"Lying is always wrong. Except for spies, or people hiding Jews."
-Heath, to Jacob when Jacob was arguing that he didn't deserve punishment for lying because we didn't warn him it was a punishable offense
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Clarification
I received some very kind and helpful comments after my last (somewhat dramatic) post. I acknowledge that others are right in saying that risking hurt is a necessary part of being in relationships and in community. And several of you said very nice things about benefiting from the times that I have been open and vulnerable on here, so that makes me want to not abandon a useful medium just because of the potentially dark side it has for me.
So maybe - as I said in the comments after my last post - maybe I will still post if I feel really compelled or something really worth sharing comes up? I just need to find a way to guard my heart from those who might not appreciate my vulnerability while still sharing it with those who will sympathize and benefit. Sigh.
In light of that, here is a poem I wrote earlier today. I'll chalk it up to the "compelled to share" category.
Today I felt compelled
to stand in the rain.
Like a child, or a fool.
And I asked:
Can you cleanse me with this rain?
Can you wash away the hurt
the anger
the bitterness that's starting to grow?
If I stand here long enough
If I raise my hands for my palms to receive the drops
If I lift my face despite water falling in my eyes...
Then, as I felt the storm increase
And my stained shirt grew soaked
And the hairs on my arms raised with chill
I felt...
Clean.
Better is one day in Your house,
soaked with rain
Than a 1000 in my house
cloaked in sadness.
So maybe - as I said in the comments after my last post - maybe I will still post if I feel really compelled or something really worth sharing comes up? I just need to find a way to guard my heart from those who might not appreciate my vulnerability while still sharing it with those who will sympathize and benefit. Sigh.
In light of that, here is a poem I wrote earlier today. I'll chalk it up to the "compelled to share" category.
Today I felt compelled
to stand in the rain.
Like a child, or a fool.
And I asked:
Can you cleanse me with this rain?
Can you wash away the hurt
the anger
the bitterness that's starting to grow?
If I stand here long enough
If I raise my hands for my palms to receive the drops
If I lift my face despite water falling in my eyes...
Then, as I felt the storm increase
And my stained shirt grew soaked
And the hairs on my arms raised with chill
I felt...
Clean.
Better is one day in Your house,
soaked with rain
Than a 1000 in my house
cloaked in sadness.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
We own the video "You've Got Mail," that wonderful romantic comedy with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, and we have watched it dozens of times. There is a scene in the bookstore that Meg Ryan's character owns, when they are discussing her character's relationship with a mystery man online. They ask the young male employee of the bookstore, "Are you online?" He replies, "The internet is just one more way of being rejected by women."
Well, I find myself in that position sometimes. Not that I find the internet to be a source of rejection by the opposite sex per se, but rather that it is one more avenue to encounter people and all the misunderstanding and hurt that comes with interacting with people, whether online or in real life.
The other night I got onto my Facebook account, which had been basically dormant for months, and added every single person I could find that I knew - whether from high school, college, our 5 years in GC or the 3 years that we have lived here. I told Heath what I was doing and speculated on how many friends I would have on there when it was done. He said, wisely but also tongue-in-cheek, "You know, it won't make you feel any better." Ah, he knows me too well. And in case you're wondering... he was right.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm in junior high, with the constant paranoia that someone doesn't like me or is offended by me but won't talk to me about it or is talking about me behind my back. I had gotten over this as an adult, for the most part, but have experienced it's resurgence again lately as I've observed some adult relationships that actually function this way.
My reaction to this sort of thing is to just shut off. Like, I can't handle the emotional tension, so if it can't be resolved I'll just give up on caring instead of continuing trying to make the relationships work. (Exhibit A: A video of my life, Ages 14-16, with intermittent scenes from ages 16-30.) I tend to just get really angry and destructive. I really don't know how to not be that way. This blog entry itself is that way. I mean, I should just be fine, right? Maybe you don't like me, maybe you have been offended by me or are talking behind my back, but I can still love you and forgive you and be secure in my life. And then I wouldn't be writing this. But I am.
So, I just haven't had very many close friends in my life. I hope I'm moving out of that era, but there are days that I wonder if it'll ever happen, really. Whenever I start to really be honest and grow close to people, for some reason it gets broken down. Several times, it has just been circumstances, not any fault in the relationship itself. I guess that is why we get married, so we can take our best friend with us everywhere and live with that person. Thank you, God, for Heath. He is the only one who really knows me besides You.
Heath and I had been talking about how to simplify our lives, anyway, and about how blogging takes up quite a bit of time - not just writing our own posts but participating in the community, reading others blogs and commenting. Add to that now the fact that participating in the community part is "just another way of being rejected by [people]" and it seems crazy to keep doing this.
And that's all I have to say about that for now.
Well, I find myself in that position sometimes. Not that I find the internet to be a source of rejection by the opposite sex per se, but rather that it is one more avenue to encounter people and all the misunderstanding and hurt that comes with interacting with people, whether online or in real life.
