"Christian" Parenting? ...Why You Don't Need Any More "Should"(s) in Your Life

Parenting is really, really hard sometimes. I feel like all of my pre-parenting experiences with kids, which generally convinced me that I was going to be great at this, were the child-raising equivalent of a Junior High track meet. It wasn't until I showed up at the real-life parenting Olympics that I realized how far off my self-assuredness had been.

One thing I keep stewing on lately, though, is how Jesus actually asks very little of me when it comes to raising my children, compared to the standard many other believers would hold me to, or even compared to the standard of many unbelieving parents or other unbelieving adults with an interest in child welfare. It seems like everyone has some sort of high-reaching expectation or standard regarding parenting, with varying focuses and levels of detail depending on where they are approaching it from, each with their own hot-button issue when it comes to children. Yet what Jesus asks and expects of me is really very simple: Love them. Love them the same way I am responsible to love any other believer or "neighbor" in my life.

repost/rewrite: poems

Saturday night, we were talking with some friends we've known for many years, and the conversation gradually turned to some gloomy topics; specifically, friends or family who died unexpectedly and the heartbreak and process of grieving. So, when a link to one of my old entries in my blog sidebar caught my eye this morning, I reread it and decide to repost because of its relevance to the topic we had discussed.

Life as Normal

14 years old, blonde ponytail, crisp-pleated cheerleading skirt
Sleepy little town in the middle of nowhere
with a brick main street and hideaways on the outskirts of town for illegal beer
Summer-dried grass crunches beneath my feet on the worn path home
Crunch to broken sidewalk to manicured lawn of the First Baptist Church to red dirt alleyway -- Almost home.
White Oldsmobile with a broken taillight resting heavily,
still
in the sloped driveway
Near the modest yellow sided house
with overgrown bushes and a large picture window.
Dad's home already?
A lag in her step, almost unnoticeable
A tightness in her chest that goes unseen
A shake of her head to clear it.
What time does the game start, again?
Life as normal in a sleepy small town.

I hated it before I loved it

I have this bad habit of hating music before I decide I love it. Well, not necessarily hating, but at least not seeing the appeal. Like the first week or two Heath had the new Mumford and Sons album, and I kept remarking on his new "country" music album. He finally got irritated enough that he demanded I never call it that again, but it wasn't until I listened to it on my own on a long drive that I realized I LOVED it. The same things happened earlier this year with Future of Forestry, and before that the Avett Brothers and before that the new Radiohead album. I suppose I should just realize by now that whatever new music he introduces me to that I intially shy away from will eventually become my favorite. Especially if he and DanM find it together; I'm almost guaranteed to eventually love it (Gomez and Young the Giant, to name a couple).

I don't know why I continue to be surprised throughout my life by music's ability to reach through our clouded thoughts and emotions and speak some truth to us, or to express what our heart is feeling that we weren't able to nail down until we heard it to music. But Thank God is does.

possible symptoms, or normal experience?

I gave a couple of examples in my last post of experiences or traits I have had that could possibly represent ADHD symptoms. There have been quite a few markers from various checklists or articles that I identify with in addition to the ones I already mentioned. The question for me, always, is whether I have difficulty with these issues on a level that would justify a clinical diagnosis. I just keep thinking, "These things seem to be hard for everyone I know!" But maybe they really aren't.

So here are some of them. Maybe you can judge by looking at your own experiences whether my experiences are normal, or really something more.

me and ADHD

Hey! It hasn't been a whole year since I last wrote! Whaddaya know!

So, since it is a fairly small circle of people who still check my blog for updates, I'm going to assume most of you who are reading know that I now have not just one, but two sons who have been diagnosed with ADHD. The thing about this situation which has me thinking and perhaps even obsessing, lately, is that if two siblings have ADHD, it is likely (maybe 60% or more likely; the sources I found didn't all agree on an exact number) that at least one of their parents has it. When we first had Ethan evaluated, and they asked who else in the family had it, we were just like...??? [insert blank expressions here] We tried thinking through all of our close relatives and what we knew of them, and we couldn't think of anyone who had experienced similar problems as Ethan in school. Yet, it was likely one of Ethan's near relatives had ADHD if he had it.

Then, we had Samuel evaluated, and it hit home for us that ADHD does NOT always look the same from person to person.

good & beautiful God thoughts (from retreat)

So apparently, I am doing a once a year post now...

