I came home refreshed and reset and ready to face the next two weeks with a renewed perspective and energy. I told Heath I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom ever today -- the best one who has my situation and my inborn resources, that is.
It took until lunch time before things started falling apart.
I was doing everything right up to that point, I think. I was in good spirits and so were they, I think, although I wasn't feeling great physically for some reason. I'm not sure when exactly things started to go so badly, what event or word marked the very beginning. Maybe it was when I didn't jump up to get food for everyone when Ethan first mentioned being hungry around 11:30 am. Maybe it was when I decided we would grab some food as we ran errands instead, and put them off about lunch - maybe that was the beginning and the explanation for it all. All I know is that by the end of the production that was me trying to get all four of us ready and out of the house to go shopping for a birthday present for a party at 1:30 pm, by the time we actually left the house at 12:30 pm, I was ready to give up for good.
I was doing everything right up to that point, I think. I was in good spirits and so were they, I think, although I wasn't feeling great physically for some reason. I'm not sure when exactly things started to go so badly, what event or word marked the very beginning. Maybe it was when I didn't jump up to get food for everyone when Ethan first mentioned being hungry around 11:30 am. Maybe it was when I decided we would grab some food as we ran errands instead, and put them off about lunch - maybe that was the beginning and the explanation for it all. All I know is that by the end of the production that was me trying to get all four of us ready and out of the house to go shopping for a birthday present for a party at 1:30 pm, by the time we actually left the house at 12:30 pm, I was ready to give up for good.
I think I'm just going to put the two older boys in some kind of child care/day camp program for the next two weeks until school starts. There is one at a church really close to us, so that is probably the one we'll go with for convenience sake. Finding temporary day care for Samuel is more complicated. For now I'll keep him at home, despite the fact that his defiance and talent for making enormous messes in the blink of an eye drive me crazy, too. Maybe I should be looking for something permanent, anyway -- maybe I should simply be looking to go back to work full time. Otherwise, how will we afford for me to be away from them?
On the other hand, if I am this messed up, how in the world would I handle working at a regular job all day? What guarantee do I have, or even a reassurance of good odds, that I would be able to handle other types of responsibilities during the day, but just not the crushing weight of responsibility that is caring for my kids right now?
I so, so wanted to be home with them when they were babies. Can I talk to that Jenny now? Can I please see a hint of her vision? Can I feel the way she felt? Can I be reassured that the last eight years meant something, that they were important and that I didn't just screw up their lives and my own in the process?
I am a sad girl tonight. The last few weeks, or months, or has it been half a year now? have been pretty rough. I want to be past it all; I don't want to live like this anymore. But I really don't have a clue what the magic formula is. The only thing I can tell Heath as he tries to figure it out with me is that being alone is good. I don't see any advantage to checking in to a mental hospital, even (if we want to talk drastic routes), as opposed to just being alone here at home, able to sleep and read and pray and write as much as I need. Maybe then this wound in my soul would begin to heal and things would begin to become clear.
(Even as I write that a child is yelling my name incessantly from upstairs, way past their bedtime and for no good reason. Where is Daddy? I finally go upstairs to find Heath, and he has gone out on the deck and shut the door so he can't hear the kids. Lord have mercy! Can't our lives get easier for long enough to catch our breath?)
Remember that your children joined you in your life...You did not dive into thiers. If you want children that everyone wants to be with (including yourself and their father)you need to make that happen...it's well in your control. If you want a happy life then put those guidelines on your children. For your sake, your childrens and your dear husbands get control!
ReplyDeleteJenny, I've been praying for you today. I am worried about you and pray that you can feel God's presence, that His peace will reside in you.
ReplyDeleteI think maybe trying to go back to work is a good idea. If it doesn't turn out to be the best thing, then that's okay, but you'll never know unless you try.
It is so important for you to take care of yourself and to heal, whether that means counseling, going back to work, going to a silent retreat center for a while, or to some sort of in-patient therapy or some combination of things. You feeling good, feeling like yourself, will help your kids feel good and like themselves. And then maybe their behavior would even out, helping you to feel less stressed and out-of-control - -it's a cycle.
I know I don't have kids, but when I worked with children all day, there were many times I couldn't handle being in a grocery store or restaurant with a screaming or misbehaving child at the end of the day. I've rushed out of places to avoid it. But now that I have a job that doesn't entail me being around kids all day, I am more patient with the kids I do see, whether I know them or not. So maybe if you go back to work, it would help get things with the boys into a better perspective.
Love you, Jenny. Hang in there. God is faithful and real and true even when we can't see Him. He's got you. He'll never let go.
Thank you, Katrina. That is so encouraging. The big boys are in a school-age program now, for the last two days, but I still have Samuel here with me. I'm looking for day care for him, too, because I've got to do something different. What I'm doing is not working to make things better. I'm crumbling.
ReplyDeleteLena, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by getting control. If you mean to get control of my children's behavior, I think you underestimate the challenge and the efforts that have already been made. I have read the books, I understand the methods, and I have tried them all, sometimes rigorously, fervently. I have three active, strong-willed little boys who are much harder to handle together than alone. Everyone who has tried to step in and "show me how it's done" or simply tried to relieve me for a day or several days has ended up exhausted and telling me that it is a really hard job. If I was capable, I believe I know the methods that should be employed in order to consistently enforce boundaries and consequences, and to do so for long enough that they might actually change their habits and patterns of behavior. But I have been so worn down at this point that I have no strength left to do that. I try it for a while, but then, because of my depleted resilience, it all falls apart. I'm hoping that if I am relieved of the responsibility during the day, hopefully by people skilled at enforcing rules and administering consequences during that time, then I will retain the strength and resolve necessary to enforce boundaries and consequences in the evenings, and maybe my relationships with them can begin to go back to how they should be.
If what you mean is to get control of myself, then I can say that I'm trying. I wish I knew better how to do that, but I'm doing all I know to do that might make things better at this point.