Samuel is 9 months old today. He is doing so many things - crawling, pulling up, cruising, saying Dada and Mama, eating finger foods, climbing the stairs (much to our alarm), and playing with his brothers. He is a joy.

date night update

I did manage to leave the house and have a very nice time on our date, despite my obsessive tendencies. I did not get everything I could have finished, but alas, none of the unusual scenarios I imagined happened. I know logically that I don't need to do that much preparation, but for some reason on the day we are scheduled to have a babysitter, I get sucked into a whirlwind of tension fueled by obsession and self-deprecation.

date night!

Tonight, Heath and I get to go on a date, by ourselves. This does not happen often since we moved away from family. Not only that, but we get to go to U23D, which we have been looking forward to ever since we heard about it. Ever since I bought the tickets yesterday morning and scheduled a babysitter, I have been really excited. That is, until this morning, when the reality of getting things ready for a babysitter hit me full force.

Here is the problem with getting ready for a babysitter to come over to our house. You don't have to just prepare for what you expect to happen - i.e., something ready or available for dinner, a bottle for the baby in the fridge, books and PJs ready for bedtimes, and phone numbers written down. You have to prepare for all the things that could possibly happen that the babysitter could possibly have to deal with. What if one of the kids wets their beds before we get home? Are there clean sheets and blankets washed, and are they somewhere they can readily be found? Are there extra sets of PJs and clothes available in case they are needed? If she pulls open their dresser drawers will she find these clothes readily, or will she find a jumbled mess of unmatched socks, underwear, a few odd pieces of clothing and spare toy parts thrown in for good measure? If the kids ask for chocolate milk, will she open the fridge and see a sippy cup half-full of chocolate milk and think it is from earlier today, when it was actually abandoned there a week or two ago? If the kids ask for a snack before bed, will she find crackers and granola bars in the cabinet, or just a few cans of beans and a bag of flour?

So rather than tidying up and getting a few things prepared, I start feeling like I have to clean and organize EVERYTHING. I need to clean out the fridge so the spoiled milk incident doesn't happen. I need to go to the store to stock the kitchen appropriately. I need to do all the laundry and organize the dresser drawers and linen closet so everything can be found. I need to check in every drawer and behind every door that might need to be opened for any reason, and make sure whatever is in there is accessible and not surrounded by anything embarrassing. And about the time I realize this - usually around 10 am on the day we have scheduled a babysitter for the evening - is the time I start having a panic attack in anticipation of the panic I will feel later that afternoon when I only have 3 hours, or 2 hours, or finally 1 hour to get it all finished. It doesn't matter that I tell myself it is ridiculous to panic now, that I still have many hours and that even my long list of tasks shouldn't take that long. I think of all the things that could get in the way of me getting these things completed, and I think of the embarrassment or helplessness or disorientation I feel when I don't get them complete, and my heart starts racing and my lung capacity gets cut in half and the problem-solving, task-oriented part of my brain shuts down. Nice.

Sometimes these days end with an emotional rant at Heath about how I always get stuck with this responsibility, and how unfair it all is. I don't really feel this way, but the pain of anxiety begs to be unleashed and targeted somewhere other than at my own fragile sense self-worth. Heath has learned that he can usually avoid this rant being directed at him if he does one or two things to help the night before, particularly any household task I find particularly daunting. He didn't do that last night, but hopefully I'll still manage to regain an excited and relaxed attitude before show time tonight. I have already snapped at the kids several times this morning, which doesn't make me feel any better, actually.

Hate... the... feeling... of... tension...

My Big Wooser

I know, three posts in one day is really not the best way to do it. But I had to point you to Auntie G's blog and her post about Jez Luckett, or "My Big Wooser," as Ethan likes to call him. (As in, "Mommy, I wanna watch my big wooser!" and "Mommy, where my big wooser?" when trying to spot Jez on the show. :-) Heath has known Jez for a long time, and it is amazing to see the transformation his body has undergone since being on The Biggest Loser.

Here are some funny things from this week.

On a sunny afternoon, I tried to vacuum up some leaves in the yard that were left in a pile from the fall, so I could consolidate them and put them on the mulch pile. After trying for a little while, I said, "Well, it's not going to work today; they are still too wet." Ethan had been closely watching me work, and he said, "Yeah. Cause I peed on them!"

