personalities

Betsy posted on her blog today about the personality test she took recently, and how her result had changed from what it was in high school. I was shocked when I saw her post, because for the last two evenings, Heath and I have been discussing personality profiles, and I was planning on posting today some thoughts about it. That's easy for me to claim now, but it really is true. I didn't just steal her idea. :-)

Unlike Betsy, my personality profile hasn't changed. The description of the INFP from personalitypage.com describes me really well, with just a few things that are off because I am not purely "P"erceiving, and at times lean toward "J"udging. Here are some of the descriptions that I thought were particularly true of me: (I wanted to just copy the quotes from the article, but apparently that is illegal?)

INFP's are seeking meaning in life, purpose, truth, connections.

INFP's are idealists and perfectionists. They usually have very high standards and are hard on themselves. They may have trouble working with a group because others' standards aren't as high, or it is hard for them not to be in control. Their idealism and perfectionism can paralyze them if they don't learn to balance it with reality.

INFPs are intuitive. They especially use their intuition to guide them about people.

INFP's are generally thoughtful and considerate. They care deeply about people and are genuinely interested in them; they are good at listening and putting people at ease. However, they usually are not able to express their deep caring very well verbally and are awkward and uncomfortable when they try. Instead, they are often good writers and are able to define and express their feelings very well in written form.

INFPs hate conflict because of their focus on feelings. Conflict makes them feel terrible, and they can only focus on the fact that they don't want to feel terrible. Because conflict is so upsetting to INFPs, they are often illogical and irrational in conflict situations; they may have outbursts in which they throw out fact after fact which are not logically true. In contrast to this personal difficulty with conflict, INFPs are often able to help others work out their differences because of their intuitive understanding of other people's perspectives and feelings and their genuine care for others and desire to help them.

INFP's projects or interests can become a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented generally, they will cover every possible detail for the cause they are interested in and will become passionate about it.

You can see the entire description at personalitypage.com/INFP.html. The stuff about conflict seems especially true to me (and Heath agreed a little too enthusiastically). It's funny to see someone write a definition of a personality type that describes even the parts of my personality that I have always thought didn't go together. I really care a lot about people, so why can't I express it to them in person? And why can't I handle conflict calmly and gracefully with those same people I care so much about? I am such an idealist and perfectionist, in theory and in specific areas I become obsessed about, but overall I am not good at making sure everything gets done (does this fall under "not detail oriented"?). Well, apparently it's a whole group of people who are like me. Who knew?

P.S. - I would LOVE to hear what personality type you are and what about the description fits you the most. :-)

lost and found

You will not believe this.

Jacob just came home from school. He rode home with his friend Ethan H., like usual. Both boys came storming in the door, like usual, but today they had a special guest with them - our dog, Mason!

I was stunned. I didn't even realize Mason had gotten out. We'd been in and out of the house all day, enjoying the beautiful weather, and earlier he was playing in the backyard barking at the neighbor dogs. He must have found a hole in the fence, or maybe he slipped out the front door or garage door when I wasn't looking - he can push the front glass door open if it isn't completely latched.

But how in the world did he find the school, and on top of that, how did he find Jacob out of the 400 kids that were leaving the school? He's ridden with me to pick up Jacob a few times, but not recently, and you have to follow a maze of curving and intersecting streets to find the school. Nonetheless, Ethan H.'s Dad said Mason was sitting at Jacob's feet when he pulled up to pick up the boys. And thank goodness, he managed to find the school and Jacob without getting hit by any of the cars racing toward the school to pick up kids.

We are doubly lucky to have found him this way this time because I had just taken off his collar with his ID tag on it for a bath last night. We take it off very rarely because of one other time he got loose without it. We had to plaster the neighborhood with lost dog signs and wait seemingly forever for a call. If he gets out with his ID tag on, someone usually brings him by or calls us right away. I put his collar back on now, but the ID tag is missing! We will have to go get a replacement right away. He's too good of a dog to just lose.

I have been a horrible blogger over the last few months, ever since shortly before Christmas, really. It seems like ever since the Christmas season arrived, life hasn't slowed down.

