Wednesday, January 13, 2010
unpleasantness you probably don't want to bother reading
I wonder if maybe I am just too angry to be a Christian. I sincerely desire to follow Jesus, and I really try to trust and follow God's way. But I find that my emotions get the best of me. I've been fighting them for 32 years now, and I still haven't found a way to get around the destruction they cause in my life. Today, as on so many other days in my life, I am just angry at nearly everything. I'm angry that I couldn't find my iron this morning when I needed to iron my dress for Aunt Fern's funeral, because someone didn't put it back where it belongs. I'm angry that I couldn't find my baggie of thread spools to mend the sleeves on my dress, even though I am probably the one who put them somewhere illogical, and because there is no order in my bedroom because I am overwhelmed by the amount of housework there is to be done, so I had a very slim chance of finding them. I am angry that I got stuck in Schulte on my way to the funeral because the van wouldn't start after stopping at a convenience store, and particularly because I had already gotten stranded with the van not starting after Tae Kwon Do lessons a week ago, in the freezing cold no less, yet no one has looked at the van to see what caused that between now and then, not looked under the hood or taken it to the shop, not to mention not noticing that the oil hadn't been changed for 7 months. I'm angry because Heath says I'm simply blaming everything on him today (whether or not he's right), and because he didn't notice when I was fixed up for the funeral today, and because the bank won't call me back about our refinance closing tomorrow. I'm angry because Haiti had an earthquake and Pat Robertson is an arrogant idiot. Huge things like that and tiny things like not being complimented by Heath, they all tie me up in an unproductive, miserable, twisted mess of nerves on days like this. I'm angry because I don't have the resources in me to deal with my kids fighting - I simply don't. I'm angry because whenever I'm brutally honest to anyone who will listen like this, Heath won't like it. But yet how can I be honest and be me without sharing anything with his name in it? My whole life is wrapped around his! Honestly, I just want to sleep for a very long time. I'm so tired. Why am I always so tired? Oh right, I don't go to bed on time. But it doesn't seem like it should be this bad. I'm perpetually angry at myself for my weight and the way it makes me look. Really, that is such a volatile subject for me that I can barely discuss it with anyone. I can't even describe how desperate it makes me feel, and I really think that many women, maybe even a majority of us, carry these same feelings inside about our weight/body shape. And now on top of it, I notice that the skin on my face is changing and will never be the same; I am aging! So even if I ever get my body shape back toward normal again, I will never look like I did before I had babies, even with clothes covering my stretch marks. I am trying to ignore this and pretend like I know it is shallow, and I am not concerned, but I really am fairly devastated about it. Am I having a pre-midlife crisis or what? I just do not feel like being all nicey-nice today and finding some way to not sound caustic and irritable. I don't feel like being reformed. I don't feel like writing a blog that anyone would want to read. I don't want to try to see things from a different perspective and be reasonable. I didn't wake up today wanting to be angry about everything. I woke up thinking it would be a nice, enjoyable, productive day. But somewhere around Samuel's third poopy diaper and searching for the iron this morning, things started to go downhill quickly, building up to the van not starting in Schulte. I want to assert my control over something to show that I still do control anything; to burn something up or throw something away or cut my hair. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to blog when I feel like this - I can post something on the internet and no one can tell me to be quiet or to be reasonable. Sort of like graffiti without the risk of getting arrested. Like writing "life sucks" in big letters on my notebooks in Junior High. In college, I used to cut or dye my hair or pierce something. Now that I'm a Mommy, I blog.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I read it all and didn't stop or get upset. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I lost it last night because the ironing basket was full and I hate to iron. I hate it. I about lost it tonight when I opened Bella's scrapbook she got for Christmas and noticed the box said it contained 2000 pieces. What was my Mother-in-law thinking, 2000 tiny pieces of paper waiting to be scattered all over the floor!
ReplyDeleteI think what we want the most is to know that someone understands. Our husbands try, but they will never understand that the work we do everyday will never be done.
Angry is part of sad. That's ok.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know how this touched me, how your willingness to share your heartfelt open honesty and emotions really hit the spot for me. Sometimes I think we spend so much time doing and thinking what we "should" and so little time embracing what "is" (even when what "is" is angry and sad and bitter!) that we miss the point of being here.
ReplyDeleteI used to buy old ceramic dishes at garage sales and save them for days like this. I'd throw them as hard as i could against a cement wall, or against the floor. It was so therapeutic...getting all that anger out of me in such a satisfying way!! maybe not the healthiest approach, but it kept me sane I suppose.
Anger is normal. Sad is normal.
You are beautiful and kind and strong. You have a gift for writing and sharing and mothering among many other things.
One of the hardest things, I think, about being a stay at home mom, is not only is there virtually no adult interaction and you're left with communicating with children all the time, but nobody says thanks. Nobody appreciates it when you wipe the counter or cook the meals or clean the toilets or change the diapers. There are no bonuses. No paychecks. The day doesn't end at 5:00...in fact, it just gets more complicated as you merge wife duties with mom duties. You don't get a drive to work in the morning where you are alone and can listen to the radio and sing or shout, or listen to the peace and quiet. Working at home is in so many ways so much harder than working at work, and so many folks don't understand or see that.
Now, on the flip side, you see the smiles and you wipe the tears. You are creating beauty every day, even the days that you can't find an iron and you don't get out of pajamas until noon. You have memories that are yours alone, moments to treasure that will never leave you. Your kids look at you like they will never look at anyone else, and you hold a place in their hearts that will be with them forever. When they have days like yours today, they will find comfort and peace when they think of you, or pick up the phone to call you. You are their comfort and their support.
Know that you are not alone. You are beautiful and strong and kind and amazingly intelligent. Your passion shines through in these posts, and you clearly have a support system here of people that adore you and want to be here for you.
And thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for trusting and venting and sharing.
Thank you so much everyone. Having your support and reading your kind words really means a lot to me.
ReplyDelete...and i just wanted to say i'm sorry you had such a "shit" day. glad you survived! i hate those once a year days. your keyboard is lucky to be alive, haha. ;) hope today goes much better.
ReplyDeletedon't know how you do it! you are strong, smart and a great mama. (and you manage it without family in town while doing day care...whew!)
ReplyDeleteYou are human! We all get angry. Don't feel alone.
ReplyDeleteThat anger comes from somewhere and is trying to tell you something...like quit living how you think you ought to live... and quit believing what you think you ought to believe... Make your life the way you want it to be and get rid of useless beliefs.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for the comments. Frenchgirl, I've forgotten to tell you when I've seen you that I quit doing day care. It was just too much. We were surviving, but stretched so thin.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I agree with your sentiment when it comes to my feelings about weight and body image, for sure. It's all about the beliefs I carry that are not helpful, not to mention not true. As for the other things that frustrated me on this day, I think some of those things are just inevitable parts of life; that I can't really change everything in my life that makes me angry. Sometimes I'll just get thwarted by my own limitations or the limitations of others (or of machinery, like the van!). I could work on my beliefs that might make being thwarted more frustrating for me than for someone else... beliefs about how perfect I need to do things, or how failing is unacceptable, or even about my expectations of life (i.e. the van never breaking down, my husband always being thoughtful and considerate). Unfortunately, these kinds of beliefs and the feelings that result from them are slow and difficult to change, even when you become aware of them.