Thank you to all of you for your encouragement. I am feeling a little bit better about the situation today. (So far, anyway.) Spending most of my time nursing and pumping, but feeling a bit more encouraged.

Here is a funny story from last weekend, to balance my last two entries a little bit. We were on our way home from GC and trying to get the kids to fall asleep. We were playing the quiet game, and Heath had just announced the start of a new game. We all were sitting quietly when Ethan declared confidently, "I'm going to win this time!" LOL Obviously, his prediction didn't come true.

Another happy occurrence is that Jacob lost his first tooth! Heath is planning on putting a picture of the missing space on his blog, so I will leave that to him.

I took Samuel in for his weight check again today. He is 6 lb. 10 oz. now - he had gained 4 oz. in a week. Newborns are expected to gain 8 oz. per week. He is still 2 oz. under his birth weight. :-(

I am going to continue feeding every 2.5 hrs and add in pumping sessions. That should increase my supply, and hopefully he will begin taking the increased amount when he nurses. If not, I'll have to give him the extra milk in bottles after each nursing session. Which might result in him taking even less when he nurses because he might prefer the easier flow of the bottle, in which case I will be left with only two options: pump exclusively and feed the pumped milk to him in bottles, or switch to formula. This makes me want to cry. In fact, I did cry for quite a while after the doctor's appointment today. I usually am not able to cry even when I want to, so I guess that's a good thing - I'm probably in better spirits now than I would've been.

Please, if you see me with Samuel over this next week or two, please don't tell me how tiny or skinny he is. I know. He is smaller than an average newborn, and much smaller than an average 3 week old. I know. I am trying my best, and I feel totally responsible for him being small still. I don't think I could feel more like a failure. I haven't been diligent enough, haven't fed him often enough and long enough. I think I compromised my supply by experimenting with single side feeding for a few days during the second week.

Anyway. It's been kind of a hard day. I got about 5 1/2 hours of sleep. Jacob had a huge meltdown earlier. They both have been disobeying most of my requests for most of the day. I've yelled at them a couple of times, so that makes me feel like even a worse parent. They want me to play with them, but I'm holding and nursing Samuel all day. We started the day with Ethan hitting me because I wouldn't give him candy. I hesitate to share some of this, because some people who apparently have compliant children don't understand that we have strong willed children. We do discipline them, just so you know.

Ok, done venting. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

in need of grace

Please pray for me to have patience with the kids today. It is running really thin.

I was out of coffee at home this morning, not a good thing for a Monday morning when I got only 4 or 5 hours of sleep (as opposed to the "normal" 6 or 7). So I load the kids in the van and head to Starbucks. We hadn't fully unloaded the van from our weekend trip, so there was a bag with some kids' underwear on the floor near the kids' seats. The kids grabbed four pairs of underwear and were examining and discussing them for some reason beyond my understanding. They each had two pairs to look at, until Ethan grabbed one of Jacob's pairs. Jacob said, "If you don't give me those underwear back, I'm going to hit you in the face!" As I am saying, "If you do that, you will be in big trouble..." I hear Ethan start crying, and then moaning, "I've got a bloody nose!" Yep, Jacob hit him in the face - over a pair of underwear - and gave him a horrific bloody nose.

I know God must have given me three boys for a reason. Apparently he thought I would do well mothering boys? Or maybe I would just do poorly mothering girls? (I hope that is not the case.) But at times like this, when the boys are so violent, I sure don't know how to handle it. It just makes me mad, and I can't be logical when I'm mad. The thing that really gets me is that Jacob wasn't really repentant about the incident. He kept complaining about how he didn't have the special pair of underwear, and how he never gets anything special. I can't help but wonder what else the day will hold. They are on their craziest behavior today because they have only gotten 9 hours of sleep for 3 nights in a row, building up a deficit of about 6 hours now.

In good news, Samuel has gained 3.5 ounces since his dr. appointment last Thursday. I know this because I weighed him on the electronic post office scale this morning, which I assume is very accurate. Last Thursday he only weighed 6 lb. 6 oz. - after weighing 6 lb. 11 oz. the Thursday before! Not a good thing. I don't know if anything could make me feel worse, as I am totally responsible for feeding him. I guess I got overconfident when he had almost regained his birth weight by 9 days old. So I wasn't being as careful to keep track of his feedings the next week, and I guess he wasn't getting enough. He wasn't crying for more. But the last four days I have fed him every 2 and a half hours, and he is gaining again. I just feel horrible for that week when he was losing weight. Ug. I always had oversupply with Jacob, and he was a vigorous demanding eater. I don't think I could have messed up nursing him other than if I had just ignored him. I have been freaking myself out these last few days looking at Samuel and thinking, "Is he shrinking?"and obsessively evaluating the efficacy of his suckling and the contents of his diapers.