Nevertheless, I have started several blog entries, but never finished editing them so they could be posted. Maybe I hadn't sufficiently processed those thoughts, or they didn't need to be shared right now (or possibly ever). At any rate, I have been processing thoughts during this time - just not able to verbalize a lot of it in a way that satisfies me yet.

Some news for those of you who don't see me every week or so: The boys are great. Jacob is still doing well in school and enjoying it. His reading still amazes me. One day it seemed to just come together for him, and then his reading vocabulary grew exponentially over the next few weeks and continues to steadily grow at a satisfying rate. It is wonderful to see him want to read, to stretch himself, to enjoy practicing, to seek out more, and especially, to bless those around him with his skills (I am thinking mainly of his two little brothers who love to be read to). He is tall and solid and strong - he has made a goal of conquering the playground equipment at his school, not just playing on it. One by one he conquered the various sets of monkey bars and rings, and now he and his friends dare each other and cheer each other on in completing various tricks on them, like hanging upside down. They have a scoring system for their acrobatic feats, and I had to suppress a laugh when Jacob announced that he had gotten to "Super Rainbow" level. Hah! Such tough boys, but still not aware of which things are supposedly feminine.

Ethan just turned five. I can hardly believe it! He is growing taller and looking more and more like a school-age boy instead of a preschooler. He plays pretend all day long, especially Spiderman, Star Wars, Transformers - any strong, fighting characters he hears about. He loves to be with his friends and his brothers, although he is still quite attached to me and wants to cuddle and have me play with his hair or rub his back anytime the opportunity arises. (Of course, Jacob still likes to cuddle, too, but only at certain times and much less overall than Ethan. Ethan has always been our more physically affectionate one, though.) He has gotten to the stage of asking questions, being more curious and wanting to know the answers. He didn't do this as early as Jacob, but I think it was because previously Jacob was asking all the questions for him. When he was younger, he probably didn't understand all the questions and answers, but as he grew he would have started to take it in, and it was probably enough information to satisfy his own curiosity vicariously. Now that Jacob is in school all day, and Ethan continues to grow in his understanding and perspective of the world around him, he has started to ask his own questions. I absolutely love it. That is one part of being a mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. He is also a physically strong and healthy little boy, like his brothers. He too likes to play outside and test his skills in our backyard and on the playground, but it is less of a focus in his life than it is in Jacob's.

Samuel continues to be an absolute delight. He is almost 21 months now. He is so soft and squishy and round - round cheeks, round belly, round bottom. He wants to do and have everything his big brothers do and have. He gets as excited to see them as he does to see us. He tries to wrestle with them just as rough and long as they can handle and will even initiate the wrestling himself (which can be a problem if his targets aren't ready to be wrestled). He doesn't say much intelligible yet, but the third time around I'm not freaking out - our other boys didn't speak much at this age either. He loves me with abandon, but perhaps I only notice his intensity because it is contrasted by my bigger boys gradually being more independent and not as transparent with their devotion. I am just as enamored with him as he is with me, of course - as I have been with each of my boys.

As for my life of late, I would say overall things have been going fairly well. I have had struggles, as always seems to be the case - difficulty with the boys (although you wouldn't know it from my glowing descriptions above :-) ), difficulty thriving in my role/position, difficulty processing and understanding the questions that come to my mind and heart sometimes, and difficulty dealing with my own weaknesses and limitations. Like I said above, I've been processing these things. Sometimes the process seems too slow to bear; other times I can see growth, and I am encouraged. Maybe I can write more about that later. For now, I think I will leave this entry as mostly an update on the boys, so that I can ensure it actually gets posted. Oh, and here are some pictures from Ethan's fifth birthday party, in case you haven't seen them on my Facebook page yet:

I've been meaning to post this for a while...

Two four-year-old little boys giving fake smiles for a picture...

