Captain Destructo strikes again

Heath started calling Samuel Mr. Destructo a few weeks ago, a very apt nickname considering the shenanigans he pulls off, such as pulling everything out of drawers and off shelves and dumping an entire box of spagetti on the kitchen floor - quick as lightening, before I can do anything to stop him. Then, last week we sent some funny pictures to our families, one of which was this (with a smudge for privacy):

My brother, Jeff, wrote back that Samuel looks like a superhero with his goggles on, and we told Jeff that he is a superhero - Mr. Destructo. Jeff suggested it should be Captain Destructo instead, and we all decided that the goggles alone are a fitting costume for him, since it allows him to cap off his adventures by leaving a puddle for me to clean up. (He had the goggles on from the bathtub, to keep water out of his eyes when we washed his hair. He climbed out of the bathtub by himself and took off running around the house to air dry - didn't want a towel and certainly didn't want the goggles taken off. )

Well, today Captain Destructo has been in fine form. I should have known I was in for it earlier this morning when I caught him with the safety scissors that had been on the table, opening and closing them over and over really quickly. I confiscated them and the other pair from the table and put them up high. Then, I had to go help Ethan in the bathroom. He took this opportunity to climb onto the dining room table and sweep everything off it, including a stack of school papers, a chess board and all the pieces, Chutes and Ladders, flash cards, crayons and construction paper, and some instructions and parts leftover from installing a new ceiling fan this weekend. Before I could get that cleaned up, I caught him tearing open the flash cards box and taking them out, so I put those up. Next, he brought me an Animal Baby magazine with the cover newly torn off . He went straight from there to the kitchen, where he picked a couple of items out of the trash under the sink. After I removed him from there and put the items back in the trash, he started putting crayons down the heating vent. After I dug those out and took the crayons away, he asked for a bite of the apple I was eating. I handed it to him, and he threw it back at me without taking a bite, where it landed on the laptop keyboard. At this point, I decided I should take him downstairs where there are more toys and less things to damage. We all headed in the direction of the stairs, and I thought Samuel was following like usual. Instead, I discovered he had stopped at the top of the stairs to throw some shoes down the stairs from the living room. I went and retrieved him and carried him downstairs. Now he's playing with some actual toys, so hopefully his reign of chaos is over for the moment.

It's funny, he will play alone for a long time sometimes, longer than I remember either of my first two playing alone. But when he is not engrossed in toys, he can cause a lot of destruction in a short amount of time! Good thing he's so cute to make up for it.

As a bonus, here are a couple of pictures of Jacob and Ethan, also from the set we sent to family last week. Jacob has really taken off with his reading, and Ethan loves to sit really close and listen to whatever new book Jacob is attempting to master. He even fell asleep on Jacob one evening when we were reading before bed.

sales pressure woes

I really dislike interacting with sales people.  It's funny, because my dad was a salesman, but I don't think he was the kind of salesman I'm talking about.  I remember in high school, when I would go shopping at the "cool stores" in the mall, and when the salesperson approached I always tried to act as disinterested as possible and tell them I was just browsing.  I would get so annoyed at my mom during these trips because she would often have the audacity to actually speak with the salesperson and tell them what we were shopping for!  That, and I was a teenager, so I was frequently annoyed with my mom.  But my point is, I have long avoided interaction with salespeople, so much do I dislike the anxiety it creates in me.  As you might imagine, trying to shop for souvenirs in third world countries was a nightmare for me.

Well, we're in the midst of this furnace shopping ordeal.  Not quite third world bartering, but I was surprised by the amount of sales tactics I had to endure today.  It just leaves me feeling... BAD inside.  Yet I know the salesman is just trying to do his job and is probably doing a really good job at it, actually.  I'm sure his pitch allows a lot of customers to feel really good about spending a lot of money on his product, and he probably brings in really good revenues for his company.  I, on the other hand, would rather buy the furnace on the internet in order to save $600, and then find someone qualified to install it for me.  You think I'm joking, but I'm actually not.  

I had the sheer stupidity to ask this salesperson (who I initially mistook for a furnace technician, or I might not have asked the question) how much it would cost just for installation if we purchased our own product.  (Sigh.)  I could immediately tell he did NOT like the idea and thought it was an utterly ridiculous suggestion.  When he asked if I had the equipment there for him to see, and I told him we hadn't decided whether to order 80% or 95% efficiency yet, and that part of that depended on estimates we got for installation, he seized on what he perceived as my ineptitude, and proceeded to tell me how there was a LOT more to it than just efficiency and how a regular person couldn't possibly know how to choose a furnace for themselves because there are a lot of factors to consider etc. etc.  He stopped long enough to ask how I was planning on choosing a furnace.  I told him we'd gotten an estimate from another company first, and we were basing our size on what they recommended, plus on internet research I'd done to corroborate their recommendation.  He went into his speech again about how furnaces aren't sized like they used to be, there are a lot more factors to consider, and how he is an expert at this and very good at what he does and he would be able to tell us the proper size and to make sure that nothing was off with any little part of it that could make the whole system not work as well.

See, what I do when people talk to me like this is I kind of freeze and open my eyes wide and nod attentively, and say, "oh!" and "uh-huh."  I don't like to argue, so I don't tell him that I've spent the last couple of weeks perusing the HVAC forums online and reading articles, and that I know about the Manual J calcs and all the info that needs to go into them, i.e. insulation amounts, window sizes, roof material, siding material, as well as square feet. How I am perfectly aware the other company we got the quote from did not do a Manual J calc and instead based their recommendation on our square footage, as many HVAC contractors still do in order to save time, despite the industry agreeing the Manual J calc is the best way to size a system.  I don't tell him that I know there is a lot more to choosing a furnace than simply choosing 80% or 90% efficiency, that I know we also have to choose the number of BTUs for the furnace and number of tons for the AC and whether to choose R22 or R410A refrigerant, and that I have already researched what the proper size is likely to be for our home online.  Instead, I stand there and nod, probably giving the appearance that I am eagerly listening and amazed at what I'm being told.

After he finishes his spiel, he asks me what I want to do.  I think, "Huh?  I thought I already told you?"  But I try to play along.  "Well...  Let's do this.  I'd like to get a quote for what it would cost to install a system if we did purchase the equipment from your company."  He's at my house already, and I figure it will be helpful to see a comparison to the other quote we had gotten.  Maybe his would be lower or he would convince me for some other reason to go with his company and not order the equipment online.  I am giving him a fair chance.  Besides, I am truly interested in what the Manual J calc will turn out, if it will match the square footage estimate or not.  I was too cheap to buy the $49 homeowners version to perform the calculation myself.

Right after I agreed to this, Heath walked in the door.  Thank God!  I had been thinking the whole time the man was speaking to me, "Heath, I told you I didn't want to tell the guy we wanted to buy the system online, but you told me he wouldn't be offended, that it's just business.  Don't ever make me do this again!"  I called Heath downstairs, and  begged off that I had to finish cooking lunch.  I could hear the man giving his spiel to Heath now.

Heath came upstairs after a little while and asked in a hushed voice, "How much did you say the system online cost?"  I told him.  "He said it would be ....!"  And named an amount 2.5 times larger than ordering online and hiring the first company we'd contacted to do installation only. We sat and ate our lunch in uneasy silence until the salesman came up to ask us some more questions.  He went outside to do some more calculations, and I told Heath he could not leave again until the salesman was gone.  Finally, he came back in and sat down with us to explain what product he was going to recommend, although he did not have the estimate ready yet because he still had to put all the numbers into the Manual J calc program and see which size we would need.  We would need to set up another meeting to discuss the actual estimate. He reiterated how important it was to have experts do the job and do it right, and how he was an expert and would make sure the job was done right, and how it was highly unlikely the quote would be any less than such-and-such amount.  He said that if someone else gave us a quote as low as the amount Heath had mentioned that we should turn and run from them because they were going to do a poor job.

I knew we were in trouble when at the end of the presentation he complimented us on how he could tell we were really taking in everything he said and wanted to understand it (I'm telling you, it's the big doe eyes and the constant nodding and uh-huh-ing).  How it wasn't our fault we didn't know these things (um, we actually did), and that if people would just take the time to explain it... (making a jab at the competitor).  He also said, "Sounds good?" at the end of his presentation, like he was fairly sure we'd bought everything he'd said and were convinced.  I finally gave my only indication of hesitation, saying "Well, we'll have to consider... " and trailing off impotently.  Heath said something that sounded more confident but just as vague.

(Sigh again.)  

We set up another meeting time to get the actual estimate.  I told Heath that I'm trying to give the guy a fair chance still, and I will consider his product and the reasons he gave us for going with their (way) more expensive quote.

