irony

Doesn't it seem like you always end up yelling at the kids after the least bothersome episode of naughtiness in a string of naughty episodes? They will be acting crazy, disobeying, being disrespectful, and I will tell them once, twice, maybe three times, "Hey, guys, this is not okay. You can't act this way; you know that." But then finally, they do one more thing, and it is enough to make me snap. I guess with each of the previous episodes, I think, "There, that reminder will get them back on track." But then it doesn't, and at some point I realize that the behavior is continuing almost as if I haven't said anything about it.

I think that must be what makes me snap - the appearance that they have not been listening to anything I've said, that my words don't have any significance to them. On a personal level, it makes me feel unimportant and unloved, even though my adult mind knows that their lack of adherence to my rules doesn't necessarily equate to their feelings toward me. That may nail down the essence of why repeated disobedience is so very offensive to me, though: The thought that, "If you aren't listening to me, it is because you don't think I am important, and by-gosh I better be important in your life because you are my child! I didn't go through labor and wipe your butt a million times to NOT have an influence on you."

So, apparently I need to remind myself that the boys lack of adherence to my rules doesn't equate with their feelings toward me. They may feel that I am very important, even the most important person in their life right now, and they may be deeply attached to me, but still not want to (or have difficulty with) obeying the rules. I mean, I love my husband very deeply and am very committed to him, but there are still times that I don't want to do what he wants me to do. As a grown-up, I get to argue the merit of my perspective, but if he's not convinced, and I still don't want to do what he wants, he will probably feel slighted and offended and in general, grumpy about it. But the fact is, it doesn't mean I love him any less, even if it feels that way to him - it just means I don't want to do what he's telling me to do. And of course, this goes the other way, too, with me feeling unloved when he won't do some self-sacrificing act for me that I am asking him to do, and I am not able to be convinced of the reasons why he can't or won't do it.

So, maybe I can avoid a little bit of irony in my life if I can remind myself not to take their disobedience so personally, not to snap at the third or fourth or fifth offense - which it so happens is usually the least meriting of a scolding. I can't decide whether it makes me look and feel more stupid to yell at the most grievous violation of the rules in an evening, even if it occurs with no misbehavior preceding it, or to yell at the least grievous violation of the rules in an evening, which occurs after several more serious violations have earned only reminders or warnings.

I mean, come on, and listen to me when I tell you not to put your hands on the sink drain where the germs wash down! I don't care if that's where all the alluring bubbles are, didn't you hear me say not to do it? And you know not to answer me in that baby voice with a one-word sentence and a silly look on your face - that only makes me more irritated.

Right? Definitely worth getting upset over, don't you think? Sigh.

retreat

I have to say that the WM retreat was really wonderful and certainly helped to renew our feelings of connectedness with our church family. Thanks to the generosity of my mom, we were able to have the freedom to talk and listen to other grown-ups much more than usual, since she watched Samuel for us all weekend. Jacob and Ethan came with us, but they were able to play outside with the other children with minimal supervision most of the time. I was reminded, as I frequently am, of just how special the people of WM are and how blessed we are to be a part of a community such as it. What a privilege to spend almost a whole weekend with so many of them. :-)

Heath took pictures and made them into a cool YouTube movie. You can see it here: Wheatland Mission Retreat Video

(I have waited several days to post this entry hoping Heath would make the edits he wanted to the video, but I have decided I can't wait any longer. So I'm sorry if some of the heads are still cut off.)

Halloween

kids update

In some ways, it seems that I have less to say on this blog as the kids get older. But in other ways, there is still a lot to say, but I simply don't have the time to record it all!

I'll start with the oldest child. Jacob is doing well in school, both academically and socially. It's such a blessing to not have to worry about either of my kids in school. He has friends and told us that he leads the kids at recess in their soccer games. Not that he knows the rules of soccer - but I guess he directs everyone as to what kind of game they are going to play on the soccer field with the soccer ball. I said, "Well, that makes sense that you would be a leader, because you know, Daddy is a leader at his work." Jacob said, "Yeah, I know." (Of course, Mom, I already thought of that.) He is a voracious reader, finishing a book every other night. After he plowed through the entire Magic Tree House collection we bought him this summer, I have started going to the library and checking out 10-15 little books at a time. He finishes them well before the 4 weeks are up, and I go get some more. We've discovered Encyclopedia Brown and The Littles now, so hopefully those series will keep him busy for a while. Luckily, I can still pick out educational historical fiction, like The Sword in the Tree, Riding the Pony Express, The Drinking Gourd, and Sam the Minuteman, and he thinks they are interesting. I have checked out many of the books in the Sonlight curriculum we were going to use for homeschooling, and he has enjoyed reading them. It makes me feel like we are still reaping some of the benefits that I was anticipating from using that curriculum, even though we're not actually home schooling.

Jacob is in "talent pool" for math, which means he gets taken out of the classroom to do higher level math during the regular math time a few times a week (I can't remember exactly how often). His teacher is also collecting information to get him tested for the gifted program by the end of the year, potentially to start the program in third grade. I'm not sure how I feel about that - I guess it could be really good for him. I certainly like it that he is getting more stimulating math at school now. The things they were doing in class he's been doing for a couple of years already. He just "gets" math. He told me that talent pool is way better than regular math, that they do things like 8+A=32. I said, "And you know how to do that?" He said "Yeah." (Again with the tone, like, "Well, yeah, of course, Mom.")

Jacob's behavior has become so easy and pleasant, although he still sometimes gets carried away with things with his brother and stops listening to us. We still have our conflicts with him, but they are much fewer and less intense. A firm reminder usually sets him back on the right path, with a few exceptions, like generalized wildness before bed.

Now to the second oldest child. Ethan also seems to be doing well in Kindergarten. He started a little "behind" by today's standards, in other words, not already reading. Ridiculous! He was not as interested in learning letter sounds or sounding out words as Jacob was during his preschool years, so I didn't push it, since I don't believe it is in any way necessary to read at that early age. When he started Kindergarten, the teacher put papers in his take-home folder with a page of letters in random order, to practice recognizing letter sounds, and columns of words, like cat, hat, rat, sat, bat, etc. The goal is to work through the pages - first recognizing all the letter sounds, then moving through the three-letter words columns. He took a while to get all the letter sounds, but now he has it and he is working quickly through the columns of small words. He's still behind most of his class in completing the columns, since he had to spend more time on letter sounds, but he's going to catch up pretty quickly now. I wanted to be careful that the process and the pressure to learn this didn't cause him to hate school or to think he "just wasn't good at reading" or something ridiculous like that. He's only 5, for heaven's sake! Thankfully, he has been mostly willing to practice (and I don't push it when he's not), and he is super excited that he "reads now!" They'll start sending home little books to read each night after Christmas, and I think he'll be ready. I have been thankful that his teacher seems to hold a similar view, that despite having goals and plans for them learning to read in Kindergarten, we don't pressure them, we still let them be kids. His teacher has been doing this for about 20 years, starting back when we only taught letters in Kindergarten. So he has a broad perspective that I appreciate.