Can you believe how much they look alike?!? The ears and the hair are different, and though you can't see it in this picture, their bodies are built differently as well. But I think we can predict with some pretty good accuracy what Ethan's face will look like in 26 years. :-)

Here are two more related pictures: The original picture from which I cropped Heath's little boy face, and one from this Christmas of Ethan with Grandma Brenda. I enjoy seeing the similarities across the generations.

I forgive

I was just talking on the phone with a friend about forgiveness. She and I were discussing the powerful, life-changing material that forgiveness is - the fact that it is the primary thing that identifies us as the people of God. We forgive because we've been forgiven. And she and I have had much of this material in our lives, some in the form of forgiveness received and some in the form of forgiveness given.

Before this conversation, I was speaking with another group of friends. It has been a good day for discussions with friends for me. Within this group, we were discussing hurts that occur in the Church. The irony is, despite me sharing my particular version of the Church hurting me, I didn't realize at the time how hypocritical it was - that I still do not have grace for the person who hurt me there - despite the fact that he is human, just like me; despite the fact that his offense, his insult to me was so much less than those I've received from others who I have forgiven and forgotten.

So here it is: I forgive you. I forgive you for saying I was an aggressive, hot-tempered person, or something to that effect, anyway. I forgive you for denying my husband a job because of something I had said. I forgive you for choosing not to include my family, for ignoring, not noticing us and setting us aside. I forgive you for judging us to be something that I firmly believe we are not. I let you go - I release you. It's okay - You're human just like me. Sometimes you misjudge. Sometimes you slip up; sometimes you overlook; sometimes perhaps you are even exclusive and self-protective.

Why can't we truly forgive each other, even seventy times seven; even when we know it to be the most powerful, life-giving, and transformative thing available to us? Why couldn't I truly forgive for so long? How did I deceive myself into thinking I already had, when my heart hadn't really let go?

This is who we are: We are not the pattern of the world - driven by self-preservation, self-focus, pride, the lust of the flesh. We are transformed - empowered by selfless love - loving even our enemies, forgiving each other, bearing each other's burdens, taking care of each other even when it hurts. (Romans 12:2)

It is hard not to be disheartened when I see unresolved conflict and hurt feelings between believers. But even when I don't see the community of forgiveness and selfless love that I believe God desires us to be, I will keep believing for it. Because now I realize: Sometimes God's solution is not the obvious one. Sometimes the change of heart, the realizations, the actions and words that need to happen come slowly, more slowly than we think we can stand. But I will try to wait patiently for God to work out the hurts we believers inflict on each other, remembering that often he is working in scarred hearts like mine.

Captain Destructo strikes again

Heath started calling Samuel Mr. Destructo a few weeks ago, a very apt nickname considering the shenanigans he pulls off, such as pulling everything out of drawers and off shelves and dumping an entire box of spagetti on the kitchen floor - quick as lightening, before I can do anything to stop him. Then, last week we sent some funny pictures to our families, one of which was this (with a smudge for privacy):

My brother, Jeff, wrote back that Samuel looks like a superhero with his goggles on, and we told Jeff that he is a superhero - Mr. Destructo. Jeff suggested it should be Captain Destructo instead, and we all decided that the goggles alone are a fitting costume for him, since it allows him to cap off his adventures by leaving a puddle for me to clean up. (He had the goggles on from the bathtub, to keep water out of his eyes when we washed his hair. He climbed out of the bathtub by himself and took off running around the house to air dry - didn't want a towel and certainly didn't want the goggles taken off. )

