art museum

So, we decided to finally check out the art museum, after living
here almost a year and a half. There is a great kids area with art supplies, books, puppets, games. But beware venturing into other areas of the museum with kids! The guards seem to really hate kids.

Here is Jacob designing a city on the magnet wall.

And here is Ethan venturing up the stairs to the non-kid areas, uh-oh...

And resignedly going back into the kids' area.

I finally convinced Heath to shave his beard for me, but first he had to shave it into every possible variation. This was our favorite. :-) Doesn't he look like he belongs to the 70's?

thou shalt not covet

Why is it so hard to resist wanting things? Do people in other cultures, places, and times struggle with this the same way we do in modern America?

I said to Heath, jokingly the other night, "I am coveting Gina's enormous bathtub right now." But then we had a discussion about what coveting really is - is it just wanting something that someone else possesses, or is it the lust for more stuff in general? In the 10 commandments, God said not to covet your neighbor's things. So, what if I'm wanting something that is available to me in a store, not owned by my neighbor?

We'd probably all agree that lusting after more stuff in general is not a good thing. And I am actually quite happy with our home and our bathtub. :-) But sometimes I see things I want that I don't really need (depending on your definition of "need")... like a new area rug for the living room, or a new TV, or a new pair of shoes or pants. But really, what I want more than those things is to get our debts paid off and not accrue any more debt. So why is it so hard to not buy more stuff?

when it rains, it pours

My brother's dog, Roy, died yesterday at my mom's house. They were unable to bury him at the family farm because of the snow, so Jeff buried him in the backyard, after laboriously digging through the frozen ground. Roy was one of the two Weimaraners that have been like Jeff's children for the past decade or so.

have I lost my mind? (rhetorical question)

Disclaimer: I have debated for several months whether to post any of the feelings and thoughts that were growing in my mind regarding homeschooling, for fear of offending any of my dear friends or family. I decided to go ahead and post this after writing it, because it is just my feelings and thoughts, after all. I certainly don't condemn anyone else for following their convictions for their children. I recognize that each child and situation is different, and God may lead you differently than me for your situation.

This week was emotional, of course. But one thing that added to that emotion was being asked many times, "So, Jacob will start Kindergarten next year, won't he?"

I might as well have answered, "Oh, didn't you know we'd lost our minds and joined a radical sect?" Because telling people we plan on homeschooling goes over about as well. Those of you who read this blog are probably supportive and understanding of our desire to homeschool our children, but I think in a small town like ML, the issue is a lot more volatile. If I home school, I'm somehow rejecting the community's values or the expertise of the community's teachers. I think that is the perspective of the opposition, anyway. And if we lived in ML, maybe we would send our children to public school. I know most of the teachers personally, particularly my mom, and they are caring, talented people. But any public school, no matter how small and in what community, is still subject to state and national regulations that largely determine the flavor of the educational experience. Maybe this is why my Mom is supportive of us homeschooling. Public school has changed a lot since she started teaching over 30 years ago.

The heart of the matter for me, at this point, is this deep, genuine feeling (and feel free to think I am crazy, but this is how I feel), of "Why?" Why would I send Jacob to school next year? We're doing pretty well with the current situation, I think. I continue to protect and love and teach him as I have been these last four years. Why in the world would I want to discontinue that? Why would I feel the need to turn that responsiblity over to someone else at this point? He is still so young! You know, Heath's dad and my dad neither one attended Kindergarten - many of their generation didn't - and it still isn't mandatory in the state of Kansas. It isn't mandatory to be in an educational program until 7 years of age. So I could do absolutely nothing formal for Jacob's education for 2.5 more years. Of course I won't take that route, because he is eager to learn.

There are other factors, too, of course. I simply cannot imagine leaving him somewhere, under someone else's supervision (who is also supervising 20+ other children), for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. I don't want to expose him to unsupervised peer interactions that could cause deep emotional or psychological hangups. I don't want him to be exposed to the attitudes and the filthy media that so many of the other children are exposed to at home. Again, he is so young still. Furthermore, I think Ethan would wilt with Jacob gone! They can hardly stand to be apart for an hour or two.

