10 years of life together

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that Heath and I will have been married for ten years on Friday. I was trying to conceptualize ten years, thinking back over each year and trying to remember it and get a feel for how our relationship has survived and grown over the years and how we have each grown and changed personally...

Year One (1998-99): We came back from our honeymoon in Florida to our first apartment in Manhattan. This was a golden year - we had so much fun setting up our apartment, "playing house." I only took six hours that first semester and worked one or two shifts a week at Gold Fork, so I had lots of time to play house and keep Heath distracted from studying for his 19 hours of classes. (Heath mostly remembers me sleeping in during his morning classes, but I remember lots of cooking and organizing the apartment, too.) It was a difficult semester academically for Heath, with all the distraction, and I think he ended up retaking two of the classes. I started gaining weight and was constantly wondering if I was pregnant (wouldn't that have been a good excuse?). I'm sure having someone to cook for and to eat out with was more to blame. We absolutely loved our little two-bedroom apartment on the west side of town, with its fireplace and wood deck and our very own washer and dryer and dishwasher - quite luxurious for us! My 1991 Ford Tempo which had served me well for the previous five years started having electrical problems, so we parked on a hill and push started it for a good portion of the year, until we realized we could start it with a screwdriver instead. As summer approached and we realized we didn't have student aid to live on anymore and Heath didn't have a job in Manhattan, we decided to go back to GC for the summer and sublet our apartment to someone we knew from MCC. We stayed at Heath's parents house while he worked as an assistant manager at the Fun Center, and I was supposed to be working there as well, but I was only scheduled for 10 or 20 hours a week. Frustrating. I guess we still probably made more money than if only I had been working over the summer at Gold Fork, EXCEPT for the fact that our subleter paid almost none of her rent or electric bills for the summer, so we got stuck with those as well. Hello, credit cards. Goodbye, consumer-debt-free first year of marriage.

Year Two (1999-2000): We came back to Manhattan from GC kind of disheartened by the summer, having not gotten paid from our subleter and having dished out money for the still mysterious recurring electrical problem on our car. We moved into a much smaller (though also much closer to campus) basement apartment with none of the amenities of our last apartment. I was a fifth year senior, and even though the financial aid officer had told me when I started at MCC on a five year program with a four year Presidential Scholarship that the fifth year students were usually awarded a general scholarship equal to what they had been getting the previous years (assuming you were still keeping your GPA up), Heath and I both got a big fat ZERO (okay, maybe it was some pittance amount, I don't remember - I just remember it sure felt like zero compared to what we had been receiving) from the MCC General Scholarship fund. Instead, MCC built a giant decorative stone thingy on campus to showcase the 10 Commandments that had been taken down from the Manhattan Courthouse and focused all their fund-raising efforts on paying for that. So there was very little in the general scholarship fund that year. We felt like they had roped us in, since we only had one year left now and obviously we weren't going to start all over somewhere else, and then basically given us the finger because they knew we had to finish with no scholarships now. Not only that, they had raised tuition drastically the final two years we were there, from about $2500 a semester when I started to I think close to $3200 or $3500 a semester (not sure, maybe more) when I finished. I may seem to go on and on about this, but it REALLY characterized our year. We were training to be missionaries, for goodness sakes. How exactly were we supposed to do that when we graduated with beaucoup debt? I decided to drop my KSU degree and finish my MCC classes in the fall, and I started working full-time second semester. We still weren't making it financially though, and Heath started looking for a job, too. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he'd gotten laid off his work study job at the beginning of fall semester too. MCC was really making good alumni members out of us.)

As spring semester drew to a close we moved back to GC to be surrounded by Christians who actually acted like Jesus (sorry, I know that's harsh, but if you'd been there...) and so Heath could have a job, since the job market in Manhattan is pretty brutal. Heath finished his classes by correspondence while he started his new job, and I substituted in the GC schools for the last few weeks of classes before summer. We lived with his parents for a while because we were leaving for our missions internship at the end of May, a requirement for me to finish my degree and something we were excited about, too. During those few weeks before we left, we felt like we started to heal from the hurt that we'd experienced all year.

