplate how I'm going to do things on my own for the next however long while Heath is working 10-12 hour days (if he can manage to get any work done through the tension!). We already were struggling with feeling like we never get to rest and never get time away from the kids (because we can't afford babysitting and because we can't seem to get the house clean enough to bring a babysitter in even if we could afford it). How are we going to feel after several weeks or months of this?

I guess for today, I just cope the best that I can. Hopefully this headache will go away in a minute, and maybe I can get the dishes done at some point today. Other than that, I don't have any ideas.

catch-up

I have been away from my blog for the last week because our family has been sick.  Jacob started getting chills, fever, and body aches starting Monday night, until Thursday noon-ish, when his fever was finally gone without medicine... for a few hours.  Then it surged up again late Thursday afternoon, and he started having trouble with his asthma.  We took him in to the urgent care clinic, and they did a chest x-ray and discovered he has pneumonia.  He is on antibiotics now and seems to be doing much better.  His fever is gone, and he is eating and playing again.

Early Tuesday morning, around 3:30 am, I woke up with a horrible earache.  I tried everything I could think of for the pain, and finally made it to the doctor at 10:50 am.  (Which is its own crazy story, see Nattyman's blog.)  My eardrum had ruptured.  So that explains the excruciating pain.  I am on antibiotics, steroids, and high-powered pain killers as needed.  The pain isn't so bad now, but my ears still feel totally full of fluid, and it's quite uncomfortable.  I will be so happy when it drains!  I am doing everything the doctor and I can come up with to make it happen more quickly, but it's just not happening yet.

Well, now that I got that out of the way, there have actually been a few things on my mind I wanted to write about.  I wanted to share some of the funny things Ethan has said over the last month or two.

E - "What's that smell?"  (as we go outside to get in the van, shortly after I had changed the fuel filter)

me - "It's probably gasoline."

E - "No. [convinced]  Smells like warthogs."

E - [drinking from our water bottle in the car on the way home from CO, says with suspicion in his voice...] "Is this toilet water?"

There was one more funny quote, but I can't remember it now.  I'll come back and add it if I can remember it...

Jacob lost both his front teeth this week.  The first one he swallowed while taking a drink here at home.  The second he swallowed while jumping on a friend's trampoline.  For the first tooth, he wanted a butterfly style yo-yo from the "tooth fairy."  For the second, he wanted a dollar and a half (which I provided in 6 shiny state quarters from different states).  He knows it's us, of course, so it is funny when he tells us exactly what he wants under his pillow.  

I think he looks very cute.

Finally, I have had some more thoughts about making space in our full lives for each other.  We had our back-to-school picnic at church last week.  After coming home from it, I was thinking how making space in our lives for each other doesn't have to mean opening our homes, although that can certainly be an effective way to accomplish it and is certainly still a goal for me.  But, as in the case of the picnic, sometimes it means sharing our resources and our time and our hearts with each other, even though no one's home is being shared.  Being willing to be open and transparent with each other and have true fellowship.  Being willing to forgo normal routines or schedules for an evening in order to share life with each other.  So, this was encouraging, to see that I can make space for others, and I can experience them making space for me, even though I haven't yet learned how to keep my home open for others as much as I'd like.  And it was reassuring that although an open door is sometimes what people desperately need - someone they can call or come to at any time, whenever the need is greatest - that still, scheduled time for each other is part of making space, too.  In fact, it is probably a necessary part of keeping our lives open for each other, and the non-scheduled, as-the-need-arises time together flows from our scheduled times together.

I am going to end my catch-up entry here, as my super-dose of ibuprofen is making me sleepy.  As a last word, I will say, I am praying for the hurricane victims, especially those in Haiti who are so vulnerable and helpless.  Our church partners with a church down there, and I hope and pray we can aid the victims both in body and spirit, as they must be so disheartened right now.

reflections on the change

Now that Jacob has been in school for several weeks, I can reflect a bit on the decision and the effect it seems to have had so far.

The main reason we decided to make a change was the feeling that it would relieve some pressure in our home environment. It is hard for me to judge yet how much it has actually done that. For one thing, I never formally started the school year with Jacob, although we had started a few of the books for fun or to practice. So I don't know how difficult or easy it might have been to go through the first grade school work with him.

