retreat

I have to say that the WM retreat was really wonderful and good medicine for all the concerns I brought up in my last entry. I still want to put out feelers about starting a women's group or scheduling regular get-togethers for whoever can make it, but the retreat certainly helped to renew our feelings of connectedness with our church family. Thanks to the generosity of my mom, we were able to have the freedom to talk and listen to other grown-ups much more than usual, since she watched Samuel for us all weekend. Jacob and Ethan came with us, but they were able to play outside with the other children with minimal supervision most of the time. I was reminded, as I frequently am, of just how special the people of WM are and how blessed we are to be a part of a community such as it. What a privilege to spend almost a whole weekend with so many of them. :-)

Heath took pictures and made them into a cool YouTube movie. You can see it here: Wheatland Mission Retreat Video

(I have waited several days to post this entry hoping Heath would make the edits he wanted to the video, but I have decided I can't wait any longer. So I'm sorry if some of the heads are still cut off.)

So, when we first moved here, I immediately got involved in things because I knew I would go crazy if I didn't. Being a stay-at-home mom to little ones - 3 years old and 18 months old at the time - is a lonely, thankless job. You need to feel like you aren't alone in the world. So, I discovered a megachurch nearby that had lots and lots of women's groups that met throughout the week, with childcare provided, and I signed up for a group that was starting in the fall. We started attending that church on weekends, too, since it was familiar from a summer I lived here during college and had a good band, and immediately we signed up to be in a small group. We knew no one here - we needed to have connections fast.

It worked. It really helped. The people in the group we were placed in weren't like our soul-mates of friendship or anything, we didn't click with them on every level, but they were Christ to us at times when we really needed it, and they gave us an opportunity to be Christ to them at other times. Which is what we really needed. The women's study I signed up for made me feel like I was not alone, like my experience was valid and worthwhile and important, even, and gave me support and the opportunity to offer support. Which is so important for the human experience, in my opinion.

After a year, we moved a couple of miles south. The megachurch was now 7 miles away instead of 5, 30 minutes instead of 20. It started to seem like a long way to drive several times a week, as silly as that may seem. We also started to read some things and talk about some ideas that were not really promoted in mainstream evangelical churches, and so we were drifting away from some of the ideology at said megachurch. So all this led up to us visiting WM on the spur-of-the-moment (which is how we do everything if you haven't figured that out yet). And we've been attending there ever since.

We have clicked with people at WM. We have loved people there. It has been a refuge that too few people with our frame of thought have.

When we first attended WM, I asked about women's groups. I was just finishing another study at the megachurch, but wanted to get involved in something at WM so I would know the people there better. Yes, I discovered, there was a group that I could join in the fall. After attending a little while, we also asked about becoming a part of a small group that met throughout the week. So we started attending that as well. We need those connections. Whenever we think we don't, and we neglect them for a while, we wither.

Well, it's been over three years that we've attended WM now. The women's group dissolved a while ago, and our small group hardly met all summer and only a few times since school started. I've tried to schedule times to get together with individuals I felt I knew the best from those groups at other times, since the regular group wasn't meeting, but I've had very little luck. And now I'm withering again. So what do I do?

We go to a small church now, because we want to go to a small church. We didn't like the fact that we could go to a church service and see over a thousand people we didn't know and not speak an authentic, meaningful word to anyone, and go back home. I might as well have listened to a radio sermon and sang to worship music on my ipod during that time. But in a small church, if everyone else's lives are stuffed too full for relationships and connectedness, and that is what you need, then what do you do?

I don't think I need to worry about offending anyone from WM with what I write on here because I don't think any of them actually read my blog anymore. (Well, and I don't actually think I wrote anything too offensive.) I guess I should be twittering or facebooking or something instead if I want people to see it. A smaller audience is actually kind of freeing, though, so I don't think I'll go that route.

Anyway - even though it is a small church, I guess I need to expand my boundaries beyond those I initially connected with to the others in the congregation, and see if anyone else still needs connectedness and doesn't have their lives stuffed too full to add anything else. Maybe I need to try to start my own women's group and see if anyone's interested.

And hey, pain only makes your art better, doesn't it? If I'm too happy, I can never write like I want to. And that is why it is hard to keep artistic crazy people on their meds. But that is another blog entry.

Halloween

kids update

In some ways, it seems that I have less to say on this blog as the kids get older. But in other ways, there is still a lot to say, but I simply don't have the time to record it all!

I'll start with the oldest child. Jacob is doing well in school, both academically and socially. It's such a blessing to not have to worry about either of my kids in school. He has friends and told us that he leads the kids at recess in their soccer games. Not that he knows the rules of soccer - but I guess he directs everyone as to what kind of game they are going to play on the soccer field with the soccer ball. I said, "Well, that makes sense that you would be a leader, because you know, Daddy is a leader at his work." Jacob said, "Yeah, I know." (Of course, Mom, I already thought of that.) He is a voracious reader, finishing a book every other night. After he plowed through the entire Magic Tree House collection we bought him this summer, I have started going to the library and checking out 10-15 little books at a time. He finishes them well before the 4 weeks are up, and I go get some more. We've discovered Encyclopedia Brown and The Littles now, so hopefully those series will keep him busy for a while. Luckily, I can still pick out educational historical fiction, like The Sword in the Tree, Riding the Pony Express, The Drinking Gourd, and Sam the Minuteman, and he thinks they are interesting. I have checked out many of the books in the Sonlight curriculum we were going to use for homeschooling, and he has enjoyed reading them. It makes me feel like we are still reaping some of the benefits that I was anticipating from using that curriculum, even though we're not actually home schooling.

Jacob is in "talent pool" for math, which means he gets taken out of the classroom to do higher level math during the regular math time a few times a week (I can't remember exactly how often). His teacher is also collecting information to get him tested for the gifted program by the end of the year, potentially to start the program in third grade. I'm not sure how I feel about that - I guess it could be really good for him. I certainly like it that he is getting more stimulating math at school now. The things they were doing in class he's been doing for a couple of years already. He just "gets" math. He told me that talent pool is way better than regular math, that they do things like 8+A=32. I said, "And you know how to do that?" He said "Yeah." (Again with the tone, like, "Well, yeah, of course, Mom.")

Jacob's behavior has become so easy and pleasant, although he still sometimes gets carried away with things with his brother and stops listening to us. We still have our conflicts with him, but they are much fewer and less intense. A firm reminder usually sets him back on the right path, with a few exceptions, like generalized wildness before bed.

Now to the second oldest child. Ethan also seems to be doing well in Kindergarten. He started a little "behind" by today's standards, in other words, not already reading. Ridiculous! He was not as interested in learning letter sounds or sounding out words as Jacob was during his preschool years, so I didn't push it, since I don't believe it is in any way necessary to read at that early age. When he started Kindergarten, the teacher put papers in his take-home folder with a page of letters in random order, to practice recognizing letter sounds, and columns of words, like cat, hat, rat, sat, bat, etc. The goal is to work through the pages - first recognizing all the letter sounds, then moving through the three-letter words columns. He took a while to get all the letter sounds, but now he has it and he is working quickly through the columns of small words. He's still behind most of his class in completing the columns, since he had to spend more time on letter sounds, but he's going to catch up pretty quickly now. I wanted to be careful that the process and the pressure to learn this didn't cause him to hate school or to think he "just wasn't good at reading" or something ridiculous like that. He's only 5, for heaven's sake! Thankfully, he has been mostly willing to practice (and I don't push it when he's not), and he is super excited that he "reads now!" They'll start sending home little books to read each night after Christmas, and I think he'll be ready. I have been thankful that his teacher seems to hold a similar view, that despite having goals and plans for them learning to read in Kindergarten, we don't pressure them, we still let them be kids. His teacher has been doing this for about 20 years, starting back when we only taught letters in Kindergarten. So he has a broad perspective that I appreciate.

I think Ethan is doing well in the friend arena, as well. He has always been extroverted and good at making friends. When I visited for lunch and recess, it seemed to me that he knew and was playing with everyone. But then when I ask about his friends, he'll say he doesn't have any, or that he only has one or two. His definition of "friend" must be a little bit different than mine. Also, he sometimes tells me things about school that are not altogether accurate in order to be dramatic or to get attention in the midst of Jacob sharing interesting stories about school, so I don't know. He had one friend that he really liked who sat across from him, who moved after a few weeks of school, and he was sad about that. But now he has made friends with two other boys who sit at his table, so hopefully those will be friendships that will last throughout the year. He also has two little girls he is friends with, identical twins in his class. I suspect one or both of them probably thinks he is her "boyfriend," but I think Ethan is clueless about it. So that's pretty cute. I don't think he can tell them apart, but he plays with both of them.

Ethan's behavior at home is still pretty crazy and difficult. He has an incredible amount of energy, is always moving, and physical with other kids and objects/furniture around him. He is loving and sweet at times, but he also pushes his limits constantly. I know he'll get it eventually, and I'm trying to be patient. But it can be maddening to tell him for the millionth time not to "discipline" Samuel, not to exact revenge on Jacob, to let us deal with his brothers instead; not to say "hate" or "evil" (as in "Sam is evil" or "Jacob is evil" - we think that is too strong and don't want him to say it) or to talk about bodily functions all the time. His teacher says his behavior is mostly okay at school, except for wrestling other kids during rug time. I can just picture it!

Now to the youngest child. Samuel has become two. He turned two five months ago, but he only became two a month ago. Since he became two, he has unrolled a roll of TP and tried to stuff it down a shower drain after removing the drain cover, taken handfuls of ashes out of the fireplace and spread them around the family room (including over the electronics), and removed about 15 keys from the laptop keyboard. On top of those major events, he also tries to empty soap dispensers and cover the bathroom counters, mirrors and floors with water whenever possible and gets into the Vaseline next to the changing table and spreads it all over himself and his bedroom surfaces whenever opportunity arises. I have put doorknob covers on a couple of doors and resorted to locking the bathroom downstairs much of the time. He also throws toys, but we have been working on curbing that habit for a while. It didn't seem like a big deal until all this other stuff was added to it. Onery! He is just so onery! It'll pass, I know. He had just been really ridiculously easy and pleasant up to this point, and we didn't think we'd go through this kind of stuff with him. He's also recently decided he's done with naps. What?!? Yeah, he's not even two and a half. I am not so happy about this development. But I'll put him in his bed, and he'll stay in there and talk for 30 minutes and finally wander out. He doesn't even act tired, so I don't feel like it's fair to force it. I really need my nap time break to survive, though, so I've got to figure something else out. He's been napless for at least a week now.