The other night I got onto my Facebook account, which had been basically dormant for months, and added every single person I could find that I knew - whether from high school, college, our 5 years in GC or the 3 years that we have lived here. I told Heath what I was doing and speculated on how many friends I would have on there when it was done. He said, wisely but also tongue-in-cheek, "You know, it won't make you feel any better." Ah, he knows me too well. And in case you're wondering... he was right.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm in junior high, with the constant paranoia that someone doesn't like me or is offended by me but won't talk to me about it or is talking about me behind my back. I had gotten over this as an adult, for the most part, but have experienced it's resurgence again lately as I've observed some adult relationships that actually function this way.
My reaction to this sort of thing is to just shut off. Like, I can't handle the emotional tension, so if it can't be resolved I'll just give up on caring instead of continuing trying to make the relationships work. (Exhibit A: A video of my life, Ages 14-16, with intermittent scenes from ages 16-30.) I tend to just get really angry and destructive. I really don't know how to not be that way. This blog entry itself is that way. I mean, I should just be fine, right? Maybe you don't like me, maybe you have been offended by me or are talking behind my back, but I can still love you and forgive you and be secure in my life. And then I wouldn't be writing this. But I am.
So, I just haven't had very many close friends in my life. I hope I'm moving out of that era, but there are days that I wonder if it'll ever happen, really. Whenever I start to really be honest and grow close to people, for some reason it gets broken down. Several times, it has just been circumstances, not any fault in the relationship itself. I guess that is why we get married, so we can take our best friend with us everywhere and live with that person. Thank you, God, for Heath. He is the only one who really knows me besides You.
Heath and I had been talking about how to simplify our lives, anyway, and about how blogging takes up quite a bit of time - not just writing our own posts but participating in the community, reading others blogs and commenting. Add to that now the fact that participating in the community part is "just another way of being rejected by [people]" and it seems crazy to keep doing this.
And that's all I have to say about that for now.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I have the photo album up from our internship to Africa back in 2000, although I need to organize the pictures a bit more. (If you missed my last post, the reason I am putting these online now is because we just had them put on CD from the APS negatives.) Click on the picture below to see many more!
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| Africa internship |
We recently had 9 rolls of our old APS film put on CDs. It was fun to look back at pictures, some that we hadn't seen for 8 years. There were several of us on vacation after our missions internship in 2000 that made us look SO YOUNG. So I made a slideshow of them. Next I'll make an Africa photo album and post the link to it, but that will take longer to put together.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Birthday Party
Here is Samuel B.C. (before cake). He had been lying down on the couch and was almost asleep. He has croup, poor boy. We decided to perk him up so he could at least eat his birthday cake before bed.
"What is this strange ritual?" He waited patiently while we sang to him and his brothers blew out his candle for him several times. The last time I lit it, I stepped away from the table so Heath could get a picture of just Samuel and the lighted cake - and just then Samuel reached out his little hand with his lightening-fast reflexes and grabbed the flame. Ow! The flame immediately extinguished, so he's fine.
See the chocolate frosting on his finger? See the sad face? He reached for the cake and Daddy said "No."
He's almost ready to stop crying now that he's realizing he will get to eat some cake.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
fun at Riverfest
all 3 boys and I, except that Ethan wouldn't smile because he was thirsty, and wanted to get a drink first and take pictures later...
so here's a picture of happy Ethan on the Piston Cup inflatable
You can see a few more pictures from our day here.
baby kisses
We were trying to get him to look at the camera, but I am glad Heath captured this instead.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I believe in guardian angels
I just fell in our basement with Samuel in my arms. He flew out of my arms, just as if I had intentionally thrown him. It was terrifying.
He's fine. I'm fine. We're both a little shaken up and don't want to let go of each other.
What happened is this: He climbed the bottom five basement stairs, to the landing and looked back at me with a huge smile to make sure I was still watching. He had done this at least three times already today, and just like the other times, I went over to get him safely down. Our basement floor is tile, and I don't want him to accidentally fall back down those five steps.
What I didn't take into account was that the obstacle I had put in front of the stairs to discourage his exploration would tangle my steps as I backed down the stairs and tried to turn around to go back into the family room. I started falling forward with no way to catch myself. I don't even know how or where I fell because I was just watching in horror as Samuel flew out of my arms. Strangely, he didn't land on the hard tile at the bottom of the stairs. He landed face down in a pile of clothes under a small table to the right of the stairs. The pile of clothes was enough to cushion his fall. He was absolutely unharmed. Not only did he fall to the right of where I was heading, he managed to land completely under the table, where the soft pile of clothes was, without hitting his head on the table itself. Amazing.
He's fine. I'm fine. We're both a little shaken up and don't want to let go of each other.