Beyond that, though, I no longer have to deal with the fighting between Jacob and Ethan during the day. That is one variable that is no longer there. Yet, I now notice that Ethan throws quite a lot of fits all by himself. It's funny how that became more apparent once Jacob was gone to school all day, whereas before I attributed most of the chaos to the two boys' interaction rather than to one person's tantrums. I am able to focus more individually on Ethan with his fit-throwing and try to guide him out of this pattern/phase without distraction or complication from Jacob, so I think that is probably easier. Jacob took longer than the average child to grow out of fit-throwing, too. I remember reading that tantrums should rarely or never happen by such-and-such age, when Jacob was already past that age and thinking, "Oh no!" Now I know that he was just slow to outgrow it, as is Ethan apparently. I hope that doesn't reflect on our parenting, but maybe is just some genetic variable out of my control?

As far as how it compares educationally, I see advantages to our home program and advantages to the school program. Our history, geography, and science were fantastic compared to the school's program, which is mostly nonexistent because of the focus on reading and math. Which is okay - we are still reading our science and history books at home, although in an impromptu, not scheduled fashion. It's too bad all the kids can't get the history and science he is getting, because it's just great, but then again, that is his area of interest. Some of them might be bored to death by it. Maybe many of the parents do read science and history books to their children at home if there is an interest.

The reading/language arts program is not necessarily more comprehensive than our home program, but it is much more intensive. They spend so much time on it! Our goals or strategies for home schooling were to do guided reading with him for 10-30 minutes a day (working up to more time as he got more fluent), doing a few language arts exercises and dictation exercises that might take 15-30 minutes a day, and a phonics workbook that might take 10-15 minutes each day. In school they spend 90-120 minutes on reading and language arts each day!

I guess this is okay. It is hard for me to swallow at first, because I came into the homeschooling movement on the coat tails of Raymond and Dorothy Moore, via James Dobson's book Bringing Up Boys. Raymond Moore worked for the US Department of Education in the late 70's and did a huge study (published as Better Late than Early and later as School Can Wait) on the ideal age for beginning formal education, concluding that it was not until 8-10 years of age that children were really developmentally ready for formal, sit-down-in-a-classroom education. These findings especially applied to boys, who were more likely to be developmentally immature. So, the desire to avoid hours spent at a desk trying to learn to read and write before the child was developmentally ready to focus on the task was part of the reason we had tried to home school in the first place. Putting him in an environment where he is in fact focusing on learning to read and write for 1.5-2 hours a day is the biggest switch for me. I sort of feel like I have betrayed the belief that I had come to hold about that. But thankfully, early formal education doesn't seem to be hurting Jacob. (yet?) Obviously, each child is unique in their development and personality traits and that determines how they'll respond to a classroom at this age. I have a hard time thinking it is necessary to force him or any child to read at a certain level at this age, but as long as he is not hating the time spent on it, I figure that is okay. Right? However, if there is anything that could make me want to go back to home schooling, him struggling with the demands of sitting still and practicing reading and writing for two hours a day would be it. I do not want him to grow to hate school and learning because of those pressures or because of a feeling that he is "failing" early on in these areas - when I know he is perfectly intelligent enough to someday be a fantastic reader but may simply have a short attention span at this age. So, I will keep a close eye on that. But so far, so good. I have actually been quite impressed to see how his reading abilities have grown over the last few weeks. Maybe I would have seen those same gains with our home education program, too; I can't know for sure now.

Apparently the language arts consists of small group guided reading and centers. I think the guided reading is comparable to guided reading we would have done at home and includes similar activities that we would have done for language arts and dictation. (I am able to view his reading textbooks online with a login the teacher gave us.) The main difference, as far as I can tell, which accounts for all the extra time, is the centers. One of the centers is computer games, one is a listening center (i.e. books with audio to read along), and the others seem to be phonics games and the like. Good activities, surely, but like I said, I just wouldn't have "forced" him to spend that much time on reading and language arts at this age, unless he was interested and seemed to want that much instruction and practice. But as long as he doesn't complain and still seems to like school... It can't hurt, right? I seem to need to reassure myself of this...

As for math, I have no problem with what they have been doing, although it is amusing to me to see him bring home papers on tally marks and "one greater than," when he knows how to multiply and counts easily by 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s, etc. (Sorry, I'm bragging a little bit :-) The kid can't get enough of math. But he seems to still think his math at school is fun, and somehow is not bored by an hour lesson on concepts he mastered last year, so I guess that is okay. It's good for a person to feel he is really good in an area and not to have to worry about it. We can continue to make a game of multiplication flash cards at home. Maybe they will pick up the pace as the year progresses.

