Here is our Christmas picture, which will be arriving in mailboxes shortly. I hope everyone appreciates it, because getting the boys in dress clothes and keeping them clean and wrinkle-free until it was time to take the picture aged me by 5 or 10 years. :-) I'm sure we will treasure it for years to come, though, so it was worth it. 

feeling good

I am feeling like a great stay-at-home mom today. First of all, I took the kids to the playground this morning. Yes, it was 42 degrees, so it was McDonald's indoor playground, but it was large motor play nonetheless. Ethan shunned the actual play structure and preferred to climb repeatedly into and out of the high chairs, but I figured it was the same sort of skills he would have been exercising in the play structure, so it was ok. (He even pushed the high chair up onto the cushioned play surface like he knew what he was doing was risky.) Then to top it off, we went to the library. I saw one of my Tuesday Bible study girls there, and was encouraged to see Jacob interact with her son. That combined with watching him interact with a boy at the McD's playground who he had never met before, combined with reassuring feedback from the nursery workers and his Awana teachers, has now allayed all my fears that he might not be on a good track with his social development.

After this productive morning, I managed to come home and fix a nutritious lunch for my family, feed the kids before picking up Heath, and take Jacob for a haircut over the lunch hour [a scary chore because I have to hold him still while they cut around his ears :-( ] Then, after putting the boys down for naps, I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and cleaned off the counters BEFORE taking a break at the computer. It dawned on me, this is probably what most (dare I say "normal"?) people do - clean up the kitchen after EACH meal. My first instinct is to put it off, by any means. I always feel like there is something better to do, and that to clean up right away would just be sad. However, it is more sad to have a dirty kitchen all day when "a little later" never comes around.

Digressing a moment back to the playground thing: Heath loves it when I take the kids to the playground. I think he feels really good about me being home with them when I take them somewhere like that. He also worries about them being "cooped up" in the apartment all day. I try to remind him that the space is a lot bigger to them. Also, I told him, I remember being at home with my mom as a little girl and how being home was my favorite thing - it was so secure, so familiar, so comfortable. I don't think kids have the same desires that we do to get out and "do things." It is enough for them to impact and conquer the world that is inside their home (and themselves! i.e. physical/mental/emotional milestones). However, I do understand Heath's point, and he says little boys would feel different about being at home all the time (he theorizes since he was in daycare). Maybe he is right (and I have to trust his opinion, never having been a little boy myself), since in general it seems grown-up boys have more of a drive to get out of the house and "do something" than grown-up girls.

housing decisions

Lately, we have been trying to decide what we are going to do about housing on a long-term basis. We signed a six month lease on this apartment, thinking that hopefully we would have the house sold by the end of the 6 months, and then we could get another house here. But then we thought, maybe we should try to get all of our credit card debt paid off before buying, so that we could afford to buy a house we would be able to stay in for 10 years (instead of just 3 or 5). So, that would mean maintaining low housing payments for another 2 years approximately, to free up money to pay off the credit cards quickly.

The question this brought up was, could we stay in an apartment for 2 more years? For me, it isn't so much a question of whether or not I could stay in an apartment for 2 years (no problem), but can we really ask that of our kids? To spend 2/5 of their pre-school, at-home years in an apartment?

Honestly, I cannot figure out what the stigma is with an apartment. Is there something inherently bad about sharing walls with another family? It is actually quite economical; it saves insulation, energy, building materials, space. There are a lot of reasons I should love it, because I love efficiency. Furthermore, as a stay-at-home mom who feels isolated at times, having neighbors I am forced to see should be a plus, right?

I know a major downside of an apartment is not having an outside play area (i.e. yard) for the kids. However, this apartment complex does have a playground - better equipment than I could expect to have in my own backyard - and there is a park with deluxe playground across the street. Still, I know I am less likely to give them outside play time when I have to march across the parking lots with them (or pile us all into the car), and then sit and watch them play. With a house, I could just open the back door and let them out (theoretically - but there are always people who would disapprove of this approach and say I should still go out with them and sit and watch them play, just like at a public playground - still, I would at least avoid coordinating a walk or drive to the playground).