Year Three (2000-2001): We returned from our missions internship and celebrated our anniversary in St. Louis on the way home from our missions agency in Indianapolis. After two months without American food and entertainment, everything seemed ten times as enjoyable and luxurious as it normally would have seemed. Heath went back to work with his dad, and I started looking for a permanent job. I started working for the County Attorney in September, we bought our first house in October and our first car together, a cute little Plymouth Neon (much nicer than the Dodge Neons in my opinion), in December. We became friends with Tim and Jess, then Matt and Betsy moved back, and then Kent and Chelsea and Daniel and Sarah and somewhere in there Chris and Linda... We were surrounded by friends and were childless and Betsy threw parties for any occasion she could think of. We would sometimes go by Matt and Betsy's apartment after work just to sit and eat whatever she had in her candy jar and hang out (is it any wonder I was steadily gaining weight?). Apart from Heath's bout with illness after we returned from Africa, and his recurrent struggle with those issues, it was a delightful time, and we were healing from our previous disillusionment. Cornerstone Church, Heath's home church, was a great place for us to be during this time. We actually started to pay down our debt and put away our credit cards, vowing to pay with cash or our checking account. As our anniversary neared again, we decided we were ready to try to conceive. Even though we were depending on both incomes, both of us making almost exactly the same amount and getting our insurance through my job, we didn't foresee being able to live on one income any time in the near future, and we were ready to start our family. We didn't want to wait five or ten years, which was the soonest we could envision me being able to quit my job.

Year Four (2001-2002): I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of October, and we were SO excited. I worked until I was put on bedrest with preeclampsia, so I had hugely swollen ankles and soda crackers and a fan permanently stationed on my desk. One day, I went to the bathroom at work and threw up so violently that I broke blood vessels in my eyes, then went back to work afterwards. I slept a lot in the evenings after work, and Heath played video games to pass the time. We continued to enjoy our friends and family, our church, the excitement of the pregnancy, jobs we each enjoyed and the satisfaction of having a little extra money and being able to paying down debt by budgeting. I took off nine weeks, I think, after Jacob was born (maybe it was just eight, I'm not sure). It was blissful. I felt like I was finally getting to fulfill everything I practiced and dreamed about as a little girl, carrying my sweet doll around with me all the time and caring for all his needs. Nursing went perfectly, he slept through the night at six weeks (once we figured out he needed to be in his car seat in order to feel secure enough to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time), and I thought I was ready to go back to work, although I knew it would rip my heart out.

Year Five (2002-2003): I went back to work near the beginning of August, near our anniversary. We were fortunate to have family to watch Jacob, so I could call and check on him a couple of times a day, often after each break time which I used to pump milk for him to have the next day, and I even went to see him on lunch break sometimes. I was totally in love with that bald, round headed baby boy. So was Heath. We would pick him up after work and argue about who would hold him first when we got home. I usually won because he needed a 6 pm feeding, but after that Heath would steal him and let him fall asleep on his chest while we watched Star Trek. We started to realize that it was hard to get much done in the evenings in terms of cooking dinner or housework, because we both really wanted to focus all our time and energy on our baby boy. By the time Jacob was seven months old, I was about to lose my mind going to work every day and not seeing him change second-by-second. Our money situation hadn't changed, but when I was crying before going to bed again one winter night, Heath finally said, "Fine, just quit your job, then!" Despite this less than sympathetic way of making the suggestion, I did quit my job and started staying home with Jacob in February. Hello, credit cards, old friends. Goodbye, paying down debt. Hello, major life change and stress of adjusting to a new role and responsibilities and the strain of not having enough money. Also this year, I dealt with being overweight from leftover pregnancy pounds and pounds I gained while nursing (since I always feel like I'm starving when I am nursing). So, in May I decided to wean Jacob so I could start seriously dieting. I took a pregnancy test in June or July because I wanted to start taking Metabolife or something like that and had to be sure I wasn't pregnant. And that's when we found out, to our great surprise, that Ethan was on his way! Heath's response when I sat the pregnancy test in front of him on the desk: "Crap! (getting up to pace, with wide-open eyes) Crap!!" We did get more excited and happy about it later, of course, but we were certainly surprised and had no idea of a due date until after the first ultrasound.