Plus, I want to see that Manual J calc before I order our system online, anyway. 

please vote in my poll

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this choice and what makes the most sense. Maybe some of you can offer perspective. Please vote in the poll on the right, and comment on this post if you have anything else to say about it. Thank you!

friends

Does anyone remember when I said in a post a while back how I was concerned that Ethan was missing something by not going to preschool? How I was concerned that he wasn't getting appropriate stimulation, that he seemed bored and restless at home with me all day, and wanted to just play video games and watch TV?

Well, Jacob's friendship with the neighbor boy, who we call Ethan H. in order to distinguish from our Ethan (yes, it is confusing), has been a double blessing in that Ethan H. has a little brother, Aiden, who is 4, just like our Ethan. At first, our Ethan would only go over to their house with Jacob after school and seemed to be more interested in what the big boys were doing (i.e. cool video games) than what Aiden was playing. But gradually Ethan and Aiden have developed their own friendship, and now Ethan wants to have Aiden come over during the day. It has worked out splendidly. I feel like it's mini-preschool for him, a chance to socialize and learn to get along with others his own age, minus circle time. He is no longer nagging me or sitting in front of a screen; he is outside hunting monsters or rediscovering his toys in the playroom through the fresh eyes of his friend. It is a really a huge blessing. I feel like God has met our need in a way that I could not have anticipated and in a way that I am actually more pleased with than I would have been with taking him to preschool, I think.

Here are a couple of pictures of them being silly today. Notice the weapons they carry, which are vital to backyard adventures, where droids or monsters may need to be killed at any second.

night terrors

One of the challenges we have had to face as parents of Jacob is enduring his night terrors and loving him through them.

He hadn't had one for quite a while - months, I'd say, or has it even been a year? - until this week. If you aren't familiar with night terrors, let me explain. A night terror is not a bad dream. There is no waking up and discussing the dream and being comforted. In fact, the person experiencing it doesn't even remember it the next morning and is usually impossible to awaken. Rather, it is more related to sleep walking and other sleep disorders than it is to nightmares. It begins with the child waking up screaming. You go in to comfort the child but are completely unable to comfort him, and in fact, your touches may provoke more screaming and writhing. So, realizing it is a night terror, you wait it out, watching over the child to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. After a while, he calms down, usually abruptly. He is peacefully back asleep, while your nerves are rattled and shaken.

It seems that Jacob's night terrors are often triggered by his allergies and asthma. It seems that if he doesn't have full capacity to breathe, when he slips into a deep sleep he awakens screaming. For a while, when he would frequently awaken screaming, we knew it meant one of two things - he needed to pee and was painfully holding it but unable to wake up enough to get to the bathroom, or he needed his inhaler. If he was very tired, his brain wouldn't even attempt to wake him up to get to the bathroom, but he would wake up with breathing trouble no matter what, and more often than not, he was in the night terror state. In other words, it was no use trying to talk to him. So, we have given many inhaler and breathing treatments through screams. We always figured, at least he was sucking in big breaths of the medicine.

So last night, close to 11 pm, Jacob abruptly jumped down from his bed and stumbled out to the couch and curled up into a ball. He would not respond to me at all, but he wasn't screaming either. I was getting ready to go to bed, and Heath was already in bed, so I went to get Heath to carry Jacob back to bed, thinking maybe he was just making a sleepy attempt to escape his bed. I stayed in our bedroom, but shortly heard screaming, and came out to find Jacob partially in Heath's arms, both sitting on the floor, and Jacob screaming blood-curdling screams and kicking and writhing. We made the normal attempts to communicate with him, and then sat back to wait it out together, talking in soothing voices and keeping him from kicking hard objects. Eventually I suggested that we try putting him in the bed between us, so that maybe he would know he was safe and calm down. Thankfully, it worked. Or maybe it was just time for the night terror to be over. Near the end, when he was still screaming, I was trying to stroke his hair or arm, and Heath reminded me that it doesn't help, it seems to just irritate him more. Finally, he abruptly stopped screaming. He reached up and tucked his right ear in, like he used to while sucking his binky. Heath and I looked at each other and nodded; it was over for now. In seconds he was conked out in a deep peaceful sleep. I laid next to him and let my arm rest next to his raised arm, next to his chest so I could feel his deep, steady breaths, and we let him stay in our bed for a little while.

I am always struck by how our children being in danger brings out a deep, almost primal love from within us. I know the night terrors are harmless, but seeing his face frozen in an expression of terror with mouth wide open screaming still triggers that response in me. The feelings and the situation itself seem to underscore the nature of my relationship with my firstborn. Tumult cushioned by fierce dedication. Perplexity moderated by deep attachment and delight in exactly who he is.

There has been more drama and emotion in my relationship with him than with my other children, and sometimes I say it's because he is more like me, but I don't really know that that's the case. He wants to be near someone all the time; I need time alone. He still throws violent, unpredictable, lengthy tantrums; I indulged only in milder tantrums typical for young children and outgrew them at a typical age. He has resisted almost every direction I've ever given him; I am very uncomfortable breaking the rules. But still, even when he resists me and pushes my buttons, even when I am most perplexed at his insistent struggle to have complete control over every detail of his own life, his emotions resonate with me. I think maybe it is a suspicion that the only difference between him and I is that I am quietly angry and quietly rebellious and quietly struggling to control every detail of my life, while he is dramatically so. (Yet aren't we all quietly struggling with things like this to some degree?) So, hopefully, as I discover ways to confront my quiet anger and rebellion and desire for control, I can help him deal with his. In the meanwhile, I will fiercely love and protect him.

Destine and Matt C. were in town this weekend for a wedding, and we had the privilege of hosting them at our house.  One of the neat things about it was watching their 14-month old, Eowyn, and our 16-month old, Samuel, play side by side.  I had Heath take this picture of them standing together so you could see what a giant Samuel appeared to be next to her.  She is pretty sweet. 

It was so nice to see them again and to catch up a little.  I always feel like we pick up right where we left off -  like time has passed and things have happened, but we're still just as at ease with one another and still enjoy each other's company just as much.  It makes me sad when they leave because I'm reminded how much we miss them and would enjoy seeing them more often. Yet, we're glad they have the good life they have where they are, and we are fortunate to be able to stay in touch through email, facebook, and phone.

I am supposed to leave some of the pictures for Heath to post on his blog, so you can go there to see the picture of their whole family together and some more of Wednesday, Eowyn and Samuel playing.

[Edit - for those of you who don't already know Destine and Matt... Destine was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and Matt was one of Heath's roommate the same year.  Destine and Matt started dating first, and got married the summer after Sophomore year; Heath and I started dating maybe 6 months after them and got married summer after Junior year.  They live in CO now where Destine is a nurse and Matt is a stay-at-home Dad while continuing to pursue music and art on the side.  Their daughter Wednesday is 10 now and in 5th grade, and daughter Eowyn is 14 months.]

I...

Betsy tagged me, so I will give this a shot.

I am - a Christian, a wife, a mother.

I want - to lose weight.

I have - three wonderful little boys.

I wish - sometimes, that life was easier.

I hate - cruelty and deception.

I fear - losing a child or my husband.

I hear - little boy make-believe noises for cars racing, planes flying, and heroes fighting.

I search - for answers to my questions and for little boy socks and shoes every morning.

I wonder - how the future will turn out.

I always - kiss my children goodnight and kiss my husband goodbye.

I usually - stay up too late.

I am not - picky.

I dance - less often as I used to, usually only with my children.

I sing - several times a day, often while changing diapers (to get a wiggly boy to lie still).

I never - run for exercise.

I rarely - bake.

I cry - when I feel desperately sad and rarely otherwise.

I am not always - confident.

I lose - my patience with whining, nagging, and stalling.

I'm confused - about some aspects of my faith lately.

I need - to avoid illness as much as possible this winter.

I should -  repaint the walls in almost every upstairs room of our house.

I dream - that someday we will be free of debt.

I TAG - Calana, Melanie, Kim, Kelsey

In the spirit of honesty and openness...  

I am feeling confused, maybe even disillusioned, lately about my role or position.  Does it even matter that I am home with my kids?    

When I first started staying home, it was so very important to me. Important enough to justify major financial consequences.  I think I had a pretty good idea at that time of the reasons it was important to me, to our family.  It seems that as more years have passed, more of that sense of purpose and importance of what I am doing has faded - especially during the times when I haven't felt like I was doing a very good job.

I have to admit, sending Jacob to school precipitated some of these feelings.  As long as we were convinced home schooling was the best thing, the thing we wanted and needed to do despite the sacrifices, then there was a clear purpose and important reason for me to be home for each of the children.  Once we decided to send him to school, and subsequently saw how good it seemed to be for him, I had to rethink my reasons for being home.  If our kids are all on track to start public school at age 5, then it begins to change my perspective on my role.