Samuel is talking more every day, and I am delighted about that. It is so fun to hear his words and ideas. He labels things as "BIG" in a deep, gruff voice, or "cute" if it is small. He is recognizing some colors. He's using many three or four word sentences, though I doubt people outside our family could understand him. He had started going in the potty, and I thought maybe we would potty train early with him, but now he has decided he's not interested. Maybe a couple of times a day he'll want to go in the potty, but he has no reservations about going in his pullup the rest of the time (or in his underwear if we put those on him again). I think it is probably not worth pushing the issue at this point. Maybe on a weekend, we will try again just with underwear and see how it goes. He may just be in an independent/rebellious stage now that is not conducive to potty training.

Well, that covers some basics for the kids. I'll try to post Halloween pictures soon. :-)

How much?

**Here is an entry I wrote back in December 2008 but never posted. I decided to edit and post it now. **

The other night, we were discussing with my in-laws Rob Bell's newest book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians. The book points out the tendency of God's people to forget that He is a rescuer of the oppressed when they themselves are no longer members of the oppressed. Bell reminds his readers that God always hears the cry of the oppressed and the needy, and that we are to represent His merciful, rescuing nature to the world.

As we reflected on this truth, we realized the difficulty in agreeing about precisely how this translates into real-life action. Bell is calling us to a higher level of giving than currently exists, and many of us would agree that the poverty that exists worldwide is sickening, especially in light of American affluence.* So we agree that we need to give more as a group, but how does that translate into our individual lives? Is there a point at which Christians should draw the line in their lifestyle and say "This is enough; I will give the rest away"? Or is there a point when we can agree that the poor among us are provided for, so it is okay to have whatever lifestyle one wishes, within one's means?

I do not think that God wishes all of his people to be at exactly the same level of wealth or poverty; I don't believe making a lot of money or having a lot of wealth is inherently displeasing to God. Rather, I see how God works through His people who do make a lot of money or have a lot of wealth to bless others who are in need. It is only when God's people hoard their wealth at the expense of helping the poor that the wealth becomes an obstacle to a relationship with God. In that situation, the poor suffer, but the wealthy also suffer as they cling to their wealth and forget their God.

Even when Christians who are high earners or born wealthy are willing to give, there is still the decision of how much. How much to keep and how much to give? Furthermore, in giving, should one concern oneself first with our fellow Americans, or primarily with the desperately poor in other countries?

We do have some government programs to help Americans in need, but do these programs meet the needs that exist? Here are some interesting numbers I compiled about the qualifying income for a family of four for various government programs:

$42,850 - maximum amount a family of four can earn without paying taxes

$42,400 - to qualify for State-sponsored health insurance for children (for a fee)

$39,783 - to receive Earned Income Credit

$39,220 - to receive WIC vouchers

$31,806 - for pregnant woman or child under age 1 to be on Medicaid

$28,194 - for children 1-5 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

$27,564 - to receive food stamps

$21,200 - for children 6-19 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

These amounts may conjure a wide range of reactions in those who see them. Some may think, "How does anyone live on that amount!" Others may think, "That's not so little! I can't believe the threshold is so high for certain programs." This reflects the difficulty in deciding what it means to care for the poor. Consider this: According to the Census Bureau, among poor families (earning less than $21,027 for a family of 4):

66% have living space of more than 2 rooms per person (on average a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom house), 75% own a car and 31% own two cars, 97% have a color television, 55% have two or more TVs, 25% have a large screen TV, 78% have a VCR or DVD player, 62% have cable or satellite tv, 89% have a microwave oven, 64% have a clothes washer, 58% have a clothes dryer, 50% have a stereo, 33% have a dishwasher, 91% have phone service, 33% have both landline and cell phones.

I am not listing these statistics in order to downplay the difficulties faced by families in poverty. I am simply illustrating that the standard of living that we perceive as "minimal" for Americans is changing. When my mother was growing up, her family had almost none of the conveniences listed above, nor did most middle class families (of course, many were not invented yet). Even in my childhood, a family considered poor would usually not have phone service or a television, and certainly not a washer and dryer, dishwasher, microwave, VCR or cable service. We have gotten used to our conveniences and can't imagine what it would be like to live without them, so we have come to think that everyone must have them. So often when a family is having trouble making ends meet, it is in light of this lifestyle which we have made the norm in our society. This illustrates that food or shelter insecurity is not often an ongoing condition for families in the United States. Even among the poor in America, food and shelter needs are generally met, allowing other amenities to be acquired. So, the needs of America's poor are more likely to be help in a temporary housing or food crisis and help with other less critical but still important needs, like health care and education.

Turning our attention to the poor outside our country, we are faced with a much different picture. People in other countries are truly starving, lacking shelter and clothing, lacking clean water and basic protection from disease. God's heart and the heart of His people cry out to meet these critical needs. It often seems beyond our grasp to truly make a difference for the huge number of desperately poor, but we can at least contribute to change.

So, what do you think? Do you have a lifestyle limit in mind for yourself (or others), beyond which any income would be given to the poor? How do you think we should balance our giving between home and foreign countries? How do we define need, and is it possible to agree that needs are being met, short of coming to a point of everyone having essentially the same standard of living?

*Heath pointed out the need to reword this sentence, when I at first wrote that American affluence is sickening in light of worldwide poverty. Actually, the poverty is what is sickening and wrong.

how to go natural?

So apparently my thing lately is shallow blog entries. I'll eventually post something more important than this again. Men, you are not going to care about this at all, so you can stop reading here. :-)

I can't remember why I started coloring my hair. I guess I wanted it a little bit lighter than it was at some point? At any rate, now I have to keep doing it, but I want to start using something as close to my natural color as possible so that maybe I can stop using it after another one or two boxes. But I am hopeless at matching the color on the box to the color on my head.

Here is a picture with a good shot of my natural hair color. (Except I know lighting can make a big difference, so who knows.) I had stopped coloring while I was pregnant with Ethan, and cut it short, so I don't think there is any color on it here. So what is it - a cool tone, a warm tone, or what they call "natural" on the boxes? There are all these terms and variations among the brands, and I stood in the aisle just staring at them all for a long time the other day. Maybe some of you that read this are more savvy about hair color than me? I have used Feria "Champagne Cocktail" the last few times, but it doesn't come out looking just like my natural color, not on the roots anyway. But maybe that is because my roots are naturally going to be darker than the lengths, not uniform. Maybe that is all that makes it look unnatural, and the solution would be to not do all over color, just some highlights on the roots or something?

Edit: I guess I am not totally opposed to continuing to color except that I use the most expensive do-it-yourself coloring brand. Maybe I just need to know what color to use in a cheaper brand, if the cheaper brands are going to work as well as Feria. I've always been afraid to use something cheap on my hair because it's long and the damage would be there for a long time.

wondering

Should I switch to a different doctor?

I've been wondering this ever since we chose the doctors we currently have. We go to the same clinic, but to two separate doctors - Heath to a male and the kids and I to a female. They aren't even in the same group within the clinic - each group/office being a separate wing of the building. I suppose there is nothing particularly wrong with our current doctors, nothing significant, anyway. My doctor does seem like she has just had a pot of coffee each time I see her, but some people are just like that, I think. I can't point to a time that she has brushed me off or not taken time for my questions, but she is always moving and talking very quickly - sort of like a little hummingbird. (She is small, too, so the comparison really fits.) Heath hasn't had anything bad to say about his doctor, but he hasn't had anything good to say, either. No strong feelings either way, I guess.

But it just isn't the same as the whole family going to Dr. Koksal, back in Garden City. He knew our whole family. His nursing staff knew our whole family. He actually had a nurse, not an MA. He had been practicing medicine my entire life and had a confident, reassuring demeanor that I believe was warranted. He took me through two pre-eclamptic pregnancies and all the shots and baby sicknesses of our first two boys. I loved it that I could walk to Dr. Koksal's office from our house in GC, if I had wanted, then to the hospital from there, if I had wanted; that when he admitted me for my deliveries, he was able and willing to drop in and check on me after clinic hours, and able to be at my bedside almost immediately when it was time to deliver. With Jacob's delivery, I remember seeing him walk in and quickly put on his garb, and it seemed like they had just told me it was time to deliver a minute or two before. They were still getting everything else in the room ready when he got there.

So at any rate, we haven't been able to find anyone we are similarly attached to here, and we won't find a similar situation. I had to wait to push for 30 minutes when Samuel was ready to be delivered because the doctor couldn't be there any quicker, and that is just how it will be in a larger city. Still, I wonder if we might find a situation a bit closer to what we liked back there.

I'd like to find a doctor that the whole family can go to, so he actually knows us as a unit. I'd rather not do women's exams with a male doctor, but Heath doesn't want to do men's exams with a female doctor. So whaddaya do. Dr. Koksal had been practicing medicine long enough to have delivered some of our friends as babies (Betsy, I think?), so somehow it was not a problem for me that he was male. I have a feeling if we are going to find one doctor for the whole family, it's going to have to be a man. It would be nice, if I have to do women's exams with a male doctor, if he could also deliver any future babies we might have. But family doctors who deliver babies seem to be rare in this area.

There is also the distance issue. Our current clinic is about 6 miles away from our house, about 2.5 miles from Heath's office. There is another clinic about a mile from our house. We actually started out there when we first moved here, but within a few months they had dropped our insurance plan so we had to switch to the place we are now. I'd like to try it again - I think - because it is so much closer and maybe we could start over with one doctor for the whole family. But then I am nervous about them possibly dropping our insurance plan again, or us realizing that we don't like it any more than our other clinic and wishing we had stayed where we were more familiar. My doctor and her staff are beginning to recognize the boys and I, at least. We'd have to start that process all over somewhere else.

What to do, what to do? I need to decide quickly because I am due for a physical, and there are certain very important prescriptions I can't get filled until I make an appointment.