I think Ethan is doing well in the friend arena, as well. He has always been extroverted and good at making friends. When I visited for lunch and recess, it seemed to me that he knew and was playing with everyone. But then when I ask about his friends, he'll say he doesn't have any, or that he only has one or two. His definition of "friend" must be a little bit different than mine. Also, he sometimes tells me things about school that are not altogether accurate in order to be dramatic or to get attention in the midst of Jacob sharing interesting stories about school, so I don't know. He had one friend that he really liked who sat across from him, who moved after a few weeks of school, and he was sad about that. But now he has made friends with two other boys who sit at his table, so hopefully those will be friendships that will last throughout the year. He also has two little girls he is friends with, identical twins in his class. I suspect one or both of them probably thinks he is her "boyfriend," but I think Ethan is clueless about it. So that's pretty cute. I don't think he can tell them apart, but he plays with both of them.

Ethan's behavior at home is still pretty crazy and difficult. He has an incredible amount of energy, is always moving, and physical with other kids and objects/furniture around him. He is loving and sweet at times, but he also pushes his limits constantly. I know he'll get it eventually, and I'm trying to be patient. But it can be maddening to tell him for the millionth time not to "discipline" Samuel, not to exact revenge on Jacob, to let us deal with his brothers instead; not to say "hate" or "evil" (as in "Sam is evil" or "Jacob is evil" - we think that is too strong and don't want him to say it) or to talk about bodily functions all the time. His teacher says his behavior is mostly okay at school, except for wrestling other kids during rug time. I can just picture it!

Now to the youngest child. Samuel has become two. He turned two five months ago, but he only became two a month ago. Since he became two, he has unrolled a roll of TP and tried to stuff it down a shower drain after removing the drain cover, taken handfuls of ashes out of the fireplace and spread them around the family room (including over the electronics), and removed about 15 keys from the laptop keyboard. On top of those major events, he also tries to empty soap dispensers and cover the bathroom counters, mirrors and floors with water whenever possible and gets into the Vaseline next to the changing table and spreads it all over himself and his bedroom surfaces whenever opportunity arises. I have put doorknob covers on a couple of doors and resorted to locking the bathroom downstairs much of the time. He also throws toys, but we have been working on curbing that habit for a while. It didn't seem like a big deal until all this other stuff was added to it. Onery! He is just so onery! It'll pass, I know. He had just been really ridiculously easy and pleasant up to this point, and we didn't think we'd go through this kind of stuff with him. He's also recently decided he's done with naps. What?!? Yeah, he's not even two and a half. I am not so happy about this development. But I'll put him in his bed, and he'll stay in there and talk for 30 minutes and finally wander out. He doesn't even act tired, so I don't feel like it's fair to force it. I really need my nap time break to survive, though, so I've got to figure something else out. He's been napless for at least a week now.

Samuel is talking more every day, and I am delighted about that. It is so fun to hear his words and ideas. He labels things as "BIG" in a deep, gruff voice, or "cute" if it is small. He is recognizing some colors. He's using many three or four word sentences, though I doubt people outside our family could understand him. He had started going in the potty, and I thought maybe we would potty train early with him, but now he has decided he's not interested. Maybe a couple of times a day he'll want to go in the potty, but he has no reservations about going in his pullup the rest of the time (or in his underwear if we put those on him again). I think it is probably not worth pushing the issue at this point. Maybe on a weekend, we will try again just with underwear and see how it goes. He may just be in an independent/rebellious stage now that is not conducive to potty training.

Well, that covers some basics for the kids. I'll try to post Halloween pictures soon. :-)

How much?

**Here is an entry I wrote back in December 2008 but never posted. I decided to edit and post it now. **

The other night, we were discussing with my in-laws Rob Bell's newest book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians. The book points out the tendency of God's people to forget that He is a rescuer of the oppressed when they themselves are no longer members of the oppressed. Bell reminds his readers that God always hears the cry of the oppressed and the needy, and that we are to represent His merciful, rescuing nature to the world.

As we reflected on this truth, we realized the difficulty in agreeing about precisely how this translates into real-life action. Bell is calling us to a higher level of giving than currently exists, and many of us would agree that the poverty that exists worldwide is sickening, especially in light of American affluence.* So we agree that we need to give more as a group, but how does that translate into our individual lives? Is there a point at which Christians should draw the line in their lifestyle and say "This is enough; I will give the rest away"? Or is there a point when we can agree that the poor among us are provided for, so it is okay to have whatever lifestyle one wishes, within one's means?

I do not think that God wishes all of his people to be at exactly the same level of wealth or poverty; I don't believe making a lot of money or having a lot of wealth is inherently displeasing to God. Rather, I see how God works through His people who do make a lot of money or have a lot of wealth to bless others who are in need. It is only when God's people hoard their wealth at the expense of helping the poor that the wealth becomes an obstacle to a relationship with God. In that situation, the poor suffer, but the wealthy also suffer as they cling to their wealth and forget their God.

Even when Christians who are high earners or born wealthy are willing to give, there is still the decision of how much. How much to keep and how much to give? Furthermore, in giving, should one concern oneself first with our fellow Americans, or primarily with the desperately poor in other countries?