Well, today Captain Destructo has been in fine form. I should have known I was in for it earlier this morning when I caught him with the safety scissors that had been on the table, opening and closing them over and over really quickly. I confiscated them and the other pair from the table and put them up high. Then, I had to go help Ethan in the bathroom. He took this opportunity to climb onto the dining room table and sweep everything off it, including a stack of school papers, a chess board and all the pieces, Chutes and Ladders, flash cards, crayons and construction paper, and some instructions and parts leftover from installing a new ceiling fan this weekend. Before I could get that cleaned up, I caught him tearing open the flash cards box and taking them out, so I put those up. Next, he brought me an Animal Baby magazine with the cover newly torn off . He went straight from there to the kitchen, where he picked a couple of items out of the trash under the sink. After I removed him from there and put the items back in the trash, he started putting crayons down the heating vent. After I dug those out and took the crayons away, he asked for a bite of the apple I was eating. I handed it to him, and he threw it back at me without taking a bite, where it landed on the laptop keyboard. At this point, I decided I should take him downstairs where there are more toys and less things to damage. We all headed in the direction of the stairs, and I thought Samuel was following like usual. Instead, I discovered he had stopped at the top of the stairs to throw some shoes down the stairs from the living room. I went and retrieved him and carried him downstairs. Now he's playing with some actual toys, so hopefully his reign of chaos is over for the moment.

It's funny, he will play alone for a long time sometimes, longer than I remember either of my first two playing alone. But when he is not engrossed in toys, he can cause a lot of destruction in a short amount of time! Good thing he's so cute to make up for it.

As a bonus, here are a couple of pictures of Jacob and Ethan, also from the set we sent to family last week. Jacob has really taken off with his reading, and Ethan loves to sit really close and listen to whatever new book Jacob is attempting to master. He even fell asleep on Jacob one evening when we were reading before bed.

sales pressure woes

I really dislike interacting with sales people.  It's funny, because my dad was a salesman, but I don't think he was the kind of salesman I'm talking about.  I remember in high school, when I would go shopping at the "cool stores" in the mall, and when the salesperson approached I always tried to act as disinterested as possible and tell them I was just browsing.  I would get so annoyed at my mom during these trips because she would often have the audacity to actually speak with the salesperson and tell them what we were shopping for!  That, and I was a teenager, so I was frequently annoyed with my mom.  But my point is, I have long avoided interaction with salespeople, so much do I dislike the anxiety it creates in me.  As you might imagine, trying to shop for souvenirs in third world countries was a nightmare for me.

Well, we're in the midst of this furnace shopping ordeal.  Not quite third world bartering, but I was surprised by the amount of sales tactics I had to endure today.  It just leaves me feeling... BAD inside.  Yet I know the salesman is just trying to do his job and is probably doing a really good job at it, actually.  I'm sure his pitch allows a lot of customers to feel really good about spending a lot of money on his product, and he probably brings in really good revenues for his company.  I, on the other hand, would rather buy the furnace on the internet in order to save $600, and then find someone qualified to install it for me.  You think I'm joking, but I'm actually not.  

I had the sheer stupidity to ask this salesperson (who I initially mistook for a furnace technician, or I might not have asked the question) how much it would cost just for installation if we purchased our own product.  (Sigh.)  I could immediately tell he did NOT like the idea and thought it was an utterly ridiculous suggestion.  When he asked if I had the equipment there for him to see, and I told him we hadn't decided whether to order 80% or 95% efficiency yet, and that part of that depended on estimates we got for installation, he seized on what he perceived as my ineptitude, and proceeded to tell me how there was a LOT more to it than just efficiency and how a regular person couldn't possibly know how to choose a furnace for themselves because there are a lot of factors to consider etc. etc.  He stopped long enough to ask how I was planning on choosing a furnace.  I told him we'd gotten an estimate from another company first, and we were basing our size on what they recommended, plus on internet research I'd done to corroborate their recommendation.  He went into his speech again about how furnaces aren't sized like they used to be, there are a lot more factors to consider, and how he is an expert at this and very good at what he does and he would be able to tell us the proper size and to make sure that nothing was off with any little part of it that could make the whole system not work as well.

See, what I do when people talk to me like this is I kind of freeze and open my eyes wide and nod attentively, and say, "oh!" and "uh-huh."  I don't like to argue, so I don't tell him that I've spent the last couple of weeks perusing the HVAC forums online and reading articles, and that I know about the Manual J calcs and all the info that needs to go into them, i.e. insulation amounts, window sizes, roof material, siding material, as well as square feet. How I am perfectly aware the other company we got the quote from did not do a Manual J calc and instead based their recommendation on our square footage, as many HVAC contractors still do in order to save time, despite the industry agreeing the Manual J calc is the best way to size a system.  I don't tell him that I know there is a lot more to choosing a furnace than simply choosing 80% or 90% efficiency, that I know we also have to choose the number of BTUs for the furnace and number of tons for the AC and whether to choose R22 or R410A refrigerant, and that I have already researched what the proper size is likely to be for our home online.  Instead, I stand there and nod, probably giving the appearance that I am eagerly listening and amazed at what I'm being told.

