Today has, so far, been a day when I want to "pull my hair out." I can't help it, I always think of my Mom's expression for it when I feel this way. I try saying it in a way that doesn't convey that I'm angry or that I want to give up - because I'm not. But it is just a state of tension brought on by trying to maintain normalcy and calm amidst an unusual level of demands.

I know they are just 3 years old and just 5 years old; I have to remember what is normal for their ages. Heath and I were talking this weekend about how we should just "embrace the chaos." We wanted a big family, and this is what it sounds and looks like. And I don't think we even qualify as "big" yet! If we do have more children eventually (according to our desire to have a big family), then it will just get noisier and busier. We need to focus on all the lovely parts, all the things that made us want to do this, and not the things that sometimes drive us crazy - like not being able to have an adult conversation whenever we want. I really have had such a sense of peace and joy over the last week or so. It has been a blessing, because I know there are weeks when I don't feel that. That is not to say that I haven't gotten frustrated and felt overwhelmed often over the last week. It's just that I have been able to periodically return to this place of comfort, peace and joy.

As the kids have gotten older and I have begun to expect more of them, I have to continually remind myself not to relate to them with a constant tone of frustration or irritation. I don't want to convey to them that they are just nuisances that we tolerate; that we don't really like them. It is hard not to do this when they act in totally illogical, exasperating ways. It is hard to administer discipline when it's needed without letting it change our emotional posture toward our children. But it is important, because I want them to know that we think they are great and that we love spending time with them. We tell them that, but I think more is conveyed in our overall tone with them than the words we may say once or twice a day.

Furthermore, I hate hearing myself using that tone and having that attitude, because it's not who I want to be. I want our children to see in our lives character that has been transformed by God's Spirit into something beautiful - more beautiful than the character they will see in non-Christians they have relationships with later on. I don't want them to end up thinking that their non-Christian friends have more peace, patience, understanding, gentleness, kindness, loyalty, self-control or joy than their parents did. Hopefully they will realize eventually that relationships within the family possess an intensity that their friendships rarely will, and therefore bring out weaknesses in the members that may never be brought out in the context of a friendship. Nevertheless, I want them to see that it is "good and pleasant for brothers and sisters to dwell together in unity" - For them to continue to want to be a part of a Christian community even when they have left our household, because they saw in our family as well as in the church family the kind of living and relationships Christ wanted in His followers.