I really need a solution for Jacob's problem with fears. I feel like it handicaps our entire family. Imagine if your child wouldn't stay in any room of your house by himself! A big problem is his unwillingness to go to the bathroom by himself, which results in much cajoling of the dog or his brother to go with him. We will not go with him anymore, because we are not going to enable his fears. Even aside from him not being able to go to the bathroom by himself, his inability to stay in a room alone is frustrating and annoying. Just now, I went into the guest room - about 10 feet away from where he was in the playroom - and as soon as he realized he was alone, he raced into the guest room with a frantic look in his eyes. I am not even sympathetic anymore. I told him that if he raced after me like that, I would assume he was being chased by some dangerous wild animal. Most of the time I manage to hold back my sarcasm and annoyance, but after a full day of having a shadow I sometimes say something like that.
Another big rub with him not being willing to be alone is when it comes to dealing with conflict. I needed to have a little talk with Ethan earlier today before putting him in time out, but Jacob raced after us when we tried to leave the room, and wouldn't give us even a few feet of space to talk privately (he wanted to stand right outside the door in the hallway while we were in the bedroom). Furthermore, when I get tense or stress with what is going on between them or with Samuel or whatever it may be, I can often calm down quickly if I can just get a few minutes alone. But if I try to go somewhere alone, he immediately races after me, usually runs into me when I stop walking, and continues to follow wherever I go. If I shut myself in our bedroom or the bathroom, he sits by the door (often talking to me or screaming to be let in). It doesn't have the same calming effect when he's talking through the door to me.
So, anyway, I need solutions! I have thought of putting him in his room alone for a set period of time each day, to just force him to deal with it. Maybe I'd start with 5 minutes and work up to however long. But then I wonder if that is mean or just me being desperate. I think I could tolerate the situation until he outgrew it if I didn't have other things I am working on with the other kids - Ethan's whining and fit-throwing, Samuel's nap schedule (or lack thereof some days).
What do you all think? Any other ideas?
Absolutely you should try something like that. I would try putting up a baby gate and leaving the door open, and leaving a radio on or something like that. Just like you would with a baby in a crib, start small and return every couple of minutes to let him know you are still there, then day by day make it a little longer. Also, you might try to designate "hug time", say 15 minutes the same time everyday that he can expect. How old is he?
ReplyDeleteAngela, are you Angela from house church, or a different Angela? :-)
ReplyDeleteWell, either way, thank you for posting, and to answer your questions: Jacob is our oldest - 5 yrs + 4 mo. He can climb the baby gate, unfortunately. If we leave the door open, cracked or even closed, he runs back out frantically as I described - it's not that he's being defiant so much as he has himself all worked up into a frenzy of fear. There's no reasoning with him about it. So, if I did put him in his room for a set period of time each day it would have to be with the door locked from the outside - that is the only way he stays in there, if he knows there is no hope of escape. We do have a small stereo in there and lots of books, so maybe he could comfort himself with that. (In fact, I have tried a "quiet time" with him along those lines, but it only lasted a day or two because it was so difficult to enforce.) The only times we lock him in his room now are for time outs for extreme naughtiness, and he hides under a blanket the whole time and yells out every minute or two to ask if his time is up.
He does get plenty of "hug time" (at least I think so) at intervals throughout the day - one-on-one with me when we do our reading for school and when I help him with his worksheets for school, short conversation with me scattered throughout the day, and sometimes helping me with chores or playing a game together. Then he gets two-on-one with Daddy at bedtime for about 20 minutes of storybooks and Bible reading.
Ug. I know this is unusual for a 5 year old to have this issue. I think his age is part of what makes it complicated.
I wonder if teaching Jacob a few scriptures about God always being with him that he could recite when starts to get worried would help? I know reciting scripture has always helped me (whenever I remember to try it ;) )
ReplyDeleteIf you come across any verses about policemen or loud noises let me know...
someone once told me a story about a little girl who was afraid one night. her mom tried to assure her that Jesus was with her. the little girl said, "but, mom, i can't see Him." the point of the story is that sometimes the only way for them to see Jesus is for us to be Jesus with skin. the tricky part is to know how to do that without making ourselves crazy (our kids, too) in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteno advice for me to give unfortunately. my parenting is trial and error, with lots of mistakes and lucky successes (not luck, if we believe God is helping...you know what I mean). maybe not real helpful, but i can stand with you in your sometimes unspeakable frustration.