Heath said something wonderful to me today, though he didn't know how wonderful it would sound to me when he said it.

When I suggested we make a day trip this weekend to meet Georgia Grace, he laughed and said "I love your spontaneity!"

He didn't realize I once got in an argument with an ex-boyfriend (who liked to claim he wasn't my boyfriend but that is another story for another time...) about this very same trait. He made me feel like it was a vice, somehow, and I've never fully shaken that feeling. But knowing that my husband actually really loves this about me has redeemed it, and made me feel special for the day.

Thank you, sweet Heath.

On another note - isn't it interesting how a single conversation can shape our perspective of ourselves so much? It makes me want to be that much more sensitive and attentive to my interactions with others.

It seems like whenever I go ahead and write a blog entry or talk to someone (or lots of people) about how difficult a situation is, then the next day proves to be much better.

I don't think today's challenges were much less than yesterdays, though they might have been slightly less. But I know that my attitude and coping skills were better. Getting a good start on the day seems to help, as well as trying to have some structure to build the day around. Heath's car is in the shop, so the kids and I had to get out of the house 3 times taking him to and from work. We also were more prepared for feeding ourselves today, since we went to the store as a family after Heath got off work last night.

Something else that helped was the receipt of 3 unexpected checks in the mail yesterday which we were able to deposit in our account. When I got those out of the mailbox, the fact that all 3 arrived together on that particular day reminded me that the life God has planned for me is not all trials - there are many moments of unexpected or undeserved favor and pleasant surprises to enjoy, and sometimes there are even extended periods with barely any trials at all.

Thanks to all of you who wrote encouraging comments or gave advice on my last post. I think we are going to start with a Mom's Day Out thing and maybe some art class or swimming lessons to get the boys out of their usual groove of being at home and fighting. If that's not enough structure or time away from home, we'll move on from there. As for nursing, I'm taking it day to day and week to week. Samuel is getting slightly more efficient at nursing, although I do still spend 5-7 hours a day nursing, depending on the day (granted, 1-2 of those hours I am lying down half-asleep). I have tried limiting him to 30 minutes each session but have found he just doesn't get all the milk in that amount of time.

I'm so tired of having bad days.

Today when I reminded the boys that there is only one of me trying to meet all their needs, Ethan said, "Let's make another Mommy." Wouldn't that be nice.

I don't even exactly know what the problem is (meaning - I'm not sure what would fix it). I am overwhelmed. And yes, I've gotten myself in this situation, made my own choices, but I am trying desperately to make those choices work. I want to breastfeed. I want to home school. I want to stay home with my children.

I told Heath today that even if we end up on the polar opposite of those things - giving Samuel formula, sending Jacob to Kindergarten and Ethan to some kind of preschool program - then we are just doing what the majority of Americans do with their families. And there is nothing inherently wrong with those things, they just weren't the things we chose for our family. And I want to practice our ideals, which happen to not be the status quo. I wouldn't mind doing the other things if we were choosing them for their own merit, but I don't want to do them by default because we couldn't handle the things we wanted to do.

Anyway. I'm kind of going crazy today. Feeling like I don't have the strength or patience or peace and love inside me that I need to be able to pull it all together and make it work. I am trying though.

tension

There is so much tension in my home right now. The sibling rivalry has been increasing steadily for quite a while and has now reached a fever pitch. So, we have overt conflict and tension between the boys, plus the underlying tension of Heath and I trying to deal with it and keep our cool, which we don't always do very well.

Jacob and Ethan love each other so much and hardly know what to do without one another. However, they have been fighting nonstop for several weeks at least. I would say ever since Samuel was born, but I think we had 2 or 3 peaceful weeks after he was born. Then we settled into a routine, I guess, and these tensions surfaced.

Every toy or activity is a potential (usually a guaranteed) conflict. Jacob wants to direct every game or activity. Ethan is mostly okay with this, but at times he exerts his independence, which really irks Jacob. If Ethan tries to move a part of the "setup" for the game or activity, Jacob will often scream at him or hit him. Sometimes Ethan will intentionally mess up the whole setup in response to Jacob not letting him have input into the design.

When they are playing separately, the conflict that arises is that Jacob helps himself to whatever toys Ethan happens to be playing with. Sometimes this is because he wants them for his own play, and he may say that he "needs" them to complete his game. Or maybe he is trying to show Ethan how to play with them the "right" way. But we also have a continual problem with Jacob sneaking off with Ethan's favorite toys (which right now are his die cast Lightening McQueen and Doc Hudson, who he carries with him almost everywhere), just to irritate Ethan and not because he particularly wants them for his game. Ethan's response is to scream at the top of his lungs and sometimes hit, scratch, or bite Jacob.

So, lots of violence. Lots of tension.

Starting home school has made the jealousy between them embarrassingly obvious. While I try to read to or show Jacob something for school, Ethan will try his best to distract Jacob and I by talking or trying to involve us with a game or toy. If that fails, he will try to climb on me, get in the way of the book, or even just yell randomly at the top of his lungs. I have tried to get him interested in participating with us, modified things for his attention span and understanding, but he doesn't want to do that. Ethan's never been quite as interested in being read to or coloring or writing. So, I've got to find a solution to that. It makes me sad, since Jacob and I enjoy "doing school" so much (he has been asking to do it on the weekends, too).