If you have read this far, thank you. I know that was a lot of boring detail. If you have any advice, I'd appreciate it!

plans

I have made some changes to my plans for day care for the upcoming year. My original plan was to go at it full-force - to take the maximum number of children I was allowed to take, to put all my energy toward it. Now, I've decided that I am going to limit myself to 4 children instead of 6 during the day - that is 3 plus Samuel. I think this will be more manageable and keep me from getting too overwhelmed or stretched thin, insuring that I have the energy I need for my own family, too. However, if at some point all the children I'm caring for are potty-trained 3 and 4 year olds, then maybe I could consider caring for more than 4 during the day. It's been harder than we expected to do housework in the evenings - after feeding the kids and putting them to bed, we are both more than ready to quit working for the day. So, maybe taking four instead of six children will allow me to keep up on some of the cleaning necessary for day care during day care hours.

Right now I only have one extra child I am caring for. I purposefully didn't advertise my openings until just a couple of days ago, because I wanted to have a light load during the last couple of weeks before school started. Part of me thinks I should have waited to start day care until my big boys started school. This summer, having them home and doing day care, was harder than I thought. Yet, I don't know if I could have done anything more for/with them had I not had day care children here. I still couldn't have taken them to the pool for long periods of time every day, unless they wanted to stay in the baby pool with Samuel and I the entire time, since I can't keep all three of them safe by myself in the deeper water. And I don't think I could have done any more to manage their fighting without day care kids here. At least caring for day care kids reassured me that I was still doing something well, despite being unable to prevent or control my big boys' fighting at times. How can they love and rely on each other so much and still torture each other the way they do? Having breaks from each other now that school has started certainly helps their relationship and my tension level.

Work and money are funny things sometimes. I read an Amish fictional book recently, as I do from time to time, and I was reminded of how much our work can make us feel important or unimportant, powerful or powerless. The Amish purposefully chose jobs that keep them humble. They don't educate their children beyond 8th grade because there is no job in the Amish life that requires higher education, and they believe that higher education would only serve to make members of their community proud and elitist. It is an interesting thing to ponder, I think - how much we choose our jobs because of the importance and power they confer, or how much we choose them simply to provide for ourselves and our families. I don't want to be poor -- I don't think any of us does, really, just for the sake of being poor, although some choose it to draw closer to God. I think providing for our family is the main reason Heath and I work, and in the fields that we do. But the element of gaining prestige or significance from one's work does creep in at times. However, even if we wanted to choose a very simple, humble life now, scaling down our housing, rarely eating out, getting rid of our tv service, high-speed internet (gasp!) and our iphones (gasp!), we would still have the little matter of our debts, mostly education debts. So we work to pay them off, and in the process we become accustomed to a lot of other perks. But I also get mad at the money and the work it requires, sometimes. Why do we need so much of it? Why does it seem we can't live on less? No matter how much we make, why is the debt still so hard to pay off? It shouldn't be so mysterious or difficult, but sometimes it seems like it is.

I am finding I rarely have the chance to post even the most blog-worthy events anymore! So I am thinking I need to just do shorter entries whenever I can squeeze them in, in order to record some of the things that are happening in our lives. So here's one:

Samuel loves to go potty on the potty seat. Last night, when I changed him before bed he was completely dry after about an hour and a half in that diaper. So I asked if he wanted to go on the potty, which of course he did, and instead of just a tiny amount like the other times he has gone, it was a regular amount! I was so excited! Then, this morning he wanted to go on the potty again, but only had a little bit to pee. I put a pullup on him thinking I would let him try again later. But before we could try again, he came to me without the pullup on, holding a wet wipe and trying to wipe his own bottom but needing help. I found the pullup discarded with the poop in it, but Samuel had run in to sit on the potty seat before I could wrestle him onto the changing table to get cleaned up. I let him sit there for a bit, dumped the poop from his pullup into the potty so he could flush it, cleaned him and toilet seat up. Then I decided to put underwear on him to see if maybe he is actually ready to be trained. (I don't think putting them in pullups is really effective for serious potty training, just for letting them gain some familiarity with the process before they are really ready to start going on the potty consistently.) He didn't want the plain white underwear on because his pullup was cooler. But then I got out the Spiderman underwear. He said, almost reverently, "Spidey!" and eagerly put them on.

Unfortunately, he wet in that pair fairly quickly. But he was immediately concerned and told me about it. (Some kids are oblivious and will continue to run around wet until you find the puddle.) He sat on the potty to see if he could go any more, then we found a pair of Cars underwear for him. I have a timer set to put him on the potty again. I know it is really early for this, but he seems to want to learn if possible. I'll let you know how it goes!

(sorry for the poor quality; it's a phone picture - here he is wearing the beloved Spidey underwear)

our vacation - part two - pictures!

our vacation - part one

Our Florida vacation was wonderful! Exactly what we needed. Mostly in the interest of supplementing my own memories, I'm going to describe a little bit of our experience. I don't expect that everyone would want to read all this detail, but if you are one of the few who do, here you go.

The first three nights, we stayed at the Westin Imagine Orlando, a four star hotel which we were fortunate enough to get for half price on priceline.com. The hotel is specifically designed to be restful, from the “Heavenly Bed” and “Heavenly Shower” to the signature scent – white tea and aloe - that is in the lobby as well as in the “Heavenly Spa” toiletries provided in the bathroom. The room we stayed in has a king size bed and kitchenette (the rooms with two queen size beds do not have the kitchenette). The "Heavenly Bed" consists of a thick pillow top mattress covered with high quality sheets, a light down comforter, another flat sheet on top of that, and finally a fluffy fiber-fill comforter. There were four thick feather pillows, two long king size and two regular size for each of us, plus a long bolster pillow. The “Heavenly Shower” consists of two shower heads, one above the other, each with a choice of massage or regular spray. The rooms are decorated in sage, aqua, ecru, and beige – again, designed to be restful. The kitchenette has a sink, microwave, small fridge, and cabinets and drawers equipped with a few essential dishes, utensils, and small appliances. We certainly enjoyed having access to it for our late night bowls of cereal and chilled pop and frappaucinos. The counter and furniture tops are all a solid surface and the bathroom floor and shower walls are tiled. The hotel has a nice pool surrounded by padded lounge chairs, big umbrellas, and glass-top tables, with a poolside bar offering outrageously priced drinks. (Heath thoroughly enjoyed two $10 margaritas.) I had forgotten how relaxing it could be to float in the water, simply to relax and cool off, with no one else to watch over. Finally, the hotel has valet parking, which I thought was silly at first, but a necessary expense in order to stay here, but which turned out to be a luxury we have really enjoyed.

Our meals were wonderful. We looked up restaurants ahead of time, to see what other travelers rated as their top picks. Le Coq au Vin is a small French place, not very busy for our Friday late lunch, but absolutely delicious. Heath had a corn and crab chowder that was very smooth and buttery – it tasted like comfort feels. I had rabbit for the first time, which was covered in a lovely prune sauce and served with fresh green beans and carrots and macaroni and cheese unlike any macaroni and cheese I'd had before. The cheese was something rich and textured and the sauce was accented with some kind of spice or small vegetables – I couldn't tell exactly what. Heath had the coq au vin, which was also covered in a wonderful sauce and served with the fresh green beans and carrots, but with egg noodles instead of macaroni. His sauce was more like a rich, wine-flavored, thin brown gravy, whereas mine was a bit thicker and sweeter. We shared a glass of the house Cabernet Sauvignon, which was quite good. It was from a winery in France whose name escapes me, nothing I'd heard of before. If we lived in Orlando, I could see this becoming our favorite date restaurant. As we left, we read the signed pictures and plaques from congressmen and Presidents for whom the chef had cooked, and made note of the many awards the restaurant had received.

For dinner Friday, we went to Roy's, a Hawaiian restaurant. We had a sushi roll to start, which was wrapped in salmon and some other kind of fish and had spicy tuna in the middle. There was also rice coating the outside of the roll and thin slices of avocado on top. It was quite interesting and not what I expected. I can see how you could develop a taste for sushi, but I don't see myself going out of my way to have it again. I am glad we tried one of their sushi rolls, though, since I think I would have regretted it if we hadn't. They also served complimentary steamed edame with a special seasoning sprinkled on it, like other restaurants would serve bread before your meal. It was crunchy and sort of addictive, cracking open the shells like peanuts and popping the beans into one's mouth. For our meal, I had salmon coated with some sort of cheese – I can't remember what it was called now - served with barley accented with almonds and a mustard vinaigrette on the side. Heath had the hibachi-grilled salmon, which had a sweet soy sauce mixture on it, and was served with a strange little cake of white rice, shaped into a triangle and rolled on the outside edges in some spices. There were also thinly sliced cucumbers and carrots in some sort of vinaigrette served with his salmon. It was all very good and very unique. Not a place we would want to go all the time since it was just so strange and different to us, and pretty expensive, but an interesting place to go for special occasions.

For lunch Saturday, we went to a highly rated local place for sandwiches (after two rich meals in a row, I craved something light!). Pompoms Tea House and Sandwiches was small and out of the way, but the relaxed atmosphere, warm and upbeat staff, and the creative menu were just what we needed. We both had the Cobb sandwich, which was turkey with melted blue cheese, bacon, avocado, watercress, and red onions (which we both left off), on your choice of bread and pressed like a panini sandwich, only without the grill lines. Very tasty and filling, and also very affordable. I had the Chai, which included free refills, much to my surprise. Heath tried a local beer, Orange Blossom Pilsner, which contained orange blossom honey. No beer tastes good to me, but Heath says this one was good. We admired the photos displayed on the walls from a local artist before leaving.

After another afternoon lounging by the pool, we lazily got around and decided to pick a top rated Italian restaurant for dinner Saturday evening. Magianno's Little Italy was the best Italian restaurant I have been to so far. The atmosphere was delightful – 1940's theme, with many old painting and photographs all over the walls, old music, curtains, furniture – everything the way it would have been back then. The stuffed mushroom appetizer and the Lobster ravioli were fantastic. Heath had the special, Chicken Florentine (covered in Parmesan cheese and pan fried), with creamed spinach and buttered potatoes on the side. He had the house Merlot and I had coffee with cream, both of which were quite good accompaniments to our meal.