All I have heard about PE is them marching and playing some sort of game involving bouncing a ball over a line. All I have heard about Music is them doing the hokie pokie and one or two little songs he has sung for us. I sincerely hope there is more to these "special" classes than what I hear, or else the taxpayers are really wasting their money. I assume there is much more direction and purpose that I am simply not hearing from my selective-memory six-year-old. :-) I am continuing our own music education and PE programs with him - i.e. piano lessons with Calana and sports at the YMCA. He is loving football right now, and if it isn't cute to see a bunch of six-year-olds hike the ball and run a play! Next is basketball, then soccer, then t-ball and swimming lessons again. Gotta love the Y. (Of course I won't make him enroll in any of these sports, it's just that so far he has been eager to try them.)

He loves computer lab, as I knew he would, and I wonder why it didn't occur to me that the time he spent playing educational computer games at home was legitimate "school" time? Heck, he could have done that almost all day (if I let him). He loved the keyboarding program and wants us to buy the program for home, and now he has been working on a Reader Rabbit program, too - I'm not sure if that is in computer lab or in his classroom during centers. He is amazed by the Library, for they have the entire collection of Magic School Bus books to check out.

Of course, best of all, there are friends. He informs me almost each day where he stands with friends - so and so is now his best friend, so and so is also a friend now, so and so is almost a friend, or close to becoming one. I am glad to see him excited to see other little boys and girls. I am surprised he does not discriminate yet - he is just as interested in the little girls being his friends as the little boys. One little girl is named "Cimmaren" - and I wonder if she is really named "Cinammon." But he insists it is Cimmaren.

So, in conclusion, I think it is working out. It gives me a break from the fighting, he is growing in his reading ability and making some friends, and he says he likes it. I have a few doubts I struggle with still about the amount of time he is made to practice reading and language arts each day, but as long as he doesn't seem to mind, we will stick with it. He could be watching Science Channel and playing during the extra hours at home, instead... But this is okay.

full

We talk at WM about making space in our lives for each other. We try to practice it. Yet, it has become more and more apparent to me how really difficult this is.

Everyone's life is full. Every one I know, including myself, maxes out their life. We have no room to help each other, for the most part.

I want to have the sort of home where people can just drop in, where it is always open for anyone who needs me or simply needs a place to hang out where they feel safe and welcomed. But I am not there yet. If a friend called and really needed me, I hope I would drop everything to be there for them, even if it meant them seeing my embarrassingly messy house or my unshowered, ungroomed self. But more often than not, I am not challenged on this issue, because we are so reticent to ask each other for help.

Part of the reason I write this is to see if maybe I am just in this isolated phase of life where it seems this way. Maybe by nature of the stage I am in, all the people around me seem to have a very full life. I just know that if I am struggling, I don't want to burden my friends who are also at home with small children, because they are just as overwhelmed and stressed out at times as I am. Friends who don't have small children at home usually have jobs or other responsibilities while their older children are at school, and often evening activities or responsibilities as well. Friends without any children at home usually have full-time jobs and often evening responsibilities as well, or must use the evening to rest and recover from the pressure and activity of their full-time day jobs. I start to lose my mind from the monotony and stress of being with my children 24/7, and I certainly need reprieve, but Heath comes home from the pressure of his full-time job and needs rest, too. We are both in the same boat, as is everyone else we know.

It seems that we need to make acquaintance with some retired people. Isn't that how our parents did it? I know Heath and I spent a lot of time at our retired grandparents homes. Hardly anyone I know has retired grandparents for their children anymore, though. Our society is much too productive for that. If they are not working, it is probably because they are incapacitated, and possibly in a nursing home.

When all of us max out our lives with no room for stumbling or falling behind for ourselves or anyone else, the only option we are left with is paid help when the need arise. There are day cares, Mom's Day Out programs, and babysitters, housekeeping and laundry services, even, to offer help to families needing a helping hand while raising their children. The problem is, not everyone can afford these reprieves. So what do we do? I personally don't see the solution. How in our modern world and society can we ever offer each other any help, when we are barely able to meet our responsibilities ourselves?

boxer book

Jacob has a 3-ring folder that he brings home from school each night called his "boxer book" - because it has a picture of a boxer on the front, his teacher's favorite dog. He was very excited to purchase and bring home his boxer book the first day, and as Heath watched me eagerly examine it, he teased me that I was as excited as Jacob was to get it. I think I was. It has a behavior chart, a folder with a book to read each night, a folder with homework and graded papers, a lunch menu, school calendar, notes from the teacher, a zipper pouch for lunch money or notes from home, a log for recording minutes spent reading, etc. Just the sort of thing I find fascinating and satisfying.