After he finishes his spiel, he asks me what I want to do.  I think, "Huh?  I thought I already told you?"  But I try to play along.  "Well...  Let's do this.  I'd like to get a quote for what it would cost to install a system if we did purchase the equipment from your company."  He's at my house already, and I figure it will be helpful to see a comparison to the other quote we had gotten.  Maybe his would be lower or he would convince me for some other reason to go with his company and not order the equipment online.  I am giving him a fair chance.  Besides, I am truly interested in what the Manual J calc will turn out, if it will match the square footage estimate or not.  I was too cheap to buy the $49 homeowners version to perform the calculation myself.

Right after I agreed to this, Heath walked in the door.  Thank God!  I had been thinking the whole time the man was speaking to me, "Heath, I told you I didn't want to tell the guy we wanted to buy the system online, but you told me he wouldn't be offended, that it's just business.  Don't ever make me do this again!"  I called Heath downstairs, and  begged off that I had to finish cooking lunch.  I could hear the man giving his spiel to Heath now.

Heath came upstairs after a little while and asked in a hushed voice, "How much did you say the system online cost?"  I told him.  "He said it would be ....!"  And named an amount 2.5 times larger than ordering online and hiring the first company we'd contacted to do installation only. We sat and ate our lunch in uneasy silence until the salesman came up to ask us some more questions.  He went outside to do some more calculations, and I told Heath he could not leave again until the salesman was gone.  Finally, he came back in and sat down with us to explain what product he was going to recommend, although he did not have the estimate ready yet because he still had to put all the numbers into the Manual J calc program and see which size we would need.  We would need to set up another meeting to discuss the actual estimate. He reiterated how important it was to have experts do the job and do it right, and how he was an expert and would make sure the job was done right, and how it was highly unlikely the quote would be any less than such-and-such amount.  He said that if someone else gave us a quote as low as the amount Heath had mentioned that we should turn and run from them because they were going to do a poor job.

I knew we were in trouble when at the end of the presentation he complimented us on how he could tell we were really taking in everything he said and wanted to understand it (I'm telling you, it's the big doe eyes and the constant nodding and uh-huh-ing).  How it wasn't our fault we didn't know these things (um, we actually did), and that if people would just take the time to explain it... (making a jab at the competitor).  He also said, "Sounds good?" at the end of his presentation, like he was fairly sure we'd bought everything he'd said and were convinced.  I finally gave my only indication of hesitation, saying "Well, we'll have to consider... " and trailing off impotently.  Heath said something that sounded more confident but just as vague.

(Sigh again.)  

We set up another meeting time to get the actual estimate.  I told Heath that I'm trying to give the guy a fair chance still, and I will consider his product and the reasons he gave us for going with their (way) more expensive quote.

Plus, I want to see that Manual J calc before I order our system online, anyway. 

please vote in my poll

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this choice and what makes the most sense. Maybe some of you can offer perspective. Please vote in the poll on the right, and comment on this post if you have anything else to say about it. Thank you!

friends

Does anyone remember when I said in a post a while back how I was concerned that Ethan was missing something by not going to preschool? How I was concerned that he wasn't getting appropriate stimulation, that he seemed bored and restless at home with me all day, and wanted to just play video games and watch TV?