Year Six (2003-2004):
As we celebrated our fifth anniversary, we were poor, the kids and I were on Medicaid and WIC, Heath was uninsured, and I was wiped out from my pregnancy, even sicker than I had been the first time. But, I was home, and we had a delightful baby boy, another on the way, and were surrounded by family and friends we loved and who loved us. So, despite being wiped out with my pregnancy and unhappy with the way I looked (very puffy with my second pregnancy, plus still carrying extra weight from the first pregnancy and nursing), despite feeling defeated by our finances and fighting sometimes over family responsibilities, I think we were mostly happy. We were still thriving at Cornerstone Church, even though Kent and Cindy had left and the church was temporarily being pastored by the laity. When I started to get preeclampsia again early in my pregnancy, our home group prayed for me and it disappeared until much later, when it was closer to a safe time to deliver. Ethan was born in February, almost four weeks early, after a week and a half of bed rest for me. We were so amazed at how God brought me safely through the last weeks of pregnancy and the labor and delivery, and I chose his middle name, Josiah, which means "God heals or God delivers." Our first moments with Ethan were incredibly special, since there was no one else in the room but us when he was born. Heath picked Ethan up off the sheets after he was born and was the first one to hold him and make sure he was okay. The nurses didn't arrive for several minutes to towel him off, lay him on my chest to get warm, and cut the cord which by then was had stopped pulsating. We had a few hard weeks of me trying to breastfeed a tiny, very sleepy Ethan, but eventually switched to formula and finally found a bottle he could suck on easily enough to start growing well. Ethan was a cuddly, sweet little guy who slept a lot at first and was easy-going, smiley, and people-oriented even as a baby. We started to settle into a routine, and after being home for more than a year, I felt a little more comfortable and confident in my role and responsibilities. I became interested in cloth diapering during this time, and enjoyed sewing some diapers and covers for Ethan and even selling a few on ebay. It was a nice outlet for me. Heath continued to grow in his business and computer skills and to embrace his position as sole provider for our family. We started looking at ways to make our budget work better, starting with refinancing our mortgage, selling our car and getting an older vehicle, deferring my student loan payments, and deciding that maybe using our credit cards to tithe wasn't really what God wanted. After Ethan was born, we continued to be involved at Cornerstone Church as much as we could, especially with the youth group, but with a new pastor changes started to come, and we had to leave that spring. We started attending Bible Christian, where many of our friends went, instead.

Year Seven (2004-2005):
I remember this as a year of growth for us in a lot of ways. We continued to look for ways to fix our budget so that we could actually afford to live and pay our bills. In December, we took out a second mortgage and paid off a big portion of our credit card debt. Heath also got a couple of raises at work that fall. After getting the second mortgage and Heath's raises, we set up a new budget so we wouldn't add to our credit cards any more, and we took out cash with each paycheck to buy gas and groceries. I sucked up my pride and continued to use WIC vouchers for all of our dairy, eggs, and juice. Whatever cash we had left over after groceries and gas, we could use for entertainment or eating out. It felt good to be able to make our budget work and to see our debt go down for the first time in two years. We were fortunate to have free babysitting from Heath's parents, his Grandma and Aunt Gail, and from Uncle Lowell and Aunt Lori, so we even got to continue to go on dates every week or two. Since I didn't nurse Ethan, I wasn't starving all the time and was free to diet. I cut out simple sugars (on the premise that they also made me moody), and I was able to start slowly losing weight instead of gaining for the first time in two years. This was very encouraging, and removed a huge concern from my mind. We used our tax return to buy a year of catastrophic health insurance for Heath and I (now that I was no longer pregnant and covered by Medicaid) and to pay for dental exams and cleanings that had been put off since I quit my job. However, visiting the dentist was actually what precipitated us moving away from GC after five years. The dentist redid one of my fillings that was quite large, and the root became irritated. I was going to need a root canal and a crown. Neither of us had ever needed anything more than a cleaning and the occasional filling. We had no dental insurance and no idea that we might have to pay $600-1000 to get rid of a toothache. Suddenly, all of our careful budgeting and six months of paying down debt were erased with one nasty toothache. After this, Heath started looking for a different job, even though we knew it meant moving away from our wonderful world of family and friends in GC. He sent out three or four resumes, not sure that he would get any response with just five years of experience but no degree, but he quickly got a call, an interview, and then two weeks to show up at his new job. We were stunned and excited and sad to leave our friends and family and happy about the possibilities that lie ahead.