So, today in the boxer book I found a neat list from Jacob's 4th grade buddy (his teacher matches them up with students from a 4th grade class in the building), and it told of certain "favorites" for Jacob and his buddy. I thought it was enlightening and amusing, so I'm sharing it with you.

The first answer is Jacob's, the second is his fourth grade buddy Elijah's:
Our Favorites!
color - red, red
food - meat, chicken
TV show - Cyberchase, basketball
season - summer, winter
vacation - no, Orlando
animal - zebra, tiger
place - Exploration Place, home
drink - water, apple juice
dessert - popcicles, brownies
vegetable - no, corn
I want to travel to... Disneyland, Hollywood
In like to... play, play basketball
In the winter, I like to... play in the snow, play in the snow
In the summer, I like to... swim, play basketball
Favorite thing in school... art, math
If I had $50, I would spend it on... toys, toys
I also like... golf, amusement parks

"all done!"

This week Samuel learned to say "all done." I have been trying to teach him the sign language as well as the word, so he can tell me when he is done eating and ready to get out of his highchair. What he does now is say the word "done" somewhat intelligibly while waving/closing his right hand in the air - not very close to the actual sign for it, but you can tell he's trying to do something like it. Then he smiles a huge smile while I cheer and clap and get him out of his highchair.

Incidently, this week I also learned to say "All done."

Heath came home Thursday before last and said, "I think we should enroll Jacob in school." This time, instead of dismissing the idea or at the very least saying we should wait and discuss and think about it more, I said, "Okay, we can try it."

As those closest to us know, despite all the reasons we support the idea of home schooling, the atmosphere in our home has been very difficult to manage at times, which has led us to consider other schooling options several times over the last 10 months or so. There have been a couple of times that we have been really close to doing something different for school for Jacob, but for one reason or another we haven't gone through with it until now. On previous occasions, we decided to delay and give ourselves time to try something different at home first, and then we would have hope of the situation improving, and perhaps even see signs of improvement, at least for a little while. But I will admit, there have been some difficult issues - with managing our home environment, not with the teaching itself. The actual process of teaching Jacob (and Ethan, as he came alongside for the parts that interested him) has been very satisfying, and I will miss that. I certainly would still encourage others to try home schooling if they are drawn to it, as I think it can work very well, depending on your particular situation at home. However, it was time for us to do this, and I think we are already seeing some positive results. I'll probably be able to speak to that side of it more as more time passes. I just thought it was time to let my blog friends know of our decision, since you have all walked with me through the process of reasoning it out and considering our options. It seemed we had settled on one side of the fence after rehashing the philosophy and reasons behind the decision a few weeks ago, but in the end we decided differently.

So, now you know! Like I said, I expect to be able to tell you more about how it's going as more time passes.

struggle

We had a wonderful weekend.

But I'm having a lousy morning. Maybe it is the abrupt transition from such a wonderful weekend back into the responsibilities of daily life.

It's one of those days when I feel very distant from the reality of God's love. Because He is far away in heaven above, and how on earth am I supposed to feel his love today? My thought process goes something like this: I have concluded after almost 31 years on earth that the means God can use to show us His love is through each other, through working on the hearts of those who are open to Him to be more kind and loving to each other in His name. But implicit in that opportunity for God to work and for us to be used by Him is the fact that we are fallible and weak and often can barely handle our own lives, much less give anything to each other. Even when we really want to be used by God and show His love, we are just weak and oftentimes unable.

I guess it is the age-old struggle to understand the existence of a loving God who created a world and a human race that are now broken. I know the answers I would give someone else with my feelings and questions. But somehow my answers don't always make me feel better, and just bring up more questions that I have no answers to, like "Well then why did God create the world and humanity this way, with the potential to be broken?" And the only place that leaves me to go is trust - trust that God knows more than I do. So that's where I'll travel to now, and cease struggling for a while.

quote

Jacob: "What's 'Dammit'?" (always so curious about new vocabulary words)

(Heath stops and looks pointedly at me.)

Me: "It's a word kids shouldn't say. It means I hurt myself with the stupid chair."

