tension

There is so much tension in my home right now. The sibling rivalry has been increasing steadily for quite a while and has now reached a fever pitch. So, we have overt conflict and tension between the boys, plus the underlying tension of Heath and I trying to deal with it and keep our cool, which we don't always do very well.

Jacob and Ethan love each other so much and hardly know what to do without one another. However, they have been fighting nonstop for several weeks at least. I would say ever since Samuel was born, but I think we had 2 or 3 peaceful weeks after he was born. Then we settled into a routine, I guess, and these tensions surfaced.

Every toy or activity is a potential (usually a guaranteed) conflict. Jacob wants to direct every game or activity. Ethan is mostly okay with this, but at times he exerts his independence, which really irks Jacob. If Ethan tries to move a part of the "setup" for the game or activity, Jacob will often scream at him or hit him. Sometimes Ethan will intentionally mess up the whole setup in response to Jacob not letting him have input into the design.

When they are playing separately, the conflict that arises is that Jacob helps himself to whatever toys Ethan happens to be playing with. Sometimes this is because he wants them for his own play, and he may say that he "needs" them to complete his game. Or maybe he is trying to show Ethan how to play with them the "right" way. But we also have a continual problem with Jacob sneaking off with Ethan's favorite toys (which right now are his die cast Lightening McQueen and Doc Hudson, who he carries with him almost everywhere), just to irritate Ethan and not because he particularly wants them for his game. Ethan's response is to scream at the top of his lungs and sometimes hit, scratch, or bite Jacob.

So, lots of violence. Lots of tension.

Starting home school has made the jealousy between them embarrassingly obvious. While I try to read to or show Jacob something for school, Ethan will try his best to distract Jacob and I by talking or trying to involve us with a game or toy. If that fails, he will try to climb on me, get in the way of the book, or even just yell randomly at the top of his lungs. I have tried to get him interested in participating with us, modified things for his attention span and understanding, but he doesn't want to do that. Ethan's never been quite as interested in being read to or coloring or writing. So, I've got to find a solution to that. It makes me sad, since Jacob and I enjoy "doing school" so much (he has been asking to do it on the weekends, too).

The other major, major issue we have been having is Jacob's problem with fears. I think you would really call them phobias now, but I don't know. I am wondering if he might need to talk to a therapist or someone other than us, at least, to overcome them, because they are really extreme. He has always resisted going to sleep in his own bed at night. We have struggled with this off and on through the years, sometimes experiencing peace in this area for months at a time, but then having it resurface again for some reason. The latest thing that sent us back to square one was a DIY program in which an alien face appeared in the kitchen window, accompanied by creepy music (they were making alien-themed cupcakes and it was just a stupid joke). I pointed out to him how you could see the mask of the alien face on the table later, and he knew intellectually it wasn't real, but he has been pretty terrified every since. Before that, he had been sleeping well for months, after we had finally gotten over his fear of the pulsating brain - LOL it made me terrified too - from A Wrinkle in Time.

Ok, so we are sometimes stupid and we have let him be exposed to some things that have contributed to his fears. But he is very extreme with them. If left alone, he screams and screams and shakes, and NOTHING we say makes any difference. He really gets frantic. The saddest thing is when he begs God to help. We pray with him and for him, we read the Bible or pray with him until he falls asleep, we put the dog in his bed, he already has Ethan sleeping in the bottom bunk, we leave a light on, we reassure him that aliens/ghosts/monsters aren't real and that any real bad guys can't get in to our house, etc. etc. He will often be able to fall asleep initially but wakes up again several hours later, scared again and wanting in our bed. At times we have thought it was manipulation instead of fear and have treated it that way, being very firm. But at times it has clearly been real fear.

I truly sympathize at those times, but it is also very draining. We were up until 5:30 am with him last Saturday night, because we insisted that he stay in his own bed. Other nights he'll wake up crying just as we drift off to sleep, and we'll have to get back up to deal with him for another hour or two. Then, there is an effect on his daytime behavior, too. Some time in the last 6 months or so he decided it's scary to be on one level of our house without anyone else on that level. So, he won't go upstairs or downstairs unless Ethan, Heath, I, or the dog go with him. So, if a toy or cup or snack or whatever is on the other level, he'll whine and beg for one of us to go with him to get it. The same applies to going out in the backyard. Yesterday, I was unsympathetic about his fear and told him it was ridiculous and he had to get over it. I think this actually made the situation worse, maybe because he thought I was no longer willing to help if he did get attacked by aliens? I don't know, none of it makes sense to me. But the result was he followed about 10 inches behind me everywhere I went in the house all day. It was maddening. I tried to lay Samuel down gently, silently to nap by himself. Jacob, and by association Ethan, followed me, and they started talking loudly in his room before I could get him laid down. They would follow me to the bathroom and sit outside the door. They were underfoot in the kitchen while I tried to cook and handle hot food and dishes without dumping it on them. Anyway, you get the idea. Maddening.

Well, I think I have worn myself out describing it all. I have described our children's worst behavior, but they do have many charming, enjoyable qualities and moments as well. We love them so much, and we want to do what's best for each member of the family, though balancing everyone's needs is sometimes tricky. We are praying for wisdom and discernment and strength to be good parents. Although sometimes I feel like we've tried every suggestion ever written for these issues, we are still open to suggestions, if anyone has ideas.