We do have some government programs to help Americans in need, but do these programs meet the needs that exist? Here are some interesting numbers I compiled about the qualifying income for a family of four for various government programs:

$42,850 - maximum amount a family of four can earn without paying taxes

$42,400 - to qualify for State-sponsored health insurance for children (for a fee)

$39,783 - to receive Earned Income Credit

$39,220 - to receive WIC vouchers

$31,806 - for pregnant woman or child under age 1 to be on Medicaid

$28,194 - for children 1-5 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

$27,564 - to receive food stamps

$21,200 - for children 6-19 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

These amounts may conjure a wide range of reactions in those who see them. Some may think, "How does anyone live on that amount!" Others may think, "That's not so little! I can't believe the threshold is so high for certain programs." This reflects the difficulty in deciding what it means to care for the poor. Consider this: According to the Census Bureau, among poor families (earning less than $21,027 for a family of 4):

66% have living space of more than 2 rooms per person (on average a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom house), 75% own a car and 31% own two cars, 97% have a color television, 55% have two or more TVs, 25% have a large screen TV, 78% have a VCR or DVD player, 62% have cable or satellite tv, 89% have a microwave oven, 64% have a clothes washer, 58% have a clothes dryer, 50% have a stereo, 33% have a dishwasher, 91% have phone service, 33% have both landline and cell phones.

I am not listing these statistics in order to downplay the difficulties faced by families in poverty. I am simply illustrating that the standard of living that we perceive as "minimal" for Americans is changing. When my mother was growing up, her family had almost none of the conveniences listed above, nor did most middle class families (of course, many were not invented yet). Even in my childhood, a family considered poor would usually not have phone service or a television, and certainly not a washer and dryer, dishwasher, microwave, VCR or cable service. We have gotten used to our conveniences and can't imagine what it would be like to live without them, so we have come to think that everyone must have them. So often when a family is having trouble making ends meet, it is in light of this lifestyle which we have made the norm in our society. This illustrates that food or shelter insecurity is not often an ongoing condition for families in the United States. Even among the poor in America, food and shelter needs are generally met, allowing other amenities to be acquired. So, the needs of America's poor are more likely to be help in a temporary housing or food crisis and help with other less critical but still important needs, like health care and education.

Turning our attention to the poor outside our country, we are faced with a much different picture. People in other countries are truly starving, lacking shelter and clothing, lacking clean water and basic protection from disease. God's heart and the heart of His people cry out to meet these critical needs. It often seems beyond our grasp to truly make a difference for the huge number of desperately poor, but we can at least contribute to change.

So, what do you think? Do you have a lifestyle limit in mind for yourself (or others), beyond which any income would be given to the poor? How do you think we should balance our giving between home and foreign countries? How do we define need, and is it possible to agree that needs are being met, short of coming to a point of everyone having essentially the same standard of living?

*Heath pointed out the need to reword this sentence, when I at first wrote that American affluence is sickening in light of worldwide poverty. Actually, the poverty is what is sickening and wrong.

plans

I have made some changes to my plans for day care for the upcoming year. My original plan was to go at it full-force - to take the maximum number of children I was allowed to take, to put all my energy toward it. Now, I've decided that I am going to limit myself to 4 children instead of 6 during the day - that is 3 plus Samuel. I think this will be more manageable and keep me from getting too overwhelmed or stretched thin, insuring that I have the energy I need for my own family, too. However, if at some point all the children I'm caring for are potty-trained 3 and 4 year olds, then maybe I could consider caring for more than 4 during the day. It's been harder than we expected to do housework in the evenings - after feeding the kids and putting them to bed, we are both more than ready to quit working for the day. So, maybe taking four instead of six children will allow me to keep up on some of the cleaning necessary for day care during day care hours.

Right now I only have one extra child I am caring for. I purposefully didn't advertise my openings until just a couple of days ago, because I wanted to have a light load during the last couple of weeks before school started. Part of me thinks I should have waited to start day care until my big boys started school. This summer, having them home and doing day care, was harder than I thought. Yet, I don't know if I could have done anything more for/with them had I not had day care children here. I still couldn't have taken them to the pool for long periods of time every day, unless they wanted to stay in the baby pool with Samuel and I the entire time, since I can't keep all three of them safe by myself in the deeper water. And I don't think I could have done any more to manage their fighting without day care kids here. At least caring for day care kids reassured me that I was still doing something well, despite being unable to prevent or control my big boys' fighting at times. How can they love and rely on each other so much and still torture each other the way they do? Having breaks from each other now that school has started certainly helps their relationship and my tension level.

Work and money are funny things sometimes. I read an Amish fictional book recently, as I do from time to time, and I was reminded of how much our work can make us feel important or unimportant, powerful or powerless. The Amish purposefully chose jobs that keep them humble. They don't educate their children beyond 8th grade because there is no job in the Amish life that requires higher education, and they believe that higher education would only serve to make members of their community proud and elitist. It is an interesting thing to ponder, I think - how much we choose our jobs because of the importance and power they confer, or how much we choose them simply to provide for ourselves and our families. I don't want to be poor -- I don't think any of us does, really, just for the sake of being poor, although some choose it to draw closer to God. I think providing for our family is the main reason Heath and I work, and in the fields that we do. But the element of gaining prestige or significance from one's work does creep in at times. However, even if we wanted to choose a very simple, humble life now, scaling down our housing, rarely eating out, getting rid of our tv service, high-speed internet (gasp!) and our iphones (gasp!), we would still have the little matter of our debts, mostly education debts. So we work to pay them off, and in the process we become accustomed to a lot of other perks. But I also get mad at the money and the work it requires, sometimes. Why do we need so much of it? Why does it seem we can't live on less? No matter how much we make, why is the debt still so hard to pay off? It shouldn't be so mysterious or difficult, but sometimes it seems like it is.

I am finding I rarely have the chance to post even the most blog-worthy events anymore! So I am thinking I need to just do shorter entries whenever I can squeeze them in, in order to record some of the things that are happening in our lives. So here's one:

Samuel loves to go potty on the potty seat. Last night, when I changed him before bed he was completely dry after about an hour and a half in that diaper. So I asked if he wanted to go on the potty, which of course he did, and instead of just a tiny amount like the other times he has gone, it was a regular amount! I was so excited! Then, this morning he wanted to go on the potty again, but only had a little bit to pee. I put a pullup on him thinking I would let him try again later. But before we could try again, he came to me without the pullup on, holding a wet wipe and trying to wipe his own bottom but needing help. I found the pullup discarded with the poop in it, but Samuel had run in to sit on the potty seat before I could wrestle him onto the changing table to get cleaned up. I let him sit there for a bit, dumped the poop from his pullup into the potty so he could flush it, cleaned him and toilet seat up. Then I decided to put underwear on him to see if maybe he is actually ready to be trained. (I don't think putting them in pullups is really effective for serious potty training, just for letting them gain some familiarity with the process before they are really ready to start going on the potty consistently.) He didn't want the plain white underwear on because his pullup was cooler. But then I got out the Spiderman underwear. He said, almost reverently, "Spidey!" and eagerly put them on.