Not sure that's a great definition, but this time I'll sacrifice accuracy.....

10 years of life together

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that Heath and I will have been married for ten years on Friday. I was trying to conceptualize ten years, thinking back over each year and trying to remember it and get a feel for how our relationship has survived and grown over the years and how we have each grown and changed personally...

Year One (1998-99): We came back from our honeymoon in Florida to our first apartment in Manhattan. This was a golden year - we had so much fun setting up our apartment, "playing house." I only took six hours that first semester and worked one or two shifts a week at Gold Fork, so I had lots of time to play house and keep Heath distracted from studying for his 19 hours of classes. (Heath mostly remembers me sleeping in during his morning classes, but I remember lots of cooking and organizing the apartment, too.) It was a difficult semester academically for Heath, with all the distraction, and I think he ended up retaking two of the classes. I started gaining weight and was constantly wondering if I was pregnant (wouldn't that have been a good excuse?). I'm sure having someone to cook for and to eat out with was more to blame. We absolutely loved our little two-bedroom apartment on the west side of town, with its fireplace and wood deck and our very own washer and dryer and dishwasher - quite luxurious for us! My 1991 Ford Tempo which had served me well for the previous five years started having electrical problems, so we parked on a hill and push started it for a good portion of the year, until we realized we could start it with a screwdriver instead. As summer approached and we realized we didn't have student aid to live on anymore and Heath didn't have a job in Manhattan, we decided to go back to GC for the summer and sublet our apartment to someone we knew from MCC. We stayed at Heath's parents house while he worked as an assistant manager at the Fun Center, and I was supposed to be working there as well, but I was only scheduled for 10 or 20 hours a week. Frustrating. I guess we still probably made more money than if only I had been working over the summer at Gold Fork, EXCEPT for the fact that our subleter paid almost none of her rent or electric bills for the summer, so we got stuck with those as well. Hello, credit cards. Goodbye, consumer-debt-free first year of marriage.

Year Two (1999-2000): We came back to Manhattan from GC kind of disheartened by the summer, having not gotten paid from our subleter and having dished out money for the still mysterious recurring electrical problem on our car. We moved into a much smaller (though also much closer to campus) basement apartment with none of the amenities of our last apartment. I was a fifth year senior, and even though the financial aid officer had told me when I started at MCC on a five year program with a four year Presidential Scholarship that the fifth year students were usually awarded a general scholarship equal to what they had been getting the previous years (assuming you were still keeping your GPA up), Heath and I both got a big fat ZERO (okay, maybe it was some pittance amount, I don't remember - I just remember it sure felt like zero compared to what we had been receiving) from the MCC General Scholarship fund. Instead, MCC built a giant decorative stone thingy on campus to showcase the 10 Commandments that had been taken down from the Manhattan Courthouse and focused all their fund-raising efforts on paying for that. So there was very little in the general scholarship fund that year. We felt like they had roped us in, since we only had one year left now and obviously we weren't going to start all over somewhere else, and then basically given us the finger because they knew we had to finish with no scholarships now. Not only that, they had raised tuition drastically the final two years we were there, from about $2500 a semester when I started to I think close to $3200 or $3500 a semester (not sure, maybe more) when I finished. I may seem to go on and on about this, but it REALLY characterized our year. We were training to be missionaries, for goodness sakes. How exactly were we supposed to do that when we graduated with beaucoup debt? I decided to drop my KSU degree and finish my MCC classes in the fall, and I started working full-time second semester. We still weren't making it financially though, and Heath started looking for a job, too. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he'd gotten laid off his work study job at the beginning of fall semester too. MCC was really making good alumni members out of us.)

As spring semester drew to a close we moved back to GC to be surrounded by Christians who actually acted like Jesus (sorry, I know that's harsh, but if you'd been there...) and so Heath could have a job, since the job market in Manhattan is pretty brutal. Heath finished his classes by correspondence while he started his new job, and I substituted in the GC schools for the last few weeks of classes before summer. We lived with his parents for a while because we were leaving for our missions internship at the end of May, a requirement for me to finish my degree and something we were excited about, too. During those few weeks before we left, we felt like we started to heal from the hurt that we'd experienced all year.