What happened is this: He climbed the bottom five basement stairs, to the landing and looked back at me with a huge smile to make sure I was still watching. He had done this at least three times already today, and just like the other times, I went over to get him safely down. Our basement floor is tile, and I don't want him to accidentally fall back down those five steps.
What I didn't take into account was that the obstacle I had put in front of the stairs to discourage his exploration would tangle my steps as I backed down the stairs and tried to turn around to go back into the family room. I started falling forward with no way to catch myself. I don't even know how or where I fell because I was just watching in horror as Samuel flew out of my arms. Strangely, he didn't land on the hard tile at the bottom of the stairs. He landed face down in a pile of clothes under a small table to the right of the stairs. The pile of clothes was enough to cushion his fall. He was absolutely unharmed. Not only did he fall to the right of where I was heading, he managed to land completely under the table, where the soft pile of clothes was, without hitting his head on the table itself. Amazing.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
2:45 a.m.
It's a quarter till three in the morning. I awake to Heath kicking me. Oops, I left my earplugs in, and it's my night to take care of the kids. Quickly remove earplugs and hear Ethan scream-crying something unintelligible. As I move toward his room, realize he's saying, "I want jammas!" Huh? Ethan, you want pajamas on? "Yeah, I want jammas." I move closer to his bed, and Jacob yells, "Watch out for my puke! It's behind the ladder!" WHAT? Now Ethan sobs, "It's on my pillow!"
Jacob has thrown up over the side of the bunk bed, and it is dripping down every rung of the ladder and has landed half on Ethan's bed and pillow and half on the floor - and splattered onto a haphazard pile of bedtime books.
I step back into our bedroom and tell Heath what's happened. I stand back and appraise what might be the best way to clean this up. Try to clear cobwebs from my brain.
I step back into our bedroom again. "Did you understand what I said, honey?" Heath comes and joins me, and promptly declares this is going to make him throw up. He returns to bed.
Hmmm.
Okay, first step. Have Ethan crawl to foot of his bunkbed, crawl out of bed and go get in with Daddy. Demand that Daddy get up and find new sheets and comforter for bed. Stop Mason (our dog) from his mission to clean up the mess and put him in bed with Ethan. Get out the carpet cleaner.
"Let me go get you something to throw up into next time, Jacob." He says, "I usually just throw up behind or in front of the ladder." Put a huge plastic bowl next to him in bed. Desperately hope he uses it next time.
Spend the next 15 minutes or so using carpet cleaner on the area all around Ethan's bed and wiping, over and over, the ladder, the side rails of Ethan's bed, and 17 books which are now quarantined. Go dump the contaminated carpet cleaner water and begin to clean and disinfect the bathroom sink into which it was dumped. Heath walks by and says, "You dumped it into the sink and not the bathtub?" I say in alarm, "You usually dump it in the bathtub?" We look at each other in puzzled repulsion. "We take baths in there!" I say. Heath shrugs, "I don't."
Heath puts new sheets and comforter on the bed and tucks Ethan in again, after digging out some "jamma" pants for him. I notice that Jacob is back asleep.
Finally, make myself some of the calming herbal tea Melanie gave me to try to get the smell out of my nose and quell the nausea, and sit down to blog about the adventure.
Jacob has thrown up over the side of the bunk bed, and it is dripping down every rung of the ladder and has landed half on Ethan's bed and pillow and half on the floor - and splattered onto a haphazard pile of bedtime books.
I step back into our bedroom and tell Heath what's happened. I stand back and appraise what might be the best way to clean this up. Try to clear cobwebs from my brain.
I step back into our bedroom again. "Did you understand what I said, honey?" Heath comes and joins me, and promptly declares this is going to make him throw up. He returns to bed.
Hmmm.
Okay, first step. Have Ethan crawl to foot of his bunkbed, crawl out of bed and go get in with Daddy. Demand that Daddy get up and find new sheets and comforter for bed. Stop Mason (our dog) from his mission to clean up the mess and put him in bed with Ethan. Get out the carpet cleaner.
"Let me go get you something to throw up into next time, Jacob." He says, "I usually just throw up behind or in front of the ladder." Put a huge plastic bowl next to him in bed. Desperately hope he uses it next time.
Spend the next 15 minutes or so using carpet cleaner on the area all around Ethan's bed and wiping, over and over, the ladder, the side rails of Ethan's bed, and 17 books which are now quarantined. Go dump the contaminated carpet cleaner water and begin to clean and disinfect the bathroom sink into which it was dumped. Heath walks by and says, "You dumped it into the sink and not the bathtub?" I say in alarm, "You usually dump it in the bathtub?" We look at each other in puzzled repulsion. "We take baths in there!" I say. Heath shrugs, "I don't."
Heath puts new sheets and comforter on the bed and tucks Ethan in again, after digging out some "jamma" pants for him. I notice that Jacob is back asleep.
Finally, make myself some of the calming herbal tea Melanie gave me to try to get the smell out of my nose and quell the nausea, and sit down to blog about the adventure.
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