Ethan, too, could be in preschool for 3 hours a day this year (and I wish he was, but that's another story).  I have no doubt he would be fine with that; in fact, he would probably love it.  It seems that he needs my involvement on a daily, minute-by-minute basis less each year.  ("Of course," the rest of you are saying, but I am slow to realize these things sometimes.)  So I already see my role changing in his life, too, and I have struggled to know what place I am supposed to have and how or why my every day, all day involvement is still important.  I provide toys and games and art supplies and books, but he seems to want to watch TV or play video games most of the time lately (of course, part of the reason for this is him being sick often during the last several weeks and needing to lie around).  I feel like I allow him too much screen time, but I'm not sure of how else to direct him.  After shutting off the TV, I am faced with a whining, complaining, nagging little boy.  So that definitely puts me in a position of being "involved" in his daily life, but not in a way that makes me feel more effective or purposeful.  So far, I have felt pretty defeated and burned out by his whining and nagging.  Even though I do my best to never give in, I don't feel like we have made much progress in breaking these bad habits.  If we ever do get past the whining and nagging, I'm not sure what my role would be with him right now.  I want to encourage him to play independently, while still being involved on whatever level is helpful or appropriate, but I'm not sure what that looks like at this stage in his development.  I also worry that he is not getting the stimulation he needs at this age because of not being in preschool (but like I said, we can't do much about that right now).  So, all this tends to make me feel ineffective and lacking direction in my role as at-home Mommy to Ethan.  

Being home with Samuel has more of a clear purpose for me.  He obviously needs my constant supervision and lots of interaction.  I know I am doing the right things for him, providing experiences and things to explore, talking to him and reading to him and encouraging him.  Being home with him ensures he and I stay closely bonded, it allows me to control his sleep schedule more closely and ensure he is getting the rest he needs, it allows me to monitor what he's been eating and yes, even his pooping and peeing, as well as noticing any illnesses he may come down with right away and monitoring those closely.  (Boy, does that make me sound like a control freak, or what?)  But more than all those things, I just love watching my kids grow and develop at this age.  It is so amazing to be a part of their growth when they are so quickly mastering their environment and their own bodies.  So, you can see, I can justify my need and desire to be home with him much more easily than I could if I was only home for Ethan and Jacob.

Maybe that should be enough, being sure that I need to be home for Samuel. But it's not enough for me.  Feeling ineffective with Ethan and adjusting to not being needed by Jacob from 8:00 am - 3:20 pm each day are enough to cause me to feel confused and unsure about my role.

I'm finding being clear about my purpose is important for my own mental health, too.  I have struggled with depression off and on for years, as I have previously discussed on this blog.  I struggle more with it when I don't feel effective in my role here at home.  And then I get caught in a vicious cycle in which feeling depressed about it actually makes me less effective which makes me more depressed which makes me even less effective, and on and on.  It's a classic problem with depression - you feel too frozen to get up and do the very things that would help you not to feel depressed and frozen. Ug. 

I'm not sure how to regain that sense of purpose and effectiveness in my days.  Since I feel comfortable in my role with Samuel, it would seem I need to focus on making sure I am doing the right things with or for Ethan during his time at home with me.  Perhaps that would restore my confidence and sense of purpose.

My poor little guy! A big, big bump

For the full story and a better picture, see Nattyman's post.

focus

Today, I've been focusing on the positive. The good, enjoyable things about life. Like good food and drink. The beautiful mature trees in my back yard, and the way the light filters down through their leaves. The call of a little bird amidst the morning quiet. The cute things my kids do and say - like Samuel pushing the pretend mower with his little sun glasses on, which he wants to wear all the time either on his face or the top of his head, unless he can find a hat, which is his other favorite thing to wear; and like Ethan telling me "You just have to get used to it," when I told him I didn't enjoy playing video games nearly as much as he did. Good stories, in literature or on screen. Comfortable clothes and furniture.

Here are a couple of happy pictures to go with the positive focus. Samuel on his trike, with his sunglasses.

better

Surprisingly, things have been going okay these last few days. (Thank you for your prayers and support!) Heath has been very productive at work as a strategy to keep his mind off the tense, sad environment, which is absolutely the best thing he could be doing, since there is more work now. Several people are already interested in the open positions, and one person in Heath's department is being trained to help pick up the slack. So the 10 or 12 hour days I anticipated haven't materialized yet. If they get someone to fill the positions quickly, maybe they won't be necessary.

My ear/body ailment is getting progressively better - I actually felt pretty rested after 8 hours of sleep last night, instead of feeling like I really needed a couple more hours. The pressure is still there, but not causing enough pain to take ibuprofen anymore. So this is all good news!

A new, sweet development for our family is the presence of some neighborhood friends for our two oldest boys. Two houses down are two little boys ages 6 and 4. How have we lived here for two years and not played with them? I know, pretty crazy. Jacob finally met the older boy in his class at school. They sit next to each other and have become "best friends" and play every day on the monkey bars at recess together. They seem to be sweet boys, and their daddy is nice and apparently normal (in this day and age, you almost feel like you should provide background checks for each other before letting your kids play at one another's houses, but we resisted that urge). He is mostly a stay-at-home dad since he only works eight 24-hour days a month as a fireman. He takes the kids to stay at their grandma's house for those eight days, I guess. So, now that our boys realize these boys are available to play almost any time, they want to play with them all the time! It's cute, and I don't really know how to handle it. Like, right now I'm telling Ethan it is too early in the morning - mostly because I haven't showered yet. The daddy doesn't seem to mind letting his boys play with ours as much as they want, so I just hope if it does become too much he'll feel free to speak up.

Oh, but a crazy scary thing about this - Last night we were all out front washing the cars and using sidewalk chalk. Heath and I were both keeping an eye on Samuel, because he is pretty adventurous. We had been checking with each other periodically to make sure he was in sight, and this time, Heath asked me if Samuel was up by the garage, and I said "No..." and we realized he was out of sight and we had no idea where he was! We totally freaked out, all four of us started shouting for him and branching out down both sides of the street with Heath standing in the middle of the street to try to see him and block any cars that would come zooming down with Samuel possibly in the middle of the street. After a few scary minutes, we heard our neighbor with the two little boys say, "He's down here!" Apparently, after walking down to the little friends' house several times, Samuel had learned the way. He had toddled down the sidewalk and up onto their porch and was petting their cat. The four year old had come to the door, and he and Samuel were waving through the glass to each other, and this is how the daddy had discovered him. Normally when we call Samuel's name he responds, "Yeah!" But not this time. When I went to get him, he put his hand up to push me away - he wanted to stay. Crazy kid. I am so glad he was okay!

seriously

We really did not need a crisis right now.

We're still worn out and behind on everything because of sickness. My ears are still incredibly plugged up and uncomfortable, and Heath and I both still feel a general weakness and malaise. (On a bright note, the kids, including Jacob, seem to be in great health.)

So in the midst of feeling weak and vulnerable, we find out yesterday that the other two designers in Heath's department have been fired. No warning, no time to go back and get their things, just ordered to leave and not come back. (There was an offense involved, but nothing anyone in the department anticipated these guys getting fired over.)

This means two things for our family. 1) Heath's work load just tripled. 2) We are thrown into a state of constant anxiety, wondering if Heath is going to be fired next. (Like I said, this was not an offense anyone expected to be fired for.)

Heath is sick with tension. I can't even contemplate how I'm going to do things on my own for the next however long while Heath is working 10-12 hour days (if he can manage to get any work done through the tension!). We already were struggling with feeling like we never get to rest and never get time away from the kids (because we can't afford babysitting and because we can't seem to get the house clean enough to bring a babysitter in even if we could afford it). How are we going to feel after several weeks or months of this?

I guess for today, I just cope the best that I can. Hopefully this headache will go away in a minute, and maybe I can get the dishes done at some point today. Other than that, I don't have any ideas.

catch-up

I have been away from my blog for the last week because our family has been sick.  Jacob started getting chills, fever, and body aches starting Monday night, until Thursday noon-ish, when his fever was finally gone without medicine... for a few hours.  Then it surged up again late Thursday afternoon, and he started having trouble with his asthma.  We took him in to the urgent care clinic, and they did a chest x-ray and discovered he has pneumonia.  He is on antibiotics now and seems to be doing much better.  His fever is gone, and he is eating and playing again.

Early Tuesday morning, around 3:30 am, I woke up with a horrible earache.  I tried everything I could think of for the pain, and finally made it to the doctor at 10:50 am.  (Which is its own crazy story, see Nattyman's blog.)  My eardrum had ruptured.  So that explains the excruciating pain.  I am on antibiotics, steroids, and high-powered pain killers as needed.  The pain isn't so bad now, but my ears still feel totally full of fluid, and it's quite uncomfortable.  I will be so happy when it drains!  I am doing everything the doctor and I can come up with to make it happen more quickly, but it's just not happening yet.

Well, now that I got that out of the way, there have actually been a few things on my mind I wanted to write about.  I wanted to share some of the funny things Ethan has said over the last month or two.