Sunday, we checked out of the Westin and moved to the resort where Heath's conference was Sunday night through Wednesday noon. Our room at the JW Marriot was very similar to our room at the Westin - similar size and luxuries, except lacking a kitchenette and having a larger bathroom with separate shower and bath instead. But the hotel which contained our room and the conference center and grounds adjacent to it were just amazing. Grand is the word that comes to mind. Tall ceilings, floors and walls made of marble, enormous paintings on the walls, sculptures and pottery on tables, huge chandeliers, and a huge fountain in the center of the lobby. There was a golf course, lazy river swimming pool, spa, playgrounds, sand volleyball court - I'm sure I'm leaving something out. Of course, we didn't actually have time to enjoy any of that (and even if we had the time, I think we still would have spent it lying by the pool, like we did at the Westin!). It was impressive that there was access to it, though. There were also little overpriced clothing shops and salons off the lobby and even a Starbucks. We had access to, I think, six restaurants at this resort. We ate at Citron after Heath finished his session Sunday evening, because they were offering a special for attendees of his conference and the menu looked interesting. It was good food, but I think I would have preferred it not to be a buffet. It was a fancy sort of restaurant where you would not expect a buffet, and I found I didn't know what to try and what to put together for a meal. I did like getting to try all the miniature desserts, though.

I have pictures that I will download and post later. To sum it up - we basically slept and slept and laid around by the pool and read books and talked and ate at really good places. It was perfect. :-)

this week

I am really sick.

That's the first thing that had been hard this week.

I woke up at 4 am Tuesday morning thinking, "Oh, my throat!", took ibuprofen, went back to sleep for a few hours, and managed to make it through the day. Each day the pain in my throat and ears and the vicinity has gotten worse, but I've had to keep doing day care and taking care of my own kids because...

Tuesday morning, the email server for Heath's department's customers went down. He told me he would be at the office "until further notice," and it's pretty much been true. He's come home to sleep for a few hours here and there, and yesterday he actually got home shortly after 6 pm and stayed until 8 am this morning (taking work calls and messages from here). Not that I noticed, since I went straight to bed when he got here.

So I've done daycare from 6:30 am - 5:50 pm each day, taken him dinner, then put the kids to bed - except for last night, I pointed him to the leftovers in the fridge and let him put the kids to bed, while I went straight to my own bed.

This morning, my throat and the vicinity were even worse, and I thought, "There is no way I can do this again today." I called all my day care parents and told them, except for one, the little girl who comes at 6:30 am, who I couldn't reach in time (and I don't think they would have had any other options, anyway). Then we tried to call the teenage babysitters we sometimes use to see if one of them could come over and help for the day. No luck. So I've been trying to plow through by myself. It has not been pretty.

I finally got the two two-year-olds down for naps now, so I only have Ethan to keep happy for the next hour and a half (probably just an hour now). Heath says he will be home at a normal time again, so I might get a welcome break, until tomorrow morning at least. He'll have to leave work in time for church tomorrow, because he is doing the teaching since Paul will be gone.

Part of me is amazed that I've made it through this week so far, but part of me is just disgusted with my weakness, i.e., the fact that I have now given in to feeling really angry and nagging Heath to give me the support and help I desperately need, rather than being "supportive" and happily bringing him meals and such, blah blah blah. I come back around to thinking over and over that I just wasn't not cut out to be an adult.

Stupid week.

mulling over it

I've been mulling over the content of my last entry. I wanted to clarify that I don't think there isn't love in this world, simply because I asked the question "where is love." I definitely do. Love is manifest all around me in actions and attitudes, even if not consistently or "unconditionally" from one source. It is just that I am realizing, as an adult with a sometimes challenging life, how difficult it can be to maintain a loving attitude and actions toward those I have committed to love, much less to hold on to the emotions that reinforce loving actions. I am realizing that so often our feelings of love are contingent on what a person is or is not doing for us to meet our needs and desires in the relationship.

Although I experience this to be true and see the helpfulness of a strategy of consciously meeting each other's needs in order to stay "in love," it seems like there should be more than this. It seems that we should be striving for a Christ-like love that is based in a willingness to sacrifice and to submit and steeped in a trust and security that God has already met all our needs and will continue to do so - perhaps through our spouse, but in other ways if necessary. Yet, getting to a place where I can live like that is a huge challenge. So, although the flesh part of me screams "Meet my needs so it will be easier to love you!," the spirit part of me says, "I want to show love like Christ taught and modeled, by lovingly sacrificing and submitting and serving, whether or not you meet my needs."

I think the key to what I am pondering is the gap between my emotions and what I desire and have committed to do. I feel disgusted or entitled or angry in situations where I would otherwise want to act lovingly if I could see past the emotions for just a second. I suppose the only answer to my contrary emotions is inner transformation by the Holy Spirit. Yet I haven't experienced that for quite a while. There have been times in my life when I have felt and seen evidence of this sort of transformation, but not often in the toughest areas of human interaction - the relationships that are closest and most intimate in my life.

There is a truth that I first discovered in my relationship with Christ, then discovered again in the theory of cognitive therapy, then realized anew to be a scriptural principle, that what you think - what you really are convinced about deep down, spoken or unspoken - will produce corresponding emotions which will greatly influence your behavior. So I'm pretty sure the key to my struggle is that I have some beliefs that do not produce the sort of feelings that motivate loving behavior. I'm not saying that proper beliefs would cause me to always feel delighted and enamored with everyone around me, but perhaps proper beliefs would at least help to quell the feelings of anger and dislike that can occur when receiving less than ideal treatment from those around me. After all, we all realize eventually that feelings of attraction or affection or admiration or appreciation - all of which we often call love because of the loving behavior that generally accompanies them - can evaporate easily enough. But if we have committed to loving people even when they cease to meet our needs, then we need something more than these to keep us going.

I'll let you all know when I've figured out how to actually do this. ;-) I think perhaps getting adequate sleep is the first step to allowing my thoughts and deeply held beliefs to be challenged and conformed to truth. (yaaaawwwwn)

Where is love

I'm sure this is going to be a popular entry, warm and fuzzy as it is.

The longer I live life, the more I feel like human love or fondness is not really real, not in a lasting, unconditional way. The reason I feel that way is because of my experience with my own emotions. It seems like one day, I will feel great fondness and love toward my family members, but the next day, or even just a few hours later, I won't even like them. And it seems to be primarily linked to what they are doing or not doing for me at the time. If my husband is being a "good" husband or the kids are being "good" kids, then I feel very appreciative toward them; I feel like I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. When they are not fulfilling my expectations or desires or meeting my needs, then I am frustrated or even appalled and can't seem to grasp how I felt toward them just a little while earlier.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this experience. I may just be one of the few willing to admit it right now.

I think back on the marriage books I have read that seem to be the most successful or helpful. His Needs Her Needs - this book is about how marriages fall apart when spouses don't meet each others' needs, which are generally different for each gender. The Five Love Languages - this is about how people don't feel loved by each other unless they are showing love in ways that one another can perceive and receive it - in each other's specific love language. Love and Respect - this is about how husbands and wives have needs or desires that are different from each other, and how each should respect these differences and give in to meeting each other's needs, even if these needs seem strange or even unreasonable from the other person's perspective. Created to Be His Helpmeet - this is like just the wives' side of Love and Respect - instructions to the wife on how to be a "good" wife that does what her husband would desire.

Yes, these books work. They work because they make us into people that are pleasing to each other, and then we feel loved and loving toward each other. But you know what? It doesn't always last. Sometimes our spouses don't meet our needs. And at that point, I don't think most of us feel very loved or loving. We feel like our we live with people that are ultimately selfish and difficult to live with. As we all indeed are.

So where is love??? The New Testament teaches us that love is manifest as sacrifice. I think this is definitely true, and it is the part of a relationship, whether marriage, family, or friendship, that makes it an image of relationship with God. But the trouble is, we are very imperfect in our ability to sacrifice. I have human, physical limitations that prevent me from always giving my friends and family members what they need, and apparently so do they.

I honestly think sometimes that life would be much simpler without any relationships. If I had gone off to live in the woods alone or something like that, I think I would never get hurt. It would surely be much easier to "love" from afar. Because as long as I have relationships, then I have expectations of those relationships, and whenever those expectations are not met, then I don't feel loving toward those I should love. I don't think we realize what a challenge "Love your enemies" is from Jesus. Often our "enemies," those opposing us, are at other times our loved ones.

I want to be able to draw on God's love to love those around me, to have His Spirit make His love real to those around me by producing Godly characteristics in me, i.e. the fruit of the Spirit. But I have found lately - as in the last few years - that to be very, very difficult to experience on a consistent basis. My own emotions and self-protective impulses seem to overwhelm whatever good intentions I have ever had. I guess I have a lot of growing to do in the area of trusting God, so I can be less self-protective and determined to make sure my needs get met. Then maybe I'll realize what lasting love toward others feels like, and be able to experience it from others as well.

Happy Birthday, Samuel!

My baby is two years old today! I can't imagine life without him. What a joy he's been so far, and I look forward to all the years to come!

just an update

Allright, so I've been horrible about blogging. But I realized that it is the only way of keeping up with some of my out-of-town friends, and I want them to feel connected to me like I do to them when I read their blog posts. So, even if I don't write anything profound, I figure I should still say something on here occassionally.

So far, I think I am really going to like doing day care. I only have two full-time day care kids right now, an almost one year old baby girl and a 32 month old little boy. But I also have the neighbor boys, almost 5 and 7, here every other day and will soon have a 2 and 3 year old who are here every other day (maybe opposite days from the neighbor boys? don't know for sure yet).

Each child has a unique way of speaking that I have to get used to. The 2.5 year old full-time little boy doesn't speak very clearly yet, though he does talk quite a bit. So it's always a guessing game. It seems like something about the dog is usually a safe guess. He follows the dog around and even has him in his bed to nap. Then, the younger neighbor boy, who I've been around quite a bit, has a unique way of talking that I am still not quite accustomed to.

A:"Look." [holding a book about sharks]

me:(excitedly)"Sharks!"

A:"They bite you?"

me:(soberly)"Yes. They bite you. But lucky for us, they are mostly way out in the ocean where we will never see them."

A:"What about a yellow duck?"

me:"A yellow duck?"

A:"Yeah, they bite you."

me:(reassuringly)"No, yellow ducks don't bite."

A:"What about a white duck?"

me:"No, they don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying a WHITE duck bite you."

me:"White ducks don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying they do bite."

me:"Uhhh.... Well, I think they just have bills. No teeth."

A:(insistent)"No, they bite."

me:(acting surprised)"They do? Who told you that?"

