Wednesday, August 22, 2007

tension

There is so much tension in my home right now. The sibling rivalry has been increasing steadily for quite a while and has now reached a fever pitch. So, we have overt conflict and tension between the boys, plus the underlying tension of Heath and I trying to deal with it and keep our cool, which we don't always do very well.

Jacob and Ethan love each other so much and hardly know what to do without one another. However, they have been fighting nonstop for several weeks at least. I would say ever since Samuel was born, but I think we had 2 or 3 peaceful weeks after he was born. Then we settled into a routine, I guess, and these tensions surfaced.

Every toy or activity is a potential (usually a guaranteed) conflict. Jacob wants to direct every game or activity. Ethan is mostly okay with this, but at times he exerts his independence, which really irks Jacob. If Ethan tries to move a part of the "setup" for the game or activity, Jacob will often scream at him or hit him. Sometimes Ethan will intentionally mess up the whole setup in response to Jacob not letting him have input into the design.

When they are playing separately, the conflict that arises is that Jacob helps himself to whatever toys Ethan happens to be playing with. Sometimes this is because he wants them for his own play, and he may say that he "needs" them to complete his game. Or maybe he is trying to show Ethan how to play with them the "right" way. But we also have a continual problem with Jacob sneaking off with Ethan's favorite toys (which right now are his die cast Lightening McQueen and Doc Hudson, who he carries with him almost everywhere), just to irritate Ethan and not because he particularly wants them for his game. Ethan's response is to scream at the top of his lungs and sometimes hit, scratch, or bite Jacob.

So, lots of violence. Lots of tension.

Starting home school has made the jealousy between them embarrassingly obvious. While I try to read to or show Jacob something for school, Ethan will try his best to distract Jacob and I by talking or trying to involve us with a game or toy. If that fails, he will try to climb on me, get in the way of the book, or even just yell randomly at the top of his lungs. I have tried to get him interested in participating with us, modified things for his attention span and understanding, but he doesn't want to do that. Ethan's never been quite as interested in being read to or coloring or writing. So, I've got to find a solution to that. It makes me sad, since Jacob and I enjoy "doing school" so much (he has been asking to do it on the weekends, too).

The other major, major issue we have been having is Jacob's problem with fears. I think you would really call them phobias now, but I don't know. I am wondering if he might need to talk to a therapist or someone other than us, at least, to overcome them, because they are really extreme. He has always resisted going to sleep in his own bed at night. We have struggled with this off and on through the years, sometimes experiencing peace in this area for months at a time, but then having it resurface again for some reason. The latest thing that sent us back to square one was a DIY program in which an alien face appeared in the kitchen window, accompanied by creepy music (they were making alien-themed cupcakes and it was just a stupid joke). I pointed out to him how you could see the mask of the alien face on the table later, and he knew intellectually it wasn't real, but he has been pretty terrified every since. Before that, he had been sleeping well for months, after we had finally gotten over his fear of the pulsating brain - LOL it made me terrified too - from A Wrinkle in Time.

Ok, so we are sometimes stupid and we have let him be exposed to some things that have contributed to his fears. But he is very extreme with them. If left alone, he screams and screams and shakes, and NOTHING we say makes any difference. He really gets frantic. The saddest thing is when he begs God to help. We pray with him and for him, we read the Bible or pray with him until he falls asleep, we put the dog in his bed, he already has Ethan sleeping in the bottom bunk, we leave a light on, we reassure him that aliens/ghosts/monsters aren't real and that any real bad guys can't get in to our house, etc. etc. He will often be able to fall asleep initially but wakes up again several hours later, scared again and wanting in our bed. At times we have thought it was manipulation instead of fear and have treated it that way, being very firm. But at times it has clearly been real fear.

I truly sympathize at those times, but it is also very draining. We were up until 5:30 am with him last Saturday night, because we insisted that he stay in his own bed. Other nights he'll wake up crying just as we drift off to sleep, and we'll have to get back up to deal with him for another hour or two. Then, there is an effect on his daytime behavior, too. Some time in the last 6 months or so he decided it's scary to be on one level of our house without anyone else on that level. So, he won't go upstairs or downstairs unless Ethan, Heath, I, or the dog go with him. So, if a toy or cup or snack or whatever is on the other level, he'll whine and beg for one of us to go with him to get it. The same applies to going out in the backyard. Yesterday, I was unsympathetic about his fear and told him it was ridiculous and he had to get over it. I think this actually made the situation worse, maybe because he thought I was no longer willing to help if he did get attacked by aliens? I don't know, none of it makes sense to me. But the result was he followed about 10 inches behind me everywhere I went in the house all day. It was maddening. I tried to lay Samuel down gently, silently to nap by himself. Jacob, and by association Ethan, followed me, and they started talking loudly in his room before I could get him laid down. They would follow me to the bathroom and sit outside the door. They were underfoot in the kitchen while I tried to cook and handle hot food and dishes without dumping it on them. Anyway, you get the idea. Maddening.

Well, I think I have worn myself out describing it all. I have described our children's worst behavior, but they do have many charming, enjoyable qualities and moments as well. We love them so much, and we want to do what's best for each member of the family, though balancing everyone's needs is sometimes tricky. We are praying for wisdom and discernment and strength to be good parents. Although sometimes I feel like we've tried every suggestion ever written for these issues, we are still open to suggestions, if anyone has ideas.