And then there is the economics argument - is renting throwing away money that could be going toward equity? In this case, since we would be moving again in 2-3 years, we would only accumulate enough equity to pay for the closing costs and realtor fees.

Talking to Heath about it, though, he very much wants to own a house. And in fact, so do I. I can't explain it logically, but there seems to be a stigma toward living in an apartment once you have reached a certain stage in life. It seems to subconsciously signal failure on some level. So, we are now looking for homes that would still yield a low housing payment and allow us to get the cards paid off just as quickly as living in an apartment. Even though we will just break even financially in 3 years, and we will have to deal with all the responsibility and upkeep of owning a house (not to mention selling it after those 3 years!), for some reason it is more appealing that renting an apartment. Heath tried to explain something about it being part of man's nature to want to own land. Maybe that is it. But for my part I still can't explain why my heart is so traitorous to my logic in this case.

Funny story

I don't know why it is so hard to keep this thing updated. I will think of some story or comment I am going to post, but by the time I think of it again I am either busy or in a weird mood or something, so I don't get on here and do it.

There is one funny story I was going to post. The other night I was putting some spoiled food down the disposal in the kitchen, and Heath kept commenting, kind of teasing me, "You are stinking up the whole house! That smells terrible! Do you think you can quit stinking it up in there?" Finally, Jacob says to me, "Mommy, go poop!" It caught us off guard and we thought it was hilarious.

Apparently, I act my age....

You Are 28 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

a very useful engine

I thought of a chore I like!!!

Throwing away papers. I get such a thrill out of it. Whether I am throwing away a whole trash can full after letting it build up (as I too often do), or if I am just sorting and throwing away 3/4 of the daily mail, I find it very satisfying. I also enjoy the paperwork side of being a housewife, like making a shopping list or balancing the checkbook, but I have never felt like I could count those as chores since they weren't actually cleaning. But throwing away papers - I think that counts.

As I started cleaning the kitchen this morning, I thought, oh this is so boring; it is painful! But once I got started, in a rhythm, and turned on some music, it wasn't so bad. I think the anticipation of the housework and just breaking the soil - finding a place to start - is much worse than the middle and end. I actually like the end. It makes me feel very useful and good about myself to look at my spotless kitchen. I like looking at the cabinet doors and knowing that behind them everything is organized and in place, and seeing the counters swept clean. For a moment, I get a sense of completion, if only until the next meal time. This is rare in the life of a stay-at-home mom.

Saying that I felt useful made me think of Jacob's Thomas the Tank Engine videos. I thought they were so funny at first, but now they have become very endearing to me. The topmost values on the island of Sodor (the location of Thomas's rail line) are being useful, being on time, being dependable, working hard. Not such bad values for the rest of us. I think it actually is very important to feel useful - even if it means doing housework to get there. :-)

I haven't posted for a while because I guess I haven't thought of anything profound or humorous to say. But I thought it was time for an update, anyway.

I was talking recently with the girls at my Bible study about how hard it is to make friends once you have kids. Moms can get together during the day, but so much energy is focused on monitoring the kids that not a lot of bonding can take place. And husbands are not fond of being left alone with the kids in the evening while we make new friends (wives aren't either when the situation is reversed). Once the kids are in bed, we want to have time with our spouses. I am starting to understand why so many couples seem to not have friends they hang out with during their child raising years. Family life can be so consuming, and it certainly should be the priority. But yet we need friends to lean on and to laugh with. So, I am going to make more of an effort. I think I will call one or more of the girls I have met to set up play dates. Or maybe our families could get together for dinner.