I come back to the question of, "Why would I send him?" To learn? To socialize? He already knows all of his letters and letter sounds, and he wants to learn words. He counts to 30 (skips a few numbers sometimes, but he's getting there), and he writes all of his numbers. He has mastered most of the concepts in the Kindergarten workbook we are going through right now. He is beginning to learn about coins and bills, the calendar, reading a clock. He loves to learn. I would hate to squelch that love of learning with a program that either bored him or forced him to do activities or exercises that were tedious or uninteresting to him. We work with his level of and direction of interest and individualize his program, because we don't have to try to teach 20+ students at once. So I certainly am not concered that he is missing out on learning by not going to school. As for socialization, I think children are socialized much better in a setting of several families getting together, with various ages of children, and lots of parents around to intervene and help teach the children what is constructive or appropriate interaction and what is not. Do you remember how many of the kids acted when you were in school? ((Shudder)) That is not how I want my children to act, how I want them to learn to treat others or how I want them to be treated.

I know many people don't feel the way we do, and that is fine. Maybe I will change my perspective entirely in a few years. I know that children must become independent eventually; they must fend for themselves in the world eventually. I just feel the conviction that right now is not the time, yet, for my children.

My maternal Grandma passed away at 12:30 last night. I found out this morning.

I remember as a child thinking that my grandparents just couldn't die - I couldn't fathom it, they were such a big part of my life. We saw my maternal grandparents almost every day, and they added richness to our lives and upbringing. As I've gotten older, and now have my own husband and children, I can see that of course it is the natural course of things that our grandparents aren't a part of our lives on this earth forever. However, my memory of her, and also of my grandpa who passed away a few years ago, will continue to impact me for the rest of my life.

Grandma served her family with all of her energy. She kept an immaculate house. As I mentioned, I was there almost every day growing up, and it was never in any way messy or dirty. She worked to create a peaceful atmosphere in her home, and the peace there was tangible. She cooked every meal, and made almost everything from scratch. I remember watching her roll out dough for homemade noodles, cinammon rolls, fig cookies, and pie crusts on her kitchen table. We all gathered around that table to visit and laugh - because there was always laughter when the family gathered around her table - and inevitably, to eat whatever goodies or meal she was cooking. Her home was inseparable from who she was, and when I think of her I almost always think of her in that context. When I think of how I want my home to be, I model it after her.

Grandma never sat down. This would, at times, annoy members of the family who wished she would allow herself to relax, maybe watch a show or play a game with the family. But instead, we gathered around her table to talk with her while she kept busy. When we were in grade school, and my mom went back to work, Grandma would keep herself busy by stealing clothes to iron from our house. When we'd walk to her house after school, there she would be finishing a huge pile of ironing to send home with Mom.

I remember hearing her talk about her faith, and how grateful she was for Grandpa's spiritual leadership. She said she never would have known God like she did if not for Grandpa. I don't suppose they ever did family or couples' devotions together, but they showed their love and devotion to each other and to God through service. They served their biological family and their church family as much as they could, and when they spoke about God and told Bible stories it was while they were serving. I really do think my Grandma saw all the activities she did as a gift of love to those it benefited. I don't think she did it because she couldn't stand a dirty house, or couldn't stand to sit still. She did it because she felt that it was the right thing to do for her family.

I guess I can't say that Grandma was always working in her home, because she also loved to shop. If she didn't have a reason to get a new outfit for herself of Grandpa, she would buy one for some other member of the family. Often times when there was a special occasion, she would want to take Mom and I shopping for a special outfit. It was part of the joy of preparing for and anticipating the event.

Of course, Grandma had her quirks and we all got annoyed at her, as she did at us, from time to time. Every Sunday morning at church during my high school years, she would ask me where my lipstick was if I wasn't wearing any (which I usually wasn't). When I went through my "grunge" clothing phase she was pretty horrified, especially when I dyed my hair dark red for a while. During this time, I had a particular cardigan sweater and a particular polyester shirt, both from a secondhand store, that she would constantly ask me to get rid of. When I was younger, and I guess the ironing had run out at our house, she tried cleaning my room a few times. That became a major conflict between us for a while, but we moved past it. As I got older, I began to understand more of what I considered her quirks, and to appreciate her strong points.