Unfortunately, he wet in that pair fairly quickly. But he was immediately concerned and told me about it. (Some kids are oblivious and will continue to run around wet until you find the puddle.) He sat on the potty to see if he could go any more, then we found a pair of Cars underwear for him. I have a timer set to put him on the potty again. I know it is really early for this, but he seems to want to learn if possible. I'll let you know how it goes!

(sorry for the poor quality; it's a phone picture - here he is wearing the beloved Spidey underwear)

our vacation - part two - pictures!

our vacation - part one

Our Florida vacation was wonderful! Exactly what we needed. Mostly in the interest of supplementing my own memories, I'm going to describe a little bit of our experience. I don't expect that everyone would want to read all this detail, but if you are one of the few who do, here you go.

The first three nights, we stayed at the Westin Imagine Orlando, a four star hotel which we were fortunate enough to get for half price on priceline.com. The hotel is specifically designed to be restful, from the “Heavenly Bed” and “Heavenly Shower” to the signature scent – white tea and aloe - that is in the lobby as well as in the “Heavenly Spa” toiletries provided in the bathroom. The room we stayed in has a king size bed and kitchenette (the rooms with two queen size beds do not have the kitchenette). The "Heavenly Bed" consists of a thick pillow top mattress covered with high quality sheets, a light down comforter, another flat sheet on top of that, and finally a fluffy fiber-fill comforter. There were four thick feather pillows, two long king size and two regular size for each of us, plus a long bolster pillow. The “Heavenly Shower” consists of two shower heads, one above the other, each with a choice of massage or regular spray. The rooms are decorated in sage, aqua, ecru, and beige – again, designed to be restful. The kitchenette has a sink, microwave, small fridge, and cabinets and drawers equipped with a few essential dishes, utensils, and small appliances. We certainly enjoyed having access to it for our late night bowls of cereal and chilled pop and frappaucinos. The counter and furniture tops are all a solid surface and the bathroom floor and shower walls are tiled. The hotel has a nice pool surrounded by padded lounge chairs, big umbrellas, and glass-top tables, with a poolside bar offering outrageously priced drinks. (Heath thoroughly enjoyed two $10 margaritas.) I had forgotten how relaxing it could be to float in the water, simply to relax and cool off, with no one else to watch over. Finally, the hotel has valet parking, which I thought was silly at first, but a necessary expense in order to stay here, but which turned out to be a luxury we have really enjoyed.

Our meals were wonderful. We looked up restaurants ahead of time, to see what other travelers rated as their top picks. Le Coq au Vin is a small French place, not very busy for our Friday late lunch, but absolutely delicious. Heath had a corn and crab chowder that was very smooth and buttery – it tasted like comfort feels. I had rabbit for the first time, which was covered in a lovely prune sauce and served with fresh green beans and carrots and macaroni and cheese unlike any macaroni and cheese I'd had before. The cheese was something rich and textured and the sauce was accented with some kind of spice or small vegetables – I couldn't tell exactly what. Heath had the coq au vin, which was also covered in a wonderful sauce and served with the fresh green beans and carrots, but with egg noodles instead of macaroni. His sauce was more like a rich, wine-flavored, thin brown gravy, whereas mine was a bit thicker and sweeter. We shared a glass of the house Cabernet Sauvignon, which was quite good. It was from a winery in France whose name escapes me, nothing I'd heard of before. If we lived in Orlando, I could see this becoming our favorite date restaurant. As we left, we read the signed pictures and plaques from congressmen and Presidents for whom the chef had cooked, and made note of the many awards the restaurant had received.

For dinner Friday, we went to Roy's, a Hawaiian restaurant. We had a sushi roll to start, which was wrapped in salmon and some other kind of fish and had spicy tuna in the middle. There was also rice coating the outside of the roll and thin slices of avocado on top. It was quite interesting and not what I expected. I can see how you could develop a taste for sushi, but I don't see myself going out of my way to have it again. I am glad we tried one of their sushi rolls, though, since I think I would have regretted it if we hadn't. They also served complimentary steamed edame with a special seasoning sprinkled on it, like other restaurants would serve bread before your meal. It was crunchy and sort of addictive, cracking open the shells like peanuts and popping the beans into one's mouth. For our meal, I had salmon coated with some sort of cheese – I can't remember what it was called now - served with barley accented with almonds and a mustard vinaigrette on the side. Heath had the hibachi-grilled salmon, which had a sweet soy sauce mixture on it, and was served with a strange little cake of white rice, shaped into a triangle and rolled on the outside edges in some spices. There were also thinly sliced cucumbers and carrots in some sort of vinaigrette served with his salmon. It was all very good and very unique. Not a place we would want to go all the time since it was just so strange and different to us, and pretty expensive, but an interesting place to go for special occasions.

For lunch Saturday, we went to a highly rated local place for sandwiches (after two rich meals in a row, I craved something light!). Pompoms Tea House and Sandwiches was small and out of the way, but the relaxed atmosphere, warm and upbeat staff, and the creative menu were just what we needed. We both had the Cobb sandwich, which was turkey with melted blue cheese, bacon, avocado, watercress, and red onions (which we both left off), on your choice of bread and pressed like a panini sandwich, only without the grill lines. Very tasty and filling, and also very affordable. I had the Chai, which included free refills, much to my surprise. Heath tried a local beer, Orange Blossom Pilsner, which contained orange blossom honey. No beer tastes good to me, but Heath says this one was good. We admired the photos displayed on the walls from a local artist before leaving.

After another afternoon lounging by the pool, we lazily got around and decided to pick a top rated Italian restaurant for dinner Saturday evening. Magianno's Little Italy was the best Italian restaurant I have been to so far. The atmosphere was delightful – 1940's theme, with many old painting and photographs all over the walls, old music, curtains, furniture – everything the way it would have been back then. The stuffed mushroom appetizer and the Lobster ravioli were fantastic. Heath had the special, Chicken Florentine (covered in Parmesan cheese and pan fried), with creamed spinach and buttered potatoes on the side. He had the house Merlot and I had coffee with cream, both of which were quite good accompaniments to our meal.

