I so enjoyed our house church tonight, as I have each time we've gone. I need those connections with other people so badly. But I left feeling in awe again of the responsibility that is raising a strong-willed child. I am amazed at his ability to push my buttons, to make me feel weak and embarrassed and out of control. It can take a store of peace inside me and turn it into fatigue and tension in seconds.

I swore I would never be a yeller. Beyond that, I swore I would not be a parent who repeated requests, who threatened or counted down or bribed to get compliance. Yes, I know those aren't effective methods. I've read the books with their neat scenarios of how a conflict should be handled between parent and child. I planned to be in control of my children. I still feel that conviction, that strong desire to be "in control" of my children, but I am just stunned by how difficult it has proven to be. It has forced me to loosen my definition a bit of what "control" is.

The Bible says a church leader (and thus I would think the ideal or goal for every Christian?) should be one who "manages his family well" and whose "children obey him with proper respect." What exactly does that mean? What age of children are we talking about here, and what level of control? Are we talking about robot or military style obedience with no discussion or slack allowed, or just an overall pattern of obedience with some mercy and give and take along the way?

I think something I have realized in raising this strong-willed child is that we're not going to "fix" him. People tend to think, well if you just implemented such-and-such method, then he would learn that you really mean business, and from there on out it would be easier. No. It doesn't work that way. It's more like we need to work up to a certain level of control with him, and then we have to maintain it for the next 13 years. Seriously. And if we slack off, oh boy, we will know it.

I'm sorry, I'm just not that strong! I am trying. I feel like my parenting experience has been this cycle of buckling down, going into "training" if you will, conditioning myself to the level of strength I need to keep enforcing while being tested over and over. Then, gradually, being worn down. And finally, collapsing, ready to give up or start over with a new philosophy or method or something. Picking up the pieces, trying to evaluate what went wrong, and initiating the program again. This time it will "work"! I say to myself.

Well, I think I've finally realized that it's not the program that is the problem. It's just me, and it's just him. I heard someone say once, and it still grates on me every time I think of it, "There aren't any strong-willed children; there are just weak-willed mothers." Maybe that is true. I am trying to change that so that I can calmly, effectively and efficiently manage my children. But I am horrified by the magnitude of the task before me at times, when I think of maintaining this level of emotional and psychological effort for who knows how long - maybe 13 more years. That's why each day I just try to do my best and keep hoping that this will get easier in time, as we all grow; and I try not to think about how unfair it is to my children that I'm not there yet, that I'm so much less than what I wanted to be as a parent.

I am such a whiner in my blog lately, that I wonder if I should start a separate whiny blog and leave this one for pictures and cute stories. It could enable me to have this split-personality about my children, where I admire and savor their cuteness,while still bemoaning my exhaustion and frustration at parenting them. That dichotomy sums up my emotions lately pretty well.