The other major, major issue we have been having is Jacob's problem with fears. I think you would really call them phobias now, but I don't know. I am wondering if he might need to talk to a therapist or someone other than us, at least, to overcome them, because they are really extreme. He has always resisted going to sleep in his own bed at night. We have struggled with this off and on through the years, sometimes experiencing peace in this area for months at a time, but then having it resurface again for some reason. The latest thing that sent us back to square one was a DIY program in which an alien face appeared in the kitchen window, accompanied by creepy music (they were making alien-themed cupcakes and it was just a stupid joke). I pointed out to him how you could see the mask of the alien face on the table later, and he knew intellectually it wasn't real, but he has been pretty terrified every since. Before that, he had been sleeping well for months, after we had finally gotten over his fear of the pulsating brain - LOL it made me terrified too - from A Wrinkle in Time.

Ok, so we are sometimes stupid and we have let him be exposed to some things that have contributed to his fears. But he is very extreme with them. If left alone, he screams and screams and shakes, and NOTHING we say makes any difference. He really gets frantic. The saddest thing is when he begs God to help. We pray with him and for him, we read the Bible or pray with him until he falls asleep, we put the dog in his bed, he already has Ethan sleeping in the bottom bunk, we leave a light on, we reassure him that aliens/ghosts/monsters aren't real and that any real bad guys can't get in to our house, etc. etc. He will often be able to fall asleep initially but wakes up again several hours later, scared again and wanting in our bed. At times we have thought it was manipulation instead of fear and have treated it that way, being very firm. But at times it has clearly been real fear.

I truly sympathize at those times, but it is also very draining. We were up until 5:30 am with him last Saturday night, because we insisted that he stay in his own bed. Other nights he'll wake up crying just as we drift off to sleep, and we'll have to get back up to deal with him for another hour or two. Then, there is an effect on his daytime behavior, too. Some time in the last 6 months or so he decided it's scary to be on one level of our house without anyone else on that level. So, he won't go upstairs or downstairs unless Ethan, Heath, I, or the dog go with him. So, if a toy or cup or snack or whatever is on the other level, he'll whine and beg for one of us to go with him to get it. The same applies to going out in the backyard. Yesterday, I was unsympathetic about his fear and told him it was ridiculous and he had to get over it. I think this actually made the situation worse, maybe because he thought I was no longer willing to help if he did get attacked by aliens? I don't know, none of it makes sense to me. But the result was he followed about 10 inches behind me everywhere I went in the house all day. It was maddening. I tried to lay Samuel down gently, silently to nap by himself. Jacob, and by association Ethan, followed me, and they started talking loudly in his room before I could get him laid down. They would follow me to the bathroom and sit outside the door. They were underfoot in the kitchen while I tried to cook and handle hot food and dishes without dumping it on them. Anyway, you get the idea. Maddening.

Well, I think I have worn myself out describing it all. I have described our children's worst behavior, but they do have many charming, enjoyable qualities and moments as well. We love them so much, and we want to do what's best for each member of the family, though balancing everyone's needs is sometimes tricky. We are praying for wisdom and discernment and strength to be good parents. Although sometimes I feel like we've tried every suggestion ever written for these issues, we are still open to suggestions, if anyone has ideas.

please vote :-)

Please vote in my poll about nursing in public. I'm not embarrassed to nurse in public, but I am concerned that at times I might be making others uncomfortable.

Kansas does have a state law that a woman is permitted to nurse her baby anywhere that she would otherwise be allowed to be present.

lesson plans

I decided to create my lesson plans online and to publish them so anyone could see them. I published so that family or friends who are curious or concerned can see what Jacob is learning. :-)

Here's the link: Lesson Plan

Sonlight provides a lesson plan sheet with its curriculum, but I needed to combine the three sheets I had (one for science, one for language arts, and one for history/read-alouds), so I could see at a glance everything we are doing that day.

would you like to borrow our puppy?

I just realized we didn't make any arrangements for Mason this week while we are in CO. So I thought I would see if anyone *wants* to borrow our puppy while we are gone. He's very sweet and not much trouble at all. He likes to sit next to you on the couch, or he will stay on the floor if you tell him to - he's very compliant. He's house trained and sleeps most of the day unless you initiate playtime with him. This is the only photo I could find of him on this computer.

tiny charmer

Samuel is getting bigger! :-) I tried to illustrate in these pictures just how long he is (for his weight) - almost 23", which is about the 50th percentile for his age. He's over 9 lbs now, about the 5th percentile for his age. His head circumference is also in the 50th percentile. He is smiling, cooing, and rolling over, and generally becoming quite charming. :-)

(Sorry the first two pictures are so grainy/washed out. I couldn't figure out how to get Heath's sunshade thing off the camera, so there was a shadow on Samuel's face. I had to fix it with fill light.)

Any nurses or doctors out there? Or just other pediatrically (don't know if that's really a word) knowledgeable people?

Does anyone know whether you are supposed to measure a baby's weight before or after his feedings? I know at the last doctor visit, it was right after I fed him, so I can compare to that to see how much he's gained since then, but when counting his overall weight gain since birth, I don't know whether to use the low number before his feeding or the high number after his feeding. He can take in 4 or 5 ounces at a feeding, so it makes a big difference. It seems like logically I would use the high number after his feeding, since when he was born he was presumably perfectly hydrated, having been continuously drinking and peeing in the womb.

I do love my new baby scale, though. If any one needs one, I can recommend a place to get a great deal on a quality digital model which can be used through the preschool years (up to 55 lbs). It also can be used as a postal or pet scale.

Ah-choo! cough cough. gasp for breath.

We are all sick in our house. Well, all except Samuel who must still have his immunity from his first week of life. I feel like the house will need to be fumigated to kill all the germs when we recover.

The bright side: I am so so thankful for my new rocker recliner (courtesy of my mom, my mother and father-in-law, and my aunt and grandma-in law - thank you!!!!). I had to sleep sitting up last night in order to breathe. Also, I am very happy that the books I ordered came yesterday so I will have something to read while I sit in the chair and focus on breathing today.