The interesting thing about starting over in a new city is we can be whoever we want to be, in a way. We have joked about how the new Jenny can be a great housekeeper and always on time, and the new Heath can be... well I forget what we said about Heath. That shows that I don't see his shortcomings nearly as easily as I see mine! But anyway, stereotypes are gone. We could completely change our interests, and no one would know. It is an interesting exercise to think of how we would recreate ourselves given the chance. Only time will tell if it is really possible.

Stepford Wives

I am glad that we already have a church we are enjoying here. I am glad there is a cell group we can go to as a couple, and numerous Bible studies for me to choose from during the day, with child care provided. However, I had a somewhat strange experience at my women's Bible study this morning.

There were probably 50 or so women in the main portion of the study, when we watch a video. Then, we split into small groups of around 10 people. Since this was our first meeting, we went around and introduced ourselves and told a little bit about ourselves.

One by one, the women described their interests, and by the third person I was noticing a common theme. I wrote down everyone's names and interests, and at the end as I looked through, it was clear that every person EXCEPT ME had spoken of enjoying cooking and/or baking. Wow. That is nice. I used to enjoy cooking. I enjoyed being creative and producing a result that would be pleasing to my husband. Now it is such a monumental exercise, first to have cleaned my kitchen, then to have carved out time (and money) to have gone to the store to get necessary ingredients (often a task accompanied by wrangling children), and then to somehow keep my children occupied in another room, or to manage having them underfoot, or to listen to them scream at me from behind the child gate. So, not so much fun for me anymore.

There have actually been times I have thought it would be easier to work full-time simply because I could afford to never cook or do chores (speaking of which, a few of these same women also spoke of enjoying cleaning/organizing/decorating their homes). I quit work to be home with my children, but the fact that most of the cooking and cleaning fall to me now has certainly not been a "fringe benefit" - it has in fact been part of the job description I would have liked to cut out.

The second common theme was even more mystifying to me. Almost every person said they liked to exercise!! At least two even specified running! Now, I did used to be quite fit, but I have NEVER enjoyed exercise for exercise sake. Cheerleading, dancing, gymnastics - those have other goals that I found enjoyable in themselves. I guess I have always seen just running or doing exercise as empty time - my brain isn't doing anything and my body is hurting! I know it is good for me, I know it is necessary even, but I have a very hard time enduring it and would never list it as an interest or hobby, even if I did it regularly, any more than I would list brushing my teeth or showering (which incidently I have the same attitude toward, but societal pressure keeps me doing them).

Finally, there was simply an attitude of "I love-love-love it! I love staying home, I love parenting, I love every little thing about my kids and my husband, I love all the jobs I do at home!" etc. etc. Now, this is admirable. I wish I had this attitude. But right now I am at a different place, where I am exasperated and desperate for refreshment in my role as a stay-at-home mom and wife. I love my kids and husband and I am desperately committed to them, but I am really, really struggling with disciplining my kids. They test me a lot, and frankly, I am worn out by the end of every day (sometimes just by mid-morning). And, as I have already discussed, doing chores is a continual work-is-pain struggle for me. I would much rather be reading or researching something on the internet or figuring our budget or paying bills (numbers comfort me with their straightforward, black and white).

There were two or three people who listed reading as a hobby, and one or two who listed music as an interest/hobby, so I guess I am not totally without cohorts in this group. And perhaps I can take the perspective that God has placed me in this group that seems so foreign to me to teach me something. But ultimately, Heath and I decided, these are Stepford Wives! I don't think I will ever be like them, and I am not sure I would want to. I hope I will someday be someone who exercises regularly, and perhaps even enjoys it, but I don't know that it will ever be part of the core of me. I want to learn to bless my family with a peaceful home, and exercise the image of God in me by making order from the chaos in my home. But I don't know if I will ever enjoy my chores. Heath said, "Do these women have fun with their husbands?" Along those lines, I guess it is most important that each couple is totally happy with the one they have chosen. And even if Heath wishes the house was cleaner and that I was more faithful with my cooking, he would never trade my curiosity and spunk for those things being my greatest interests.

obedient circadian rhythms

Here I am again, awake before 7 am, but actually thankful this morning that the kids slept in until nearly 7 am! So, I guess that proves my earlier hypothesis that my circadian rhythms could be changed. I'm actually mostly awake.

