For the last week and a half, I have tried not to post any entries where I was just reiterating the same complaints about my life again. I haven't been incredibly upbeat or anything, but I have found a few other things to focus on. But I can't get away from it - my life is really hard right now. And somehow I need to make an honest cry out into the openness of the blogosphere every so often and say, yeah, it still sucks over here. I'm trying my best to be positive, and to make things better as much as I can, but I think it's just a difficult phase of life for us right now.

My whole plan for a schedule with Samuel hasn't really been working out. He's not really down with it. He much prefers to be held as many hours in a day as possible and to sleep only when he's really really ready. Which is around 11 pm most nights. Which is not terrible most nights because Heath and I can just stay up talking and watching silly TV shows together. But tonight Heath was gone to his D-group, so it was just Samuel and I sitting here, nursing, talking, enjoying his sweetness, but eventually I was just really wanting to be able to lay him down so I could shower or do the dishes or laundry or any number of other things.

Last night I got him down around 10:30 and savored the next 30 minutes of being physically alone. Right now (11 pm) he is laying in his bed awake - I am trying to remind him of how he knows how to fall asleep by himself. He's not so sure about it. The mobile stopped and he's mad. But you know, despite my weariness at always having my arms full, he's my easiest task right now. Even though my plan for a schedule hasn't worked out for him, I feel like I'm doing okay with mothering him. I'm nursing him, he's gaining weight, I smile and talk to him and keep him safe and do get him to sleep a reasonable number of hours for a baby his age (albeit at times decided by him). What more could I do? But my two older boys... I don't think I want to even delve into how I feel about my parenting of them lately. Woefully inadequate is a good summary phrase.

Anyway. Sorry to be a downer, but desperate to scream out to whoever would listen about how I was feeling.