The funeral will be on Friday. I thank God that she was my grandma, and I thank Him that she believed in Him.

names...

So far, we have chosen two Biblical names for our sons, ones that also happen to be very popular right now. (We certainly didn't choose them because they were popular, we discovered that detail later.) So, what do we name the third son?

Here are some Biblical names for boys, in no particular order:
Noah
Abraham
Elijah
Isaiah
Jeremiah
Issac
Daniel
David
Joseph
Benjamin
Matthew
Andrew
James
Thomas
John
Peter
Thaddeus
Paul
Luke
Levi
Samuel
Timothy
Stephen

I suppose we don't have to choose another Biblical name, but it seemed to be fitting since that is what the other two boys have. I know we have 4-5 more months to choose, but now that we know the gender it seems somehow urgent... I guess it's part of my nesting instinct kicking in?

cared for well

I have been sorting through big plastic tubs of baby and little boy clothes today. I had forgotten how many adorable clothes we had for Jacob and Ethan. I feel so blessed that my two older boys both got to wear many of those clothes, and now even a third baby will benefit! I am especially grateful when I come across an outfit that was only worn one or two times by one of the boys. The amazing thing, as I was sorting through the clothes, was realizing anew that almost all were given to us by friends and family. I saw one inexpensive set of three newborn gowns that we bought for Jacob, and another inexpensive set of five 9-12 month size onesies* we bought. That is all the clothes that we bought for the whole first year! The same goes for most of our baby gear, almost all being given to us; although we did buy ourselves a few things after the babies were here, when we knew more about what we needed (or thought we needed).

It reminds me of the verse that says, "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8. When we had Jacob and Ethan, we didn't have any money saved to buy baby stuff, but our biological and spiritual families made sure we were taken care of, even better than we would have taken care of ourselves.

I'm soaking some of the clothes that came out of storage with yellow spots around the collars. I have heard of this phenomenon before; you put clothes away apparently clean, but old stains rise to the surface while they are in storage. They are probably milk stains. Any suggestions on how to get them out? I am just soaking with detergent and hot water now since I was out of oxi-clean.

*As a side note . . . when I was pregnant with Jacob, Heath thought that the word "onesies" was a made-up word that only my family used. (In case you thought the same, I'll clarify that it is the trademark name for Gerber Baby bodysuits.) This doesn't say anything about Heath, since most men who don't yet have children (and probably many who do) wouldn't know where the word came from. Rather, it says something about my family and our made up words. :-)

It's a . . . !

From Sonogram

Click on the picture above to see the online album, with 6 more pictures of the face and body of our baby boy. :-)

When we called to ask a question at the sonogram place this morning, they said the usual technician was not in today, that it was a substitute. We thought, "Oh no, someone inexperienced!" It turns out it was the opposite; she was very experienced, having been a high-risk pregnancy sonographer previously. She talked us through everything she was checking - 3 different parts of the brain, different parts of the heart including all 4 valves, kidneys, bladder, stomach, arms, legs, feet, fingers, spine, and finally, the private parts. :-) As you can see, our baby boy made it quite obvious what his gender is!

I am very excited to be able to prepare the clothes and room for our new one's arrival. The boys are excited that they will have a baby brother. Thank you, Lord, for this new life and new member of our family who we will soon get to meet face to face!

ultrasound Tuesday!

Today I went to the OB for my monthly appointment, and we scheduled our ultrasound for Tuesday at 10 a.m.! Yay, I can hardly wait! I hope the gender is easy to see. Just 4 more days to wait....

more thoughts on baptism and some personal testimony

So, yesterday I gave my thoughts on why I didn't think Christians should baptize infants. Since then, I have been thinking about a related question... If not at birth, then when should the child of believing parents be baptized? This is a difficult question for me and for some other Christian parents I have spoken with.

