We own the video "You've Got Mail," that wonderful romantic comedy with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, and we have watched it dozens of times. There is a scene in the bookstore that Meg Ryan's character owns, when they are discussing her character's relationship with a mystery man online. They ask the young male employee of the bookstore, "Are you online?" He replies, "The internet is just one more way of being rejected by women."
Well, I find myself in that position sometimes. Not that I find the internet to be a source of rejection by the opposite sex per se, but rather that it is one more avenue to encounter people and all the misunderstanding and hurt that comes with interacting with people, whether online or in real life.
The other night I got onto my Facebook account, which had been basically dormant for months, and added every single person I could find that I knew - whether from high school, college, our 5 years in GC or the 3 years that we have lived here. I told Heath what I was doing and speculated on how many friends I would have on there when it was done. He said, wisely but also tongue-in-cheek, "You know, it won't make you feel any better." Ah, he knows me too well. And in case you're wondering... he was right.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm in junior high, with the constant paranoia that someone doesn't like me or is offended by me but won't talk to me about it or is talking about me behind my back. I had gotten over this as an adult, for the most part, but have experienced it's resurgence again lately as I've observed some adult relationships that actually function this way.
My reaction to this sort of thing is to just shut off. Like, I can't handle the emotional tension, so if it can't be resolved I'll just give up on caring instead of continuing trying to make the relationships work. (Exhibit A: A video of my life, Ages 14-16, with intermittent scenes from ages 16-30.) I tend to just get really angry and destructive. I really don't know how to not be that way. This blog entry itself is that way. I mean, I should just be fine, right? Maybe you don't like me, maybe you have been offended by me or are talking behind my back, but I can still love you and forgive you and be secure in my life. And then I wouldn't be writing this. But I am.
So, I just haven't had very many close friends in my life. I hope I'm moving out of that era, but there are days that I wonder if it'll ever happen, really. Whenever I start to really be honest and grow close to people, for some reason it gets broken down. Several times, it has just been circumstances, not any fault in the relationship itself. I guess that is why we get married, so we can take our best friend with us everywhere and live with that person. Thank you, God, for Heath. He is the only one who really knows me besides You.
Heath and I had been talking about how to simplify our lives, anyway, and about how blogging takes up quite a bit of time - not just writing our own posts but participating in the community, reading others blogs and commenting. Add to that now the fact that participating in the community part is "just another way of being rejected by [people]" and it seems crazy to keep doing this.
And that's all I have to say about that for now.
Well, as much as I totally get where you are coming from (I worry an awful lot about rejection, too), I sure have missed your blog entries. You are an incredibly insightful, perceptive person--not to mention a really neat person that I've enjoyed getting to know. And for the record, I've never been offended by anything you've written. In fact, I've appreciated your honesty and candidness. If you choose to consider a re-entrance into the blogging world, I will be a faithful reader. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not entirely sure what has happened or not happened that led to this decision, but for me, being involved in the blogging community, even if it is just to read others' blogs, helps me be involved in the "community." It helps me keep in touch with my loved ones who are far away and/or who I don't get to see very often. And even though it's terribly difficult, putting ourselves out there, whether in a blog or in the real world, is the only way to know others and let others know us. Sometimes that ends in pain and a feeling of rejection, and sometimes it doesn't go as we want it to, but sometimes it is just...good. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, and I understand where you're coming from, but I've enjoyed knowing what and how you are doing through this cyber-channel of communication. Love you.
ReplyDeleteWe'll miss you.
ReplyDeleteJill, thank you for saying that - it really means a lot.
ReplyDeleteKatrina - (Sigh), Of course, you're right. I know I have to be vulnerable and put myself out there to be in relationship with people. Maybe I just need to focus on the limited number of relationships that are actually close to me in real life. Yes, I think that's what's at issue - caring too much about what everyone thinks of me who are on the periphery of my world, who I am now more aware of existing because of internet networks. If that makes any sense.
Not sure what to type right now. If you need a break, that's okay. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason.
ReplyDeleteDidn't mean to give my opinion, but I guess I just did. I keep thinking of that phrase "no man is an island" and have been enjoying your blog.
Okay, my other opinion is that God is working through you through this blog and even through all of "what you think" are your faults. I have been comforted when reading about your struggles, insights, etc. Thank you for that.