Well, Jacob's friendship with the neighbor boy, who we call Ethan H. in order to distinguish from our Ethan (yes, it is confusing), has been a double blessing in that Ethan H. has a little brother, Aiden, who is 4, just like our Ethan. At first, our Ethan would only go over to their house with Jacob after school and seemed to be more interested in what the big boys were doing (i.e. cool video games) than what Aiden was playing. But gradually Ethan and Aiden have developed their own friendship, and now Ethan wants to have Aiden come over during the day. It has worked out splendidly. I feel like it's mini-preschool for him, a chance to socialize and learn to get along with others his own age, minus circle time. He is no longer nagging me or sitting in front of a screen; he is outside hunting monsters or rediscovering his toys in the playroom through the fresh eyes of his friend. It is a really a huge blessing. I feel like God has met our need in a way that I could not have anticipated and in a way that I am actually more pleased with than I would have been with taking him to preschool, I think.

Here are a couple of pictures of them being silly today. Notice the weapons they carry, which are vital to backyard adventures, where droids or monsters may need to be killed at any second.

night terrors

One of the challenges we have had to face as parents of Jacob is enduring his night terrors and loving him through them.

He hadn't had one for quite a while - months, I'd say, or has it even been a year? - until this week. If you aren't familiar with night terrors, let me explain. A night terror is not a bad dream. There is no waking up and discussing the dream and being comforted. In fact, the person experiencing it doesn't even remember it the next morning and is usually impossible to awaken. Rather, it is more related to sleep walking and other sleep disorders than it is to nightmares. It begins with the child waking up screaming. You go in to comfort the child but are completely unable to comfort him, and in fact, your touches may provoke more screaming and writhing. So, realizing it is a night terror, you wait it out, watching over the child to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. After a while, he calms down, usually abruptly. He is peacefully back asleep, while your nerves are rattled and shaken.

It seems that Jacob's night terrors are often triggered by his allergies and asthma. It seems that if he doesn't have full capacity to breathe, when he slips into a deep sleep he awakens screaming. For a while, when he would frequently awaken screaming, we knew it meant one of two things - he needed to pee and was painfully holding it but unable to wake up enough to get to the bathroom, or he needed his inhaler. If he was very tired, his brain wouldn't even attempt to wake him up to get to the bathroom, but he would wake up with breathing trouble no matter what, and more often than not, he was in the night terror state. In other words, it was no use trying to talk to him. So, we have given many inhaler and breathing treatments through screams. We always figured, at least he was sucking in big breaths of the medicine.

So last night, close to 11 pm, Jacob abruptly jumped down from his bed and stumbled out to the couch and curled up into a ball. He would not respond to me at all, but he wasn't screaming either. I was getting ready to go to bed, and Heath was already in bed, so I went to get Heath to carry Jacob back to bed, thinking maybe he was just making a sleepy attempt to escape his bed. I stayed in our bedroom, but shortly heard screaming, and came out to find Jacob partially in Heath's arms, both sitting on the floor, and Jacob screaming blood-curdling screams and kicking and writhing. We made the normal attempts to communicate with him, and then sat back to wait it out together, talking in soothing voices and keeping him from kicking hard objects. Eventually I suggested that we try putting him in the bed between us, so that maybe he would know he was safe and calm down. Thankfully, it worked. Or maybe it was just time for the night terror to be over. Near the end, when he was still screaming, I was trying to stroke his hair or arm, and Heath reminded me that it doesn't help, it seems to just irritate him more. Finally, he abruptly stopped screaming. He reached up and tucked his right ear in, like he used to while sucking his binky. Heath and I looked at each other and nodded; it was over for now. In seconds he was conked out in a deep peaceful sleep. I laid next to him and let my arm rest next to his raised arm, next to his chest so I could feel his deep, steady breaths, and we let him stay in our bed for a little while.

I am always struck by how our children being in danger brings out a deep, almost primal love from within us. I know the night terrors are harmless, but seeing his face frozen in an expression of terror with mouth wide open screaming still triggers that response in me. The feelings and the situation itself seem to underscore the nature of my relationship with my firstborn. Tumult cushioned by fierce dedication. Perplexity moderated by deep attachment and delight in exactly who he is.