Year Eight (2005-2006):
Our seventh anniversary was Heath's first day of work at his new job. We had just experienced a whirlwind move into an apartment we had leased sight-unseen. Our house in GC was a mess, and we traveled back a few times to attempt to get it ready to be put on the market. Finally, we put out our For Sale By Owner sign, and there it sat... for the next 9 months. Though we had moved for a higher paying job with health insurance, having two sets of housing expenses meant we weren't any better off financially yet. We started looking at houses, even though we didn't think we'd be able to purchase one until we sold the house in GC. We finally decided to try applying for a mortgage without selling the house, and were amazed to find a company that approved us, although at a higher rate. Shortly after, we saw a house for sale at an amazing price, and put an offer on it immediately after viewing it. We had an intense couple of months trying to straighten out financing, making one last push to sell the GC house so we could get a mortgage from a different bank with a much better interest rate, not being able to sell the GC house and being told we couldn't have the lower interest mortgage, then finally being told we could have the mortgage if we were able to get renters and a one-year lease on our GC house. Finally, it was all settled and we closed on this house in mid-May. We didn't have friends here when we first moved, but we got involved at Central Christian right away, going to Saturday night service and a small group on Tuesday night, plus a women's Bible study during the day for me. Although Central wasn't where we ended up staying for a church home, we received good support during the time we were there, and I, specifically, grew a lot in my faith this year. Even though we were in an apartment that was really in need of repair, and we were struggling to sell our GC house for most of the year, we had a good first year here. We enjoyed the hope and excitement of Heath's new job, the fun of living in a "new" bigger city with new bigger and sometimes better things to see and do. Heath also started taking classes toward his degree in computer programming, which was exciting and offered even more hope for the future.

Year Nine (2006-2007):
We settled into our house and before too long decided we were ready for a third baby. I was pregnant by October, and so most of this year was characterized by the pregnancy. I wasn't quite as sick as during my second pregnancy, but I was tired and at times worried about getting preeclampsia for a third time. Prior to getting pregnant again, I had settled into a pretty good routine with Jacob and Ethan and the new house. Once I was pregnant, it was difficult to watch myself slipping in this area, and to no longer feel the satisfaction of knowing I was doing as well at my job of housekeeper/helpmeet/Mommy. Nonetheless, we were very excited about the new baby coming, enough so that I was mostly able to ignore my fears about the weight gain and mostly able to put aside my frustration at how the pregnancy incapacitated me in some ways. Things continued to go well at work for Heath; his department grew and he started making connections with more people in the office and stepping up to some leadership tasks. He stopped taking classes once I got pregnant because it became difficult for me to handle an evening alone with the boys by myself, at first because of being sick and exhausted with the pregnancy and then because of being exhausted and overwhelmed with a new baby. This was a little bit of a bump in the road, but ultimately it seemed to not matter much for his advancement so we tried not to be discouraged by it. We figured that we had other things to are focusing on, like a brand new baby coming into our family, and that was okay and good. Also this year, we began a spiritual journey that involved some changing perspectives on things. Along this journey, we found Wheatland Mission, which has been a huge blessing in our lives. We began to form some really genuine, true friendships and learn even more that built upon what God had been showing us.

Year Ten (2007-2008):
This last year has been characterized by adjusting to the addition of Samuel to our family. We have gone from sleepless and bleary-eyed with a tiny infant, a young preschooler, and a sometimes hesitant kindergartener, to a bit less bleary-eyed, with a curious, energetic toddler, a much more capable and independent preschooler, and a six-year-old ready to embrace his education. Heath has done really well in his job this year, and that has been a big encouragement. I feel like I have sort of stumbled along sometimes, but most of the time I feel like I'm continuing to make progress toward the goal of learning how to juggle my responsibilities and be the wife/mom/person I want to be. We have continued to grow at Wheatland Mission, being woven into relationships with members of that community even more, and being blessed by God through them. We have grown through the challenges of the year, even though at times we have felt squeezed by them. We finish our tenth year of marriage feeling like we have learned and grown and probably changed though all the things we have been through together - but that in a lot of ways we are probably still very much the same inside.

As I look back over these years, I see that so many of the struggles and victories that we have been through together revolve around a few themes: how we were doing financially; how we felt about our occupations and our responsibilities at home - whether we felt like we were handling them well and becoming more capable and whether we felt like we were in the right position; how we felt about our health and (for me) appearance; and how much we felt connected to family, friends, and church. Our stress levels and judgment of how well life was going seemed to be tied to these things and how they balanced one another. I don't know what conclusions I'm drawing, but it was just a trend I noticed.

I hope you enjoyed reading about some of what we've been through as we've stuck together these last ten years. I look forward to as many more years as the Lord grants us to walk together!

I love you, Heath! Thank you for sticking by me and loving me all these years.