I don't remember a time when I didn't believe in the existence of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I remember as a child, the communion plate was passed and the unbaptized weren't allowed to participate. My grade school friends and I wanted to be able to participate, but we didn't know when we were supposed to be baptized. We and the adults in our lives seemed to be waiting for some significant moment when it would "hit us," and we would know it was time to be baptized. Finally, for me, it was after 4th grade church camp, when I had had a particularly monumental growing experience in Christ that week. I remember being in a class on 1 John and being so struck and convicted about how I needed to really exercise the love of God toward my peers and family. However, I wasn't coming to that realization from a point of non-faith - I was coming to it as someone who already believed and was realizing more profound practical realities of the faith. However, it was enough of a turning point, and I was tired enough of waiting to be baptized, so I went forward to be baptized. I remember my Mom was so happy and moved by my baptism, and I wasn't as emotional as she was (although I was happy and blessed to have had the experience). I think the reason I wasn't as emotional is because it felt to me so long in coming. But then again, I tend to be less outwardly emotional than my Mom in general.

Now, my 4 1/2 year old son Jacob has a precious understanding of faith. I think he is a great example of why Jesus said we need to have faith like children. When he was still fairly little, Heath started reading the Bible to him every night before bed. We started with a toddler board-book Bible, graduated to a thicker, more detailed preschooler Bible, and finally to an even more detailed children's Bible. They read through each at least once, and I believe multiple times. Jacob would tell us Bible stories at random moments, with a surprising amount of accurate detail. The best thing I can remember him doing, though, was singing us a song in the car one time. He was making up songs about various Bible stories, and after he had already sung a couple, he said, "Okay now I'm going to sing a sad song." He sang a song about Jesus's crucifixion, with a haunting made-up melody. He said how they put "screws" in Jesus hands and put "pokeys" on his head (this was about a year to a year and a half ago, his vocabulary is much more advanced now), and how they hurt him. He said how they put him in a tomb, and Mary came to visit him, but he wasn't there, because he had come back to life. I can still hear his little voice raising in excitement at that part.

One night not too long after that, Heath was explaining the concept of accepting Jesus and asking Him to come live in your heart. Jacob wanted to do it right then. So he prayed and did. Since then, we've let him take communion with us in church if he's with us during that part of the service. We remind him what communion is all about as we participate together.

After Jacob's prayer, I began to think: When should he be baptized? Obviously, he has sincere faith and a basic understanding of the Gospel even now. But we know, as his brain develops and matures more, as he develops abstract thought and reasoning skills, faith will become more complicated for him.

Heath and I both went through this during our teen years. I became depressed and even suicidal at times beginning in junior high. I never doubted that God existed or was the God I had grown up learning about and believing in. But I wondered why he was allowing me to suffer, and I railed against Him. At times, I rebelled against Him by doing things that I thought would most offend Him - drinking, smoking, running with a wild crowd. I thought, well, God, if you won't provide nice friends for me, then I will have to find a way to survive on my own - and this crowd accepts me as I am. It wasn't until I was 16 at church camp again, that I realized that God did love me, despite the trials I had gone through. That was when I decided to stop rebelling against Him and receive His love and strength for the trials.

I can't speak too much for Heath's experience, but I know he went through a revival of his faith when he was 16, also, after a mission's trip. Thankfully, he didn't have all the same rebellion experiences I did (good friends are so important!), but whatever rebellion or lack of commitment was there was set aside after that point.

This was the point when our faith became so very important to us, as a daily part of life. At the time, I thought, now this would have been a really meaningful time to be baptized! I felt like I finally really knew what it meant to be crucified with Christ and rise to new life in Him - as is illustrated by baptism. But I did not get rebaptized, because I felt that my baptism at age 9 was still valid since I did really believe at that time, despite having not yet been tested in my faith. But I have struggled with questions: When was I first "saved"? Was there a point in between age 9 and age 16, or prior to age 9, when I wasn't saved?

