temper tantrums

I have never seen someone throw such temper tantrums as my son, Jacob. Well, except for maybe me. Granted, I have not been around many kids day in and day out. But, whenever I did get a glimpse of a temper tantrum, I would always think, "I am never going to let my kids behave like that!" Maybe I was so vehement about it because it was actually a demonstration of feelings I myself still struggle with. And now I am faced with them in a very concrete way in my son.

I know, I know, "Kids need rules and boundaries; they need to know who is the boss." But that is so very hard. It doesn't seem right to purposefully inflict pain on my children in order to get them to do the right thing. I know that they don't yet have internal control (do I, either?), and they need the external control to help them make the right decisions (maybe this is what I need, too?). I know they don't really want to disobey but sometimes without repercussions it is beyond them to make the right choices. Their natural curiosity makes them test limits and push farther and farther until they hit a brick wall (literally or figuratively). Yet, it seems there should be a more sophisticated, more subtle way to help them make the right choices and be their external conscience until they develop an internal one. Ultimately, I want them to learn to turn the other cheek. But in teaching non-violence, do I want to sacrifice my children learning that they are not the center of the world, learning to respect authority, learning that there are rules that must be followed?

I remember as a child thinking, "why do they have the right to tell me what to do?!? why do my desires and thoughts and opinions deserve less consideration than theirs?" And that is how we treat children, you know. We have such a double standard, in which an adult who is offended or has a request or opinion is listened to and accomodated as much as constraints will allow, but a child with a request is often dismissed without explanation or even trying to accomodate. That is why I do try to actually listen to my children and give them an explanation for the judgments I hand down, and I try to accomodate when I can, asking myself "Is there some way we can both get what we want and need in this situation?" Just like I would with an adult. However, ultimately, maybe we adults need to take a cue from what we are trying to teach our children, and be less defensive of having our desires and thoughts and opinions considered as much as anyone else's. We all need to learn to be less selfish, along with being more considerate toward both adults and children.

Anyway, back to spanking. Although it seems like there should be a better way, I don't think there is any way around it. If Jacob insists on getting out of bed over and over when he needs to sleep, then other than getting him to stay by spanking him, I could literally hold him down in his bed. But then, inevitably, Ethan would start crying for a bottle or something. I suppose if I only had one child, maybe I could employ these other methods. But then, what about when I leave and he gets up again? Do I continue to go into his room and hold him in bed to fall asleep? It seems the only workable solution is convincing him of the merits of staying in bed of his own will. And so far, only spanking has done that. He's not exactly to reasoning age. Maybe it would work to say he could have a treat when he gets up or that he will get something taken away if he doesn't stay in bed, but so far those sort of punishments/rewards have not had much effect. If he wants something, he wants it NOW - 2 hours from now are irrelevant.

So, I keep doing it - for big issues anyway, like staying in bed for naps and nighttime and not hitting, that sort of thing. But I still think if he wasn't my child and it hadn't happened gradually, I would be horrified at the level of disrespect he shows toward me - shouting "no" at me (shouting at me at all, in fact), running away from me when I try to change his diaper or clothes, throwing screaming kicking fits when I tell him he can't have something. I sometimes think, if I am going to spank, maybe I need to deal with his attitude with spanking, too.

And then there is the issue of pottying, which he is determined to have his way with as well... but that is another topic for another day. :-)