I was thinking this morning and all day yesterday, in fact, about how the hardest commands for me to follow are the ones to not complain or argue, and not to sin in anger. There are times in our lives when it seems that obeying our parents or remaining pure or not conforming to the world are our biggest struggles. But now it boils down to this, for me anyway. I don't know if this is common to my age group, or my situation in life, or if it is just a season for me. But reading the program at church yesterday, where is said "obedient believers" could partake of communion, I wondered how obedient I am... when I can't go a whole day without snapping at one of the people I love most, or at the least complaining about something. The other struggles I mentioned - with obeying parents, or moral purity, or not conforming to the world - all those struggles were relieved somewhat as life situations changed. I suppose as my life becomes easier, as we get settled in and the kids become more and more independent, then this struggle will be less too? But it seems that I should be able to realize how to be holy in the midst of my situation first. And I have no clue how that is going to happen yet.

relief and pondering

Our house is on the market! Horray! Now comes the waiting. And then the negotiating, and details of contracts and attorneys, and then more waiting for closing date.... But nonetheless I am very happy we don't have to go back for a while. I love all the people there, but I am not loving the three and a half hour drive.

Ethan doesn't have very many words he says clearly yet, but among the few are "Elmo" and "Bob Builder." He even sings the Bob the Builder song. This is very amusing to me. I think he said "Dora" to me today, also. One more fictional character added to his vocabulary. He has also initiated a new favorite word: "No." This has been going on for a week or two, and it is getting more and more amusing, as he applies it irrelevantly or counterproductively.

Today I was thinking, as I sometimes do, of what I might think of the world and life and humanity and what it all means if I hadn't grown up in a Christian home. Because even growing up in Church, there are still times I think, this doesn't all make sense! Why is life so hard or so mean to certain people? Or to all of us at various times? It doesn't seem like a loving God would place us here to live like this. But of course I know it was not intended to be this way... it was supposed to be wonderful until we let evil in. So, then, has God abandoned the world and beings he created? Because if he is still up there watching us, and active in our world, then why does He let it be so bad sometimes?

Don't get me wrong, I know all the "right" answers. I know and believe that God does work all things together for good for those who love Him, and that He does answer prayers and heal and comfort and reveal truth and knowledge. I guess the fact that He is still active is the only reason we have any glimpses of good in our (sometimes it seems) crazy depraved out of control world.

Sometimes I think all of faith springs from the question: How did we get here? Then I think faith dies with the question: Why would God let this happen to me/them/us? I don't think people don't believe in God so much as they just don't like the God they do believe in. It is easier to convince themselves He doesn't exist by somehow writing Him out of the creation picture or whatever other way they choose to do it, than it is to face the fact that they are impotently angry at the only One who could do anything to help them, Someone who they instinctively know is infinitely powerful and truthfully loving and that they have no right to question. It is the same feeling you might have had as a child shouting, "I hate you; leave me alone!" to your parent as you run to your bedroom already wishing you could take it back and desperate for them to come after you. Thankfully, blessedly, amazingly, we do have a God who comes after us.

Early Riser

So, Ethan has decided that 6:30 is his favorite wake-up time. Well, sometimes it is 6:00 or 7:00 or even 5:30 or 7:15, but I would say on average, it is 6:30. The problem is, I do not wake up until 8:00 or 8:30. Maybe I open my eyes and walk around before then, but my mind and soul is protesting with every fiber of its being. We have now explained to Jacob what the word "grumpy" means - it has become sadly relevant to his daily life.

The worst is that Ethan doesn't act rested and chipper - just wide awake and mad. So I get to listen to him scream while I battle against everything in me telling me that I should be asleep. I have tried putting him to bed earlier, later, anything I can think to try, and we still end up awake at 6:30 am and neither of us happy.