I am afraid I am starting to ramble, but I guess what it comes down to is that this is one more reason that I do understand why parents baptize infants. Of course the child will share the parent's faith, at least until a certain point in life. Children believe what their parents teach them (what an awesome responsibility!). So, if the child is going to have faith in childhood, but not yet be baptized, how does that make sense? Aren't all those with faith supposed to be baptized? Do we not allow them to be baptized because we know they don't fully understand what faith will require of them throughout the rest of their lives, and how hard it might be some times to hold on to it? I know many Amish and Mennonite groups don't allow their children to be baptized until they are teenagers and fully understand the faith. For me, when I was baptized at age 9, even though I had a greater understanding of what it meant to follow Jesus than I did at, say, 3 years old, I didn't know the trials I would face in the coming years any more than I did when I was 3 years old.

I am just voicing my thoughts here; I don't have any conclusion really, except that there seem to be problems with either approach when it comes to baptism of children of believers. Maybe those of you from a different church background have some helpful perspectives to share?

thoughts on Orthodoxy.... (Eastern Orthodoxy that is)

When we were visiting Heath's hometown (GC) for Christmas, we had the chance to talk briefly to one of our friends there who has decided to join the Eastern Orthodox Church. His decision is especially interesting considering another friend, from Heath's office, is also considering joining, and we have known four of our fellow Bible college students who joined after college. What is it about Eastern Orthodoxy that is drawing these former non-denominational church members?

We have been reading a book that our friend from GC lent us called "Becoming Orthodox." We have also looked up several internet articles and dug up a copy of the Orthodox Study Bible that my Uncle Mark gave me ten years ago, which has some very helpful articles as well. In college, I learned of the split in 1054 A.D. between the Western and Eastern branches of the "One Holy Catholic Apostolic" Church (Western, now known as Roman Catholic, and Eastern, now known as Eastern Orthodox). However, I always thought that the two branches were pretty much the same except that the Eastern church has icons and rejected the filoque clause in the creed (which was the cause of the split). I have to admit, there were some things I didn't know...

Two doctrines in particular which are troublesome to non-Catholics are the Immaculate Conception of Mary and the Infallibility of the Pope. I discovered these doctrines were incorporated into the Roman church after the split. So that knocks two off the list of things that concern or confuse me about the Eastern church.

However, there are still parts of the Eastern church that confound me as much as they did in the Catholic church. I know part of this is my upbringing, hearing the people around me in my non-denominational protestant church voice their own disagreement or bafflement at certain Catholic doctrines or practices. One such practice is the veneration of Mary. When I read the Orthodox church's statement regarding Mary, I agree with the basis of it - she definitely was honored and blessed as no other woman in history has been. But the actual practice of it makes me sooooo uncomfortable. I also understand the Orthodox perspective on praying to the Saints. I understand the perspective, and I don't think it is a problem doctrinally, but I just don't buy it, really. I think, "Why? Why wouldn't I just pray to God myself?" I understand it is supposed to be similar to asking a friend or pastor in the physical realm to pray for you, but when I do that, I do it partially for the advice I might receive and the tangible support I feel from them. I don't think I would get the same benefit from asking a Saint, who I have not known personally and who I presumably can't get feedback from.

The other major hitch for me about Orthodoxy is infant baptism. Now, this is definitely a major hitch, because if we are concerned with going back to how the first Church did things, then infant baptism just might be a part of it. For the children of the first Church members, that is. (The very first Church members were older children or adults who heard the Gospel at Pentecost, accepted it and were baptized, as recorded in Acts - although some would say when whole households were baptized as recorded later in Acts, that it also included babies.) It appears that as early as the 100's or 200's, babies of church members were being baptized. Maybe it was even earlier, but we don't have any record of it. Infant baptism may have began because the early church believed that something actually happened in baptism, and they wanted that something to happen to their children. I understand the early church's belief that something actually happened in baptism, because I think the scriptures support that view. However, what I have long believed is somewhat different from the Orthodox view in that I have assumed that the reason something happens in baptism is because of the faith it expresses; that it is, basically, the means that God has provided or decreed for us to express our belief and repentance, and that is what gives it its power. For my friends or acquaintances that have faith but for some reason have not been baptized, I have always believed that they are still saved by their faith, although I felt they should still go ahead and receive a baptism of faith for the spiritual benefit and blessing that it will bring. I can't explain exactly what that benefit or blessing is - I agree with the Orthodox perspective there, too, that it is a "mystery of grace." It (along with the Lord's Supper) is something God set up as a means of us responding to Him and receiving His grace, and we just need to trust Him on that.

