discouraged

I am incredibly discouraged by the fact that since beginning working out at the Y last Monday, I have GAINED instead of lost weight!!!! When we needed to sign the boys up for football and swimming lessons, I figured it made sense to get the membership to get the discount on the boys' programs and also have a chance to start exercising again, myself. I had just been talking with friends about how frustrated we are about our weight gain, and how we have to be more active. After weaning Samuel I have been able to at least stop gaining weight (I continued to gain even after giving birth, the whole time I was nursing him), and I had gradually began to lose, but only about 7.5 lbs. over the last six months. So I thought exercising would really be good for me and help jump start the weight loss a little bit more. Instead, I have gained back 4.5 of the lbs. that took me months to lose, and I am almost back up to my highest weight again. I could not be more frustrated and discouraged! It makes me feel like there is NOTHING I can do, and not only will I be this size forever but I'll just continue to gain! I can't even describe how much of a concern my weight gain has been to me every day of this last year. I mean, it continually occupies some part of my mind and causes frustration and panic. I used to be skinny! For years, I thought I would never have to worry about or struggle with my weight like I had watched my mom do all the years I was growing up. I could tell what a struggle and burden it was for her, and how desperate and discouraged she felt when she would gain or continue to be overweight, and how relieved and peaceful she felt when she was finally able to lose and keep off the weight for a portion of my childhood years. In fact, it became impressed on my psyche what a horrible, disgusting thing it was to gain weight and to not be able to lose it, and it became, in my mind, one of the worst events/struggles that could happen to an adult - to gain a bunch of weight and not be able to lose it. Even now, I know that it not true in my head, but my emotions don't listen. I will sometimes glance at myself when passing by a mirror or see myself in a picture, and it will cause me days of panic and obsession. Not that anything useful comes out of it as far as weight loss, just a bunch of bad feelings that are hard to shake.

I hate it that I am so narrow minded and shallow about this area of my life. I hate it that I care so much and that it truly causes me panic. I know in my head that the way I look or the way anyone looks is so, so irrelevant to the worth and potential of the person. But I think for years I clung to the fact that that was one thing I didn't have to worry about, one area of my life that I felt like was okay. There were so many other things I worried about concerning my personality and worth as a person, but at least I felt good about my body being in shape and a reasonable weight. Having that stripped away from me over the last six years, especially with an interval in the middle of those years when I had lost a lot of the weight and started to feel like maybe I could have victory in this area again and not have to waste so much strength and emotional energy battling it, has been very difficult.

I wonder if I've gained over the last two weeks because I have been taking the boys to swimming lessons twice a day, which means I have to have everyone dressed and presentable (including myself), and load us all in the car, usually rushing around frantically at the last minute because I procrastinated getting us ready, then unloading us all at the Y and dragging us through the locker rooms, getting one child showered and into the pool, then dragging that child out of the pool 45 minutes later, going back through the locker rooms and getting everyone through the parking lot and buckled back in the car to go home. I wonder if the stress of all that has caused me to eat to numb the pain. Or if exercising has increased my appetite, and I have been eating more without realizing it. Or if I've subconsciously been eating more to reward myself for exercising. Who knows. I could list my foods and count the calories but that is one more thing to keep track of, and I am still trying to get a handle on the responsibilities that I already have - I don't really think I should add one more thing to do. Besides that, it's not just listing the foods and counting the calories, it is then modifying what I'm eating if the calories are too much (which obviously they are). I just wish I could take a pill to make it all go away.

Here's how I looked just two years ago. Not the skinniest I've been, but healthy. How frustrating!