I had a horrible time at Superior School Supply today. I had been wanting an alphabet line and a number line or chart, as well as a phonics chart and/or flashcards. I knew that it is always more challenging to take the kids with me somewhere. I have had enough difficult experiences to make me want to never take them in a store with me again, but there is still a part of me that says I am a major wimp for feeling that way, and that I have to just be matter-of-fact about it and do it. So, I thought, I'll just go in, get what I need, and we'll go.

However, it wasn't that simple. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. I kept finding things that did look helpful in locations I didn't expect them to be - so that prompted my continued search for exactly what I wanted (thinking it was probably just hidden away somewhere). The kids meanwhile were roaming the store a bit. The stayed on the east half of the store with me, but I couldn't keep them in sight for more than a few seconds. I would go to where they were, or bring them to me, but the minute I started to look at the racks to try to find what I wanted, they were off exploring again. I mean, come on - they are little boys, and this was a store filled with things designed to be engaging and interesting to them. On the other hand, haven't I been training them to obey for these last 4 and 2.5 years? Why were they so thoroughly disregarding my directions?

I was trying to just get out of there without making a scene. But alas, it was not to be.

It was taking me forever to find anything, because whenever I started looking through the racks, I had to stop and rescue the merchandise from my children's hands again. So, finally, the lady at the counter tells me that the display shelves are not very sturdy, and I need to make sure the boys don't touch them because they could fall on them. Okay, I get her point, keep the kids away from the stuff. I've been trying, but it is very hard. I have two of them to watch, after all, and I'm trying to use my eyes to decide what to buy, too. (Ugg, I hate how whiny I sound here already!) So, I grab Jacob's hand and go searching for Ethan who has wandered off again while I am speaking to her. She finds him first, unfortunately, and brings him to me. She is holding some small object, and she says, "See this is what I'm talking about. He was trying to eat this. You really need to keep them with you...." And I don't remember the rest, something about how it wasn't the type of store where kids can just explore etc. etc. Now, what she said about him eating it is very unlikely, he never puts anything in his mouth. We could barely feed him when he was little because he didn't even want a nipple in his mouth. But nonetheless, I'm sure he was messing with it, and it was not a good thing. I don't blame her for not wanting my kids to wreck havoc in her store.

So, I put away all the stuff in the cart, because I am not capable of deciding that quickly what I want to get for sure. The whole time I am doing this I am holding Ethan, originally on my hip but then under my arm like a football because he twisted around trying to escape. And he is shouting, "No! No! I wan down! I wan down!" And I am trying to get Jacob to stay right next to me and touch nothing, but he's not really obeying (but at least not throwing a fit like Ethan), and he's starting to pout as my voice gets more strict.

After putting every item back where it belonged, I put away the cart, and I usher the kids out the door. Jacob says, "Are we going to McDonald's now?" Of course the answer is no, I can't reward them with McDonald's playground after this incident! So Jacob starts to wail in the parking lot while I'm buckling in Ethan. I remembered then that I needed to see about the item Ethan had supposedly tried to eat - if it was damaged I wanted to pay for it. I leave the kids in the running car, which is right in front of the glass-front store (but I'm still thinking the store lady will probably say in horror, "Did you just leave your kids in the car?!?"), and run back inside to ask about the item. She says "don't worry about it." So I head off to the McDonald's drive-through, because it would be punishing myself more than them to not at least get food (it was the playground that would have been a reward).

Jacob stopped crying on the way home before I did. Shortly after I handed him his hamburger, he seemed to forget anything had happened. Meanwhile I was quietly sobbing ("Mommy, are you laughing?") all the way home. I mean, what does this incident say about me? Why wouldn't the kids obey me? Do I just ignore too much at home because I don't want to deal with it? I know we are relaxed parents; we don't have a lot of rules or worry about a lot of issues that others might consider a big deal. Our boys run and wrestle and throw balls in the house. They pretend to duel with sticks as swords outside, and we let them climb high things and jump off of things. We want to let them be boys and conquer their world. But I'd like to think that we do have boundaries that we enforce. But maybe not, if they can't obey when it matters. I was just so saddened by the incident. I feel like I have a lot to think about this afternoon, but I feel like it is all a muddled mess in my mind.