E - "What's that smell?"  (as we go outside to get in the van, shortly after I had changed the fuel filter)

me - "It's probably gasoline."

E - "No. [convinced]  Smells like warthogs."

E - [drinking from our water bottle in the car on the way home from CO, says with suspicion in his voice...] "Is this toilet water?"

There was one more funny quote, but I can't remember it now.  I'll come back and add it if I can remember it...

Jacob lost both his front teeth this week.  The first one he swallowed while taking a drink here at home.  The second he swallowed while jumping on a friend's trampoline.  For the first tooth, he wanted a butterfly style yo-yo from the "tooth fairy."  For the second, he wanted a dollar and a half (which I provided in 6 shiny state quarters from different states).  He knows it's us, of course, so it is funny when he tells us exactly what he wants under his pillow.  

I think he looks very cute.

Finally, I have had some more thoughts about making space in our full lives for each other.  We had our back-to-school picnic at church last week.  After coming home from it, I was thinking how making space in our lives for each other doesn't have to mean opening our homes, although that can certainly be an effective way to accomplish it and is certainly still a goal for me.  But, as in the case of the picnic, sometimes it means sharing our resources and our time and our hearts with each other, even though no one's home is being shared.  Being willing to be open and transparent with each other and have true fellowship.  Being willing to forgo normal routines or schedules for an evening in order to share life with each other.  So, this was encouraging, to see that I can make space for others, and I can experience them making space for me, even though I haven't yet learned how to keep my home open for others as much as I'd like.  And it was reassuring that although an open door is sometimes what people desperately need - someone they can call or come to at any time, whenever the need is greatest - that still, scheduled time for each other is part of making space, too.  In fact, it is probably a necessary part of keeping our lives open for each other, and the non-scheduled, as-the-need-arises time together flows from our scheduled times together.

I am going to end my catch-up entry here, as my super-dose of ibuprofen is making me sleepy.  As a last word, I will say, I am praying for the hurricane victims, especially those in Haiti who are so vulnerable and helpless.  Our church partners with a church down there, and I hope and pray we can aid the victims both in body and spirit, as they must be so disheartened right now.

reflections on the change

Now that Jacob has been in school for several weeks, I can reflect a bit on the decision and the effect it seems to have had so far.

The main reason we decided to make a change was the feeling that it would relieve some pressure in our home environment. It is hard for me to judge yet how much it has actually done that. For one thing, I never formally started the school year with Jacob, although we had started a few of the books for fun or to practice. So I don't know how difficult or easy it might have been to go through the first grade school work with him.

Beyond that, though, I no longer have to deal with the fighting between Jacob and Ethan during the day. That is one variable that is no longer there. Yet, I now notice that Ethan throws quite a lot of fits all by himself. It's funny how that became more apparent once Jacob was gone to school all day, whereas before I attributed most of the chaos to the two boys' interaction rather than to one person's tantrums. I am able to focus more individually on Ethan with his fit-throwing and try to guide him out of this pattern/phase without distraction or complication from Jacob, so I think that is probably easier. Jacob took longer than the average child to grow out of fit-throwing, too. I remember reading that tantrums should rarely or never happen by such-and-such age, when Jacob was already past that age and thinking, "Oh no!" Now I know that he was just slow to outgrow it, as is Ethan apparently. I hope that doesn't reflect on our parenting, but maybe is just some genetic variable out of my control?

As far as how it compares educationally, I see advantages to our home program and advantages to the school program. Our history, geography, and science were fantastic compared to the school's program, which is mostly nonexistent because of the focus on reading and math. Which is okay - we are still reading our science and history books at home, although in an impromptu, not scheduled fashion. It's too bad all the kids can't get the history and science he is getting, because it's just great, but then again, that is his area of interest. Some of them might be bored to death by it. Maybe many of the parents do read science and history books to their children at home if there is an interest.

The reading/language arts program is not necessarily more comprehensive than our home program, but it is much more intensive. They spend so much time on it! Our goals or strategies for home schooling were to do guided reading with him for 10-30 minutes a day (working up to more time as he got more fluent), doing a few language arts exercises and dictation exercises that might take 15-30 minutes a day, and a phonics workbook that might take 10-15 minutes each day. In school they spend 90-120 minutes on reading and language arts each day!

I guess this is okay. It is hard for me to swallow at first, because I came into the homeschooling movement on the coat tails of Raymond and Dorothy Moore, via James Dobson's book Bringing Up Boys. Raymond Moore worked for the US Department of Education in the late 70's and did a huge study (published as Better Late than Early and later as School Can Wait) on the ideal age for beginning formal education, concluding that it was not until 8-10 years of age that children were really developmentally ready for formal, sit-down-in-a-classroom education. These findings especially applied to boys, who were more likely to be developmentally immature. So, the desire to avoid hours spent at a desk trying to learn to read and write before the child was developmentally ready to focus on the task was part of the reason we had tried to home school in the first place. Putting him in an environment where he is in fact focusing on learning to read and write for 1.5-2 hours a day is the biggest switch for me. I sort of feel like I have betrayed the belief that I had come to hold about that. But thankfully, early formal education doesn't seem to be hurting Jacob. (yet?) Obviously, each child is unique in their development and personality traits and that determines how they'll respond to a classroom at this age. I have a hard time thinking it is necessary to force him or any child to read at a certain level at this age, but as long as he is not hating the time spent on it, I figure that is okay. Right? However, if there is anything that could make me want to go back to home schooling, him struggling with the demands of sitting still and practicing reading and writing for two hours a day would be it. I do not want him to grow to hate school and learning because of those pressures or because of a feeling that he is "failing" early on in these areas - when I know he is perfectly intelligent enough to someday be a fantastic reader but may simply have a short attention span at this age. So, I will keep a close eye on that. But so far, so good. I have actually been quite impressed to see how his reading abilities have grown over the last few weeks. Maybe I would have seen those same gains with our home education program, too; I can't know for sure now.

Apparently the language arts consists of small group guided reading and centers. I think the guided reading is comparable to guided reading we would have done at home and includes similar activities that we would have done for language arts and dictation. (I am able to view his reading textbooks online with a login the teacher gave us.) The main difference, as far as I can tell, which accounts for all the extra time, is the centers. One of the centers is computer games, one is a listening center (i.e. books with audio to read along), and the others seem to be phonics games and the like. Good activities, surely, but like I said, I just wouldn't have "forced" him to spend that much time on reading and language arts at this age, unless he was interested and seemed to want that much instruction and practice. But as long as he doesn't complain and still seems to like school... It can't hurt, right? I seem to need to reassure myself of this...

As for math, I have no problem with what they have been doing, although it is amusing to me to see him bring home papers on tally marks and "one greater than," when he knows how to multiply and counts easily by 2s, 3s, 4s, 5s, etc. (Sorry, I'm bragging a little bit :-) The kid can't get enough of math. But he seems to still think his math at school is fun, and somehow is not bored by an hour lesson on concepts he mastered last year, so I guess that is okay. It's good for a person to feel he is really good in an area and not to have to worry about it. We can continue to make a game of multiplication flash cards at home. Maybe they will pick up the pace as the year progresses.

All I have heard about PE is them marching and playing some sort of game involving bouncing a ball over a line. All I have heard about Music is them doing the hokie pokie and one or two little songs he has sung for us. I sincerely hope there is more to these "special" classes than what I hear, or else the taxpayers are really wasting their money. I assume there is much more direction and purpose that I am simply not hearing from my selective-memory six-year-old. :-) I am continuing our own music education and PE programs with him - i.e. piano lessons with Calana and sports at the YMCA. He is loving football right now, and if it isn't cute to see a bunch of six-year-olds hike the ball and run a play! Next is basketball, then soccer, then t-ball and swimming lessons again. Gotta love the Y. (Of course I won't make him enroll in any of these sports, it's just that so far he has been eager to try them.)

He loves computer lab, as I knew he would, and I wonder why it didn't occur to me that the time he spent playing educational computer games at home was legitimate "school" time? Heck, he could have done that almost all day (if I let him). He loved the keyboarding program and wants us to buy the program for home, and now he has been working on a Reader Rabbit program, too - I'm not sure if that is in computer lab or in his classroom during centers. He is amazed by the Library, for they have the entire collection of Magic School Bus books to check out.

Of course, best of all, there are friends. He informs me almost each day where he stands with friends - so and so is now his best friend, so and so is also a friend now, so and so is almost a friend, or close to becoming one. I am glad to see him excited to see other little boys and girls. I am surprised he does not discriminate yet - he is just as interested in the little girls being his friends as the little boys. One little girl is named "Cimmaren" - and I wonder if she is really named "Cinammon." But he insists it is Cimmaren.

