irony

Doesn't it seem like you always end up yelling at the kids after the least bothersome episode of naughtiness in a string of naughty episodes? They will be acting crazy, disobeying, being disrespectful, and I will tell them once, twice, maybe three times, "Hey, guys, this is not okay. You can't act this way; you know that." But then finally, they do one more thing, and it is enough to make me snap. I guess with each of the previous episodes, I think, "There, that reminder will get them back on track." But then it doesn't, and at some point I realize that the behavior is continuing almost as if I haven't said anything about it.

I think that must be what makes me snap - the appearance that they have not been listening to anything I've said, that my words don't have any significance to them. On a personal level, it makes me feel unimportant and unloved, even though my adult mind knows that their lack of adherence to my rules doesn't necessarily equate to their feelings toward me. That may nail down the essence of why repeated disobedience is so very offensive to me, though: The thought that, "If you aren't listening to me, it is because you don't think I am important, and by-gosh I better be important in your life because you are my child! I didn't go through labor and wipe your butt a million times to NOT have an influence on you."

So, apparently I need to remind myself that the boys lack of adherence to my rules doesn't equate with their feelings toward me. They may feel that I am very important, even the most important person in their life right now, and they may be deeply attached to me, but still not want to (or have difficulty with) obeying the rules. I mean, I love my husband very deeply and am very committed to him, but there are still times that I don't want to do what he wants me to do. As a grown-up, I get to argue the merit of my perspective, but if he's not convinced, and I still don't want to do what he wants, he will probably feel slighted and offended and in general, grumpy about it. But the fact is, it doesn't mean I love him any less, even if it feels that way to him - it just means I don't want to do what he's telling me to do. And of course, this goes the other way, too, with me feeling unloved when he won't do some self-sacrificing act for me that I am asking him to do, and I am not able to be convinced of the reasons why he can't or won't do it.

So, maybe I can avoid a little bit of irony in my life if I can remind myself not to take their disobedience so personally, not to snap at the third or fourth or fifth offense - which it so happens is usually the least meriting of a scolding. I can't decide whether it makes me look and feel more stupid to yell at the most grievous violation of the rules in an evening, even if it occurs with no misbehavior preceding it, or to yell at the least grievous violation of the rules in an evening, which occurs after several more serious violations have earned only reminders or warnings.

I mean, come on, and listen to me when I tell you not to put your hands on the sink drain where the germs wash down! I don't care if that's where all the alluring bubbles are, didn't you hear me say not to do it? And you know not to answer me in that baby voice with a one-word sentence and a silly look on your face - that only makes me more irritated.

Right? Definitely worth getting upset over, don't you think? Sigh.