me and ADHD

Hey! It hasn't been a whole year since I last wrote! Whaddaya know!

So, since it is a fairly small circle of people who still check my blog for updates, I'm going to assume most of you who are reading know that I now have not just one, but two sons who have been diagnosed with ADHD. The thing about this situation which has me thinking and perhaps even obsessing, lately, is that if two siblings have ADHD, it is likely (maybe 60% or more likely; the sources I found didn't all agree on an exact number) that at least one of their parents has it. When we first had Ethan evaluated, and they asked who else in the family had it, we were just like...??? [insert blank expressions here] We tried thinking through all of our close relatives and what we knew of them, and we couldn't think of anyone who had experienced similar problems as Ethan in school. Yet, it was likely one of Ethan's near relatives had ADHD if he had it.

Then, we had Samuel evaluated, and it hit home for us that ADHD does NOT always look the same from person to person.

good & beautiful God thoughts (from retreat)

So apparently, I am doing a once a year post now...

My dear friend Betsy recently commented on how she missed having me as part of the blogging world. This made me stop to consider why I haven't reentered it, even now that my quality of life is significantly better than it was a year or two ago, and when I am now at home with more time on my hands to write. I decided that somewhere along the way, I felt like I'd lost my blogging voice. However, as I was thinking through and discussing with Heath a speaking assignment from our pastor, Paul, I felt like I actually had some things to say again -- like maybe I was gaining back the voice that I once had. Maybe I'll manage to post more than once a year after this. At any rate, I decided to start by posting the text of notes I created for Heath and my turn at speaking at the church retreat. Since I barely followed this text at all when I spoke, I'll link to it on Wheatland's Facebook page in case anyone is interested in seeing what I'd actually meant to say. :-) Here it is:

the latest big life decision

So, I haven't written a blog post in, like, forever. Much has happened, and there have been things I've considered blogging about, but for one reason or another I haven't. Part of the reason for my lack of blogging is probably the psychological pressure I felt to explain or analyze my latest Big Life Decision... quitting my full-time job as a legal assistant. And I guess I just wasn't quite ready to dissect it. I'm not sure I totally am now, but I'm closer than I was four months ago, anyway.

"best of"

I've created a new "the best of" sidebar to make up for the gloomy tone of my blog lately. So, if you'd like to read a better post than my current fodder, feel free to pick one of those. :-)

(Heath starts reading the old entries and says "Huh, it's weird to read posts from you where you sound lighthearted about things." Wah-wah.)

hired

I got the job I interviewed for!

I was stunned when they called me today. I didn't think I'd done great on my third interview, and when I didn't hear anything on Friday, I figured they'd gone with someone else.

searching...

Our struggle to come up with a day care situation that we feel comfortable with has been enlightening. I don't think there are a lot of good options in my area. Or I am having trouble finding them, anyway!

third interview

I think my face-to-face interview went pretty well yesterday, though not flawless by any means. It was with the same person who phone interviewed me, who is an executive assistant, and with the legal supervisor. So, I got called back for a third interview today. These people are thorough!

phone interview

This morning, I did a phone interview, and I go back tomorrow morning for a face-to-face interview. AHHHH!!! (running to hide)

improvements

Things seem to have gotten better over the last (almost) two weeks that I've had Jacob and Ethan in the latchkey program. I feel like they are getting to do fun, stimulating things there, besides it relieving tension at home. They've gone swimming each week, as well as volunteering at a food bank and going to Tanganyika. As the first week of them being in latchkey ended, I felt like it hadn't worked to clear my head like I thought it would, because Samuel had still been home and acting especially whiny, fussy, demanding, and ornery. I thought maybe I had underestimated how much his difficult three-year-old behavior was contributing to me feeling burned out. But this week, I have been able to feel the difference - the cumulative effect of eleven days NOT spent listening to Ethan scream, screech, yell, hit and throw things when he is mad at Jacob, and hearing Jacob retaliate physically or emotionally (turning off the xbox in the middle of the game, for instance); sometimes hearing Jacob doing something irritating and purposefully frustrating to Ethan first, upon which I rush to intervene but usually am unable to stop Ethan from retaliating in some way, even if I prevent the initial attack (I may prevent the first hit, but he throws Jacob's toy across the room, messes up his Legos, or kicks him as I walk away).

moving forward

Well, I'm preparing my resume and shopping for work clothes. As soon as my resume is ready, I have around five-ten jobs marked for its submission. So I guess we are moving forward with the intention of me getting a job -- whether full-time or part-time, and what field precisely, is yet to be seen.

