For the last week and a half, I have tried not to post any entries where I was just reiterating the same complaints about my life again. I haven't been incredibly upbeat or anything, but I have found a few other things to focus on. But I can't get away from it - my life is really hard right now. And somehow I need to make an honest cry out into the openness of the blogosphere every so often and say, yeah, it still sucks over here. I'm trying my best to be positive, and to make things better as much as I can, but I think it's just a difficult phase of life for us right now.

My whole plan for a schedule with Samuel hasn't really been working out. He's not really down with it. He much prefers to be held as many hours in a day as possible and to sleep only when he's really really ready. Which is around 11 pm most nights. Which is not terrible most nights because Heath and I can just stay up talking and watching silly TV shows together. But tonight Heath was gone to his D-group, so it was just Samuel and I sitting here, nursing, talking, enjoying his sweetness, but eventually I was just really wanting to be able to lay him down so I could shower or do the dishes or laundry or any number of other things.

Last night I got him down around 10:30 and savored the next 30 minutes of being physically alone. Right now (11 pm) he is laying in his bed awake - I am trying to remind him of how he knows how to fall asleep by himself. He's not so sure about it. The mobile stopped and he's mad. But you know, despite my weariness at always having my arms full, he's my easiest task right now. Even though my plan for a schedule hasn't worked out for him, I feel like I'm doing okay with mothering him. I'm nursing him, he's gaining weight, I smile and talk to him and keep him safe and do get him to sleep a reasonable number of hours for a baby his age (albeit at times decided by him). What more could I do? But my two older boys... I don't think I want to even delve into how I feel about my parenting of them lately. Woefully inadequate is a good summary phrase.

Anyway. Sorry to be a downer, but desperate to scream out to whoever would listen about how I was feeling.

A first we weren't excited about...

Samuel's first cold!
(you can imagine his upper lip covered with snot if you want - I wiped it away for the picture)

 

In other news, we went to the fire station and had a wonderful tour and educational program today, in honor of Fire Safety Month. Also in honor of Fire Safety Month, Jacob burned the tip of his thumb on our vehicle cigarette lighter, and I filled the house with smoke by accidentally turning on the stove burner that still had a cover on it. The good news is, I already had silver sulfadiazine to put on Jacob's thumb burn (from Ethan's burn two years ago), and the kids demonstrated their retention of the fire safety presentation by "fall and crawl" -ing when they saw the smoke.

PS - I did have the cigarette lighter hidden in the glove compartment. Jacob dug it out and found the outlet for it, figured out how to operate it, and then touched the center of the hot lighter with his thumb. He said since it was gray he didn't think it would be hot. This happened when I let them out of their car seats while I was cleaning out the car.

here are LOTS more pictures from this weekend! :-)

I changed my profile picture to one of my baby pictures. Here are the other ones I considered using.

If you are interested in taking care of the earth, then you need to read this entertaining post:

In Which Lobiwan Gets a New Toy With Which He Plans on Saving the World (With Your Help)

sweet flowergirl, Anna L.

We were privileged to be a part of the festivities surrounding Katrina and Joe's wedding this weekend. What fun! Heath posted one picture on his blog. I tried to get him to post an album, but apparently he wanted to look through the bunch again before he did that. He got some really fantastic pictures. Thank you for inviting us to be a part of your day, Katrina and Joe!

I also wanted to say thank you to Matt and Linda for sharing with me your perspectives on childhood fears. I think it really restored my compassion toward Jacob in that area. You both grew up to be highly functioning adults, so maybe I don't need to worry about whether this behavior is "normal" or not.

I really need a solution for Jacob's problem with fears. I feel like it handicaps our entire family. Imagine if your child wouldn't stay in any room of your house by himself! A big problem is his unwillingness to go to the bathroom by himself, which results in much cajoling of the dog or his brother to go with him. We will not go with him anymore, because we are not going to enable his fears. Even aside from him not being able to go to the bathroom by himself, his inability to stay in a room alone is frustrating and annoying. Just now, I went into the guest room - about 10 feet away from where he was in the playroom - and as soon as he realized he was alone, he raced into the guest room with a frantic look in his eyes. I am not even sympathetic anymore. I told him that if he raced after me like that, I would assume he was being chased by some dangerous wild animal. Most of the time I manage to hold back my sarcasm and annoyance, but after a full day of having a shadow I sometimes say something like that.

Another big rub with him not being willing to be alone is when it comes to dealing with conflict. I needed to have a little talk with Ethan earlier today before putting him in time out, but Jacob raced after us when we tried to leave the room, and wouldn't give us even a few feet of space to talk privately (he wanted to stand right outside the door in the hallway while we were in the bedroom). Furthermore, when I get tense or stress with what is going on between them or with Samuel or whatever it may be, I can often calm down quickly if I can just get a few minutes alone. But if I try to go somewhere alone, he immediately races after me, usually runs into me when I stop walking, and continues to follow wherever I go. If I shut myself in our bedroom or the bathroom, he sits by the door (often talking to me or screaming to be let in). It doesn't have the same calming effect when he's talking through the door to me.