Kim, what a great compliment. Maybe I am just being crazy here... I did take my pills late yesterday... (that sounds like I'm joking, but I really did)
ReplyDeleteI should also clarify that I'm not going to totally abandon my blogging community. Like Katrina commented, it is a great way to keep up with friends you don't see often, so I'll at least be checking in on people if not commenting on everything and writing my own posts. Maybe if I feel really compelled or something really worth sharing comes up, I'll still post? I guess I've just let the wider world of the internet get to me in certain ways that it shouldn't, and I didn't want to facilitate that kind of paranoia/obsessiveness in myself.
I think it takes real courage to remove yourself from something you feel isn't the most productive/healthy thing for you. I have often wondered if it's time for me to take a step back from blogging. I experience many of the same insecurities and paranoias that you're talking about. They spill over from the internet to face to face relationships.
ReplyDeleteI hope that in making this decision you are able to find some peace in this facet of your life. I will miss reading your blog. You are often so open and vulnerable that it helps me to get to know you better. And it's great to see how things are in your family.
I may be "right," but that doesn't make it any easier. Being open and vulnerable is hard. Period. And when we second and thrid guess ourselves, it's even harder. I was talking to Joe about friends the other day, and how it's so hard to make new ones, which makes me even more thankful for the ones I've already got. And, as others have said, I've enjoyed keeping up and getting to know you through this medium, too. I think in the mix is right on, too - removing something that is not the best thing for you takes a lot of courage, and it may be that you just need a break for now, or for always, but either way, we support you! Also along those lines is figuring out where you want your time and energy spent, which is something I CONSTANTLY struggle with, and I don't even have kids!
ReplyDeletejust read a good article in RELEVANT magazine that had to do with cyber relationships leaving us empty...i'll try to get it to you.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to get that article from Mich after you.
ReplyDeleteeven tho it sounds fun...and people have begged, i still haven't touched facebook. i wouldn't have time for real relationships if i added one more minute on the computer! i choose blogger!:)
I think there has to be common stuff that goes along with every blogger psyche. I know I've felt what you describe before---often!
I like what Kim said about doing any of it with the right motivation. That's usually where I right myself or try to keep things in check.
ps)I just read this post...right after I added you to my new bloglist function---it really was in that order!
I love your blog posts and just talking with you.
ReplyDeleteI have a really hard time making close friends too. Why is that about us? I always remember what you said your friend in Garden said once..."why wouldn't any one like me?"
I'm so glad you said that one friday morning. I hope you haven't felt rejected by me...I become a hermit when life gets busy and complicated (family issues mostly) and June has been full of it. It'll be nice when our group can actually pull things together and meet again.
I love your honesty and willingness to be real. it helps the rest of us deal in reality too and know it can be safe among friends. plus, you can delete what you don't want to hear :). just kidding.
love and miss you
Just now weighing in....
ReplyDeleteJenny, I hope that you can feel the great big hug that is being extended to you thru my computer right now (which I know is NEVER as good as the real thing).
If we could all be so honest with our insecurities, paranoia, fears, etc. it might frighten some people, but I think it only serves to draw people in a little closer (a least the ones who really care).
Doug has reminded me lately the power in letting people around us see us when we're broken and really struggling. It is so paralyzing and potentially embarrassing to expose ourselves that way. But what comes to my immediate mind is how much we can identify with the very people that Jesus is talking about in the Beatitudes. They all sound like someone other than ourselves (or at least to me... they used to). How comforting to know that we ARE those people and that Jesus says we're blessed. At least He still likes us.
And, of course...I like you, too.
frenchgirl - That is funny, I just saw that same article in Relevant, after I had written this. I thought it was a strange, timely arrival in my mailbox.
ReplyDeleteC.hill - Don't worry, I understand how busy things have been for you, and I know you aren't rejecting me. I think. ;-)
Everyone - Thank you for the understanding and kind words. I think I will be following this up with a post to clarify.
I agree wholeheartedly with mychiaroscuro!!!! Internet friendships are not so different from real life ones. What if I say something to drive you away forever, for instance?
ReplyDeleteI contacted an ex on facebook, with my hubby's knowledge. He was a very good friend to me. Brent is friends with a couple of his exes. Keenan is good friends with his. But he, the ex, responded hi and then that was it! So then I spent time paranoid that he thought I'd want to get back with him or something crazy like that. That may be very off the subject, but I'm just saying that you are not the only one who gets all paranoid.