A:"At the zoo. We saw ducks and I put down my hand and it bite me!"

me:"Oh! Do you think he thought your hand was a piece of bread?"

A:(looking at hand)"But I don't have no bread."

me:"No, you didn't, did you? But maybe he thought you did?"

A:"Yeah."

me:(reassuring)"But ducks don't try to eat you. Sharks try to eat you, but ducks might just think you had a piece of bread."

A:"Yeah." [wanders off to play]

This was one of our more successful conversations. In the past I have sometimes abandoned the conversations and just nodded and agreed because of the sense that we were not communicating with each other.

I am very pleased that the 2.5 year old full-time boy has had no trouble napping and has seemed happy and adjusted here. The almost 1 year old baby girl requires a lot more attention, of course - still needing to be spoon fed, fighting taking naps, and simply being fussy and wanting to be held more. But she's so cute and really is sweet - it's just normal stuff for her age. I think she'll not fuss to be held a lot and not cry at nap time as she gets older and more used to our routine.

The first week that Jacob was out of school was crazy. I thought I would have to send Jacob and Ethan to a different day care while I did my own day care! Their behavior, and specifically the way they set off and intensified each other's spells of misbehavior, was just miserable. I realized that that is exactly the sort of thing that makes me feel incompetent, out of control, incapable... you get the idea. This was contrary to the way I had been feeling lately about doing day care and, in general, about parenting. I had felt like this new venture was suited to me and would allow me to feel productive and effective and competent. But if this is how my own boys were going to act..! I looked into summer day camps, but none took 5 year olds, so it would only be an option for Jacob, and all but one were quite expensive! And then, this weekend, they got Daddy day camp - which had as its main feature no screen time, the very thing they were nagging me to death over and the source of many fights. Interestingly, they have been much more manageable, even enjoyable at times, during day care hours this week. (Huge sigh of relief.) Granted, part of it was probably the need to adjust, for Jacob, to a different environment, and for Ethan, to having Jacob home full-time again. But I was worried for a minute there. I'm hoping the rest of the summer will be smooth sailing.

Yesterday, for some reason, was an incredibly busy day care day - I felt like I was on my feet continuously doing something from 6 am to 6:30 pm (although I wasn't actually). I told Heath I hadn't worked that hard since I waitressed - and not the piddly waitressing I did in GC; but the kick my butt cause me to lose weight when I was already skinny waitressing I did in Wichita and Manhattan. Isn't it ironic how food service jobs pay so pathetically when they work you so hard? It is the same kind of labor intensive work that I was dealing with yesterday, too - cleaning things to certain standards. I have to continuously have my dishes done, which is fine, since I should have been doing that for the last 12 years, really. But there are other things that were not previously part of my routine - like cleaning the changing pad with a bleach solution after each time we use it, and washing not just my hands, but the baby's hands each time they are changed. Enforcing that each child washes their hands with soap before and after each meal and after each potty break. It takes much longer with 7 kids than with 3! And the regulation says it has to be soap and water - not hand sanitizer or a wet washcloth like we have often used to quickly clean our own kids' hands. Hand sanitizer is only supposed to be used when soap and water are unavailable. Toys are to be sanitized once a week, and each child is to have individual bedding that is washed once a week. I also try to sanitize the tile floors once a week, and I need to sweep almost every day (depending on how much we were inside and whether we had any snacks downstairs). I have to ensure that meals include milk, meat, bread, fruit, and vegetable - even if I know the children won't eat it. I guess studies have shown that a child may need to be offered a food 8 or 10 times or something like that before they will eat it. So we throw away a lot more this way, but it is probably the right thing to do to keep them healthy long term - to give them a taste for a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the perspective that fruits and vegetables are a necessary accompaniment to every meal.

At any rate, the detail of the regulations reminds me of side work in waitressing. Are the salt and pepper shakers filled almost to the brim, but not so full that it is hard to get out? Do you have twelve of each of the varieties of sweetener, and are they positioned in the right order in the container? Did you wipe down the legs and backs of the chairs and the ledges and decorations in your section? Did you refill every container in your assigned section of the back of the house, wipe down every horizontal and vertical surface, sweep, mop, clean the microwave, fill the ice? All at $2.13 an hour after you're cut from the floor (not taking tables anymore). The requirements for day care are a lot easier to stomach since it is readily apparent why they are my responsibility rather than anyone else's and how they relate to my prosperity, versus the restaurant owner's.

photo shoot

It's pretty hard to get three boys to smile and look at the camera at the same time, but Heath made a noble effort. I think we got several good shots, and a few more amusing ones.

comparisons

My friend Michele is really good about posting comparison pictures of her two girls. I rarely do it, but I wanted to compare what each boy looked like around 2 years old. Samuel will be 2 years old in a about a month, so I collaged pictures of Jacob and Ethan around the same age. The picture in the bottom right of Jacob's collage is not great, but it was the closest I had to Samuel's age right now. I think they each have a distinct look. Do you see similarities?

update (read post before this one first)

I got my temporary license in the mail today! That means that I can start taking clients immediately if I wanted. I am not quite ready myself, but maybe soon. The surveyor will still have to come and check the house, and after she checks it, the permanent license will be issued. Permanent until I have to renew it in a year, that is.

Wow. Pretty crazy. I could really be doing this soon!

Jenny's Day Care

I have been putting off, for some reason, sharing the news that we are starting our own home day care.

Yes, I know, I get frustrated with my own number of kids sometimes, right? So why add to that? Well....

1) Having the boys' friends over here a lot this year has shown me that a larger group of kids, particularly kids that are not your own, are not difficult in the same way as caring for your own children at home all day. Other people's kids don't challenge you or test you the same way that kids will challenge and test a parent. (One would hope. At least most of the time.) Also, when the kids are not all your own, and several are about the same age, chances are they will play together nicely, rather than torturing each other all day like siblings often do. They may even distract the sibilings in the group from torturing each other. Granted, a larger group is difficult in other ways, like preparing more food and supervising crafts or projects for a larger number of children. With my little bit of experience with it, it seems to be more physically challenging but less psychologically/emotionally challenging. If you have experience with this and can correct me, feel free.
2) Ethan is going to all-day Kindergarten in the fall. So, Samuel will be my only child at home for the majority of the day. I have been past the continually-overwhelmed-adjusting-to-having-three-kids-and-taking-care-of-a-baby-again stage for a while, and in the fall the easing up of the pressure will be even more noticeable. So, as usual, I need to find something to fill in the space and stretch myself. That is not entirely true, but the point is that for the first time since I've been home with the kids, I can actually envision being able to devote some energy to something other than caring for my own kids and household. Also, Heath knows that he will have to share the housework with me if I do this, or so he says - and I am holding him to it. It won't be an option not to help, I don't think, since we will have to keep the house up to a certain standard in order to do day care. So, each evening we'll have to get certain things up to spec so we can be ready for the next day, and I don't *think* he'll let me do it all while he watches TV or lies on the couch.
3) We really want to pay off our debt quickly. We looked at all the options for me bringing in some income, and seeing as I don't really want to leave Samuel with someone for more than a few hours a week, and I don't have any highly paying skills, and certainly not ones that I could make money with from home or in just a few hours a week... opening a home day care rose to the top as the clear choice. I do love and enjoy kids, and I have been spending the last six years gaining experience at caring for them. Plus, I have family members who do it and can save me from having to learn everything the hard way. Watching them both encourages me and challenges me, since they do such a good job at it. Heath and I both know going into it that it will be hard work, but we want to take it on, and we want to do it well.
4) If I find it is too challenging, I could always hire someone, probably a teenage girl, to come in and help me for a certain number of hours each week. This would slow down paying off the debt, but I would still make enough to justify doing it.

So, anyway, we are planning on starting this summer. Sometimes I think we should wait until the school year begins, so I don't have both my big boys home all day in the beginning, but then I think, I can just start with a few kids this summer if need be. I will be allowed to have up to five children other than Samuel who are not yet school age. I can also have up to four school age children, depending on how many of the other children are under 18 months. I have considered not taking any children younger than Samuel, but on the other hand I love, love, love little ones. It is my favorite stage. They need a lot of attention, but they sleep a lot, too. My two big boys will fill the school age slots, and possibly their neighbor friends will, too - I'm not sure how that will work out this summer. Right now the boys go back and forth between the two houses quite a bit, and of course we don't charge for any time that they are here. I don't want to fill the other two school age slots, partly because I just don't particularly want to, but also because I want our boys to be free to have their friends over to play. Feel free to weigh in on when you think I should start and what ages I should take.

Heath has created a wonderful website for me: www.jennyskids.com It's not totally finished, but most of the info is there. It introduces me, for those who don't know me, and it tells what our day care will be like. Like I said, we won't be starting until the end of this school year - I am still waiting for the state surveyor to come out and inspect our home to see that is complies with all the numerous regulations. But, if you know anyone who needs a good day care home in the southeast part of town, feel free to refer them to me and to my website!

potty break

So, twice now we have had late night potty visits by Jacob to the wrong bathroom. And by the wrong bathroom, I mean 1) our room, and 2) Samuel's room.

Just now I thought I heard Jacob's door open, so I went to check, and sure enough the door was open and Jacob had moved to Ethan's bed. (He was sort of lying next to Ethan cuddling him, but mostly splayed out on top of him.) I said, "Jacob, did you go pee? Jacob? Jacob? Did you go pee? Did you wet your bed?" I checked the bed, and no, thankfully it was dry. On my way to go check the hallway bathroom I notice that Samuel's light is on, and he's crying. I open the door, and there in the corner of the rocking chair in Samuel's room is a puddle.

Jacob obviously thought he was in the bathroom. He did this before in our bedroom - walked in to the spot where the toilet would be, if it was the bathroom, and casually let go and peed on our floor. Then he went back to bed, completely unresponsive to us the whole time.

Well, at least he isn't wetting the bed anymore.

personalities

Betsy posted on her blog today about the personality test she took recently, and how her result had changed from what it was in high school. I was shocked when I saw her post, because for the last two evenings, Heath and I have been discussing personality profiles, and I was planning on posting today some thoughts about it. That's easy for me to claim now, but it really is true. I didn't just steal her idea. :-)

Unlike Betsy, my personality profile hasn't changed. The description of the INFP from personalitypage.com describes me really well, with just a few things that are off because I am not purely "P"erceiving, and at times lean toward "J"udging. Here are some of the descriptions that I thought were particularly true of me: (I wanted to just copy the quotes from the article, but apparently that is illegal?)