So, in conclusion, I think it is working out. It gives me a break from the fighting, he is growing in his reading ability and making some friends, and he says he likes it. I have a few doubts I struggle with still about the amount of time he is made to practice reading and language arts each day, but as long as he doesn't seem to mind, we will stick with it. He could be watching Science Channel and playing during the extra hours at home, instead... But this is okay.

full

We talk at WM about making space in our lives for each other. We try to practice it. Yet, it has become more and more apparent to me how really difficult this is.

Everyone's life is full. Every one I know, including myself, maxes out their life. We have no room to help each other, for the most part.

I want to have the sort of home where people can just drop in, where it is always open for anyone who needs me or simply needs a place to hang out where they feel safe and welcomed. But I am not there yet. If a friend called and really needed me, I hope I would drop everything to be there for them, even if it meant them seeing my embarrassingly messy house or my unshowered, ungroomed self. But more often than not, I am not challenged on this issue, because we are so reticent to ask each other for help.

Part of the reason I write this is to see if maybe I am just in this isolated phase of life where it seems this way. Maybe by nature of the stage I am in, all the people around me seem to have a very full life. I just know that if I am struggling, I don't want to burden my friends who are also at home with small children, because they are just as overwhelmed and stressed out at times as I am. Friends who don't have small children at home usually have jobs or other responsibilities while their older children are at school, and often evening activities or responsibilities as well. Friends without any children at home usually have full-time jobs and often evening responsibilities as well, or must use the evening to rest and recover from the pressure and activity of their full-time day jobs. I start to lose my mind from the monotony and stress of being with my children 24/7, and I certainly need reprieve, but Heath comes home from the pressure of his full-time job and needs rest, too. We are both in the same boat, as is everyone else we know.

It seems that we need to make acquaintance with some retired people. Isn't that how our parents did it? I know Heath and I spent a lot of time at our retired grandparents homes. Hardly anyone I know has retired grandparents for their children anymore, though. Our society is much too productive for that. If they are not working, it is probably because they are incapacitated, and possibly in a nursing home.

When all of us max out our lives with no room for stumbling or falling behind for ourselves or anyone else, the only option we are left with is paid help when the need arise. There are day cares, Mom's Day Out programs, and babysitters, housekeeping and laundry services, even, to offer help to families needing a helping hand while raising their children. The problem is, not everyone can afford these reprieves. So what do we do? I personally don't see the solution. How in our modern world and society can we ever offer each other any help, when we are barely able to meet our responsibilities ourselves?

boxer book

Jacob has a 3-ring folder that he brings home from school each night called his "boxer book" - because it has a picture of a boxer on the front, his teacher's favorite dog. He was very excited to purchase and bring home his boxer book the first day, and as Heath watched me eagerly examine it, he teased me that I was as excited as Jacob was to get it. I think I was. It has a behavior chart, a folder with a book to read each night, a folder with homework and graded papers, a lunch menu, school calendar, notes from the teacher, a zipper pouch for lunch money or notes from home, a log for recording minutes spent reading, etc. Just the sort of thing I find fascinating and satisfying.

So, today in the boxer book I found a neat list from Jacob's 4th grade buddy (his teacher matches them up with students from a 4th grade class in the building), and it told of certain "favorites" for Jacob and his buddy. I thought it was enlightening and amusing, so I'm sharing it with you.

The first answer is Jacob's, the second is his fourth grade buddy Elijah's:
Our Favorites!
color - red, red
food - meat, chicken
TV show - Cyberchase, basketball
season - summer, winter
vacation - no, Orlando
animal - zebra, tiger
place - Exploration Place, home
drink - water, apple juice
dessert - popcicles, brownies
vegetable - no, corn
I want to travel to... Disneyland, Hollywood
In like to... play, play basketball
In the winter, I like to... play in the snow, play in the snow
In the summer, I like to... swim, play basketball
Favorite thing in school... art, math
If I had $50, I would spend it on... toys, toys
I also like... golf, amusement parks

"all done!"

This week Samuel learned to say "all done." I have been trying to teach him the sign language as well as the word, so he can tell me when he is done eating and ready to get out of his highchair. What he does now is say the word "done" somewhat intelligibly while waving/closing his right hand in the air - not very close to the actual sign for it, but you can tell he's trying to do something like it. Then he smiles a huge smile while I cheer and clap and get him out of his highchair.

Incidently, this week I also learned to say "All done."

Heath came home Thursday before last and said, "I think we should enroll Jacob in school." This time, instead of dismissing the idea or at the very least saying we should wait and discuss and think about it more, I said, "Okay, we can try it."

As those closest to us know, despite all the reasons we support the idea of home schooling, the atmosphere in our home has been very difficult to manage at times, which has led us to consider other schooling options several times over the last 10 months or so. There have been a couple of times that we have been really close to doing something different for school for Jacob, but for one reason or another we haven't gone through with it until now. On previous occasions, we decided to delay and give ourselves time to try something different at home first, and then we would have hope of the situation improving, and perhaps even see signs of improvement, at least for a little while. But I will admit, there have been some difficult issues - with managing our home environment, not with the teaching itself. The actual process of teaching Jacob (and Ethan, as he came alongside for the parts that interested him) has been very satisfying, and I will miss that. I certainly would still encourage others to try home schooling if they are drawn to it, as I think it can work very well, depending on your particular situation at home. However, it was time for us to do this, and I think we are already seeing some positive results. I'll probably be able to speak to that side of it more as more time passes. I just thought it was time to let my blog friends know of our decision, since you have all walked with me through the process of reasoning it out and considering our options. It seemed we had settled on one side of the fence after rehashing the philosophy and reasons behind the decision a few weeks ago, but in the end we decided differently.

So, now you know! Like I said, I expect to be able to tell you more about how it's going as more time passes.

struggle

We had a wonderful weekend.

But I'm having a lousy morning. Maybe it is the abrupt transition from such a wonderful weekend back into the responsibilities of daily life.

It's one of those days when I feel very distant from the reality of God's love. Because He is far away in heaven above, and how on earth am I supposed to feel his love today? My thought process goes something like this: I have concluded after almost 31 years on earth that the means God can use to show us His love is through each other, through working on the hearts of those who are open to Him to be more kind and loving to each other in His name. But implicit in that opportunity for God to work and for us to be used by Him is the fact that we are fallible and weak and often can barely handle our own lives, much less give anything to each other. Even when we really want to be used by God and show His love, we are just weak and oftentimes unable.

I guess it is the age-old struggle to understand the existence of a loving God who created a world and a human race that are now broken. I know the answers I would give someone else with my feelings and questions. But somehow my answers don't always make me feel better, and just bring up more questions that I have no answers to, like "Well then why did God create the world and humanity this way, with the potential to be broken?" And the only place that leaves me to go is trust - trust that God knows more than I do. So that's where I'll travel to now, and cease struggling for a while.

quote

Jacob: "What's 'Dammit'?" (always so curious about new vocabulary words)

(Heath stops and looks pointedly at me.)

Me: "It's a word kids shouldn't say. It means I hurt myself with the stupid chair."

Not sure that's a great definition, but this time I'll sacrifice accuracy.....

10 years of life together

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about the fact that Heath and I will have been married for ten years on Friday. I was trying to conceptualize ten years, thinking back over each year and trying to remember it and get a feel for how our relationship has survived and grown over the years and how we have each grown and changed personally...

Year One (1998-99): We came back from our honeymoon in Florida to our first apartment in Manhattan. This was a golden year - we had so much fun setting up our apartment, "playing house." I only took six hours that first semester and worked one or two shifts a week at Gold Fork, so I had lots of time to play house and keep Heath distracted from studying for his 19 hours of classes. (Heath mostly remembers me sleeping in during his morning classes, but I remember lots of cooking and organizing the apartment, too.) It was a difficult semester academically for Heath, with all the distraction, and I think he ended up retaking two of the classes. I started gaining weight and was constantly wondering if I was pregnant (wouldn't that have been a good excuse?). I'm sure having someone to cook for and to eat out with was more to blame. We absolutely loved our little two-bedroom apartment on the west side of town, with its fireplace and wood deck and our very own washer and dryer and dishwasher - quite luxurious for us! My 1991 Ford Tempo which had served me well for the previous five years started having electrical problems, so we parked on a hill and push started it for a good portion of the year, until we realized we could start it with a screwdriver instead. As summer approached and we realized we didn't have student aid to live on anymore and Heath didn't have a job in Manhattan, we decided to go back to GC for the summer and sublet our apartment to someone we knew from MCC. We stayed at Heath's parents house while he worked as an assistant manager at the Fun Center, and I was supposed to be working there as well, but I was only scheduled for 10 or 20 hours a week. Frustrating. I guess we still probably made more money than if only I had been working over the summer at Gold Fork, EXCEPT for the fact that our subleter paid almost none of her rent or electric bills for the summer, so we got stuck with those as well. Hello, credit cards. Goodbye, consumer-debt-free first year of marriage.

