any suggestions?

I have a little problem. I like to have the boys play outside. It would be great if they did it more than they do. But lately they have been spending 2 or 3 periods of 30 -6o minutes outside each day. When they come in, they are absolutely filthy! So, they've been taking baths or showers 2 or 3 times a day. This seems excessive to me. They keep the water so cool it doesn't probably use much energy, and we only fill the tub half full, but still! Their skin will dry up and my bathroom will be perpetually wet and sloppy. I have envisioned some sort of outdoor shower or hose attachment to clean them off before they come in, but then we have the problem of flooding the lawn and making even more mud. (And any hose attachment they might take the liberty of using on each other when I'm not around.) So, any suggestions?

I have been meaning to write another post about the feeding issues with Samuel, basically just to clarify that I don't think using formula is a horrible thing (although I do still hope to be able to nurse exclusively eventually). I am motivated to make nursing work because of the reasons that I listed in my last post about it (the majority of which are emotional, when I look back at it). We have been supplementing with formula now, and I am glad there is good formula available, with many improvements having been made in recent years. Also, we fed Ethan formula exclusively from 5 weeks on. So for those of you who chose to or had to use formula with your kids, I wasn't trying to say I thought that was bad. Hopefully you could see from the reasons I described in my last post about it that being able to nurse Samuel is something that is important to me on a personal level and not part of a crusade to make everyone else exclusively breastfeed. I have some fears that supplementing with formula could sabotage my opportunity to nurse Samuel, but right now our priority is making sure he gets enough to eat, with the secondary priority that it is human milk if at all possible.

The interesting thing is, he doesn't seem to really want any more milk than he was already taking. It seems like we're force feeding him the bottles. He doesn't cry for more after nursing, though he will take the bottles when we offer them, eventually finishing them very slowly. I have increased my supply so that most of the bottles we give him are pumped milk. But if we don't give him the bottles and attempt to give him all the milk we think he should be drinking solely through nursing, he doesn't take it all and I end up having to pump again to maintain my supply at this level. So maybe gaining .58 ounces a day rather than 1 ounce a day was just his natural pattern? I don't know, but he does look healthier now that he is gaining at a little bit faster rate.

I am the luckiest

When we were in GC recently, I realized that there is a side of Heath that I only get to experience when he is with his best friends. Watching and hearing him interact with the guys he has been friends with for 10-15 years just makes me smile. There is a side of his personality, and particularly his sense of humor, that comes out with them that doesn't come out with other people. I wish you could all experience it. (Of course, several of you reading are those long-time friends, and you maybe don't realize he doesn't act that way around people he has known for significantly less time...)

I mentioned this situation to him, and we talked about how it has to be that way, really, because when you are just getting to know people, they won't know how you mean something when you say it. So, there are quite a few things you just can't say even though they would be really funny if the person understood that you were being facetious. And also, you don't know what everyone's sensitivities are, which topics you might want to avoid joking about.

Something I remember thinking and feeling when Heath and I first met and began spending time together was that it was like we already had the same sense of humor and perspective on life. We never had that uncomfortable feeling-things-out time. Really, from the beginning, he has totally accepted me and loved me. He is really an amazing person, as many of you know. I have said many times that I didn't know there was someone so good out there for me, and if I had I wouldn't have wasted time and heartbreak on other boys. (Though I am still friends with some of those boys, and I'm sure some of them turned out to be fine husbands - just not for me.)

The other night Heath put ear buds in my ears and handed me his mp3 player. He played the song "Luckiest" by Ben Folds for me, telling me after it played that that is how he feels about me. It is hard for me to imagine that he feels that way, but I know I feel that way about him. I know I am so blessed to have him for my husband and my best friend. He is humorous and intelligent and talented and interesting and principled and fun. He is a dreamer and a skilled worker and a dedicated, diligent father and husband. I could brag on him in many other ways, but I'll leave it at this for now. As you can tell, I highly recommend him. :-)

Wheatland Family Fun Night

I just wanted to say that we had a really smooth, good day today. After all my agonized posting,I thought it was important to make note of the smooth, hopeful times, too. I'll have to do a real post later, though, since I don't have much time right now.

Okay, I'm sure you're all sick to death of hearing about this, but since I went to the doctor today and Samuel is still only gaining about half an ounce a day, it is pretty much all I can think about. The doctor suggested we offer formula after each nursing session, causing disappointment to settle like rocks in my stomach.