Sunday, we checked out of the Westin and moved to the resort where Heath's conference was Sunday night through Wednesday noon. Our room at the JW Marriot was very similar to our room at the Westin - similar size and luxuries, except lacking a kitchenette and having a larger bathroom with separate shower and bath instead. But the hotel which contained our room and the conference center and grounds adjacent to it were just amazing. Grand is the word that comes to mind. Tall ceilings, floors and walls made of marble, enormous paintings on the walls, sculptures and pottery on tables, huge chandeliers, and a huge fountain in the center of the lobby. There was a golf course, lazy river swimming pool, spa, playgrounds, sand volleyball court - I'm sure I'm leaving something out. Of course, we didn't actually have time to enjoy any of that (and even if we had the time, I think we still would have spent it lying by the pool, like we did at the Westin!). It was impressive that there was access to it, though. There were also little overpriced clothing shops and salons off the lobby and even a Starbucks. We had access to, I think, six restaurants at this resort. We ate at Citron after Heath finished his session Sunday evening, because they were offering a special for attendees of his conference and the menu looked interesting. It was good food, but I think I would have preferred it not to be a buffet. It was a fancy sort of restaurant where you would not expect a buffet, and I found I didn't know what to try and what to put together for a meal. I did like getting to try all the miniature desserts, though.

I have pictures that I will download and post later. To sum it up - we basically slept and slept and laid around by the pool and read books and talked and ate at really good places. It was perfect. :-)

this week

I am really sick.

That's the first thing that had been hard this week.

I woke up at 4 am Tuesday morning thinking, "Oh, my throat!", took ibuprofen, went back to sleep for a few hours, and managed to make it through the day. Each day the pain in my throat and ears and the vicinity has gotten worse, but I've had to keep doing day care and taking care of my own kids because...

Tuesday morning, the email server for Heath's department's customers went down. He told me he would be at the office "until further notice," and it's pretty much been true. He's come home to sleep for a few hours here and there, and yesterday he actually got home shortly after 6 pm and stayed until 8 am this morning (taking work calls and messages from here). Not that I noticed, since I went straight to bed when he got here.

So I've done daycare from 6:30 am - 5:50 pm each day, taken him dinner, then put the kids to bed - except for last night, I pointed him to the leftovers in the fridge and let him put the kids to bed, while I went straight to my own bed.

This morning, my throat and the vicinity were even worse, and I thought, "There is no way I can do this again today." I called all my day care parents and told them, except for one, the little girl who comes at 6:30 am, who I couldn't reach in time (and I don't think they would have had any other options, anyway). Then we tried to call the teenage babysitters we sometimes use to see if one of them could come over and help for the day. No luck. So I've been trying to plow through by myself. It has not been pretty.

I finally got the two two-year-olds down for naps now, so I only have Ethan to keep happy for the next hour and a half (probably just an hour now). Heath says he will be home at a normal time again, so I might get a welcome break, until tomorrow morning at least. He'll have to leave work in time for church tomorrow, because he is doing the teaching since Paul will be gone.

Part of me is amazed that I've made it through this week so far, but part of me is just disgusted with my weakness, i.e., the fact that I have now given in to feeling really angry and nagging Heath to give me the support and help I desperately need, rather than being "supportive" and happily bringing him meals and such, blah blah blah. I come back around to thinking over and over that I just wasn't not cut out to be an adult.

Stupid week.

Happy Birthday, Samuel!

My baby is two years old today! I can't imagine life without him. What a joy he's been so far, and I look forward to all the years to come!

just an update

Allright, so I've been horrible about blogging. But I realized that it is the only way of keeping up with some of my out-of-town friends, and I want them to feel connected to me like I do to them when I read their blog posts. So, even if I don't write anything profound, I figure I should still say something on here occassionally.

So far, I think I am really going to like doing day care. I only have two full-time day care kids right now, an almost one year old baby girl and a 32 month old little boy. But I also have the neighbor boys, almost 5 and 7, here every other day and will soon have a 2 and 3 year old who are here every other day (maybe opposite days from the neighbor boys? don't know for sure yet).

Each child has a unique way of speaking that I have to get used to. The 2.5 year old full-time little boy doesn't speak very clearly yet, though he does talk quite a bit. So it's always a guessing game. It seems like something about the dog is usually a safe guess. He follows the dog around and even has him in his bed to nap. Then, the younger neighbor boy, who I've been around quite a bit, has a unique way of talking that I am still not quite accustomed to.

A:"Look." [holding a book about sharks]

me:(excitedly)"Sharks!"

A:"They bite you?"

me:(soberly)"Yes. They bite you. But lucky for us, they are mostly way out in the ocean where we will never see them."

A:"What about a yellow duck?"

me:"A yellow duck?"

A:"Yeah, they bite you."

me:(reassuringly)"No, yellow ducks don't bite."

A:"What about a white duck?"

me:"No, they don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying a WHITE duck bite you."

me:"White ducks don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying they do bite."

me:"Uhhh.... Well, I think they just have bills. No teeth."

A:(insistent)"No, they bite."

me:(acting surprised)"They do? Who told you that?"

A:"At the zoo. We saw ducks and I put down my hand and it bite me!"

me:"Oh! Do you think he thought your hand was a piece of bread?"

A:(looking at hand)"But I don't have no bread."

me:"No, you didn't, did you? But maybe he thought you did?"

A:"Yeah."

me:(reassuring)"But ducks don't try to eat you. Sharks try to eat you, but ducks might just think you had a piece of bread."

A:"Yeah." [wanders off to play]

This was one of our more successful conversations. In the past I have sometimes abandoned the conversations and just nodded and agreed because of the sense that we were not communicating with each other.

I am very pleased that the 2.5 year old full-time boy has had no trouble napping and has seemed happy and adjusted here. The almost 1 year old baby girl requires a lot more attention, of course - still needing to be spoon fed, fighting taking naps, and simply being fussy and wanting to be held more. But she's so cute and really is sweet - it's just normal stuff for her age. I think she'll not fuss to be held a lot and not cry at nap time as she gets older and more used to our routine.