Year Two (1999-2000): We came back to Manhattan from GC kind of disheartened by the summer, having not gotten paid from our subleter and having dished out money for the still mysterious recurring electrical problem on our car. We moved into a much smaller (though also much closer to campus) basement apartment with none of the amenities of our last apartment. I was a fifth year senior, and even though the financial aid officer had told me when I started at MCC on a five year program with a four year Presidential Scholarship that the fifth year students were usually awarded a general scholarship equal to what they had been getting the previous years (assuming you were still keeping your GPA up), Heath and I both got a big fat ZERO (okay, maybe it was some pittance amount, I don't remember - I just remember it sure felt like zero compared to what we had been receiving) from the MCC General Scholarship fund. Instead, MCC built a giant decorative stone thingy on campus to showcase the 10 Commandments that had been taken down from the Manhattan Courthouse and focused all their fund-raising efforts on paying for that. So there was very little in the general scholarship fund that year. We felt like they had roped us in, since we only had one year left now and obviously we weren't going to start all over somewhere else, and then basically given us the finger because they knew we had to finish with no scholarships now. Not only that, they had raised tuition drastically the final two years we were there, from about $2500 a semester when I started to I think close to $3200 or $3500 a semester (not sure, maybe more) when I finished. I may seem to go on and on about this, but it REALLY characterized our year. We were training to be missionaries, for goodness sakes. How exactly were we supposed to do that when we graduated with beaucoup debt? I decided to drop my KSU degree and finish my MCC classes in the fall, and I started working full-time second semester. We still weren't making it financially though, and Heath started looking for a job, too. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he'd gotten laid off his work study job at the beginning of fall semester too. MCC was really making good alumni members out of us.)

As spring semester drew to a close we moved back to GC to be surrounded by Christians who actually acted like Jesus (sorry, I know that's harsh, but if you'd been there...) and so Heath could have a job, since the job market in Manhattan is pretty brutal. Heath finished his classes by correspondence while he started his new job, and I substituted in the GC schools for the last few weeks of classes before summer. We lived with his parents for a while because we were leaving for our missions internship at the end of May, a requirement for me to finish my degree and something we were excited about, too. During those few weeks before we left, we felt like we started to heal from the hurt that we'd experienced all year.

Year Three (2000-2001): We returned from our missions internship and celebrated our anniversary in St. Louis on the way home from our missions agency in Indianapolis. After two months without American food and entertainment, everything seemed ten times as enjoyable and luxurious as it normally would have seemed. Heath went back to work with his dad, and I started looking for a permanent job. I started working for the County Attorney in September, we bought our first house in October and our first car together, a cute little Plymouth Neon (much nicer than the Dodge Neons in my opinion), in December. We became friends with Tim and Jess, then Matt and Betsy moved back, and then Kent and Chelsea and Daniel and Sarah and somewhere in there Chris and Linda... We were surrounded by friends and were childless and Betsy threw parties for any occasion she could think of. We would sometimes go by Matt and Betsy's apartment after work just to sit and eat whatever she had in her candy jar and hang out (is it any wonder I was steadily gaining weight?). Apart from Heath's bout with illness after we returned from Africa, and his recurrent struggle with those issues, it was a delightful time, and we were healing from our previous disillusionment. Cornerstone Church, Heath's home church, was a great place for us to be during this time. We actually started to pay down our debt and put away our credit cards, vowing to pay with cash or our checking account. As our anniversary neared again, we decided we were ready to try to conceive. Even though we were depending on both incomes, both of us making almost exactly the same amount and getting our insurance through my job, we didn't foresee being able to live on one income any time in the near future, and we were ready to start our family. We didn't want to wait five or ten years, which was the soonest we could envision me being able to quit my job.

Year Four (2001-2002): I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of October, and we were SO excited. I worked until I was put on bedrest with preeclampsia, so I had hugely swollen ankles and soda crackers and a fan permanently stationed on my desk. One day, I went to the bathroom at work and threw up so violently that I broke blood vessels in my eyes, then went back to work afterwards. I slept a lot in the evenings after work, and Heath played video games to pass the time. We continued to enjoy our friends and family, our church, the excitement of the pregnancy, jobs we each enjoyed and the satisfaction of having a little extra money and being able to paying down debt by budgeting. I took off nine weeks, I think, after Jacob was born (maybe it was just eight, I'm not sure). It was blissful. I felt like I was finally getting to fulfill everything I practiced and dreamed about as a little girl, carrying my sweet doll around with me all the time and caring for all his needs. Nursing went perfectly, he slept through the night at six weeks (once we figured out he needed to be in his car seat in order to feel secure enough to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time), and I thought I was ready to go back to work, although I knew it would rip my heart out.

Year Five (2002-2003): I went back to work near the beginning of August, near our anniversary. We were fortunate to have family to watch Jacob, so I could call and check on him a couple of times a day, often after each break time which I used to pump milk for him to have the next day, and I even went to see him on lunch break sometimes. I was totally in love with that bald, round headed baby boy. So was Heath. We would pick him up after work and argue about who would hold him first when we got home. I usually won because he needed a 6 pm feeding, but after that Heath would steal him and let him fall asleep on his chest while we watched Star Trek. We started to realize that it was hard to get much done in the evenings in terms of cooking dinner or housework, because we both really wanted to focus all our time and energy on our baby boy. By the time Jacob was seven months old, I was about to lose my mind going to work every day and not seeing him change second-by-second. Our money situation hadn't changed, but when I was crying before going to bed again one winter night, Heath finally said, "Fine, just quit your job, then!" Despite this less than sympathetic way of making the suggestion, I did quit my job and started staying home with Jacob in February. Hello, credit cards, old friends. Goodbye, paying down debt. Hello, major life change and stress of adjusting to a new role and responsibilities and the strain of not having enough money. Also this year, I dealt with being overweight from leftover pregnancy pounds and pounds I gained while nursing (since I always feel like I'm starving when I am nursing). So, in May I decided to wean Jacob so I could start seriously dieting. I took a pregnancy test in June or July because I wanted to start taking Metabolife or something like that and had to be sure I wasn't pregnant. And that's when we found out, to our great surprise, that Ethan was on his way! Heath's response when I sat the pregnancy test in front of him on the desk: "Crap! (getting up to pace, with wide-open eyes) Crap!!" We did get more excited and happy about it later, of course, but we were certainly surprised and had no idea of a due date until after the first ultrasound.

Year Six (2003-2004):
As we celebrated our fifth anniversary, we were poor, the kids and I were on Medicaid and WIC, Heath was uninsured, and I was wiped out from my pregnancy, even sicker than I had been the first time. But, I was home, and we had a delightful baby boy, another on the way, and were surrounded by family and friends we loved and who loved us. So, despite being wiped out with my pregnancy and unhappy with the way I looked (very puffy with my second pregnancy, plus still carrying extra weight from the first pregnancy and nursing), despite feeling defeated by our finances and fighting sometimes over family responsibilities, I think we were mostly happy. We were still thriving at Cornerstone Church, even though Kent and Cindy had left and the church was temporarily being pastored by the laity. When I started to get preeclampsia again early in my pregnancy, our home group prayed for me and it disappeared until much later, when it was closer to a safe time to deliver. Ethan was born in February, almost four weeks early, after a week and a half of bed rest for me. We were so amazed at how God brought me safely through the last weeks of pregnancy and the labor and delivery, and I chose his middle name, Josiah, which means "God heals or God delivers." Our first moments with Ethan were incredibly special, since there was no one else in the room but us when he was born. Heath picked Ethan up off the sheets after he was born and was the first one to hold him and make sure he was okay. The nurses didn't arrive for several minutes to towel him off, lay him on my chest to get warm, and cut the cord which by then was had stopped pulsating. We had a few hard weeks of me trying to breastfeed a tiny, very sleepy Ethan, but eventually switched to formula and finally found a bottle he could suck on easily enough to start growing well. Ethan was a cuddly, sweet little guy who slept a lot at first and was easy-going, smiley, and people-oriented even as a baby. We started to settle into a routine, and after being home for more than a year, I felt a little more comfortable and confident in my role and responsibilities. I became interested in cloth diapering during this time, and enjoyed sewing some diapers and covers for Ethan and even selling a few on ebay. It was a nice outlet for me. Heath continued to grow in his business and computer skills and to embrace his position as sole provider for our family. We started looking at ways to make our budget work better, starting with refinancing our mortgage, selling our car and getting an older vehicle, deferring my student loan payments, and deciding that maybe using our credit cards to tithe wasn't really what God wanted. After Ethan was born, we continued to be involved at Cornerstone Church as much as we could, especially with the youth group, but with a new pastor changes started to come, and we had to leave that spring. We started attending Bible Christian, where many of our friends went, instead.