Lord, have mercy

This weekend, I went with my mom, my cousin, and my aunt for a weekend of fun in Kansas City. It was lovely. We got pedicures, swam and sunbathed at the hotel pool, went to a funny movie, went shopping, and ate at good restaurants. And we had lots of time to talk, talk, talk and laugh together. All the things we like to do. It was great to spend time with all of them and share the things that are going on in our lives, get back up to date after years of not having much concentrated time together. It was good to be with people who are like me in sometimes strange ways, to be reminded that there is a history behind who I am and affirmed in my place in it.

I came home refreshed and reset and ready to face the next two weeks with a renewed perspective and energy. I told Heath I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom ever today -- the best one who has my situation and my inborn resources, that is.

It took until lunch time before things started falling apart.

a better day

Today was quite a bit better than yesterday. For one thing, I had gotten a ton of sleep - went to bed around 7:00 pm and didn't get up until 7:00 am. I did wake up for around 30 minutes and have a snack around 11 pm, but other than that, I slept almost 12 hours. The day started out looking like it would be the usual, and I still felt a heaviness draped over me, but then I received two encouraging emails and an encouraging phone call from friends who had read my last few posts. I think after that the tone of my day was changed permanently. Even when I got some really bad news about a friend, I wasn't totally knocked down for the day. It made me very sad, but also reminded me that things could be much worse and that turning my attention and energy to other's needs can make mine feel a little less suffocating.

struggling - part 3

I don't know what to do to make this situation better. I really need some time away from my kids to gain perspective. Usually the grandmas are able to take the kids individually for a while each summer, but that didn't work out this year. Also, these last three days Heath was in Phoenix for work, which was necessary but not helpful. Before that we had a weekend where I was abandonded with the kids by myself while he went out and did fun stuff for about 30 hours straight with guy friends who were in town (okay, he did sleep in there somewhere). Sorry, guys, but also not helpful for a depressed stay-at-home mom who needs every possible break she can get from the kids.

I feel like there is no one to help me with this.

struggling - part 2

Heath thinks I should seriously consider getting a job. He thinks I would be happier, because I wouldn't be driven nuts by the kids all day, and instead (theoretically), I would miss them and be refreshed to see them in the evening. (I think he forgets here how he is often not overwhelmed with delight to see them when he come home from work exhausted.) He also points out that it wouldn't necessarily shift the full load of housework to the evenings and weekends, since a lot of our current load of housework is created during the day by the kids' play and simply from the process of living and being in the house all day long.

As for me, I think it would probably make our lives crazier.

struggling - part 1

I find myself too often in the position of really not liking my children. I feel horrible about this. But they really are just jerks sometimes. They demand and beg and nag, and then don't listen to me or obey the rules, don't even give me a response when I speak to them much of the time! They whine about my rules and fight against them; Ethan throws huge tantrums, Jacob pouts. They inflict shocking frequencies and degrees of violence on each other with complete disregard for my pleas to stop. What is there to like sometimes, honestly? Yet, I know my job is to love them when they are undeserving of it, to be faithful to them and to honor the deep connection we share, as well as my commitment to them as their parent. And I will do so. In the meantime, I need to find a way to live with them and maintain an example of peace and love, rather than a display of anger and attempts to control which I cringe to see them repeat on each other. I really am not sure how to become that example of peace and love and to stop displaying anger and trying to control by force. But as part of the process, I am going to write the things that they sometimes do or are which remind me of my deep love and affection for them. (And I guess I'll pray these characteristics would start coming out more than the negative ones again!)