There has been more drama and emotion in my relationship with him than with my other children, and sometimes I say it's because he is more like me, but I don't really know that that's the case. He wants to be near someone all the time; I need time alone. He still throws violent, unpredictable, lengthy tantrums; I indulged only in milder tantrums typical for young children and outgrew them at a typical age. He has resisted almost every direction I've ever given him; I am very uncomfortable breaking the rules. But still, even when he resists me and pushes my buttons, even when I am most perplexed at his insistent struggle to have complete control over every detail of his own life, his emotions resonate with me. I think maybe it is a suspicion that the only difference between him and I is that I am quietly angry and quietly rebellious and quietly struggling to control every detail of my life, while he is dramatically so. (Yet aren't we all quietly struggling with things like this to some degree?) So, hopefully, as I discover ways to confront my quiet anger and rebellion and desire for control, I can help him deal with his. In the meanwhile, I will fiercely love and protect him.

Destine and Matt C. were in town this weekend for a wedding, and we had the privilege of hosting them at our house.  One of the neat things about it was watching their 14-month old, Eowyn, and our 16-month old, Samuel, play side by side.  I had Heath take this picture of them standing together so you could see what a giant Samuel appeared to be next to her.  She is pretty sweet. 

It was so nice to see them again and to catch up a little.  I always feel like we pick up right where we left off -  like time has passed and things have happened, but we're still just as at ease with one another and still enjoy each other's company just as much.  It makes me sad when they leave because I'm reminded how much we miss them and would enjoy seeing them more often. Yet, we're glad they have the good life they have where they are, and we are fortunate to be able to stay in touch through email, facebook, and phone.

I am supposed to leave some of the pictures for Heath to post on his blog, so you can go there to see the picture of their whole family together and some more of Wednesday, Eowyn and Samuel playing.

[Edit - for those of you who don't already know Destine and Matt... Destine was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and Matt was one of Heath's roommate the same year.  Destine and Matt started dating first, and got married the summer after Sophomore year; Heath and I started dating maybe 6 months after them and got married summer after Junior year.  They live in CO now where Destine is a nurse and Matt is a stay-at-home Dad while continuing to pursue music and art on the side.  Their daughter Wednesday is 10 now and in 5th grade, and daughter Eowyn is 14 months.]

I...

Betsy tagged me, so I will give this a shot.

I am - a Christian, a wife, a mother.

I want - to lose weight.

I have - three wonderful little boys.

I wish - sometimes, that life was easier.

I hate - cruelty and deception.

I fear - losing a child or my husband.

I hear - little boy make-believe noises for cars racing, planes flying, and heroes fighting.

I search - for answers to my questions and for little boy socks and shoes every morning.

I wonder - how the future will turn out.

I always - kiss my children goodnight and kiss my husband goodbye.

I usually - stay up too late.

I am not - picky.

I dance - less often as I used to, usually only with my children.

I sing - several times a day, often while changing diapers (to get a wiggly boy to lie still).

I never - run for exercise.

I rarely - bake.

I cry - when I feel desperately sad and rarely otherwise.

I am not always - confident.

I lose - my patience with whining, nagging, and stalling.

I'm confused - about some aspects of my faith lately.

I need - to avoid illness as much as possible this winter.

I should -  repaint the walls in almost every upstairs room of our house.

I dream - that someday we will be free of debt.

I TAG - Calana, Melanie, Kim, Kelsey

In the spirit of honesty and openness...  

I am feeling confused, maybe even disillusioned, lately about my role or position.  Does it even matter that I am home with my kids?    

When I first started staying home, it was so very important to me. Important enough to justify major financial consequences.  I think I had a pretty good idea at that time of the reasons it was important to me, to our family.  It seems that as more years have passed, more of that sense of purpose and importance of what I am doing has faded - especially during the times when I haven't felt like I was doing a very good job.

I have to admit, sending Jacob to school precipitated some of these feelings.  As long as we were convinced home schooling was the best thing, the thing we wanted and needed to do despite the sacrifices, then there was a clear purpose and important reason for me to be home for each of the children.  Once we decided to send him to school, and subsequently saw how good it seemed to be for him, I had to rethink my reasons for being home.  If our kids are all on track to start public school at age 5, then it begins to change my perspective on my role.