Year Seven (2004-2005):
I remember this as a year of growth for us in a lot of ways. We continued to look for ways to fix our budget so that we could actually afford to live and pay our bills. In December, we took out a second mortgage and paid off a big portion of our credit card debt. Heath also got a couple of raises at work that fall. After getting the second mortgage and Heath's raises, we set up a new budget so we wouldn't add to our credit cards any more, and we took out cash with each paycheck to buy gas and groceries. I sucked up my pride and continued to use WIC vouchers for all of our dairy, eggs, and juice. Whatever cash we had left over after groceries and gas, we could use for entertainment or eating out. It felt good to be able to make our budget work and to see our debt go down for the first time in two years. We were fortunate to have free babysitting from Heath's parents, his Grandma and Aunt Gail, and from Uncle Lowell and Aunt Lori, so we even got to continue to go on dates every week or two. Since I didn't nurse Ethan, I wasn't starving all the time and was free to diet. I cut out simple sugars (on the premise that they also made me moody), and I was able to start slowly losing weight instead of gaining for the first time in two years. This was very encouraging, and removed a huge concern from my mind. We used our tax return to buy a year of catastrophic health insurance for Heath and I (now that I was no longer pregnant and covered by Medicaid) and to pay for dental exams and cleanings that had been put off since I quit my job. However, visiting the dentist was actually what precipitated us moving away from GC after five years. The dentist redid one of my fillings that was quite large, and the root became irritated. I was going to need a root canal and a crown. Neither of us had ever needed anything more than a cleaning and the occasional filling. We had no dental insurance and no idea that we might have to pay $600-1000 to get rid of a toothache. Suddenly, all of our careful budgeting and six months of paying down debt were erased with one nasty toothache. After this, Heath started looking for a different job, even though we knew it meant moving away from our wonderful world of family and friends in GC. He sent out three or four resumes, not sure that he would get any response with just five years of experience but no degree, but he quickly got a call, an interview, and then two weeks to show up at his new job. We were stunned and excited and sad to leave our friends and family and happy about the possibilities that lie ahead.

Year Eight (2005-2006):
Our seventh anniversary was Heath's first day of work at his new job. We had just experienced a whirlwind move into an apartment we had leased sight-unseen. Our house in GC was a mess, and we traveled back a few times to attempt to get it ready to be put on the market. Finally, we put out our For Sale By Owner sign, and there it sat... for the next 9 months. Though we had moved for a higher paying job with health insurance, having two sets of housing expenses meant we weren't any better off financially yet. We started looking at houses, even though we didn't think we'd be able to purchase one until we sold the house in GC. We finally decided to try applying for a mortgage without selling the house, and were amazed to find a company that approved us, although at a higher rate. Shortly after, we saw a house for sale at an amazing price, and put an offer on it immediately after viewing it. We had an intense couple of months trying to straighten out financing, making one last push to sell the GC house so we could get a mortgage from a different bank with a much better interest rate, not being able to sell the GC house and being told we couldn't have the lower interest mortgage, then finally being told we could have the mortgage if we were able to get renters and a one-year lease on our GC house. Finally, it was all settled and we closed on this house in mid-May. We didn't have friends here when we first moved, but we got involved at Central Christian right away, going to Saturday night service and a small group on Tuesday night, plus a women's Bible study during the day for me. Although Central wasn't where we ended up staying for a church home, we received good support during the time we were there, and I, specifically, grew a lot in my faith this year. Even though we were in an apartment that was really in need of repair, and we were struggling to sell our GC house for most of the year, we had a good first year here. We enjoyed the hope and excitement of Heath's new job, the fun of living in a "new" bigger city with new bigger and sometimes better things to see and do. Heath also started taking classes toward his degree in computer programming, which was exciting and offered even more hope for the future.

Year Nine (2006-2007):
We settled into our house and before too long decided we were ready for a third baby. I was pregnant by October, and so most of this year was characterized by the pregnancy. I wasn't quite as sick as during my second pregnancy, but I was tired and at times worried about getting preeclampsia for a third time. Prior to getting pregnant again, I had settled into a pretty good routine with Jacob and Ethan and the new house. Once I was pregnant, it was difficult to watch myself slipping in this area, and to no longer feel the satisfaction of knowing I was doing as well at my job of housekeeper/helpmeet/Mommy. Nonetheless, we were very excited about the new baby coming, enough so that I was mostly able to ignore my fears about the weight gain and mostly able to put aside my frustration at how the pregnancy incapacitated me in some ways. Things continued to go well at work for Heath; his department grew and he started making connections with more people in the office and stepping up to some leadership tasks. He stopped taking classes once I got pregnant because it became difficult for me to handle an evening alone with the boys by myself, at first because of being sick and exhausted with the pregnancy and then because of being exhausted and overwhelmed with a new baby. This was a little bit of a bump in the road, but ultimately it seemed to not matter much for his advancement so we tried not to be discouraged by it. We figured that we had other things to are focusing on, like a brand new baby coming into our family, and that was okay and good. Also this year, we began a spiritual journey that involved some changing perspectives on things. Along this journey, we found Wheatland Mission, which has been a huge blessing in our lives. We began to form some really genuine, true friendships and learn even more that built upon what God had been showing us.

Year Ten (2007-2008):
This last year has been characterized by adjusting to the addition of Samuel to our family. We have gone from sleepless and bleary-eyed with a tiny infant, a young preschooler, and a sometimes hesitant kindergartener, to a bit less bleary-eyed, with a curious, energetic toddler, a much more capable and independent preschooler, and a six-year-old ready to embrace his education. Heath has done really well in his job this year, and that has been a big encouragement. I feel like I have sort of stumbled along sometimes, but most of the time I feel like I'm continuing to make progress toward the goal of learning how to juggle my responsibilities and be the wife/mom/person I want to be. We have continued to grow at Wheatland Mission, being woven into relationships with members of that community even more, and being blessed by God through them. We have grown through the challenges of the year, even though at times we have felt squeezed by them. We finish our tenth year of marriage feeling like we have learned and grown and probably changed though all the things we have been through together - but that in a lot of ways we are probably still very much the same inside.

As I look back over these years, I see that so many of the struggles and victories that we have been through together revolve around a few themes: how we were doing financially; how we felt about our occupations and our responsibilities at home - whether we felt like we were handling them well and becoming more capable and whether we felt like we were in the right position; how we felt about our health and (for me) appearance; and how much we felt connected to family, friends, and church. Our stress levels and judgment of how well life was going seemed to be tied to these things and how they balanced one another. I don't know what conclusions I'm drawing, but it was just a trend I noticed.

I hope you enjoyed reading about some of what we've been through as we've stuck together these last ten years. I look forward to as many more years as the Lord grants us to walk together!

I love you, Heath! Thank you for sticking by me and loving me all these years.

discouraged

I am incredibly discouraged by the fact that since beginning working out at the Y last Monday, I have GAINED instead of lost weight!!!! When we needed to sign the boys up for football and swimming lessons, I figured it made sense to get the membership to get the discount on the boys' programs and also have a chance to start exercising again, myself. I had just been talking with friends about how frustrated we are about our weight gain, and how we have to be more active. After weaning Samuel I have been able to at least stop gaining weight (I continued to gain even after giving birth, the whole time I was nursing him), and I had gradually began to lose, but only about 7.5 lbs. over the last six months. So I thought exercising would really be good for me and help jump start the weight loss a little bit more. Instead, I have gained back 4.5 of the lbs. that took me months to lose, and I am almost back up to my highest weight again. I could not be more frustrated and discouraged! It makes me feel like there is NOTHING I can do, and not only will I be this size forever but I'll just continue to gain! I can't even describe how much of a concern my weight gain has been to me every day of this last year. I mean, it continually occupies some part of my mind and causes frustration and panic. I used to be skinny! For years, I thought I would never have to worry about or struggle with my weight like I had watched my mom do all the years I was growing up. I could tell what a struggle and burden it was for her, and how desperate and discouraged she felt when she would gain or continue to be overweight, and how relieved and peaceful she felt when she was finally able to lose and keep off the weight for a portion of my childhood years. In fact, it became impressed on my psyche what a horrible, disgusting thing it was to gain weight and to not be able to lose it, and it became, in my mind, one of the worst events/struggles that could happen to an adult - to gain a bunch of weight and not be able to lose it. Even now, I know that it not true in my head, but my emotions don't listen. I will sometimes glance at myself when passing by a mirror or see myself in a picture, and it will cause me days of panic and obsession. Not that anything useful comes out of it as far as weight loss, just a bunch of bad feelings that are hard to shake.