So, anyway, I need solutions! I have thought of putting him in his room alone for a set period of time each day, to just force him to deal with it. Maybe I'd start with 5 minutes and work up to however long. But then I wonder if that is mean or just me being desperate. I think I could tolerate the situation until he outgrew it if I didn't have other things I am working on with the other kids - Ethan's whining and fit-throwing, Samuel's nap schedule (or lack thereof some days).

What do you all think? Any other ideas?

A little while ago, I had to punish the children for a blatant act of disobedience (nothing new there). Afterward, Jacob said, "Mommy, God says to do to others what you want them to do to you, and not to return evil for evil, and to do good to one another. And you are just doing the opposite of that!"

Okay, I have to be impressed with his scripture memory. But how do I argue with that?

I said, "God also says for parents to train their children to do the right things."

He responded, "Okay, so you are doing one thing God says, but you aren't doing all those other things!"

Wow. Hmmm. I gotta think of better answers - my brain was already used up for the day today.

I hate being overweight. Some of you reading are thinking, "Yeah, me too" (whether you are just a few or many pounds over your "ideal"), while others might be thinking, "Well, then just do something about it!" Well... I started trying to count and restrict calories this morning. By midday I was ready to quit, hah. I am really not good at it.

In my defense: I recently read about the Minnesota semi-starvation study. In 1950, 36 healthy men volunteered to undergo semi-starvation so that a scientist could study its effects on the human body and develop the best ways of re-feeding starving people. One interesting thing about this study is that during the re-feeding period, the men would eat almost continuously in order to get back to their normal weight. Their hunger was often insatiable. The men initially gained back about 10 lbs. more than their normal weight, and then gradually lost the extra 10 lbs., eventually returning to their normal weight.

One of the things that they realized from studying the re-feeding was that our bodies have a strong biological drive to maintain a certain weight. When we try to drop below that particular weight, we begin to undergo the symptoms the men in the study experienced - preoccupation with food, emotional distress, listlessness.

Ok, I'm not trying to say I am at my biologically programmed weight. Not even close. But I guess the point is, our bodies can really, really fight against us sometimes when we'd like to lose weight. Right now, nursing makes me feel like I'm starving all the time. Because my level of stress is fairly high right now, I do not function well while trying to tolerate the irritation of hunger. So I just eat. And eat and eat. To complicate things more, I am taking a medicine that causes me to gain weight. I went off the medicine for a year and lost about 3 lbs. a month for a year, without really trying. (I also made some dietary changes, but in retrospect, I think being off the medicine had a greater effect - the dietary changes were easy to make when I wasn't hungry all the time.) After a year, I went back on the medicine and started gaining back about that much per month.

I think fasting is a great way to regain perspective and break our "addiction" to food. But that's not an option while I'm nursing. So here I am trying to count and restrict calories and wondering if it's worth it. Maybe I should wait until I'm not so stressed, and I can better fight against my body? But on the other hand, will I ever not be stressed?

Now that Samuel is 4 months old, I have picked up Dr. Marc Weissbluth's book again. He advocates beginning sleep schedules around four months of age. He emphasizes the child's need to get enough sleep ("sleep begets sleep"), at the right times ("perfect timing produces no crying"), with consolidated sleep as much as possible (one or two night wakings may be unavoidable until 9 months).

An example of our schedule using his method is waking at 8 am, taking a morning nap around 10 am, an afternoon nap around 2 pm, an evening nap around 6 pm (which phases out around 9 months), and bedtime around 9 pm with one or two feedings during the night (which also phase out around 9 months). I think I'd like to push each of those times back an hour so that we end up with an earlier bedtime, but then again it's nice when he doesn't wake up until 8 am. Once he no longer needs the evening nap, bedtime will be earlier.

I have done this for two days now, and so far it is amazing! For instance, I laid Samuel down for his morning nap awake this morning, went in to check on him and give him his binky a few times, and in a short time with a minimal amount of fussing, he was asleep. The key is putting him down for a nap at the ideal time, when he is drowsy but not overtired. When I did this yesterday, he slept for 3 hours, and I had to wake him up for his next feeding. He also took about an hour long afternoon nap. What a difference that made on a Monday! We actually had a good Monday, and I didn't know if that was possible any more. I was able to focus more attention on the big boys and keep them occupied, and I felt more like I knew what was happening in my world and how to plan. I even got some housework done.

I think it's safe to say I thrive on predictability and order, even if I'm not much for schedules with rigid times.

In other news, Jacob is riding his bike without training wheels now! Check out Heath's blog for a video and link to more pictures.

In accordance with my tendency toward a split-personality as a parent (which I mention in my last post), I am now making a post about how lovely and adorable my children are.