The first week that Jacob was out of school was crazy. I thought I would have to send Jacob and Ethan to a different day care while I did my own day care! Their behavior, and specifically the way they set off and intensified each other's spells of misbehavior, was just miserable. I realized that that is exactly the sort of thing that makes me feel incompetent, out of control, incapable... you get the idea. This was contrary to the way I had been feeling lately about doing day care and, in general, about parenting. I had felt like this new venture was suited to me and would allow me to feel productive and effective and competent. But if this is how my own boys were going to act..! I looked into summer day camps, but none took 5 year olds, so it would only be an option for Jacob, and all but one were quite expensive! And then, this weekend, they got Daddy day camp - which had as its main feature no screen time, the very thing they were nagging me to death over and the source of many fights. Interestingly, they have been much more manageable, even enjoyable at times, during day care hours this week. (Huge sigh of relief.) Granted, part of it was probably the need to adjust, for Jacob, to a different environment, and for Ethan, to having Jacob home full-time again. But I was worried for a minute there. I'm hoping the rest of the summer will be smooth sailing.

Yesterday, for some reason, was an incredibly busy day care day - I felt like I was on my feet continuously doing something from 6 am to 6:30 pm (although I wasn't actually). I told Heath I hadn't worked that hard since I waitressed - and not the piddly waitressing I did in GC; but the kick my butt cause me to lose weight when I was already skinny waitressing I did in Wichita and Manhattan. Isn't it ironic how food service jobs pay so pathetically when they work you so hard? It is the same kind of labor intensive work that I was dealing with yesterday, too - cleaning things to certain standards. I have to continuously have my dishes done, which is fine, since I should have been doing that for the last 12 years, really. But there are other things that were not previously part of my routine - like cleaning the changing pad with a bleach solution after each time we use it, and washing not just my hands, but the baby's hands each time they are changed. Enforcing that each child washes their hands with soap before and after each meal and after each potty break. It takes much longer with 7 kids than with 3! And the regulation says it has to be soap and water - not hand sanitizer or a wet washcloth like we have often used to quickly clean our own kids' hands. Hand sanitizer is only supposed to be used when soap and water are unavailable. Toys are to be sanitized once a week, and each child is to have individual bedding that is washed once a week. I also try to sanitize the tile floors once a week, and I need to sweep almost every day (depending on how much we were inside and whether we had any snacks downstairs). I have to ensure that meals include milk, meat, bread, fruit, and vegetable - even if I know the children won't eat it. I guess studies have shown that a child may need to be offered a food 8 or 10 times or something like that before they will eat it. So we throw away a lot more this way, but it is probably the right thing to do to keep them healthy long term - to give them a taste for a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the perspective that fruits and vegetables are a necessary accompaniment to every meal.

At any rate, the detail of the regulations reminds me of side work in waitressing. Are the salt and pepper shakers filled almost to the brim, but not so full that it is hard to get out? Do you have twelve of each of the varieties of sweetener, and are they positioned in the right order in the container? Did you wipe down the legs and backs of the chairs and the ledges and decorations in your section? Did you refill every container in your assigned section of the back of the house, wipe down every horizontal and vertical surface, sweep, mop, clean the microwave, fill the ice? All at $2.13 an hour after you're cut from the floor (not taking tables anymore). The requirements for day care are a lot easier to stomach since it is readily apparent why they are my responsibility rather than anyone else's and how they relate to my prosperity, versus the restaurant owner's.

photo shoot

It's pretty hard to get three boys to smile and look at the camera at the same time, but Heath made a noble effort. I think we got several good shots, and a few more amusing ones.

comparisons

My friend Michele is really good about posting comparison pictures of her two girls. I rarely do it, but I wanted to compare what each boy looked like around 2 years old. Samuel will be 2 years old in a about a month, so I collaged pictures of Jacob and Ethan around the same age. The picture in the bottom right of Jacob's collage is not great, but it was the closest I had to Samuel's age right now. I think they each have a distinct look. Do you see similarities?

update (read post before this one first)

I got my temporary license in the mail today! That means that I can start taking clients immediately if I wanted. I am not quite ready myself, but maybe soon. The surveyor will still have to come and check the house, and after she checks it, the permanent license will be issued. Permanent until I have to renew it in a year, that is.

Wow. Pretty crazy. I could really be doing this soon!

Jenny's Day Care

I have been putting off, for some reason, sharing the news that we are starting our own home day care.

Yes, I know, I get frustrated with my own number of kids sometimes, right? So why add to that? Well....

1) Having the boys' friends over here a lot this year has shown me that a larger group of kids, particularly kids that are not your own, are not difficult in the same way as caring for your own children at home all day. Other people's kids don't challenge you or test you the same way that kids will challenge and test a parent. (One would hope. At least most of the time.) Also, when the kids are not all your own, and several are about the same age, chances are they will play together nicely, rather than torturing each other all day like siblings often do. They may even distract the sibilings in the group from torturing each other. Granted, a larger group is difficult in other ways, like preparing more food and supervising crafts or projects for a larger number of children. With my little bit of experience with it, it seems to be more physically challenging but less psychologically/emotionally challenging. If you have experience with this and can correct me, feel free.
2) Ethan is going to all-day Kindergarten in the fall. So, Samuel will be my only child at home for the majority of the day. I have been past the continually-overwhelmed-adjusting-to-having-three-kids-and-taking-care-of-a-baby-again stage for a while, and in the fall the easing up of the pressure will be even more noticeable. So, as usual, I need to find something to fill in the space and stretch myself. That is not entirely true, but the point is that for the first time since I've been home with the kids, I can actually envision being able to devote some energy to something other than caring for my own kids and household. Also, Heath knows that he will have to share the housework with me if I do this, or so he says - and I am holding him to it. It won't be an option not to help, I don't think, since we will have to keep the house up to a certain standard in order to do day care. So, each evening we'll have to get certain things up to spec so we can be ready for the next day, and I don't *think* he'll let me do it all while he watches TV or lies on the couch.
3) We really want to pay off our debt quickly. We looked at all the options for me bringing in some income, and seeing as I don't really want to leave Samuel with someone for more than a few hours a week, and I don't have any highly paying skills, and certainly not ones that I could make money with from home or in just a few hours a week... opening a home day care rose to the top as the clear choice. I do love and enjoy kids, and I have been spending the last six years gaining experience at caring for them. Plus, I have family members who do it and can save me from having to learn everything the hard way. Watching them both encourages me and challenges me, since they do such a good job at it. Heath and I both know going into it that it will be hard work, but we want to take it on, and we want to do it well.
4) If I find it is too challenging, I could always hire someone, probably a teenage girl, to come in and help me for a certain number of hours each week. This would slow down paying off the debt, but I would still make enough to justify doing it.