INFP's are seeking meaning in life, purpose, truth, connections.

INFP's are idealists and perfectionists. They usually have very high standards and are hard on themselves. They may have trouble working with a group because others' standards aren't as high, or it is hard for them not to be in control. Their idealism and perfectionism can paralyze them if they don't learn to balance it with reality.

INFPs are intuitive. They especially use their intuition to guide them about people.

INFP's are generally thoughtful and considerate. They care deeply about people and are genuinely interested in them; they are good at listening and putting people at ease. However, they usually are not able to express their deep caring very well verbally and are awkward and uncomfortable when they try. Instead, they are often good writers and are able to define and express their feelings very well in written form.

INFPs hate conflict because of their focus on feelings. Conflict makes them feel terrible, and they can only focus on the fact that they don't want to feel terrible. Because conflict is so upsetting to INFPs, they are often illogical and irrational in conflict situations; they may have outbursts in which they throw out fact after fact which are not logically true. In contrast to this personal difficulty with conflict, INFPs are often able to help others work out their differences because of their intuitive understanding of other people's perspectives and feelings and their genuine care for others and desire to help them.

INFP's projects or interests can become a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented generally, they will cover every possible detail for the cause they are interested in and will become passionate about it.

You can see the entire description at personalitypage.com/INFP.html. The stuff about conflict seems especially true to me (and Heath agreed a little too enthusiastically). It's funny to see someone write a definition of a personality type that describes even the parts of my personality that I have always thought didn't go together. I really care a lot about people, so why can't I express it to them in person? And why can't I handle conflict calmly and gracefully with those same people I care so much about? I am such an idealist and perfectionist, in theory and in specific areas I become obsessed about, but overall I am not good at making sure everything gets done (does this fall under "not detail oriented"?). Well, apparently it's a whole group of people who are like me. Who knew?

P.S. - I would LOVE to hear what personality type you are and what about the description fits you the most. :-)

lost and found

You will not believe this.

Jacob just came home from school. He rode home with his friend Ethan H., like usual. Both boys came storming in the door, like usual, but today they had a special guest with them - our dog, Mason!

I was stunned. I didn't even realize Mason had gotten out. We'd been in and out of the house all day, enjoying the beautiful weather, and earlier he was playing in the backyard barking at the neighbor dogs. He must have found a hole in the fence, or maybe he slipped out the front door or garage door when I wasn't looking - he can push the front glass door open if it isn't completely latched.

But how in the world did he find the school, and on top of that, how did he find Jacob out of the 400 kids that were leaving the school? He's ridden with me to pick up Jacob a few times, but not recently, and you have to follow a maze of curving and intersecting streets to find the school. Nonetheless, Ethan H.'s Dad said Mason was sitting at Jacob's feet when he pulled up to pick up the boys. And thank goodness, he managed to find the school and Jacob without getting hit by any of the cars racing toward the school to pick up kids.

We are doubly lucky to have found him this way this time because I had just taken off his collar with his ID tag on it for a bath last night. We take it off very rarely because of one other time he got loose without it. We had to plaster the neighborhood with lost dog signs and wait seemingly forever for a call. If he gets out with his ID tag on, someone usually brings him by or calls us right away. I put his collar back on now, but the ID tag is missing! We will have to go get a replacement right away. He's too good of a dog to just lose.

I have been a horrible blogger over the last few months, ever since shortly before Christmas, really. It seems like ever since the Christmas season arrived, life hasn't slowed down.

Nevertheless, I have started several blog entries, but never finished editing them so they could be posted. Maybe I hadn't sufficiently processed those thoughts, or they didn't need to be shared right now (or possibly ever). At any rate, I have been processing thoughts during this time - just not able to verbalize a lot of it in a way that satisfies me yet.

Some news for those of you who don't see me every week or so: The boys are great. Jacob is still doing well in school and enjoying it. His reading still amazes me. One day it seemed to just come together for him, and then his reading vocabulary grew exponentially over the next few weeks and continues to steadily grow at a satisfying rate. It is wonderful to see him want to read, to stretch himself, to enjoy practicing, to seek out more, and especially, to bless those around him with his skills (I am thinking mainly of his two little brothers who love to be read to). He is tall and solid and strong - he has made a goal of conquering the playground equipment at his school, not just playing on it. One by one he conquered the various sets of monkey bars and rings, and now he and his friends dare each other and cheer each other on in completing various tricks on them, like hanging upside down. They have a scoring system for their acrobatic feats, and I had to suppress a laugh when Jacob announced that he had gotten to "Super Rainbow" level. Hah! Such tough boys, but still not aware of which things are supposedly feminine.

Ethan just turned five. I can hardly believe it! He is growing taller and looking more and more like a school-age boy instead of a preschooler. He plays pretend all day long, especially Spiderman, Star Wars, Transformers - any strong, fighting characters he hears about. He loves to be with his friends and his brothers, although he is still quite attached to me and wants to cuddle and have me play with his hair or rub his back anytime the opportunity arises. (Of course, Jacob still likes to cuddle, too, but only at certain times and much less overall than Ethan. Ethan has always been our more physically affectionate one, though.) He has gotten to the stage of asking questions, being more curious and wanting to know the answers. He didn't do this as early as Jacob, but I think it was because previously Jacob was asking all the questions for him. When he was younger, he probably didn't understand all the questions and answers, but as he grew he would have started to take it in, and it was probably enough information to satisfy his own curiosity vicariously. Now that Jacob is in school all day, and Ethan continues to grow in his understanding and perspective of the world around him, he has started to ask his own questions. I absolutely love it. That is one part of being a mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. He is also a physically strong and healthy little boy, like his brothers. He too likes to play outside and test his skills in our backyard and on the playground, but it is less of a focus in his life than it is in Jacob's.

Samuel continues to be an absolute delight. He is almost 21 months now. He is so soft and squishy and round - round cheeks, round belly, round bottom. He wants to do and have everything his big brothers do and have. He gets as excited to see them as he does to see us. He tries to wrestle with them just as rough and long as they can handle and will even initiate the wrestling himself (which can be a problem if his targets aren't ready to be wrestled). He doesn't say much intelligible yet, but the third time around I'm not freaking out - our other boys didn't speak much at this age either. He loves me with abandon, but perhaps I only notice his intensity because it is contrasted by my bigger boys gradually being more independent and not as transparent with their devotion. I am just as enamored with him as he is with me, of course - as I have been with each of my boys.

As for my life of late, I would say overall things have been going fairly well. I have had struggles, as always seems to be the case - difficulty with the boys (although you wouldn't know it from my glowing descriptions above :-) ), difficulty thriving in my role/position, difficulty processing and understanding the questions that come to my mind and heart sometimes, and difficulty dealing with my own weaknesses and limitations. Like I said above, I've been processing these things. Sometimes the process seems too slow to bear; other times I can see growth, and I am encouraged. Maybe I can write more about that later. For now, I think I will leave this entry as mostly an update on the boys, so that I can ensure it actually gets posted. Oh, and here are some pictures from Ethan's fifth birthday party, in case you haven't seen them on my Facebook page yet:

I've been meaning to post this for a while...

Two four-year-old little boys giving fake smiles for a picture...

Can you believe how much they look alike?!? The ears and the hair are different, and though you can't see it in this picture, their bodies are built differently as well. But I think we can predict with some pretty good accuracy what Ethan's face will look like in 26 years. :-)

Here are two more related pictures: The original picture from which I cropped Heath's little boy face, and one from this Christmas of Ethan with Grandma Brenda. I enjoy seeing the similarities across the generations.

I forgive

I was just talking on the phone with a friend about forgiveness. She and I were discussing the powerful, life-changing material that forgiveness is - the fact that it is the primary thing that identifies us as the people of God. We forgive because we've been forgiven. And she and I have had much of this material in our lives, some in the form of forgiveness received and some in the form of forgiveness given.

Before this conversation, I was speaking with another group of friends. It has been a good day for discussions with friends for me. Within this group, we were discussing hurts that occur in the Church. The irony is, despite me sharing my particular version of the Church hurting me, I didn't realize at the time how hypocritical it was - that I still do not have grace for the person who hurt me there - despite the fact that he is human, just like me; despite the fact that his offense, his insult to me was so much less than those I've received from others who I have forgiven and forgotten.

So here it is: I forgive you. I forgive you for saying I was an aggressive, hot-tempered person, or something to that effect, anyway. I forgive you for denying my husband a job because of something I had said. I forgive you for choosing not to include my family, for ignoring, not noticing us and setting us aside. I forgive you for judging us to be something that I firmly believe we are not. I let you go - I release you. It's okay - You're human just like me. Sometimes you misjudge. Sometimes you slip up; sometimes you overlook; sometimes perhaps you are even exclusive and self-protective.

Why can't we truly forgive each other, even seventy times seven; even when we know it to be the most powerful, life-giving, and transformative thing available to us? Why couldn't I truly forgive for so long? How did I deceive myself into thinking I already had, when my heart hadn't really let go?

This is who we are: We are not the pattern of the world - driven by self-preservation, self-focus, pride, the lust of the flesh. We are transformed - empowered by selfless love - loving even our enemies, forgiving each other, bearing each other's burdens, taking care of each other even when it hurts. (Romans 12:2)

It is hard not to be disheartened when I see unresolved conflict and hurt feelings between believers. But even when I don't see the community of forgiveness and selfless love that I believe God desires us to be, I will keep believing for it. Because now I realize: Sometimes God's solution is not the obvious one. Sometimes the change of heart, the realizations, the actions and words that need to happen come slowly, more slowly than we think we can stand. But I will try to wait patiently for God to work out the hurts we believers inflict on each other, remembering that often he is working in scarred hearts like mine.