I hate it that I am so narrow minded and shallow about this area of my life. I hate it that I care so much and that it truly causes me panic. I know in my head that the way I look or the way anyone looks is so, so irrelevant to the worth and potential of the person. But I think for years I clung to the fact that that was one thing I didn't have to worry about, one area of my life that I felt like was okay. There were so many other things I worried about concerning my personality and worth as a person, but at least I felt good about my body being in shape and a reasonable weight. Having that stripped away from me over the last six years, especially with an interval in the middle of those years when I had lost a lot of the weight and started to feel like maybe I could have victory in this area again and not have to waste so much strength and emotional energy battling it, has been very difficult.

I wonder if I've gained over the last two weeks because I have been taking the boys to swimming lessons twice a day, which means I have to have everyone dressed and presentable (including myself), and load us all in the car, usually rushing around frantically at the last minute because I procrastinated getting us ready, then unloading us all at the Y and dragging us through the locker rooms, getting one child showered and into the pool, then dragging that child out of the pool 45 minutes later, going back through the locker rooms and getting everyone through the parking lot and buckled back in the car to go home. I wonder if the stress of all that has caused me to eat to numb the pain. Or if exercising has increased my appetite, and I have been eating more without realizing it. Or if I've subconsciously been eating more to reward myself for exercising. Who knows. I could list my foods and count the calories but that is one more thing to keep track of, and I am still trying to get a handle on the responsibilities that I already have - I don't really think I should add one more thing to do. Besides that, it's not just listing the foods and counting the calories, it is then modifying what I'm eating if the calories are too much (which obviously they are). I just wish I could take a pill to make it all go away.

Here's how I looked just two years ago. Not the skinniest I've been, but healthy. How frustrating!

confessions

A dear friend who reads this blog pointed out that we should all be blogging about things that would help us realize we are not alone in our struggles as mothers - the crazy things like when our children smear lotion (or worse) all over the walls or make fountains inside where fountains shouldn't be. So I decided today's blog would be dedicated to the side of staying at home that is less than glamorous or idealistic. So here are some of my confessions:

My kids have made all sort of messes in the house - milk spit all over the bedroom floor intentionally, poop smeared on the floor, walls and door, bathroom floor flooded multiple times, paint rubbed off of toys onto the wall by scraping the toy along the wall (you should see our hallway), crayon and pencil on the walls, water mixed with whatever interesting things they could find in whatever interesting containers they could find.

My kids have recently started telling each other that they hate each other. This has been very disturbing to me and very difficult to make them stop.

My kids hit each other multiple times every day. On occasion I have been worried that they have really injured each other. Jacob has made Ethan's nose bleed several times (but Ethan gets bloody noses easily).

I yell at them almost every day, or at the very least use my "mean voice" and lecture them (which leaves me more upset than they are and earns me shocked stares if we are in public).

I let Samuel do a lot of things that many of you probably would not allow. For that matter, I let the big boys do a lot of things that many of you probably would not allow. I try to reserve saying no for things I am absolutely sure and determined not to let them do, and I simply don't have the energy to make a rule against jumping off the couches or climbing around on the couches or racing up and down the hallway. In fact, I kind of think it's good for them that I allow them to get as much exercise as they do indoors. I also think it is good for Samuel that I let him explore, although I am not happy about the few times I have found him playing in the toilet when his brothers left the bathroom door open, especially when it hadn't been flushed! (Flushing and shutting the bathroom door are rules that do get enforced, but have been forgotten a few times.) I have also been horrified the two times he has fallen down a portion of stairs, but he has been perfectly fine after both times. Thank God.

I am not as good of a housekeeper as many of you. I let dishes and laundry build up more often than not. I don't wash the table off after every meal, although it drives me crazy when it is not clean. I want to empty the diaper pail in Samuel's room every day, or more than once a day, but sometimes it doesn't get taken out for two or three days.

Since writing my posts articulating why I think home school is the best option for our family, I have several times, including this afternoon, been ready to hop in the car and go enroll the kids in school as quickly as possible - in any school, who cares how good or bad it is, just give me a break!

I have laid down and turned on the TV to occupy the kids so that I can get some rest, and let it stay on longer than it should. In fact, there are many times I have let the TV stay on even though I wanted to shut it off, but it was occupying them so well and I was so exhausted or so much in need of a break that I couldn't make myself shut it off. (Although I have always been careful about content, at least - I can't think of a program I let them watch that isn't educational.)

I let Heath watch the Lord of the Rings movies with the big boys, and now I worry that they are scarred from it. I don't think Ethan realizes that the war scenes were not really happening somewhere, sometime. I worry this contributes to their continual play fighting, "I'll kill you!" sort of play which I already find disturbing.

I deleted one thing from this list that I decided would be too disturbing for some of you.

Okay, Mommy friends, I hope that helps you know you are not alone in this life which is certainly not all watching soap operas, sunbathing, and eating chocolate bonbons.

thoughts since my last post

I had some interesting responses and discussion generated by my last post, both on and off the blog. It makes me think and reevaluate, and that is a good thing. Here is some of what I learned from the discussion.

For one thing, I will concede that there are some good reasons behind children entering school when they do, rather than an earlier or later age. Like I mentioned in my last post, this age does correspond with a stage of development in which the child becomes able to focus on and enjoy learning and find satisfaction in the accomplishments it provides. Furthermore, like my friend Kelly pointed out, the research indicates that 90% of the connections in our brain are formed by the time a child is three years old. So, the first three years of life are the most critical for introducing and reinforcing important neural pathways in the brain, including the neural pathways for forming secure attachments with primary caregiver(s), connections which provide a framework for further emotional and social development later. (This is my understanding from the little bit of reading I have done on the subject, anyway. There are many more articles and books I'd like to read.) So, if you have a classroom education in mind, I can see why around age six might seem a good time to begin.

In light of this point, perhaps "attachment" was not the best word for me to use to describe my concern about my children being away from me for the majority of their waking hours. Maybe it would be more appropriate to speak in terms of the priority of family life or the influence of the family in a child's life, as opposed to a primarily peer-influenced, peer-dependent childhood? I am still working some of these ideas out in my head and trying to articulate what it is I really feel or believe about them. I know many of my friends maintain the priority and influence of family in their children's lives even though their children attend all day school. I am not saying home schooling is the only way to do this! It does seem to be a simple way to accomplish it, though, at least at this stage in the life of our family.

I also continue to question the number of hours in a school day for young elementary. I see that children this age may be ripe for learning and ready for the curriculum, but I don't see that spending seven hours a day in this pursuit is either necessary or the best use of the hours in their day at this age. I see how the current strategies work well for a classroom full of children, in order to reach the students at various levels and with their different styles of learning, and how seven hours a day would be required to implement these strategies and methods. Yet, as long as I am able and willing to teach Jacob one-on-one at home, we can cover the material from the school day in much less time. I'm not saying that the children whose parents choose to send them to all day school for whatever reason are experiencing any harm by being in school for as many hours as they are. However, if by teaching him at home, I can free up more hours of my child's day for other pursuits, then that seems like a good thing.

The objection that someone might bring up at this point is that although I can cover the material more efficiently at home, I don't have the training or experience that a certified teacher does. However, I would counter that although I don't have experience teaching a classroom full of children, I do have the advantage of having experience with my particular child and the way he learns best. I do strive to educate myself regarding the best teaching methods and curriculum choices, and I have instructor's guides to help me stay on track and cover the material effectively. I think the fact that I can tailor his education to his particular needs, interests, and pace can outweigh the benefits of receiving instruction from an experienced classroom teacher who is balancing the needs, interest, and pace of twenty or more students.

Although I know many who read my blog already see some of the benefits of home schooling and are not totally opposed to the idea, I know there are a few who read that can't fathom why I would not simply choose the public schools. Many see the public schools as one of the great opportunities given to those of us lucky enough to grow up in America, an opportunity anyone would be crazy to forfeit. After all, we get a better education than most of the rest of the world, and we get it for free! Yet, some of the aspects of public education that might be espoused as virtues or accomplishments by this camp are the very things that concern me. The idea of creating a certain type of citizenry through public education, or encouraging certain state sponsored values, concerns me. This is all well and good as long as they are values I share, but what happens when they aren't? I am thankful we are not required to submit our children to public school teaching if or when it contradicts our values. In addition to this is the concern that our children would be conditioned to merely take in and regurgitate material for a test rather than eagerly exploring a range of material and ideas and learning to examine them logically and critically. This kind of teaching and learning "to the test" can cause students to burn out and become uninterested in learning and eager to be done with it, as opposed to our goal of helping our children to remain eager, life-long learners and to become critical thinkers.

The final concern some of my friends and family have posed is that despite whatever advantages there may be to home schooling for the child, those advantages don't merit whatever it costs me personally. I guess the only way to answer that is that for now, I'm still willing to pay the price personally and for now, at least, the advantages that I perceive we are gaining seem worth whatever it may be costing me. But as you can see, I am not criticizing any one else's choice for the education of their child, and we are keeping our options open should another option become necessary or prudent for our family.