Year Three (2000-2001): We returned from our missions internship and celebrated our anniversary in St. Louis on the way home from our missions agency in Indianapolis. After two months without American food and entertainment, everything seemed ten times as enjoyable and luxurious as it normally would have seemed. Heath went back to work with his dad, and I started looking for a permanent job. I started working for the County Attorney in September, we bought our first house in October and our first car together, a cute little Plymouth Neon (much nicer than the Dodge Neons in my opinion), in December. We became friends with Tim and Jess, then Matt and Betsy moved back, and then Kent and Chelsea and Daniel and Sarah and somewhere in there Chris and Linda... We were surrounded by friends and were childless and Betsy threw parties for any occasion she could think of. We would sometimes go by Matt and Betsy's apartment after work just to sit and eat whatever she had in her candy jar and hang out (is it any wonder I was steadily gaining weight?). Apart from Heath's bout with illness after we returned from Africa, and his recurrent struggle with those issues, it was a delightful time, and we were healing from our previous disillusionment. Cornerstone Church, Heath's home church, was a great place for us to be during this time. We actually started to pay down our debt and put away our credit cards, vowing to pay with cash or our checking account. As our anniversary neared again, we decided we were ready to try to conceive. Even though we were depending on both incomes, both of us making almost exactly the same amount and getting our insurance through my job, we didn't foresee being able to live on one income any time in the near future, and we were ready to start our family. We didn't want to wait five or ten years, which was the soonest we could envision me being able to quit my job.

Year Four (2001-2002): I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of October, and we were SO excited. I worked until I was put on bedrest with preeclampsia, so I had hugely swollen ankles and soda crackers and a fan permanently stationed on my desk. One day, I went to the bathroom at work and threw up so violently that I broke blood vessels in my eyes, then went back to work afterwards. I slept a lot in the evenings after work, and Heath played video games to pass the time. We continued to enjoy our friends and family, our church, the excitement of the pregnancy, jobs we each enjoyed and the satisfaction of having a little extra money and being able to paying down debt by budgeting. I took off nine weeks, I think, after Jacob was born (maybe it was just eight, I'm not sure). It was blissful. I felt like I was finally getting to fulfill everything I practiced and dreamed about as a little girl, carrying my sweet doll around with me all the time and caring for all his needs. Nursing went perfectly, he slept through the night at six weeks (once we figured out he needed to be in his car seat in order to feel secure enough to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time), and I thought I was ready to go back to work, although I knew it would rip my heart out.

Year Five (2002-2003): I went back to work near the beginning of August, near our anniversary. We were fortunate to have family to watch Jacob, so I could call and check on him a couple of times a day, often after each break time which I used to pump milk for him to have the next day, and I even went to see him on lunch break sometimes. I was totally in love with that bald, round headed baby boy. So was Heath. We would pick him up after work and argue about who would hold him first when we got home. I usually won because he needed a 6 pm feeding, but after that Heath would steal him and let him fall asleep on his chest while we watched Star Trek. We started to realize that it was hard to get much done in the evenings in terms of cooking dinner or housework, because we both really wanted to focus all our time and energy on our baby boy. By the time Jacob was seven months old, I was about to lose my mind going to work every day and not seeing him change second-by-second. Our money situation hadn't changed, but when I was crying before going to bed again one winter night, Heath finally said, "Fine, just quit your job, then!" Despite this less than sympathetic way of making the suggestion, I did quit my job and started staying home with Jacob in February. Hello, credit cards, old friends. Goodbye, paying down debt. Hello, major life change and stress of adjusting to a new role and responsibilities and the strain of not having enough money. Also this year, I dealt with being overweight from leftover pregnancy pounds and pounds I gained while nursing (since I always feel like I'm starving when I am nursing). So, in May I decided to wean Jacob so I could start seriously dieting. I took a pregnancy test in June or July because I wanted to start taking Metabolife or something like that and had to be sure I wasn't pregnant. And that's when we found out, to our great surprise, that Ethan was on his way! Heath's response when I sat the pregnancy test in front of him on the desk: "Crap! (getting up to pace, with wide-open eyes) Crap!!" We did get more excited and happy about it later, of course, but we were certainly surprised and had no idea of a due date until after the first ultrasound.