After working and playing outside that day, we tracked in some mud, which I've been picking up off the floor for the rest of the week. I finally did a comprehensive sweep of the downstairs floor after the following event. I heard Samuel whimpering for help, and I looked over to discover he had pulled up on the walker, which was slowly rolling away from him. He looked up at me beseechingly, with a circle of dark mud around his mouth. When I scooped him up to rescue him and clean him off, I discovered he was still hoarding pieces of mud he had found off the floor in his cheeks.

Just last night, Jacob and Ethan asked us to "time" them while they raced up and down the hall from the living room. We told them we were talking at the moment, but that they could count for themselves. Jacob said, "But I don't know how long a second is!" I said, "Oh, here's a trick Grandma Bonnie taught me. Say one-thousand-and-one, one-thousand-and-two..." Heath interrupted me, laughing, and said, "No, that's way too slow!" And demonstrated the right speed (or so he says!) to count for seconds. Then his face lit up, and he said, "That's it! That's why your internal clock is off! We can trace it all back to your Mom teaching you to count seconds too slowly." (Because I am late everywhere and continually underestimate how long tasks or events will take.) I was not amused. But maybe you will be, therefore I share it with you.

ridiculous

I try to avoid as much as possible calling customer support at any of the mega-corporations which provide various services to me. Today, I was reminded why. Thinking chat support might be easier since my children were playing near me and would make carrying on a conversation difficult, I tried that first:

Oliana Wade: Hi Jennifer!
Jennifer: Hello.
Oliana Wade: I understand you need assistance with your connection setup, is that correct?
Jennifer: No, not with the connection actually. Just with setting up the account access online. To view my bill, make payments, etc.
Oliana Wade: I understand your question and I'm glad to assist you with your inquiry.
Jennifer: It asks for my ATT phone number, but I have DSL without a phone
Oliana Wade: Please access this site.
The agent is sending you to http://att.com.
Jennifer: when I enter the account number I have, it says it's not recognized or something like that.
Jennifer: ok, I am at that site.
Oliana Wade: You need to register first before they allow you to access your bill online.
Jennifer: Right. But it wouldn't let me register either.
Jennifer: I go to the register link, and it wants me to enter my phone number.
Jennifer: When I enter the account number I have, it says it isn't recognized or something to that effect.
Oliana Wade: Are you on that site?
The agent is sending you to http://att.com.
Jennifer: Yes, I am on that site.
Oliana Wade: Your account number is on your bill.
Jennifer: Right.
Oliana Wade: Can you check on that please?
Jennifer: It is XXXXXXXXXXXX
Oliana Wade: And that is what you are trying to enter?
Jennifer: Yes.
Oliana Wade: I was able to pull up your account using the number, XXXXXXXXXX.
Oliana Wade: May I ask you to wait while I access the information?
Jennifer: You mean you were able to pull it up online, or in your system?
Jennifer: that's fine.
Oliana Wade: Thank you so much for waiting.
Oliana Wade: As soon as you pull up the site, http://att.com
Oliana Wade: Please click on Log In, located at the upper right hand corner of the page.
Jennifer: Yes, that's what I did.
Oliana Wade: Then look for "High Speed Internet and Phone" section, click on Pay Bill.
Oliana Wade: It will now ask you to enter your zipcode.
Jennifer: yes
Oliana Wade: Okay, after that what happened?
Jennifer: It takes me to a screen that says enter your user ID and enter your password. There is a link at the bottom that says I don't have an online account. When I click on that, it takes me to a page where I am supposed to enter my phone number.
Jennifer: And this is where I was when I contacted you. It won't let me use my account number as the phone number.
Oliana Wade: Oh I see.
Oliana Wade: I am really sorry if I cannot provide you with the information that you need. As much as I wanted to help you, only our Billing Department can assist you regarding this matter. The telephone number to call is 1-877-722-3755, and the IVR is voice activated. Please say "Billing", and the IVR will transfer you to Billing. Billing Operating Hours: Mon-Fri (7:00 am-9:00 pm) and Saturday (8:00 am-5:00 pm).
Jennifer: ok, thanks

Wow, could she have paid any less attention to my actual first question?

So, I tried calling the number she gave me. Which was a voice system. Which I hate.