My dear friend Betsy recently commented on how she missed having me as part of the blogging world. This made me stop to consider why I haven't reentered it, even now that my quality of life is significantly better than it was a year or two ago, and when I am now at home with more time on my hands to write. I decided that somewhere along the way, I felt like I'd lost my blogging voice. However, as I was thinking through and discussing with Heath a speaking assignment from our pastor, Paul, I felt like I actually had some things to say again -- like maybe I was gaining back the voice that I once had. Maybe I'll manage to post more than once a year after this. At any rate, I decided to start by posting the text of notes I created for Heath and my turn at speaking at the church retreat. Since I barely followed this text at all when I spoke, I'll link to it on Wheatland's Facebook page in case anyone is interested in seeing what I'd actually meant to say. :-) Here it is:

the latest big life decision

So, I haven't written a blog post in, like, forever. Much has happened, and there have been things I've considered blogging about, but for one reason or another I haven't. Part of the reason for my lack of blogging is probably the psychological pressure I felt to explain or analyze my latest Big Life Decision... quitting my full-time job as a legal assistant. And I guess I just wasn't quite ready to dissect it. I'm not sure I totally am now, but I'm closer than I was four months ago, anyway.

"best of"

I've created a new "the best of" sidebar to make up for the gloomy tone of my blog lately. So, if you'd like to read a better post than my current fodder, feel free to pick one of those. :-)

(Heath starts reading the old entries and says "Huh, it's weird to read posts from you where you sound lighthearted about things." Wah-wah.)

hired

I got the job I interviewed for!

I was stunned when they called me today. I didn't think I'd done great on my third interview, and when I didn't hear anything on Friday, I figured they'd gone with someone else.

searching...

Our struggle to come up with a day care situation that we feel comfortable with has been enlightening. I don't think there are a lot of good options in my area. Or I am having trouble finding them, anyway!

third interview

I think my face-to-face interview went pretty well yesterday, though not flawless by any means. It was with the same person who phone interviewed me, who is an executive assistant, and with the legal supervisor. So, I got called back for a third interview today. These people are thorough!

phone interview

This morning, I did a phone interview, and I go back tomorrow morning for a face-to-face interview. AHHHH!!! (running to hide)

improvements

Things seem to have gotten better over the last (almost) two weeks that I've had Jacob and Ethan in the latchkey program. I feel like they are getting to do fun, stimulating things there, besides it relieving tension at home. They've gone swimming each week, as well as volunteering at a food bank and going to Tanganyika. As the first week of them being in latchkey ended, I felt like it hadn't worked to clear my head like I thought it would, because Samuel had still been home and acting especially whiny, fussy, demanding, and ornery. I thought maybe I had underestimated how much his difficult three-year-old behavior was contributing to me feeling burned out. But this week, I have been able to feel the difference - the cumulative effect of eleven days NOT spent listening to Ethan scream, screech, yell, hit and throw things when he is mad at Jacob, and hearing Jacob retaliate physically or emotionally (turning off the xbox in the middle of the game, for instance); sometimes hearing Jacob doing something irritating and purposefully frustrating to Ethan first, upon which I rush to intervene but usually am unable to stop Ethan from retaliating in some way, even if I prevent the initial attack (I may prevent the first hit, but he throws Jacob's toy across the room, messes up his Legos, or kicks him as I walk away).

moving forward

Well, I'm preparing my resume and shopping for work clothes. As soon as my resume is ready, I have around five-ten jobs marked for its submission. So I guess we are moving forward with the intention of me getting a job -- whether full-time or part-time, and what field precisely, is yet to be seen.

Lord, have mercy

This weekend, I went with my mom, my cousin, and my aunt for a weekend of fun in Kansas City. It was lovely. We got pedicures, swam and sunbathed at the hotel pool, went to a funny movie, went shopping, and ate at good restaurants. And we had lots of time to talk, talk, talk and laugh together. All the things we like to do. It was great to spend time with all of them and share the things that are going on in our lives, get back up to date after years of not having much concentrated time together. It was good to be with people who are like me in sometimes strange ways, to be reminded that there is a history behind who I am and affirmed in my place in it.

I came home refreshed and reset and ready to face the next two weeks with a renewed perspective and energy. I told Heath I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom ever today -- the best one who has my situation and my inborn resources, that is.

It took until lunch time before things started falling apart.