If you are not interested in the details of our home schooling adventure, you can skip this post. :-)

I think I am finally done shopping for books for homeschooling next year, horray! We decided to purchase the rest of the books rather than checking them out from the library. We realized that if we shopped around and bought used books when we could, we would be spending just slightly more than we would on gas to drive to the library each week - and we would get to keep or sell the books later. I ended up spending slightly less than half the amount it would have cost to order everything new (and many of the books I did end up getting new).

There are actually two missing from this picture, but they have been ordered. Starting from the left, we will have 22 books for reading aloud (about a chapter per day), then we have science and social studies books (several pages from each subject per day), then a storybook Bible (several pages each day), then books for learning to read (starting with just a few lines per day), and finally math (1 worksheet per day). My instructor's guides, which include lesson plans, discussion questions for the books and worksheets for language arts and science, are on the right side where you can't see them.

quotes

"Are you sure you want to switch sides already? You want to make sure he gets enough hindmilk." -my lactation expert husband

(The impressive thing is, he's absolutely right. We can see in Samuel's diapers he's getting too much foremilk.)

"Mama, you know I'm just pretending to read, right?" -Jacob, a few minutes after sitting down with his new Bible and telling me he was reading.

"I'm a grown-up. I'm going to Walmart!" -Ethan, getting ready to go with Daddy to Walmart (without Jacob or Samuel or me).

my baby's birthday

I can't believe my baby will be 5 years old tomorrow. That sounds so cliched, but I honestly feel that way. Have I really been a mom for 5 years? Yet when I look at the growth and knowledge he has amassed, it does seem that at least five years must have elapsed. 5 years seems like a milestone - the age we send our kids to school, the age they lose their first tooth, the age they start to read. Not to mention all the experts and studies proclaiming that birth to 5 years is the magic window for all sorts of things - learning, character development, relational development. (So is my window closed now? Ridiculous question - of course not.)

But milestones like this do provide a good impetus for examining and evaluating how our adventure in parenting (and for Jacob, in growing up) has gone so far. Also, for looking toward the future and where we want to be in another 5, 10, or 15 years. I don't have any of those answers tonight, but that's where my thoughts are.

Now, on to the fun stuff! Jacob had a great day today. Heath planned great activities for the party. (For those of you who were concerned about me undertaking throwing a birthday party so soon after giving birth, you'll be relieved to know that Heath did the bulk of the cleaning and planned and supervised all the activities. We bought cupcakes, so I didn't even bake.) First, everyone played with and in the rocket blast sprinkler that Grandpa bought for Jacob last weekend. Then, Heath brought out treasure maps with clues that led the kids to a pinata, which they beat to death on the front lawn. We distracted them from the candy with cupcakes and ice cream, then finished up with Jacob opening presents.

We will be giving him our present tomorrow on his actual birthday. Heath is putting together his bike right now. :-)

home alone

Today is the first day that I am alone with all three boys. Heath went back to work for a half day. I asked him to do a few half days so I can ease into this new level of responsibility.

My older boys are going to have to learn patience through this, I can already see. Ethan freaked out when I told him he had to wait for me to get his cereal because I was feeding the baby. Luckily, he didn't lash out at the baby or seem to even be mad at him; he was just mad at me. Jacob is slightly more reasonable, but for some reason kept asking me over and over to vacuum this morning. He likes to help me clean. They also both wanted me to blow up and tie balloons, which I did manage to do while nursing Samuel. I can tell I won't be answering the phone much or doing anything very engrossing on the computer. So if I don't pick up your call or comment on your blog for a while, please don't be offended.

Thank God for coffee!

I am so thankful and joyful that God answered our prayers by taking me to full term with no preeclampsia, and bringing baby Samuel into the world healthy and robust and ready to nurse!

So, here is how everything went:

At 9 pm Monday night, I started having contractions that were about 10 minutes apart. I wasn't sure that I was actually in labor. But as the contractions got a little bit stronger and closer together, we decided it was better to be safe and go on to the hospital, even if they sent me back home. We left for the hospital at 10:11 pm. We were taken back to a room around 10:45 pm, and after giving the nurse some vital info, she checked me at about 11 pm and found I was 3.5 cm and 80% effaced. This was progress since my last OB appointment, but we couldn't know if my contractions that evening had caused it or if it had happened slowly over the last few days. So, they planned to come back at midnight to check me again and see if I was progressing before officially admitting me.

At midnight I was 4 cm, so they called my OB with the expectation that she would admit me. They asked if I wanted an epidural, so they could get her authorization for that as well. In the hour since I had been taken back to the room, my contractions had gone from a slight cramping to searing pain requiring all my energy. I had already decided I wanted the epidural as soon as possible, and the intensity of the contractions only underlined that decision. I was officially admitted and the epidural ordered around 12:30 am, and my nurse and the anesthesiologist's assistant began to set me up with an IV and ask all the questions necessary before giving an epidural. The anesthesiologist got to the room around 1:15 am and was finished by 1:30 am. I was so, so relieved. My nurse checked me again, and I was 5 cm - I seemed to be gaining about a cm per hour. My water broke when she checked me, and I asked if she needed to check again because of that, and she said it wouldn't immediately make any difference. Heath and I tried to settle in for some rest before it was time for delivery.