I did some more reading to try to understand the perspective of those who baptize infants, and it became clear that for at least some, they believe that the act of baptism alone can initiate faith. That despite the infant's incapacity to understand and accept the Gospel, God can still provide spiritual blessing and benefit through baptism, which will then lead to later faith. They point out that even our faith was not our own doing - it is God who moved in our hearts and brought us, as older children or adults, to faith and to baptism to express that faith. So, they say, we can trust God to use baptism to initiate faith in the child. I do think proponents of infant baptism believe you must continue to hold on to faith throughout your life in order to be saved, but that it is still through your faith and baptism together (both gifts of God) that you are being saved. Even if that baptism happened prior to your faith. The proponents of infant baptism say, "Why would we want to deny the grace of baptism to a child?" rather than "Why would we baptize an infant who cannot have belief?"

These explanations are interesting to me, but they don't really convince me that Christians should have their infants baptized. Even though I believe in the mysterious grace of baptism, I have trouble seeing how that can apply to an infant. If there is no belief on behalf of the participant, then how is baptism any different than giving the infant a public bath? I guess proponents might answer that it is because of the faith and commitment of the sponsors, parents, and church family involved, who are committed to raising the child in the faith, or perhaps they would answer that it is because of the authority of the priest performing the ceremony?

The final, practical matter of Orthodoxy that would keep many protestants away is the liturgy. Granted, the liturgy is beautiful. It contains lots of doctrine and scripture, which are reinforced and celebrated each time it is spoken - provided the speaker is paying attention. Yet, it is the same beautiful words every week, and as humans who become too easily accustomed to the familiar, I see how many would not even pay attention to what they are saying, how they would begin to think there was some magic in simply saying the words, not that the magic is in what the words attest to, the miracle of Christ saving us. I understand having a plan for worship, a structure to make sure all the various aspects are included (and often times we non-liturgical folk sadly lack this), but I don't see the necessity of having exactly the same words to express the thoughts of worship each week. Didn't David always want to sing a new song to the Lord? While I value and enjoy the rote prayers and hymns that have been collected by the Church through the centuries, I think we have to also leave room for that new song in our hearts for the Lord.

wonderful weekend!

I had a wonderful weekend! My mom showed up unexpectedly in Wichita, and lunch together turned into her staying the night when I lured her with the prospect of seeing Jacob's Christmas program at church (see the video on Nattyman's blog!). Church was great, the kids' program was delightful, and Mom and I were able to spend some rare time alone together the next day lunching and shopping. I collected ideas for presents, but didn't buy very much yet. Hopefully I'll be able to go back out and purchase items in the next day or two.

Ethan's intestinal virus cleared up on Sunday, and that was a cause for celebration as well. No more screaming and writhing in pain while we change his diaper 5 or 6 times a day. I think it lasted about 3 weeks total. We started feeding him yogurt every day last week, and I think it really helped.

I hope you all had an equally delightful weekend!

thank you

The discipline situation in our house does seem to be stablizing. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and encouragement. While I was trying to sort out my thoughts on the issue of discipline, I wrote an article about the various philosophies of discipline that are prevalent in our society. If anyone is interested, here is the link: http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dg33wtj7_2gvztsc

If you are a parent you may be familiar with most of the information, but it was helpful to me to outline it all in an objective tone. Now if I could write a critical review of each method, that would really be something... :-) If any of you would like to undertake that, I'd love to read it.

aliens!

We stayed home all day waiting for a UPS delivery, which finally arrived a few minutes ago. We contacted UPS earlier today, and they said someone would have to be home to sign for the package. So around 5 pm, the doorbell rings and I rush down the stairs to sign for the package. Jacob tries to beat me to the door, and as he is on his way, he yells, "Someone is here! Do you think it is aliens?" He had been watching Postcards from Buster, and Buster was visiting Roswell, NM.

Incidently, when I opened the door, the UPS driver had left our package on the porch (without a signature) and was walking back to the truck.