So, anyway, we are planning on starting this summer. Sometimes I think we should wait until the school year begins, so I don't have both my big boys home all day in the beginning, but then I think, I can just start with a few kids this summer if need be. I will be allowed to have up to five children other than Samuel who are not yet school age. I can also have up to four school age children, depending on how many of the other children are under 18 months. I have considered not taking any children younger than Samuel, but on the other hand I love, love, love little ones. It is my favorite stage. They need a lot of attention, but they sleep a lot, too. My two big boys will fill the school age slots, and possibly their neighbor friends will, too - I'm not sure how that will work out this summer. Right now the boys go back and forth between the two houses quite a bit, and of course we don't charge for any time that they are here. I don't want to fill the other two school age slots, partly because I just don't particularly want to, but also because I want our boys to be free to have their friends over to play. Feel free to weigh in on when you think I should start and what ages I should take.

Heath has created a wonderful website for me: www.jennyskids.com It's not totally finished, but most of the info is there. It introduces me, for those who don't know me, and it tells what our day care will be like. Like I said, we won't be starting until the end of this school year - I am still waiting for the state surveyor to come out and inspect our home to see that is complies with all the numerous regulations. But, if you know anyone who needs a good day care home in the southeast part of town, feel free to refer them to me and to my website!

potty break

So, twice now we have had late night potty visits by Jacob to the wrong bathroom. And by the wrong bathroom, I mean 1) our room, and 2) Samuel's room.

Just now I thought I heard Jacob's door open, so I went to check, and sure enough the door was open and Jacob had moved to Ethan's bed. (He was sort of lying next to Ethan cuddling him, but mostly splayed out on top of him.) I said, "Jacob, did you go pee? Jacob? Jacob? Did you go pee? Did you wet your bed?" I checked the bed, and no, thankfully it was dry. On my way to go check the hallway bathroom I notice that Samuel's light is on, and he's crying. I open the door, and there in the corner of the rocking chair in Samuel's room is a puddle.

Jacob obviously thought he was in the bathroom. He did this before in our bedroom - walked in to the spot where the toilet would be, if it was the bathroom, and casually let go and peed on our floor. Then he went back to bed, completely unresponsive to us the whole time.

Well, at least he isn't wetting the bed anymore.

personalities

Betsy posted on her blog today about the personality test she took recently, and how her result had changed from what it was in high school. I was shocked when I saw her post, because for the last two evenings, Heath and I have been discussing personality profiles, and I was planning on posting today some thoughts about it. That's easy for me to claim now, but it really is true. I didn't just steal her idea. :-)

Unlike Betsy, my personality profile hasn't changed. The description of the INFP from personalitypage.com describes me really well, with just a few things that are off because I am not purely "P"erceiving, and at times lean toward "J"udging. Here are some of the descriptions that I thought were particularly true of me: (I wanted to just copy the quotes from the article, but apparently that is illegal?)

INFP's are seeking meaning in life, purpose, truth, connections.

INFP's are idealists and perfectionists. They usually have very high standards and are hard on themselves. They may have trouble working with a group because others' standards aren't as high, or it is hard for them not to be in control. Their idealism and perfectionism can paralyze them if they don't learn to balance it with reality.

INFPs are intuitive. They especially use their intuition to guide them about people.

INFP's are generally thoughtful and considerate. They care deeply about people and are genuinely interested in them; they are good at listening and putting people at ease. However, they usually are not able to express their deep caring very well verbally and are awkward and uncomfortable when they try. Instead, they are often good writers and are able to define and express their feelings very well in written form.

INFPs hate conflict because of their focus on feelings. Conflict makes them feel terrible, and they can only focus on the fact that they don't want to feel terrible. Because conflict is so upsetting to INFPs, they are often illogical and irrational in conflict situations; they may have outbursts in which they throw out fact after fact which are not logically true. In contrast to this personal difficulty with conflict, INFPs are often able to help others work out their differences because of their intuitive understanding of other people's perspectives and feelings and their genuine care for others and desire to help them.

INFP's projects or interests can become a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented generally, they will cover every possible detail for the cause they are interested in and will become passionate about it.

You can see the entire description at personalitypage.com/INFP.html. The stuff about conflict seems especially true to me (and Heath agreed a little too enthusiastically). It's funny to see someone write a definition of a personality type that describes even the parts of my personality that I have always thought didn't go together. I really care a lot about people, so why can't I express it to them in person? And why can't I handle conflict calmly and gracefully with those same people I care so much about? I am such an idealist and perfectionist, in theory and in specific areas I become obsessed about, but overall I am not good at making sure everything gets done (does this fall under "not detail oriented"?). Well, apparently it's a whole group of people who are like me. Who knew?

P.S. - I would LOVE to hear what personality type you are and what about the description fits you the most. :-)

lost and found

You will not believe this.

Jacob just came home from school. He rode home with his friend Ethan H., like usual. Both boys came storming in the door, like usual, but today they had a special guest with them - our dog, Mason!

I was stunned. I didn't even realize Mason had gotten out. We'd been in and out of the house all day, enjoying the beautiful weather, and earlier he was playing in the backyard barking at the neighbor dogs. He must have found a hole in the fence, or maybe he slipped out the front door or garage door when I wasn't looking - he can push the front glass door open if it isn't completely latched.

But how in the world did he find the school, and on top of that, how did he find Jacob out of the 400 kids that were leaving the school? He's ridden with me to pick up Jacob a few times, but not recently, and you have to follow a maze of curving and intersecting streets to find the school. Nonetheless, Ethan H.'s Dad said Mason was sitting at Jacob's feet when he pulled up to pick up the boys. And thank goodness, he managed to find the school and Jacob without getting hit by any of the cars racing toward the school to pick up kids.

We are doubly lucky to have found him this way this time because I had just taken off his collar with his ID tag on it for a bath last night. We take it off very rarely because of one other time he got loose without it. We had to plaster the neighborhood with lost dog signs and wait seemingly forever for a call. If he gets out with his ID tag on, someone usually brings him by or calls us right away. I put his collar back on now, but the ID tag is missing! We will have to go get a replacement right away. He's too good of a dog to just lose.

I have been a horrible blogger over the last few months, ever since shortly before Christmas, really. It seems like ever since the Christmas season arrived, life hasn't slowed down.