Year Six (2003-2004):
As we celebrated our fifth anniversary, we were poor, the kids and I were on Medicaid and WIC, Heath was uninsured, and I was wiped out from my pregnancy, even sicker than I had been the first time. But, I was home, and we had a delightful baby boy, another on the way, and were surrounded by family and friends we loved and who loved us. So, despite being wiped out with my pregnancy and unhappy with the way I looked (very puffy with my second pregnancy, plus still carrying extra weight from the first pregnancy and nursing), despite feeling defeated by our finances and fighting sometimes over family responsibilities, I think we were mostly happy. We were still thriving at Cornerstone Church, even though Kent and Cindy had left and the church was temporarily being pastored by the laity. When I started to get preeclampsia again early in my pregnancy, our home group prayed for me and it disappeared until much later, when it was closer to a safe time to deliver. Ethan was born in February, almost four weeks early, after a week and a half of bed rest for me. We were so amazed at how God brought me safely through the last weeks of pregnancy and the labor and delivery, and I chose his middle name, Josiah, which means "God heals or God delivers." Our first moments with Ethan were incredibly special, since there was no one else in the room but us when he was born. Heath picked Ethan up off the sheets after he was born and was the first one to hold him and make sure he was okay. The nurses didn't arrive for several minutes to towel him off, lay him on my chest to get warm, and cut the cord which by then was had stopped pulsating. We had a few hard weeks of me trying to breastfeed a tiny, very sleepy Ethan, but eventually switched to formula and finally found a bottle he could suck on easily enough to start growing well. Ethan was a cuddly, sweet little guy who slept a lot at first and was easy-going, smiley, and people-oriented even as a baby. We started to settle into a routine, and after being home for more than a year, I felt a little more comfortable and confident in my role and responsibilities. I became interested in cloth diapering during this time, and enjoyed sewing some diapers and covers for Ethan and even selling a few on ebay. It was a nice outlet for me. Heath continued to grow in his business and computer skills and to embrace his position as sole provider for our family. We started looking at ways to make our budget work better, starting with refinancing our mortgage, selling our car and getting an older vehicle, deferring my student loan payments, and deciding that maybe using our credit cards to tithe wasn't really what God wanted. After Ethan was born, we continued to be involved at Cornerstone Church as much as we could, especially with the youth group, but with a new pastor changes started to come, and we had to leave that spring. We started attending Bible Christian, where many of our friends went, instead.

Year Seven (2004-2005):
I remember this as a year of growth for us in a lot of ways. We continued to look for ways to fix our budget so that we could actually afford to live and pay our bills. In December, we took out a second mortgage and paid off a big portion of our credit card debt. Heath also got a couple of raises at work that fall. After getting the second mortgage and Heath's raises, we set up a new budget so we wouldn't add to our credit cards any more, and we took out cash with each paycheck to buy gas and groceries. I sucked up my pride and continued to use WIC vouchers for all of our dairy, eggs, and juice. Whatever cash we had left over after groceries and gas, we could use for entertainment or eating out. It felt good to be able to make our budget work and to see our debt go down for the first time in two years. We were fortunate to have free babysitting from Heath's parents, his Grandma and Aunt Gail, and from Uncle Lowell and Aunt Lori, so we even got to continue to go on dates every week or two. Since I didn't nurse Ethan, I wasn't starving all the time and was free to diet. I cut out simple sugars (on the premise that they also made me moody), and I was able to start slowly losing weight instead of gaining for the first time in two years. This was very encouraging, and removed a huge concern from my mind. We used our tax return to buy a year of catastrophic health insurance for Heath and I (now that I was no longer pregnant and covered by Medicaid) and to pay for dental exams and cleanings that had been put off since I quit my job. However, visiting the dentist was actually what precipitated us moving away from GC after five years. The dentist redid one of my fillings that was quite large, and the root became irritated. I was going to need a root canal and a crown. Neither of us had ever needed anything more than a cleaning and the occasional filling. We had no dental insurance and no idea that we might have to pay $600-1000 to get rid of a toothache. Suddenly, all of our careful budgeting and six months of paying down debt were erased with one nasty toothache. After this, Heath started looking for a different job, even though we knew it meant moving away from our wonderful world of family and friends in GC. He sent out three or four resumes, not sure that he would get any response with just five years of experience but no degree, but he quickly got a call, an interview, and then two weeks to show up at his new job. We were stunned and excited and sad to leave our friends and family and happy about the possibilities that lie ahead.