Samuel is growing and changing so much! He is very strong - a friend of mine likes to say he has "good posture," and it's true. Just now I went to check on him as he was falling asleep in his crib, and he had almost rolled himself onto his tummy from his back. (He's been rolling onto his back from his tummy since his second day of life.) He has started to really laugh, but not very often, so we really treasure the moments when he does. In fact, right after I wrote my sad post below, I went to change his diaper, and he laughed and laughed about it. It was great. Diaper changes are his favorite part of the day, so neither of us mind doing them.

His favorite vocalization right now is a growl, which sounds like a burp at first but then you realize he's doing it intentionally. A week or two ago, he went through a phase of blowing bubbles - it seemed like there was a continuous fountain of bubbles at his lips and a trail of drool to match. He's moved on from that now, and his new focus is simply getting everything in his mouth, as you can see above. These two pictures represent how I usually see him nowdays - mouth open awaiting object, or object in mouth.

He is a very content, happy, smiley baby. He only cries if he is hungry, usually only if he's quite past due for a feeding (or if I've stopped a feeding before he was ready).

I so enjoyed our house church tonight, as I have each time we've gone. I need those connections with other people so badly. But I left feeling in awe again of the responsibility that is raising a strong-willed child. I am amazed at his ability to push my buttons, to make me feel weak and embarrassed and out of control. It can take a store of peace inside me and turn it into fatigue and tension in seconds.

I swore I would never be a yeller. Beyond that, I swore I would not be a parent who repeated requests, who threatened or counted down or bribed to get compliance. Yes, I know those aren't effective methods. I've read the books with their neat scenarios of how a conflict should be handled between parent and child. I planned to be in control of my children. I still feel that conviction, that strong desire to be "in control" of my children, but I am just stunned by how difficult it has proven to be. It has forced me to loosen my definition a bit of what "control" is.

The Bible says a church leader (and thus I would think the ideal or goal for every Christian?) should be one who "manages his family well" and whose "children obey him with proper respect." What exactly does that mean? What age of children are we talking about here, and what level of control? Are we talking about robot or military style obedience with no discussion or slack allowed, or just an overall pattern of obedience with some mercy and give and take along the way?

I think something I have realized in raising this strong-willed child is that we're not going to "fix" him. People tend to think, well if you just implemented such-and-such method, then he would learn that you really mean business, and from there on out it would be easier. No. It doesn't work that way. It's more like we need to work up to a certain level of control with him, and then we have to maintain it for the next 13 years. Seriously. And if we slack off, oh boy, we will know it.

I'm sorry, I'm just not that strong! I am trying. I feel like my parenting experience has been this cycle of buckling down, going into "training" if you will, conditioning myself to the level of strength I need to keep enforcing while being tested over and over. Then, gradually, being worn down. And finally, collapsing, ready to give up or start over with a new philosophy or method or something. Picking up the pieces, trying to evaluate what went wrong, and initiating the program again. This time it will "work"! I say to myself.

Well, I think I've finally realized that it's not the program that is the problem. It's just me, and it's just him. I heard someone say once, and it still grates on me every time I think of it, "There aren't any strong-willed children; there are just weak-willed mothers." Maybe that is true. I am trying to change that so that I can calmly, effectively and efficiently manage my children. But I am horrified by the magnitude of the task before me at times, when I think of maintaining this level of emotional and psychological effort for who knows how long - maybe 13 more years. That's why each day I just try to do my best and keep hoping that this will get easier in time, as we all grow; and I try not to think about how unfair it is to my children that I'm not there yet, that I'm so much less than what I wanted to be as a parent.

I am such a whiner in my blog lately, that I wonder if I should start a separate whiny blog and leave this one for pictures and cute stories. It could enable me to have this split-personality about my children, where I admire and savor their cuteness,while still bemoaning my exhaustion and frustration at parenting them. That dichotomy sums up my emotions lately pretty well.

"Dodging the Homeschool Stereotype"

by Susan Wise Bauer

I suffer from a social double whammy. My husband is a minister, an announcement that generally creates a sudden clearing of space around us at parties. (I can usually see the alarmed thought passing over the face of a new acquaintance: "What offensive things have I already said?") And we homeschool our children, another conversation-stopper.

Religious homeschoolers are, as everyone knows, tax-dodging, militia-supporting separatists who spend four hours per day on Bible study, only allow their children to read books published before 1900, and think immunization is the tool of the coming one-world government.

Because of these stereotypes, I've developed my own knee-jerk reaction: "But of course, I homeschool for academic reasons," I assure my listeners. ... (continued)

I have been reading The Well-Trained Mind by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer (great homeschooling guide/resource!), and I found this article on their website. She expresses several of my thoughts/feelings. She also has three sons, so I already feel like we're on the same page!

I was surprised, Heath's cheeks didn't get as "chubby" as I expected. We put ice on his cheeks frequently Friday and Saturday, so I think that helped. Here are a couple of pictures of him bef0re he went to work this morning. As a bonus, you get to see Samuel. :-)

His recovery seems to be going well. The pain medicine seems to be controlling the pain adequately. Thanks to all of you for praying!