We were so grateful that our nurse took our concerns seriously about me having a tendency for very fast labors, and she stayed in the room through my entire labor. She sat right next to my bed and watched our vitals while she entered information into the computer. We were having a hard time getting the sensors to stay on my belly in order to pick up the heartbeat and contractions, so she was continually adjusting the heartbeat monitor. Around 2 am, the baby's heartbeat slowed way down, and then we lost it completely. The nurse jumped up to readjust the monitor, and she quickly found the heartbeat again, which was still much slower than normal. She told us it was okay, that he was just getting squeezed by the contractions. But she had to move the monitor down low to pick up the heartbeat, so she checked my dilation again. She said, "Well that explains it! You're completely dilated!" I had gone from 5-10 cm in 30 minutes.

She called the other nurses in to help, and in a flurry they prepared the room for delivery. They called my OB right away, but knowing it usually takes her 30 minutes to get to the hospital, they also contacted the resident OB with the expectation that she would actually deliver the baby. I was pretty much ready to deliver, and if not for the epidural I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist the urge to push. The resident OB was in the middle of a c-section, so we waited for my OB to get there. The nurses watched for any signs of distress with the baby, which might have necessitated delivering before my OB arrived. My OB arrived around 2:30 am, I pushed 3 times, and his head was delivered. The doctor eased out his shoulders and body, and they placed him on my stomach while they rubbed him down with a towel. He looked at me with his bright eyes as he startled from being moved around so quickly. I spoke to him, and he reached out both arms for me, like "Ah, there's that familiar voice! She'll get me away from these rough people." Heath cut the umbilical cord after it stopped pulsating. Unfortunately, Samuel wasn't taking his first breath like he should, so they had to move him from my tummy to the warmer to suction his lungs and make sure he was breathing well. The warmer was right next to me, so I was still able to watch as they cared for him. After making sure he was breathing well and getting a diaper on him, they let me hold and feed him.

He was born knowing how to breastfeed! I was so amazed. He was wide awake and couldn't get enough of sucking. He was a model for how a newborn is "supposed to" react when you offer them the breast. He wanted to suck constantly for the first few hours of his life. Ethan had feeding difficulties, probably due to being born early, so I had been praying for this baby to be able to nurse.

I was very pleased with the entire experience. It was amazing to go into labor on my own, to know that it was just the right time for Samuel to be born. Before I got the epidural, I was able to walk around during contractions, drink water or juice, and use the bathroom when I needed to. That was so much better than already being hooked to an IV, internal fetal monitor, blood pressure cuff, and baby heartbeat monitor at the very beginning of labor, and made to stay in bed lying on my left side.

I was very happy with my medical staff, except for one uncomfortable encounter before I was actually admitted. (Heath and I kept asking the nurse when she was going to check my dilation while she was asking me questions, and she got irritated with us. We were just nervous about the baby being born suddenly like Ethan.) The nurses were helpful, sensitive, and seemed very qualified. They were attentive to our preferences, like letting the cord finish pulsating, putting the baby on my tummy right after being born, doing all the newborn procedures in our presence, and using a local anesthetic for the circumcision.

The facility was also very nice. I had previously thought it was pretty equal to the birthing suites at GC hospital (except GC's are newer), but I have now decided the Birthcare Center is superior solely because of the whirlpool tubs in each room. I also think the rooms are more spacious than GC's, and the fold-out bed for Dad is a double. However, the bed in our room was broken, so that didn't do much for us.

good news!

My test came back at 167, a normal level. No preeclampsia! Still avoiding that diagnosis/label, yay. Heath can take pictures of the wedding tomorrow, yay.

Of course, that means I am back in a position of simply waiting for labor to start, hopefully sometime in the next 11 days. And also in a position of wondering why my blood pressure is going up in the first place. I guess you can have "pregnancy-induced hypertension" without having protein in your urine, and then they simply keep a close eye on you to make sure it doesn't develop into something more serious. Sigh. Also, I now have no excuse for feeling cruddy except, well, I'm 9 months pregnant.

Thank you for your prayers. I really am amazed that I am still here at home and not in the hospital for an induction.

I have no specific reason for posting this picture except that I found it while sorting through a stack of papers (why it wasn't with our other pictuers, I do not know), and it made me smile. I need things to make me smile today. :-)
L-R: Kent, Katrina, Megan, Travis, Sarah, Daniel, Shannon and Jairus, Matthew, Betsy, Heath and Jacob, me (pregnant w/Ethan), Linda. Pretty much a line-up of nattyman's blogroll, hah.