I took Samuel in for his weight check again today. He is 6 lb. 10 oz. now - he had gained 4 oz. in a week. Newborns are expected to gain 8 oz. per week. He is still 2 oz. under his birth weight. :-(
I am going to continue feeding every 2.5 hrs and add in pumping sessions. That should increase my supply, and hopefully he will begin taking the increased amount when he nurses. If not, I'll have to give him the extra milk in bottles after each nursing session. Which might result in him taking even less when he nurses because he might prefer the easier flow of the bottle, in which case I will be left with only two options: pump exclusively and feed the pumped milk to him in bottles, or switch to formula. This makes me want to cry. In fact, I did cry for quite a while after the doctor's appointment today. I usually am not able to cry even when I want to, so I guess that's a good thing - I'm probably in better spirits now than I would've been.
Please, if you see me with Samuel over this next week or two, please don't tell me how tiny or skinny he is. I know. He is smaller than an average newborn, and much smaller than an average 3 week old. I know. I am trying my best, and I feel totally responsible for him being small still. I don't think I could feel more like a failure. I haven't been diligent enough, haven't fed him often enough and long enough. I think I compromised my supply by experimenting with single side feeding for a few days during the second week.
Anyway. It's been kind of a hard day. I got about 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Jacob had a huge meltdown earlier. They both have been disobeying most of my requests for most of the day. I've yelled at them a couple of times, so that makes me feel like even a worse parent. They want me to play with them, but I'm holding and nursing Samuel all day. We started the day with Ethan hitting me because I wouldn't give him candy. I hesitate to share some of this, because some people who apparently have compliant children don't understand that we have strong willed children. We do discipline them, just so you know.
Ok, done venting. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I will second no one mentioning how small he is and take it a step further...
ReplyDeleteIf you have never had a strong willed 5 year old boy, a 3 year old boy going through his "No" stage and a newborn baby all at the same time then please do not give parenting advice. If you want to help then offer to babysit. That would help!*
*Btw, I think it is safe to say that no one who reads this blog has been guilty of the parenting advice thing.
Also to Jenny: don't worry, Samuel will be fine, the doctor wasn't really worried about it. This isn't your fault. You have been doing an amazing job in a difficult situation and I am really proud of how you have been handling everything. You are a great mother!
You are not a failure! I'm keeping you guys in my prayers. Chin up, things will get better and easier.
ReplyDeleteBtw, I just looked in Phinn's baby book and he didn't get back up to his birth weight until he was over a month old. Samuel will get there too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jenny. I'm sure he will be fine. I know, know, know how hard it is, especially when you feel like you are the only one responsible for his well-being. Just b/c he's little doesn't mean he's not healthy.
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY understand what it's like to try to parent while you feel like all you are doing is holding and nursing your infant (or, at least, I kind of know what it's like--I guess I just have one strong-willed preschooler as opposed to your two!). Maybe the two of us could get together--we could both sit and hold/nurse our babies while the kiddos played, and perhaps one of us would not be attending to an infant should some sort of kid-instigated catastrophe occurred!
(BTW, I've never been able to comment on your blog before b/c the word verification thing never showed up. Today it finally did!)
jill's comment is a God thing i think.
ReplyDeletejust so you know - you have such a soft voice i can't imagine your yell being very loud. you are such a good mom, i've seen your boys and they really are perfect for their age!! God blocked out all my memories of my children at that age because they were very strong-willed too - both of them (ok, not all the memories) i'm suprised they survived.
i'd love to say something helpful but i know it's just a hard time of life - lots of joy too but that's not emotionally, physically and sanity draining.
what a beautiful family you all are and no one is perfect in parenting!! love you!!
I hope this comes across the right way. I will preface it with the fact that I have no idea what it's like to have more than 1 child, let alone 2 active boys!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your feelings with Samuel. With Ari being a premee we still receive the tiny comments if we tell his actual age (sometimes I use his adjusted age to avoid the comments). We were also informed at his 9 month check up last week that he has slipped off the weight chart and we weren't feeding him enough! I was devastated for a few days. He is always content after eating so I had no idea he needed more.
Anwyay...I guess what I'm trying to say is we're in a similar boat (I'm sure Keenan could give us some technical names to round out the analogy ;)). I don't know if that helps or not, but I know I feel better when I don't feel like I'm the only one.
I know things will work out and we'll keep you in our prayers! :)
I know I'm guilty of the "small" comments--I'm sorry. I never thought about how that might make the Mama feel bad. I'm just always surprised at how small newborns are. I promise I never meant it as a criticism of any baby or mama-ing.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good lesson. Thanks.