Ethan, too, could be in preschool for 3 hours a day this year (and I wish he was, but that's another story).  I have no doubt he would be fine with that; in fact, he would probably love it.  It seems that he needs my involvement on a daily, minute-by-minute basis less each year.  ("Of course," the rest of you are saying, but I am slow to realize these things sometimes.)  So I already see my role changing in his life, too, and I have struggled to know what place I am supposed to have and how or why my every day, all day involvement is still important.  I provide toys and games and art supplies and books, but he seems to want to watch TV or play video games most of the time lately (of course, part of the reason for this is him being sick often during the last several weeks and needing to lie around).  I feel like I allow him too much screen time, but I'm not sure of how else to direct him.  After shutting off the TV, I am faced with a whining, complaining, nagging little boy.  So that definitely puts me in a position of being "involved" in his daily life, but not in a way that makes me feel more effective or purposeful.  So far, I have felt pretty defeated and burned out by his whining and nagging.  Even though I do my best to never give in, I don't feel like we have made much progress in breaking these bad habits.  If we ever do get past the whining and nagging, I'm not sure what my role would be with him right now.  I want to encourage him to play independently, while still being involved on whatever level is helpful or appropriate, but I'm not sure what that looks like at this stage in his development.  I also worry that he is not getting the stimulation he needs at this age because of not being in preschool (but like I said, we can't do much about that right now).  So, all this tends to make me feel ineffective and lacking direction in my role as at-home Mommy to Ethan.  

Being home with Samuel has more of a clear purpose for me.  He obviously needs my constant supervision and lots of interaction.  I know I am doing the right things for him, providing experiences and things to explore, talking to him and reading to him and encouraging him.  Being home with him ensures he and I stay closely bonded, it allows me to control his sleep schedule more closely and ensure he is getting the rest he needs, it allows me to monitor what he's been eating and yes, even his pooping and peeing, as well as noticing any illnesses he may come down with right away and monitoring those closely.  (Boy, does that make me sound like a control freak, or what?)  But more than all those things, I just love watching my kids grow and develop at this age.  It is so amazing to be a part of their growth when they are so quickly mastering their environment and their own bodies.  So, you can see, I can justify my need and desire to be home with him much more easily than I could if I was only home for Ethan and Jacob.

Maybe that should be enough, being sure that I need to be home for Samuel. But it's not enough for me.  Feeling ineffective with Ethan and adjusting to not being needed by Jacob from 8:00 am - 3:20 pm each day are enough to cause me to feel confused and unsure about my role.

I'm finding being clear about my purpose is important for my own mental health, too.  I have struggled with depression off and on for years, as I have previously discussed on this blog.  I struggle more with it when I don't feel effective in my role here at home.  And then I get caught in a vicious cycle in which feeling depressed about it actually makes me less effective which makes me more depressed which makes me even less effective, and on and on.  It's a classic problem with depression - you feel too frozen to get up and do the very things that would help you not to feel depressed and frozen. Ug. 

I'm not sure how to regain that sense of purpose and effectiveness in my days.  Since I feel comfortable in my role with Samuel, it would seem I need to focus on making sure I am doing the right things with or for Ethan during his time at home with me.  Perhaps that would restore my confidence and sense of purpose.

My poor little guy! A big, big bump

For the full story and a better picture, see Nattyman's post.

focus

Today, I've been focusing on the positive. The good, enjoyable things about life. Like good food and drink. The beautiful mature trees in my back yard, and the way the light filters down through their leaves. The call of a little bird amidst the morning quiet. The cute things my kids do and say - like Samuel pushing the pretend mower with his little sun glasses on, which he wants to wear all the time either on his face or the top of his head, unless he can find a hat, which is his other favorite thing to wear; and like Ethan telling me "You just have to get used to it," when I told him I didn't enjoy playing video games nearly as much as he did. Good stories, in literature or on screen. Comfortable clothes and furniture.

Here are a couple of happy pictures to go with the positive focus. Samuel on his trike, with his sunglasses.