Nevertheless, I have started several blog entries, but never finished editing them so they could be posted. Maybe I hadn't sufficiently processed those thoughts, or they didn't need to be shared right now (or possibly ever). At any rate, I have been processing thoughts during this time - just not able to verbalize a lot of it in a way that satisfies me yet.

Some news for those of you who don't see me every week or so: The boys are great. Jacob is still doing well in school and enjoying it. His reading still amazes me. One day it seemed to just come together for him, and then his reading vocabulary grew exponentially over the next few weeks and continues to steadily grow at a satisfying rate. It is wonderful to see him want to read, to stretch himself, to enjoy practicing, to seek out more, and especially, to bless those around him with his skills (I am thinking mainly of his two little brothers who love to be read to). He is tall and solid and strong - he has made a goal of conquering the playground equipment at his school, not just playing on it. One by one he conquered the various sets of monkey bars and rings, and now he and his friends dare each other and cheer each other on in completing various tricks on them, like hanging upside down. They have a scoring system for their acrobatic feats, and I had to suppress a laugh when Jacob announced that he had gotten to "Super Rainbow" level. Hah! Such tough boys, but still not aware of which things are supposedly feminine.

Ethan just turned five. I can hardly believe it! He is growing taller and looking more and more like a school-age boy instead of a preschooler. He plays pretend all day long, especially Spiderman, Star Wars, Transformers - any strong, fighting characters he hears about. He loves to be with his friends and his brothers, although he is still quite attached to me and wants to cuddle and have me play with his hair or rub his back anytime the opportunity arises. (Of course, Jacob still likes to cuddle, too, but only at certain times and much less overall than Ethan. Ethan has always been our more physically affectionate one, though.) He has gotten to the stage of asking questions, being more curious and wanting to know the answers. He didn't do this as early as Jacob, but I think it was because previously Jacob was asking all the questions for him. When he was younger, he probably didn't understand all the questions and answers, but as he grew he would have started to take it in, and it was probably enough information to satisfy his own curiosity vicariously. Now that Jacob is in school all day, and Ethan continues to grow in his understanding and perspective of the world around him, he has started to ask his own questions. I absolutely love it. That is one part of being a mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. He is also a physically strong and healthy little boy, like his brothers. He too likes to play outside and test his skills in our backyard and on the playground, but it is less of a focus in his life than it is in Jacob's.

Samuel continues to be an absolute delight. He is almost 21 months now. He is so soft and squishy and round - round cheeks, round belly, round bottom. He wants to do and have everything his big brothers do and have. He gets as excited to see them as he does to see us. He tries to wrestle with them just as rough and long as they can handle and will even initiate the wrestling himself (which can be a problem if his targets aren't ready to be wrestled). He doesn't say much intelligible yet, but the third time around I'm not freaking out - our other boys didn't speak much at this age either. He loves me with abandon, but perhaps I only notice his intensity because it is contrasted by my bigger boys gradually being more independent and not as transparent with their devotion. I am just as enamored with him as he is with me, of course - as I have been with each of my boys.

As for my life of late, I would say overall things have been going fairly well. I have had struggles, as always seems to be the case - difficulty with the boys (although you wouldn't know it from my glowing descriptions above :-) ), difficulty thriving in my role/position, difficulty processing and understanding the questions that come to my mind and heart sometimes, and difficulty dealing with my own weaknesses and limitations. Like I said above, I've been processing these things. Sometimes the process seems too slow to bear; other times I can see growth, and I am encouraged. Maybe I can write more about that later. For now, I think I will leave this entry as mostly an update on the boys, so that I can ensure it actually gets posted. Oh, and here are some pictures from Ethan's fifth birthday party, in case you haven't seen them on my Facebook page yet:

I've been meaning to post this for a while...

Two four-year-old little boys giving fake smiles for a picture...

Can you believe how much they look alike?!? The ears and the hair are different, and though you can't see it in this picture, their bodies are built differently as well. But I think we can predict with some pretty good accuracy what Ethan's face will look like in 26 years. :-)

Here are two more related pictures: The original picture from which I cropped Heath's little boy face, and one from this Christmas of Ethan with Grandma Brenda. I enjoy seeing the similarities across the generations.

I forgive

I was just talking on the phone with a friend about forgiveness. She and I were discussing the powerful, life-changing material that forgiveness is - the fact that it is the primary thing that identifies us as the people of God. We forgive because we've been forgiven. And she and I have had much of this material in our lives, some in the form of forgiveness received and some in the form of forgiveness given.

Before this conversation, I was speaking with another group of friends. It has been a good day for discussions with friends for me. Within this group, we were discussing hurts that occur in the Church. The irony is, despite me sharing my particular version of the Church hurting me, I didn't realize at the time how hypocritical it was - that I still do not have grace for the person who hurt me there - despite the fact that he is human, just like me; despite the fact that his offense, his insult to me was so much less than those I've received from others who I have forgiven and forgotten.

So here it is: I forgive you. I forgive you for saying I was an aggressive, hot-tempered person, or something to that effect, anyway. I forgive you for denying my husband a job because of something I had said. I forgive you for choosing not to include my family, for ignoring, not noticing us and setting us aside. I forgive you for judging us to be something that I firmly believe we are not. I let you go - I release you. It's okay - You're human just like me. Sometimes you misjudge. Sometimes you slip up; sometimes you overlook; sometimes perhaps you are even exclusive and self-protective.

Why can't we truly forgive each other, even seventy times seven; even when we know it to be the most powerful, life-giving, and transformative thing available to us? Why couldn't I truly forgive for so long? How did I deceive myself into thinking I already had, when my heart hadn't really let go?

This is who we are: We are not the pattern of the world - driven by self-preservation, self-focus, pride, the lust of the flesh. We are transformed - empowered by selfless love - loving even our enemies, forgiving each other, bearing each other's burdens, taking care of each other even when it hurts. (Romans 12:2)

It is hard not to be disheartened when I see unresolved conflict and hurt feelings between believers. But even when I don't see the community of forgiveness and selfless love that I believe God desires us to be, I will keep believing for it. Because now I realize: Sometimes God's solution is not the obvious one. Sometimes the change of heart, the realizations, the actions and words that need to happen come slowly, more slowly than we think we can stand. But I will try to wait patiently for God to work out the hurts we believers inflict on each other, remembering that often he is working in scarred hearts like mine.