Captain Destructo strikes again

Heath started calling Samuel Mr. Destructo a few weeks ago, a very apt nickname considering the shenanigans he pulls off, such as pulling everything out of drawers and off shelves and dumping an entire box of spagetti on the kitchen floor - quick as lightening, before I can do anything to stop him. Then, last week we sent some funny pictures to our families, one of which was this (with a smudge for privacy):

My brother, Jeff, wrote back that Samuel looks like a superhero with his goggles on, and we told Jeff that he is a superhero - Mr. Destructo. Jeff suggested it should be Captain Destructo instead, and we all decided that the goggles alone are a fitting costume for him, since it allows him to cap off his adventures by leaving a puddle for me to clean up. (He had the goggles on from the bathtub, to keep water out of his eyes when we washed his hair. He climbed out of the bathtub by himself and took off running around the house to air dry - didn't want a towel and certainly didn't want the goggles taken off. )

Well, today Captain Destructo has been in fine form. I should have known I was in for it earlier this morning when I caught him with the safety scissors that had been on the table, opening and closing them over and over really quickly. I confiscated them and the other pair from the table and put them up high. Then, I had to go help Ethan in the bathroom. He took this opportunity to climb onto the dining room table and sweep everything off it, including a stack of school papers, a chess board and all the pieces, Chutes and Ladders, flash cards, crayons and construction paper, and some instructions and parts leftover from installing a new ceiling fan this weekend. Before I could get that cleaned up, I caught him tearing open the flash cards box and taking them out, so I put those up. Next, he brought me an Animal Baby magazine with the cover newly torn off . He went straight from there to the kitchen, where he picked a couple of items out of the trash under the sink. After I removed him from there and put the items back in the trash, he started putting crayons down the heating vent. After I dug those out and took the crayons away, he asked for a bite of the apple I was eating. I handed it to him, and he threw it back at me without taking a bite, where it landed on the laptop keyboard. At this point, I decided I should take him downstairs where there are more toys and less things to damage. We all headed in the direction of the stairs, and I thought Samuel was following like usual. Instead, I discovered he had stopped at the top of the stairs to throw some shoes down the stairs from the living room. I went and retrieved him and carried him downstairs. Now he's playing with some actual toys, so hopefully his reign of chaos is over for the moment.

It's funny, he will play alone for a long time sometimes, longer than I remember either of my first two playing alone. But when he is not engrossed in toys, he can cause a lot of destruction in a short amount of time! Good thing he's so cute to make up for it.

As a bonus, here are a couple of pictures of Jacob and Ethan, also from the set we sent to family last week. Jacob has really taken off with his reading, and Ethan loves to sit really close and listen to whatever new book Jacob is attempting to master. He even fell asleep on Jacob one evening when we were reading before bed.

new...

You may have noticed in my blog roll, my friend Kent's latest post: "Epic's website is up." He is referring to Epic Church, the new church he and his wife Jenni are starting in Andover. I just wanted to say how proud we are of them for what they are stepping out in faith to do and for the sacrifices they have made to get to this point. Go check out the website to read more about their vision for Epic Church. I think it's going to be a good thing.

(That sounds like a flippant way to talk about the Church and God's Work, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

sales pressure woes

I really dislike interacting with sales people.  It's funny, because my dad was a salesman, but I don't think he was the kind of salesman I'm talking about.  I remember in high school, when I would go shopping at the "cool stores" in the mall, and when the salesperson approached I always tried to act as disinterested as possible and tell them I was just browsing.  I would get so annoyed at my mom during these trips because she would often have the audacity to actually speak with the salesperson and tell them what we were shopping for!  That, and I was a teenager, so I was frequently annoyed with my mom.  But my point is, I have long avoided interaction with salespeople, so much do I dislike the anxiety it creates in me.  As you might imagine, trying to shop for souvenirs in third world countries was a nightmare for me.

Well, we're in the midst of this furnace shopping ordeal.  Not quite third world bartering, but I was surprised by the amount of sales tactics I had to endure today.  It just leaves me feeling... BAD inside.  Yet I know the salesman is just trying to do his job and is probably doing a really good job at it, actually.  I'm sure his pitch allows a lot of customers to feel really good about spending a lot of money on his product, and he probably brings in really good revenues for his company.  I, on the other hand, would rather buy the furnace on the internet in order to save $600, and then find someone qualified to install it for me.  You think I'm joking, but I'm actually not.  

I had the sheer stupidity to ask this salesperson (who I initially mistook for a furnace technician, or I might not have asked the question) how much it would cost just for installation if we purchased our own product.  (Sigh.)  I could immediately tell he did NOT like the idea and thought it was an utterly ridiculous suggestion.  When he asked if I had the equipment there for him to see, and I told him we hadn't decided whether to order 80% or 95% efficiency yet, and that part of that depended on estimates we got for installation, he seized on what he perceived as my ineptitude, and proceeded to tell me how there was a LOT more to it than just efficiency and how a regular person couldn't possibly know how to choose a furnace for themselves because there are a lot of factors to consider etc. etc.  He stopped long enough to ask how I was planning on choosing a furnace.  I told him we'd gotten an estimate from another company first, and we were basing our size on what they recommended, plus on internet research I'd done to corroborate their recommendation.  He went into his speech again about how furnaces aren't sized like they used to be, there are a lot more factors to consider, and how he is an expert at this and very good at what he does and he would be able to tell us the proper size and to make sure that nothing was off with any little part of it that could make the whole system not work as well.

See, what I do when people talk to me like this is I kind of freeze and open my eyes wide and nod attentively, and say, "oh!" and "uh-huh."  I don't like to argue, so I don't tell him that I've spent the last couple of weeks perusing the HVAC forums online and reading articles, and that I know about the Manual J calcs and all the info that needs to go into them, i.e. insulation amounts, window sizes, roof material, siding material, as well as square feet. How I am perfectly aware the other company we got the quote from did not do a Manual J calc and instead based their recommendation on our square footage, as many HVAC contractors still do in order to save time, despite the industry agreeing the Manual J calc is the best way to size a system.  I don't tell him that I know there is a lot more to choosing a furnace than simply choosing 80% or 90% efficiency, that I know we also have to choose the number of BTUs for the furnace and number of tons for the AC and whether to choose R22 or R410A refrigerant, and that I have already researched what the proper size is likely to be for our home online.  Instead, I stand there and nod, probably giving the appearance that I am eagerly listening and amazed at what I'm being told.

After he finishes his spiel, he asks me what I want to do.  I think, "Huh?  I thought I already told you?"  But I try to play along.  "Well...  Let's do this.  I'd like to get a quote for what it would cost to install a system if we did purchase the equipment from your company."  He's at my house already, and I figure it will be helpful to see a comparison to the other quote we had gotten.  Maybe his would be lower or he would convince me for some other reason to go with his company and not order the equipment online.  I am giving him a fair chance.  Besides, I am truly interested in what the Manual J calc will turn out, if it will match the square footage estimate or not.  I was too cheap to buy the $49 homeowners version to perform the calculation myself.

Right after I agreed to this, Heath walked in the door.  Thank God!  I had been thinking the whole time the man was speaking to me, "Heath, I told you I didn't want to tell the guy we wanted to buy the system online, but you told me he wouldn't be offended, that it's just business.  Don't ever make me do this again!"  I called Heath downstairs, and  begged off that I had to finish cooking lunch.  I could hear the man giving his spiel to Heath now.

Heath came upstairs after a little while and asked in a hushed voice, "How much did you say the system online cost?"  I told him.  "He said it would be ....!"  And named an amount 2.5 times larger than ordering online and hiring the first company we'd contacted to do installation only. We sat and ate our lunch in uneasy silence until the salesman came up to ask us some more questions.  He went outside to do some more calculations, and I told Heath he could not leave again until the salesman was gone.  Finally, he came back in and sat down with us to explain what product he was going to recommend, although he did not have the estimate ready yet because he still had to put all the numbers into the Manual J calc program and see which size we would need.  We would need to set up another meeting to discuss the actual estimate. He reiterated how important it was to have experts do the job and do it right, and how he was an expert and would make sure the job was done right, and how it was highly unlikely the quote would be any less than such-and-such amount.  He said that if someone else gave us a quote as low as the amount Heath had mentioned that we should turn and run from them because they were going to do a poor job.

I knew we were in trouble when at the end of the presentation he complimented us on how he could tell we were really taking in everything he said and wanted to understand it (I'm telling you, it's the big doe eyes and the constant nodding and uh-huh-ing).  How it wasn't our fault we didn't know these things (um, we actually did), and that if people would just take the time to explain it... (making a jab at the competitor).  He also said, "Sounds good?" at the end of his presentation, like he was fairly sure we'd bought everything he'd said and were convinced.  I finally gave my only indication of hesitation, saying "Well, we'll have to consider... " and trailing off impotently.  Heath said something that sounded more confident but just as vague.

(Sigh again.)  

We set up another meeting time to get the actual estimate.  I told Heath that I'm trying to give the guy a fair chance still, and I will consider his product and the reasons he gave us for going with their (way) more expensive quote.

Plus, I want to see that Manual J calc before I order our system online, anyway. 

please vote in my poll

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this choice and what makes the most sense. Maybe some of you can offer perspective. Please vote in the poll on the right, and comment on this post if you have anything else to say about it. Thank you!

friends

Does anyone remember when I said in a post a while back how I was concerned that Ethan was missing something by not going to preschool? How I was concerned that he wasn't getting appropriate stimulation, that he seemed bored and restless at home with me all day, and wanted to just play video games and watch TV?

Well, Jacob's friendship with the neighbor boy, who we call Ethan H. in order to distinguish from our Ethan (yes, it is confusing), has been a double blessing in that Ethan H. has a little brother, Aiden, who is 4, just like our Ethan. At first, our Ethan would only go over to their house with Jacob after school and seemed to be more interested in what the big boys were doing (i.e. cool video games) than what Aiden was playing. But gradually Ethan and Aiden have developed their own friendship, and now Ethan wants to have Aiden come over during the day. It has worked out splendidly. I feel like it's mini-preschool for him, a chance to socialize and learn to get along with others his own age, minus circle time. He is no longer nagging me or sitting in front of a screen; he is outside hunting monsters or rediscovering his toys in the playroom through the fresh eyes of his friend. It is a really a huge blessing. I feel like God has met our need in a way that I could not have anticipated and in a way that I am actually more pleased with than I would have been with taking him to preschool, I think.

Here are a couple of pictures of them being silly today. Notice the weapons they carry, which are vital to backyard adventures, where droids or monsters may need to be killed at any second.

night terrors

One of the challenges we have had to face as parents of Jacob is enduring his night terrors and loving him through them.

