I hated it before I loved it

I have this bad habit of hating music before I decide I love it. Well, not necessarily hating, but at least not seeing the appeal. Like the first week or two Heath had the new Mumford and Sons album, and I kept remarking on his new "country" music album. He finally got irritated enough that he demanded I never call it that again, but it wasn't until I listened to it on my own on a long drive that I realized I LOVED it. The same things happened earlier this year with Future of Forestry, and before that the Avett Brothers and before that the new Radiohead album. I suppose I should just realize by now that whatever new music he introduces me to that I intially shy away from will eventually become my favorite. Especially if he and DanM find it together; I'm almost guaranteed to eventually love it (Gomez and Young the Giant, to name a couple).

I don't know why I continue to be surprised throughout my life by music's ability to reach through our clouded thoughts and emotions and speak some truth to us, or to express what our heart is feeling that we weren't able to nail down until we heard it to music. But Thank God is does.

possible symptoms, or normal experience?

I gave a couple of examples in my last post of experiences or traits I have had that could possibly represent ADHD symptoms. There have been quite a few markers from various checklists or articles that I identify with in addition to the ones I already mentioned. The question for me, always, is whether I have difficulty with these issues on a level that would justify a clinical diagnosis. I just keep thinking, "These things seem to be hard for everyone I know!" But maybe they really aren't.

So here are some of them. Maybe you can judge by looking at your own experiences whether my experiences are normal, or really something more.

me and ADHD

Hey! It hasn't been a whole year since I last wrote! Whaddaya know!

So, since it is a fairly small circle of people who still check my blog for updates, I'm going to assume most of you who are reading know that I now have not just one, but two sons who have been diagnosed with ADHD. The thing about this situation which has me thinking and perhaps even obsessing, lately, is that if two siblings have ADHD, it is likely (maybe 60% or more likely; the sources I found didn't all agree on an exact number) that at least one of their parents has it. When we first had Ethan evaluated, and they asked who else in the family had it, we were just like...??? [insert blank expressions here] We tried thinking through all of our close relatives and what we knew of them, and we couldn't think of anyone who had experienced similar problems as Ethan in school. Yet, it was likely one of Ethan's near relatives had ADHD if he had it.

Then, we had Samuel evaluated, and it hit home for us that ADHD does NOT always look the same from person to person.

good & beautiful God thoughts (from retreat)

So apparently, I am doing a once a year post now...

My dear friend Betsy recently commented on how she missed having me as part of the blogging world. This made me stop to consider why I haven't reentered it, even now that my quality of life is significantly better than it was a year or two ago, and when I am now at home with more time on my hands to write. I decided that somewhere along the way, I felt like I'd lost my blogging voice. However, as I was thinking through and discussing with Heath a speaking assignment from our pastor, Paul, I felt like I actually had some things to say again -- like maybe I was gaining back the voice that I once had. Maybe I'll manage to post more than once a year after this. At any rate, I decided to start by posting the text of notes I created for Heath and my turn at speaking at the church retreat. Since I barely followed this text at all when I spoke, I'll link to it on Wheatland's Facebook page in case anyone is interested in seeing what I'd actually meant to say. :-) Here it is:

the latest big life decision

So, I haven't written a blog post in, like, forever. Much has happened, and there have been things I've considered blogging about, but for one reason or another I haven't. Part of the reason for my lack of blogging is probably the psychological pressure I felt to explain or analyze my latest Big Life Decision... quitting my full-time job as a legal assistant. And I guess I just wasn't quite ready to dissect it. I'm not sure I totally am now, but I'm closer than I was four months ago, anyway.

slow change

Faith has slowly been seeping back into me. I felt like God and I made up, sort of, if you can even speak of such a thing, a week and a half ago. But I had to do some screaming at him, first. Since then, the gradual soaking back in has been happening. Slowly allowing myself to feel things again the way I used to...

"best of"

I've created a new "the best of" sidebar to make up for the gloomy tone of my blog lately. So, if you'd like to read a better post than my current fodder, feel free to pick one of those. :-)

(Heath starts reading the old entries and says "Huh, it's weird to read posts from you where you sound lighthearted about things." Wah-wah.)

10/18

(this entry is from Oct. 18, but I never came back to do a final edit & post! thought I should post it before I wrote again this morning, though)

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I find that as things settle down more and more -- as I start to feel the comfort of routine again, driving to and from home/daycare/work practically on autopilot, now (Heath says my driving is scarier since I've become a commuter), doing most of my work in a routine, relaxed way as I become more confident of my mastery of it -- that perhaps my heart is thawing a bit. I still have had moments, or days, when it seems that life is excruciatingly difficult and punishing, only worth bearing for the sake of those I care about. But the overall tenor of my stream of thoughts has drifted toward a more positive perspective. Some pieces of my former reality have begun to creep back into my consciousness, and I find myself not so harshly rejecting them as before, not pushing them quite so deeply away from consideration.

a concession

I have to admit, despite hashing out my negative feelings about life in general on here earlier, it wasn't a completely horrible weekend.

my drug of choice

I have recently developed an addiction to the Twilight saga as a means to cope with the horrible monotony and pain inherent in the daily exercise of being a grown-up. Something about Stephanie Meyer’s magical writing allows me to completely relax and to enjoy a fantasy world that is completely unrealistic. But it is such a relief from reality that I have a hard time pulling myself away from it to do anything else with my free time, which pisses my husband off and leads to arguments that then make life even more painful. Isn’t that lovely?

I think I become obsessive about certain things as a way to cope with especially stressful times...

bitter candy

These last few weeks (or has it been months, or years?) have been like a pressure cooker of stress for Heath and I. I feel like the substance of my soul has been broken down and reshaped by the process, like sugar being liquified and reshaped into candy, except the result is bitter instead of sweet. I’m just now assessing the changes this period of trials has wrought in me -- making note of how the forces have pushed and pulled to change the shape of my soul.

hired

I got the job I interviewed for!

I was stunned when they called me today. I didn't think I'd done great on my third interview, and when I didn't hear anything on Friday, I figured they'd gone with someone else.

searching...

Our struggle to come up with a day care situation that we feel comfortable with has been enlightening. I don't think there are a lot of good options in my area. Or I am having trouble finding them, anyway!

third interview

I think my face-to-face interview went pretty well yesterday, though not flawless by any means. It was with the same person who phone interviewed me, who is an executive assistant, and with the legal supervisor. So, I got called back for a third interview today. These people are thorough!

phone interview

This morning, I did a phone interview, and I go back tomorrow morning for a face-to-face interview. AHHHH!!! (running to hide)