Year Eight (2005-2006):
Our seventh anniversary was Heath's first day of work at his new job. We had just experienced a whirlwind move into an apartment we had leased sight-unseen. Our house in GC was a mess, and we traveled back a few times to attempt to get it ready to be put on the market. Finally, we put out our For Sale By Owner sign, and there it sat... for the next 9 months. Though we had moved for a higher paying job with health insurance, having two sets of housing expenses meant we weren't any better off financially yet. We started looking at houses, even though we didn't think we'd be able to purchase one until we sold the house in GC. We finally decided to try applying for a mortgage without selling the house, and were amazed to find a company that approved us, although at a higher rate. Shortly after, we saw a house for sale at an amazing price, and put an offer on it immediately after viewing it. We had an intense couple of months trying to straighten out financing, making one last push to sell the GC house so we could get a mortgage from a different bank with a much better interest rate, not being able to sell the GC house and being told we couldn't have the lower interest mortgage, then finally being told we could have the mortgage if we were able to get renters and a one-year lease on our GC house. Finally, it was all settled and we closed on this house in mid-May. We didn't have friends here when we first moved, but we got involved at Central Christian right away, going to Saturday night service and a small group on Tuesday night, plus a women's Bible study during the day for me. Although Central wasn't where we ended up staying for a church home, we received good support during the time we were there, and I, specifically, grew a lot in my faith this year. Even though we were in an apartment that was really in need of repair, and we were struggling to sell our GC house for most of the year, we had a good first year here. We enjoyed the hope and excitement of Heath's new job, the fun of living in a "new" bigger city with new bigger and sometimes better things to see and do. Heath also started taking classes toward his degree in computer programming, which was exciting and offered even more hope for the future.

Year Nine (2006-2007):
We settled into our house and before too long decided we were ready for a third baby. I was pregnant by October, and so most of this year was characterized by the pregnancy. I wasn't quite as sick as during my second pregnancy, but I was tired and at times worried about getting preeclampsia for a third time. Prior to getting pregnant again, I had settled into a pretty good routine with Jacob and Ethan and the new house. Once I was pregnant, it was difficult to watch myself slipping in this area, and to no longer feel the satisfaction of knowing I was doing as well at my job of housekeeper/helpmeet/Mommy. Nonetheless, we were very excited about the new baby coming, enough so that I was mostly able to ignore my fears about the weight gain and mostly able to put aside my frustration at how the pregnancy incapacitated me in some ways. Things continued to go well at work for Heath; his department grew and he started making connections with more people in the office and stepping up to some leadership tasks. He stopped taking classes once I got pregnant because it became difficult for me to handle an evening alone with the boys by myself, at first because of being sick and exhausted with the pregnancy and then because of being exhausted and overwhelmed with a new baby. This was a little bit of a bump in the road, but ultimately it seemed to not matter much for his advancement so we tried not to be discouraged by it. We figured that we had other things to are focusing on, like a brand new baby coming into our family, and that was okay and good. Also this year, we began a spiritual journey that involved some changing perspectives on things. Along this journey, we found Wheatland Mission, which has been a huge blessing in our lives. We began to form some really genuine, true friendships and learn even more that built upon what God had been showing us.

Year Ten (2007-2008):
This last year has been characterized by adjusting to the addition of Samuel to our family. We have gone from sleepless and bleary-eyed with a tiny infant, a young preschooler, and a sometimes hesitant kindergartener, to a bit less bleary-eyed, with a curious, energetic toddler, a much more capable and independent preschooler, and a six-year-old ready to embrace his education. Heath has done really well in his job this year, and that has been a big encouragement. I feel like I have sort of stumbled along sometimes, but most of the time I feel like I'm continuing to make progress toward the goal of learning how to juggle my responsibilities and be the wife/mom/person I want to be. We have continued to grow at Wheatland Mission, being woven into relationships with members of that community even more, and being blessed by God through them. We have grown through the challenges of the year, even though at times we have felt squeezed by them. We finish our tenth year of marriage feeling like we have learned and grown and probably changed though all the things we have been through together - but that in a lot of ways we are probably still very much the same inside.

As I look back over these years, I see that so many of the struggles and victories that we have been through together revolve around a few themes: how we were doing financially; how we felt about our occupations and our responsibilities at home - whether we felt like we were handling them well and becoming more capable and whether we felt like we were in the right position; how we felt about our health and (for me) appearance; and how much we felt connected to family, friends, and church. Our stress levels and judgment of how well life was going seemed to be tied to these things and how they balanced one another. I don't know what conclusions I'm drawing, but it was just a trend I noticed.

I hope you enjoyed reading about some of what we've been through as we've stuck together these last ten years. I look forward to as many more years as the Lord grants us to walk together!

I love you, Heath! Thank you for sticking by me and loving me all these years.