"So I can direct your call, first I need ---" (kids talking in the background) "What was that? I didn't understand. So I can direct your call, first I need you to enter --" (kids talking in the background) "What was that? I didn't understand. Let's try this another way. Push 1 on your --" (one of the kids coughs) "What was that? I didn't understand. So I can direct your call, first I need ---" (kids talking in the background) "What was that? I didn't understand...." And on and on until I finally got my billing number entered and quickly progressed through to the billing department without any more noises from my children. "If you have a question about your most recent bill, say billing question. If you want to hear about current promotions, say promotions." Well, neither, I think. But alas, she would give me no other options no matter what I tried. So I am on hold for a "billing question" person, who I suspect will direct me to yet another person or voice system who will still not be able to help me.

Wow, how efficient these new systems are! Ok, they probably are efficient for 95% of the questions or problems that come in, but for the other 5% of us who have an irregular question, it is really, really annoying.


Update: After waiting on hold for 10-15 minutes, they disconnected me!

I've been meaning to post pictures of Samuel crawling and pulling up. He still reverts to the army crawl sometimes, but we see him crawl on his knees as well. Here is a picture of him after his nap last Tuesday. I heard him talking in his room, so I went in to get him. I found him like this. He's been trying to pull up on everything for about a week now and is delighted when he succeeds.



He has also learned how to open cabinets, and his first tooth started coming in last Thursday. He is a lot of fun.

The kids and I went to GC last Thursday so Heath could have a "Guys' Weekend" here. We celebrated Ethan's birthday there with family. Here's a video of him blowing out his candles.

Yesterday, I took Jacob to his kindergarten well-child visit. We started kindergarten in August, but I never got around to taking him in for his shots, since I wasn't forced to by public school. The doctor was asking all sorts of questions, including what we were doing for school. After I told her we were homeschooling, Jacob said, "Yeah, but we're behind. Sometimes we don't do anything for... like, one or two months?" I laughed self-consciously and muttered something to the contrary.

When we got home, I tried to explain to Jacob how even if we don't use every school book every day, we are learning things every day; how even if it doesn't seem like school because it's fun, that it still counts as school at this age. I further explained how although we sometimes get behind in his science, history, or geography books, we aren't behind in his reading or math - in fact, we have been able to skip ahead in math because he had already mastered many of the concepts, so that is the reason our "workload" in that area has been less.

Anyway, it was kind of funny, even if it was embarrassing to me. I'm glad he doesn't think we are doing school, in a sense, because that means he doesn't feel like it's "cramping his style." On the other hand, it makes for difficult explanations to authority figures. I'm glad he doesn't think we're doing school when he practices writing words and sentences on scraps of paper or on the white board, when we play "games" of adding or subtracting numbers that Heath or I come up with on the spot, when we challenge him to fill in the missing number in a skip-counting sequence to keep him still at a restaurant, when we ask him to tell us the time, or allow him to sneak coins from Daddy's change basket so that he can gleefully count how much money he's collected. I'm glad he doesn't think of our bedtime reading from a chapter-book and the Bible as part of his school work, that he doesn't find it unusual or particularly scholarly when I casually discuss with him the next day what he and Daddy read the night before. That's just a part of normal life.

Perhaps more people would home school if they knew how natural and simple it can be. I know many don't because they are not otherwise at home full-time. But if you are already home full-time, then it is just a matter of seizing on opportunities that are constantly presenting themselves. Getting to observe and take part in my children's learning is really a blessing and the best part of my day. (I'll tell you about the hard parts of my day in a different blog entry...)

I do have a curriculum (which I highly recommend if you're interested), a lesson plan, and objectives that I constantly refer to, but I am often able to work the material into our lives in a very natural way simply by making the books available, offering to read to them, and talking to them about anything and everything in the world. I know as we move into first grade, second grade, third grade, and beyond, the material will require more sit-down, concentrated work to master. But hopefully, our habits of learning, pursuing knowledge and mastery of skills will be so ingrained by then that it still won't feel much like "school."

talking to the baby in the dishwasher

2008-1

Edit: If you click on the picture, you can watch a video of him. I'm not savvy enough yet to remember how to post the video itself.

almost crawling...

I saw this on thereligionofpeace.com, which was linked from someone's blog I was reading. I know some of you who read my blog are against the Iraq war, and I wondered what you thought about this. For that matter, if you support the Iraq war, I would like to hear what you think about it, too. Many of you might have previously seen iraqbodycount.net, which keeps track of civilian deaths in Iraq. This was obviously created in response to their counter.