I feel like my heart is breaking over the whole situation. Why isn't it working? I really don't get it! I nursed Jacob successfully for 11 months and became a big advocate during that time. Everything about nursing Jacob went so well. And I would think things were going equally well with Samuel except he just isn't gaining weight! :-(

(Edit: Heath said after reading this post that some guys would be embarrassed by this next paragraph. I didn't think it was too much detail, but consider this your warning.)

It looks to me like he's feeding fine. We do 10 minutes on the first side, switch sides so he doesn't wear out too soon from non-nutritive sucking, and then usually do at least 10 minutes on the second side. I know I have milk; I can pump 2.75 ounces at feeding time. And he eats at least 8, sometimes 9 or 10 times a day. That would be 22-28 ounces a day, enough for a 9.5-10.5 lb. baby. It just doesn't add up! I am going to pump and give him the milk in bottles for the next 24 hours and keep track of the total, because maybe some of the feedings are yielding considerably less than 2.75 ounces.

It was so easy with Jacob. He cried to be fed about every 3 hours, I fed him, and he pooped and peed and gained weight like a champ. I didn't have to keep track of anything after the first week or two - if I lost track of time, he cried to be fed. I knew he had nursed for 10 or 15 minutes, time to switch sides, when he stopped nursing and pulled away on each side. I knew he was having at least 3 poopy diapers and 6 wet diapers a day (the minimum a breastfed baby is "supposed" to have), because he had both at each of his 8 feedings. I basked in the peaceful wave of prolactin and the sight of my milk-intoxicated little baby. I marveled at his solid little body and the soft rolls in his arms and legs, knowing it was part of me, lovingly and nurturingly transferred to him, that produced such vitality. I felt a primal drive to protect and nurture him that seemed inexorably linked to my experience of nursing him.

Of course, now I know from having another child that I was not able to nurse that I still felt the urge to nurture and protect my child without nursing. It didn't lessen our bond or my love for him that he was formula fed. Still, I remember an instinctive force, beyond my emotions or logic, that seemed to be present within the nursing relationship.

This is why I want nursing to work for Samuel and I. All these things - the ease and naturalness that are normally a part of nursing, the happy hormones and the baby fat confirmation, the instinctive drive to love - are why I am obsessing and worrying and suffering heartbreak over whether or not I will be able to continue to nurse Samuel. (I'm not even concerned so much about the potential for increased IQ and immunity to disease, although those are nice, too.)

Okay, and there is one more thing. I can't get this image out of mind - a mother and baby in a church we visited in Africa. I said to our missionary host, "Oh, is that a new baby?" And she answered me, quietly and discreetly, "No, he's (however many) months old." The other women were gathered around her helping her get him positioned to nurse, and apparently giving her advice as well. Obviously, he had not been feeding well for some time, for whatever reason. Maybe he was born early or sick. Or maybe they were just having trouble like Samuel and I. So what would happen if I wasn't a lucky enough to be born in a prosperous country? I know it is irrelevant, but it really bugs me.

We had a lovely long weekend. We made it to GC in time for a BBQ and fireworks, though not nearly as early as we hoped (as usual). We spent lots of time with family Wednesday through Friday, then attended a 7/7/07 party with friends Saturday night. Check out some pictures here: 7 party!

Sunday, the women of our church threw a baby shower for Samuel. It was lots of fun, with a teddy bear cupcake-cake, celebrity baby-to-parent matching game, lots of cool presents and interesting conversation. Samuel received cute clothes and shoes, a really soft blanket, lots of diapers, wipes and baby toiletries, plus some gift cards for anything else we need and some items purchased especially with Mom and big brothers in mind. Thank you so much, ladies! You have really blessed our family. (I didn't bring my personal photographer with me, so unfortunately I don't have any pictures to share this time. :-)

The past two days have been so peaceful and restful. My Mom offered to take our two big boys for a few days, so I would have opportunity to focus on making nursing work for Samuel and I. So, my big boys have gotten an idyllic summer vacation at Grandmas - going to the pool, riding bikes, burning sparklers, taking extra long baths and staying up late reading a million story books. And Heath and I have gotten some great 1-on-1 time with Samuel. And best of all, I am starting to believe the nursing thing is going to work. Thank you, God!

It hasn't gotten any easier to lay him down by himself, though! I didn't realize how much Samuel's big brothers help keep him happy when I do have to lay him down during the day - giving him his binky, talking to him and touching or even holding him. That was a pleasant realization. So, I ended up napping next to him to catch up on rest. We stayed in bed until 5 pm yesterday (with the exception of getting up to eat lunch) and 11 am this morning!

We are heading to GC for the 4th celebration, picking up big brothers on the way. If we can ever get out of town, that is. :-) Better go finish packing. Have a happy Independence Day!