He hadn't had one for quite a while - months, I'd say, or has it even been a year? - until this week. If you aren't familiar with night terrors, let me explain. A night terror is not a bad dream. There is no waking up and discussing the dream and being comforted. In fact, the person experiencing it doesn't even remember it the next morning and is usually impossible to awaken. Rather, it is more related to sleep walking and other sleep disorders than it is to nightmares. It begins with the child waking up screaming. You go in to comfort the child but are completely unable to comfort him, and in fact, your touches may provoke more screaming and writhing. So, realizing it is a night terror, you wait it out, watching over the child to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. After a while, he calms down, usually abruptly. He is peacefully back asleep, while your nerves are rattled and shaken.

It seems that Jacob's night terrors are often triggered by his allergies and asthma. It seems that if he doesn't have full capacity to breathe, when he slips into a deep sleep he awakens screaming. For a while, when he would frequently awaken screaming, we knew it meant one of two things - he needed to pee and was painfully holding it but unable to wake up enough to get to the bathroom, or he needed his inhaler. If he was very tired, his brain wouldn't even attempt to wake him up to get to the bathroom, but he would wake up with breathing trouble no matter what, and more often than not, he was in the night terror state. In other words, it was no use trying to talk to him. So, we have given many inhaler and breathing treatments through screams. We always figured, at least he was sucking in big breaths of the medicine.

So last night, close to 11 pm, Jacob abruptly jumped down from his bed and stumbled out to the couch and curled up into a ball. He would not respond to me at all, but he wasn't screaming either. I was getting ready to go to bed, and Heath was already in bed, so I went to get Heath to carry Jacob back to bed, thinking maybe he was just making a sleepy attempt to escape his bed. I stayed in our bedroom, but shortly heard screaming, and came out to find Jacob partially in Heath's arms, both sitting on the floor, and Jacob screaming blood-curdling screams and kicking and writhing. We made the normal attempts to communicate with him, and then sat back to wait it out together, talking in soothing voices and keeping him from kicking hard objects. Eventually I suggested that we try putting him in the bed between us, so that maybe he would know he was safe and calm down. Thankfully, it worked. Or maybe it was just time for the night terror to be over. Near the end, when he was still screaming, I was trying to stroke his hair or arm, and Heath reminded me that it doesn't help, it seems to just irritate him more. Finally, he abruptly stopped screaming. He reached up and tucked his right ear in, like he used to while sucking his binky. Heath and I looked at each other and nodded; it was over for now. In seconds he was conked out in a deep peaceful sleep. I laid next to him and let my arm rest next to his raised arm, next to his chest so I could feel his deep, steady breaths, and we let him stay in our bed for a little while.

I am always struck by how our children being in danger brings out a deep, almost primal love from within us. I know the night terrors are harmless, but seeing his face frozen in an expression of terror with mouth wide open screaming still triggers that response in me. The feelings and the situation itself seem to underscore the nature of my relationship with my firstborn. Tumult cushioned by fierce dedication. Perplexity moderated by deep attachment and delight in exactly who he is.

There has been more drama and emotion in my relationship with him than with my other children, and sometimes I say it's because he is more like me, but I don't really know that that's the case. He wants to be near someone all the time; I need time alone. He still throws violent, unpredictable, lengthy tantrums; I indulged only in milder tantrums typical for young children and outgrew them at a typical age. He has resisted almost every direction I've ever given him; I am very uncomfortable breaking the rules. But still, even when he resists me and pushes my buttons, even when I am most perplexed at his insistent struggle to have complete control over every detail of his own life, his emotions resonate with me. I think maybe it is a suspicion that the only difference between him and I is that I am quietly angry and quietly rebellious and quietly struggling to control every detail of my life, while he is dramatically so. (Yet aren't we all quietly struggling with things like this to some degree?) So, hopefully, as I discover ways to confront my quiet anger and rebellion and desire for control, I can help him deal with his. In the meanwhile, I will fiercely love and protect him.

Destine and Matt C. were in town this weekend for a wedding, and we had the privilege of hosting them at our house.  One of the neat things about it was watching their 14-month old, Eowyn, and our 16-month old, Samuel, play side by side.  I had Heath take this picture of them standing together so you could see what a giant Samuel appeared to be next to her.  She is pretty sweet. 

It was so nice to see them again and to catch up a little.  I always feel like we pick up right where we left off -  like time has passed and things have happened, but we're still just as at ease with one another and still enjoy each other's company just as much.  It makes me sad when they leave because I'm reminded how much we miss them and would enjoy seeing them more often. Yet, we're glad they have the good life they have where they are, and we are fortunate to be able to stay in touch through email, facebook, and phone.

I am supposed to leave some of the pictures for Heath to post on his blog, so you can go there to see the picture of their whole family together and some more of Wednesday, Eowyn and Samuel playing.

[Edit - for those of you who don't already know Destine and Matt... Destine was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and Matt was one of Heath's roommate the same year.  Destine and Matt started dating first, and got married the summer after Sophomore year; Heath and I started dating maybe 6 months after them and got married summer after Junior year.  They live in CO now where Destine is a nurse and Matt is a stay-at-home Dad while continuing to pursue music and art on the side.  Their daughter Wednesday is 10 now and in 5th grade, and daughter Eowyn is 14 months.]

I...

Betsy tagged me, so I will give this a shot.

I am - a Christian, a wife, a mother.

I want - to lose weight.

I have - three wonderful little boys.

I wish - sometimes, that life was easier.

I hate - cruelty and deception.

I fear - losing a child or my husband.

I hear - little boy make-believe noises for cars racing, planes flying, and heroes fighting.

I search - for answers to my questions and for little boy socks and shoes every morning.

I wonder - how the future will turn out.

I always - kiss my children goodnight and kiss my husband goodbye.

I usually - stay up too late.

I am not - picky.

I dance - less often as I used to, usually only with my children.

I sing - several times a day, often while changing diapers (to get a wiggly boy to lie still).

I never - run for exercise.

I rarely - bake.

I cry - when I feel desperately sad and rarely otherwise.

I am not always - confident.

I lose - my patience with whining, nagging, and stalling.

I'm confused - about some aspects of my faith lately.

I need - to avoid illness as much as possible this winter.

I should -  repaint the walls in almost every upstairs room of our house.

I dream - that someday we will be free of debt.

I TAG - Calana, Melanie, Kim, Kelsey

In the spirit of honesty and openness...  

I am feeling confused, maybe even disillusioned, lately about my role or position.  Does it even matter that I am home with my kids?    

When I first started staying home, it was so very important to me. Important enough to justify major financial consequences.  I think I had a pretty good idea at that time of the reasons it was important to me, to our family.  It seems that as more years have passed, more of that sense of purpose and importance of what I am doing has faded - especially during the times when I haven't felt like I was doing a very good job.

I have to admit, sending Jacob to school precipitated some of these feelings.  As long as we were convinced home schooling was the best thing, the thing we wanted and needed to do despite the sacrifices, then there was a clear purpose and important reason for me to be home for each of the children.  Once we decided to send him to school, and subsequently saw how good it seemed to be for him, I had to rethink my reasons for being home.  If our kids are all on track to start public school at age 5, then it begins to change my perspective on my role.

Ethan, too, could be in preschool for 3 hours a day this year (and I wish he was, but that's another story).  I have no doubt he would be fine with that; in fact, he would probably love it.  It seems that he needs my involvement on a daily, minute-by-minute basis less each year.  ("Of course," the rest of you are saying, but I am slow to realize these things sometimes.)  So I already see my role changing in his life, too, and I have struggled to know what place I am supposed to have and how or why my every day, all day involvement is still important.  I provide toys and games and art supplies and books, but he seems to want to watch TV or play video games most of the time lately (of course, part of the reason for this is him being sick often during the last several weeks and needing to lie around).  I feel like I allow him too much screen time, but I'm not sure of how else to direct him.  After shutting off the TV, I am faced with a whining, complaining, nagging little boy.  So that definitely puts me in a position of being "involved" in his daily life, but not in a way that makes me feel more effective or purposeful.  So far, I have felt pretty defeated and burned out by his whining and nagging.  Even though I do my best to never give in, I don't feel like we have made much progress in breaking these bad habits.  If we ever do get past the whining and nagging, I'm not sure what my role would be with him right now.  I want to encourage him to play independently, while still being involved on whatever level is helpful or appropriate, but I'm not sure what that looks like at this stage in his development.  I also worry that he is not getting the stimulation he needs at this age because of not being in preschool (but like I said, we can't do much about that right now).  So, all this tends to make me feel ineffective and lacking direction in my role as at-home Mommy to Ethan.  

Being home with Samuel has more of a clear purpose for me.  He obviously needs my constant supervision and lots of interaction.  I know I am doing the right things for him, providing experiences and things to explore, talking to him and reading to him and encouraging him.  Being home with him ensures he and I stay closely bonded, it allows me to control his sleep schedule more closely and ensure he is getting the rest he needs, it allows me to monitor what he's been eating and yes, even his pooping and peeing, as well as noticing any illnesses he may come down with right away and monitoring those closely.  (Boy, does that make me sound like a control freak, or what?)  But more than all those things, I just love watching my kids grow and develop at this age.  It is so amazing to be a part of their growth when they are so quickly mastering their environment and their own bodies.  So, you can see, I can justify my need and desire to be home with him much more easily than I could if I was only home for Ethan and Jacob.

Maybe that should be enough, being sure that I need to be home for Samuel. But it's not enough for me.  Feeling ineffective with Ethan and adjusting to not being needed by Jacob from 8:00 am - 3:20 pm each day are enough to cause me to feel confused and unsure about my role.

I'm finding being clear about my purpose is important for my own mental health, too.  I have struggled with depression off and on for years, as I have previously discussed on this blog.  I struggle more with it when I don't feel effective in my role here at home.  And then I get caught in a vicious cycle in which feeling depressed about it actually makes me less effective which makes me more depressed which makes me even less effective, and on and on.  It's a classic problem with depression - you feel too frozen to get up and do the very things that would help you not to feel depressed and frozen. Ug. 

I'm not sure how to regain that sense of purpose and effectiveness in my days.  Since I feel comfortable in my role with Samuel, it would seem I need to focus on making sure I am doing the right things with or for Ethan during his time at home with me.  Perhaps that would restore my confidence and sense of purpose.