I wonder how I can reset my circadian rhythms. I mean, surely I can train myself to be awake at 6:30, right? I would need to be asleep by 10:30, which is basically impossible in our home, but then it would work, right? However, all through high school, trying to get up at 6:30 or 7, my body never got used to it - it was always painful. So I worry that I am genetically programmed to not wake up early.

On another topic, I have called the landlord about Ethan's room smelling like cats. They are going to come pull up the carpet and put primer on the cement. The carpet in the entire apartment was cleaned before we moved in, so they don't think it could be the carpet itself. And now Heath informs me, "I have never smelled cats in that room!" Maybe it is my sleep deprivation causing me to smell imaginary cat odor...

I truly need a day of rest. We have missed out because of using weekends to work on our house to get it on the market. (And who knows how much longer we will continue to miss out before it is ready?)

s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d

Today I logged back onto my blog after a long hiatus in order to make sure it was suitable for reading by people who actually know me. :-S Some of our friends have blogs now, and I could post comments using my blogger name, except I wasn't sure I wanted to until I checked it over. I decided, I guess it is ok.

Today and yesterday have been awful, terrible, days I want to forget and never live through again. We just moved, 2 weeks ago Saturday, and so there is all the normal craziness, must-get-done-or-the-world-will-fall-apart things. But then I have 2 small children set on defying me and making my head explode. No, really. I mean, Jacob actually said, "I'm going to ______" whatever I had just asked him not to do, in a sing-song, elementary school teasing voice. I said, "Well you better not or you will get in trouble." He says, "YOU'LL get in trouble." It would be funny if it wasn't so infuriating. Meanwhile Ethan pooped on the floor this morning and his room smells inexplicably like cats. (The floor-poop incident didn't happen in his room if that is what you are thinking....) They are also both determined to remove every rubber piece off of every door stopper in the apartment, and store them in their mouths until discovered (we didn't have these in our previous home). Then, our new bank wanted to hold the funds from Heath's first paycheck in our account for 5 days before we could access them. Hello, bills?

Come back tomorrow, everything will be better then. Right? We honestly have been having a good time in our new city, until this recent personality transformation in our children. I know that God wants us here, and He will help us through it all. We're being stretched, but stretched isn't always bad, you know? (feels terrible awful today, but hopefully I will be happy in the long run when I learn to clean poop off the floor with a smile) Meanwhile my only goal in life is to find a babysitter so we can have date nights (or even just 5 minutes away from our children).

wallowing

Remember what I was saying about being a bad housekeeper? Well, the worst of it is the fights with my husband about it. As if I don't already feel badly enough about it.

We used to have these fights frequently until, I guess, he decided to give up. But the issue still comes up occassionally. In this instance, we had been out to our friends brand NEW bigger-than-ours house. Which was spotlessly clean and immaculately decorated with all new goods. Never mind that we were invited and therefore, I'm sure, lady of the house was cleaning furiously (in fact she told me all through her Christmas break she has been putting in dawn-to-dusk cleaning and decorating days). Still, my house gets compared to hers. Why can't he compare my house on the days we have had huge parties that we spent hours preparing for? No, he compares my everyday noones-gonna-see-it house to hers. How insulting.

The worst of it was, I felt like I had actually done an extraordinary amount of cleaning over the weekend. Dishes, a couple of loads of laundry, the bathroom, vacuumed a couple of rooms, put away ALL the toys into Jacob's room. But no, it did not look even close to the "other" house. Because, for one thing, we have 2 kids, and she has none. And we have a buildup of clutter to attack, not packed away in moving boxes to be tackled one at a time, but spread over most of the house. And, I guess, most of all, I just am not a good housekeeper - not motivated, not concerned.

So, this morning, I am torn between cleaning like a mad-woman to prove that I am worth something as a wife and mother and person, or wallowing in shame and doing nothing. Right now I am choosing wallowing.