The Real 2006
'Iraq Body Count'

16,791
Iraqi civilians killed last year by ISLAMIC Terrorists

225*
Iraqi civilians killed collaterally in incidents involving Americans
(and Islamic Terrorists)

Iraqis aren't
dying from war.
They are being murdered by
Islamic terrorists.

*Source: IraqBodyCount.net (includes civilians caught in crossfire who may have been killed by the terrorists, and terrorists who may have been counted as civilians)

Samuel started babbling last night! I was on the phone with Heath because he was letting me know he would be home late because of a thick sheet of ice on his windshield, and Samuel said "Da-da-ga-ja," or something to that effect. Apparently, he was telling Heath to get home quickly and safely.

His babbling had been limited to one or two isolated syllables up to this point. But today, he has been stringing together many syllables, and providing a continual monologue about his adventures. It is delightful. I am listening closely and hoping to hear him say "ma-ma" soon.

Today Jacob told me he was feeling pernicious. This was in response to me telling him to stop fighting with Ethan. He said he learned the word from "Word Girl." (PBS show)

Later, when he was chanting "Hungry, hungry!" at me, I told him that if he could use the word pernicious, then he could ask me for food with a full sentence. He said, "Mommy, it's per-nee-shus, not per-nih-shus." Apparently I pronounced it wrong? Or else Word Girl did, but it was probably me.

I stayed up reading until 1 am last night. I don't know when the last time I did that was! My mother-in-law sent us a book in the mail, and once I started reading it, I just couldn't put it down until I finished it. And it wasn't because I just had to know what was going to happen next, either. It was because this book was saying things to me that I desperately needed to hear!

The book is So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore, by Jake Colsen. (Don't worry, WM friends, the title of the book doesn't have anything to do with why I liked it.) The book is Jake's journal of 13 conversations with a close friend, occurring over the course of a four year period when his world is turned upside-down. It reminds me of the ideas that Karmen has shared with us that have changed her world over the last year. It reminds me of why we didn't want to be a part of certain churches anymore (this of course does not include Wheatland!). Most of all, it reminds me of the truth of God's unquenchable love and the reality of my inability to earn it or to be worthy of it - my inability to please him with my works done in my own strength, and the fact that He'd rather have me ditch those than have them get in the way of living in His love.

I started the day yesterday determined to be my own cognitive therapist - to journal the thoughts that were running through my head and to analyze which untrue or unproductive thoughts were causing me to get weighed down with anxiety or depression or confusion or anger. After a bit of thought, writing, and analysis, including an important discussion with Heath over the lunch hour, I felt like I had uncovered some of the thoughts and feelings that were troublesome to me, and replaced them with truer, more balanced ways of thinking. Then, when I began reading this book last night, it built on the process that had begun that morning, the process of ferreting out untrue and destructive thoughts and exposing them to the truth. It was a really good, much needed process, which will probably take a while to fully sink in and take root again. I say again because these truths are not new to me, but are things that I too easily forget and need to return to again and again.

So, in summary... If you want to be reminded of who God really is and to have your first love with Him renewed, you gotta get this book!

My friend Betsy posted her New Year's resolutions, and it made me think about my own. My problem is, when I consider things to change, I get bogged down thinking, "Now is that thing really important enough for the effort it will require?" For instance, I'd like to keep my house continually clean enough for company to drop in. However, company never drops in, so it's hard to motivate myself. Also, it takes quite a bit of work to maintain it at that level all the time. Do I really care that much? It helps when we have frequent weekend visitors because I keep doing a little bit each day, thinking, "I don't want to have to work myself to death the day before they get here to make it presentable." Thus, it's been in pretty good shape for 2 weeks. So who's coming next weekend? Anyone?

The one thing I know I want to do is eat less calories than I expend, i.e. lose weight. But that has been a resolution for most of my adult life, with more success at times and dismal failure at others. I also want to be a better wife and mother - every day and night I think about that one. Particularly in the way of being more consistently laid back, less moody, and having confidence in the right way to deal with misbehavior from the boys every time (I really need to figure out/decide what exactly that entails). I feel like there are a lot of things on my mind that fall into the "need to figure that out" category... Maybe I should make a list of those and see how many I have figured out by the end of the year.

So, anyone else have New Year's resolutions?