12 comments:

  1. Jenny,
    I don't have any suggestions but I do know, from experience, that those childhood fears can be very real. I will pray for Jacob and you and Heath.
    Love you all!!
    Gail

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  2. oh man, did you gather that the theme of Mason's party is space and alien related? uh...now what? maybe he will see how goofy aliens are & not be scare? or maybe he won't want a goodie bag?

    i bought these test tubes that have aliens & slime inside of them. i have alien masks, glow in the dark flying saucers, etc.

    seriously! now what? oh man, i know how bad fear can be.

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  3. Melanie, I can't believe I didn't think about/notice that! Hmmm. That's really different from the show that scared him because it is so obviously pretend. Maybe I will try to talk to him about it today, and see if it seems scary to him. Maybe it would actually diffuse the issue for him, help him conquer it. I'll get back to you.

    Also, thank you for thinking of it and bringing it up! I'm so oblivious sometimes.

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  4. I just talked to Jacob about the party and explained that there would be alien masks, etc. He acted like I was silly, and said, "I know when people are just dressed up, Mommy. I can tell they aren't real aliens." (Of course, you can tell he does still believe there are "real aliens.") His only concern was that he wouldn't be forced to wear an alien mask himself. He's excited about the lake, cake, smores, everything else about the party, so he has good incentive to overcome his fears.

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  5. Anonymous9:45 AM

    whew. your post took me back in time about 7 years.

    harry boy dealt with irrational fear. sometimes i started getting scared because he would look at the doorway or end of the bed like something was really there (maybe there was). we tried putting him in bed with us and he'd freak out about patterns on the sheets or a bump in the blanket - we'd have lights on, try singing, praying, turning on the t.v. - nothing worked. when i say freaked out, it was screaming, crying, trying to get away from something, gripping me around the neck type freaking.
    i don't know when exactly it ended but it has. i remember how exhausting the nights would be when he was dealing with this, we called them night terrors. the day after was hard for me.
    we'll be praying for you. i'll mention this to paul (if he doesn't get to your blog today). we feel it.

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  6. Anonymous1:24 PM

    Jenny, you are so intuned with your babies and what a blessing to be home with them. I will pray that God will continue to give you the 'key' to unlock doors for answers.And strength to keep going. Qp


    When I'm Afraid

    I couldn't count, dear Lord, the things that sometimes fighten me: An open window five floors up, the deep holes in the sea, the dogs who flashed their teeth by day, the angels of the night, and death, and life, and things to come, things loud like dynamite.
    But none of these can separate me, Jesus, from Your love, For You are with me here below while Your're with God above. ~W.W.

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  7. I don't have any experience with this but I got to thinking, have you talked to him about guardian angels? I remember talking to mine when I was a kid; no he/she didn't talk back LOL. I do believe we have them though and perhaps it would comfort him to know his is working overtime and would never let anything hurt him.

    I also remember, however silly, a movie, I don't remember what it was, but this kid was told that everytime he put on these magic sunglasses bad guys couldn't see him or something to that effect and it brought him some comfort. Not sure that is something I would try, but I suppose if nothing else worked you might want to try anything.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.

    Darci

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  8. Anonymous2:16 PM

    Maybe you should consider sending jacob to school, there are lots of good private and public schools, you just have to research and find the right one for your family.I homeschooled my children and realized very early in homeschooling the youngest one that it wasn't going to be like the other. Some children need the social part of school, others just like the grown up feeling of being able to do something without mom and dad. This would free up some one on one time for the middle child.

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  9. Anonymous (who are you?) - It's funny, I was just saying to a friend today that some people would say I should just send Jacob to Kindergarten to ease the sibling rivalry. The problem with that for us is that it's overkill. We need a few hours a few days a week that they would get a break from each other; 35 hours a week would really be too much, just for the purpose of addressing sibling rivalry. I am looking in to some other ways to give them some time apart though, so we'll see how that goes. I think I would consider 1/2 day K at CCA more if it wasn't for the $200+/mo.

    I feel happy about our decision to home school except for this one aspect of it not giving the boys some time apart...

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  10. Jenny,
    This is your auntie. Is Wichita doing all day kindergarten? Garden is and I think it is way too much. Maybe check in to library programs somewhere like we have here. The boys could even do that together but have other children around them too. Maybe you could even call it "school" for Ethan.
    Love you very much!!

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  11. Anonymous9:16 AM

    Maybe try to find a half day preschool, Jacobs young, waiting a year to start kindergarten wouldn't be so bad. Sean was a young kindergartener ( we thought he might need a little time to mature he was very bright and could do the work but more into play and he is a june birthday too)) so we opted for kinderprep and it gave him a year to grow up and now he is doing great he has great grades and scored 94 and 98 on his reading and math assessments last year to qualify for the advanced classes this year in middle school. That would free up some time for ethan and maybe give you some peace from the constant tension. I watched the boys the morning of the funeral and noticed that they never wanted to do the same thing but they don't want to play alone either.
    Good luck.

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  12. Anonymous7:39 AM

    Your posting took me back in time, though the sibling rivalry you describe seems mild to what existed between your father and me; yes, I threw a hammer through a window at him. But fret not, as you know we became exceptionally close. Though you may have to wait about six years:) And it happened when we made a pact not to rat out each other to our parents. There, hope that made you feel better ROTFL!

    Guardian angels are a good idea too; Mom (your Grandma) placated me in one fell swoop, at about age 4, by telling me there weren't real witches in the Bible, just people who thought they were. That worked, and still does (thankfully, she took the Methodist approach to the Witch of Endor!).

    Not sure this helped, but at least reminds you that you aren't alone ... it runs in the family!

    Happy Birthday! Mark

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