temper tantrums

I have never seen someone throw such temper tantrums as my son, Jacob. Well, except for maybe me. Granted, I have not been around many kids day in and day out. But, whenever I did get a glimpse of a temper tantrum, I would always think, "I am never going to let my kids behave like that!" Maybe I was so vehement about it because it was actually a demonstration of feelings I myself still struggle with. And now I am faced with them in a very concrete way in my son.

I know, I know, "Kids need rules and boundaries; they need to know who is the boss." But that is so very hard. It doesn't seem right to purposefully inflict pain on my children in order to get them to do the right thing. I know that they don't yet have internal control (do I, either?), and they need the external control to help them make the right decisions (maybe this is what I need, too?). I know they don't really want to disobey but sometimes without repercussions it is beyond them to make the right choices. Their natural curiosity makes them test limits and push farther and farther until they hit a brick wall (literally or figuratively). Yet, it seems there should be a more sophisticated, more subtle way to help them make the right choices and be their external conscience until they develop an internal one. Ultimately, I want them to learn to turn the other cheek. But in teaching non-violence, do I want to sacrifice my children learning that they are not the center of the world, learning to respect authority, learning that there are rules that must be followed?

I remember as a child thinking, "why do they have the right to tell me what to do?!? why do my desires and thoughts and opinions deserve less consideration than theirs?" And that is how we treat children, you know. We have such a double standard, in which an adult who is offended or has a request or opinion is listened to and accomodated as much as constraints will allow, but a child with a request is often dismissed without explanation or even trying to accomodate. That is why I do try to actually listen to my children and give them an explanation for the judgments I hand down, and I try to accomodate when I can, asking myself "Is there some way we can both get what we want and need in this situation?" Just like I would with an adult. However, ultimately, maybe we adults need to take a cue from what we are trying to teach our children, and be less defensive of having our desires and thoughts and opinions considered as much as anyone else's. We all need to learn to be less selfish, along with being more considerate toward both adults and children.

Anyway, back to spanking. Although it seems like there should be a better way, I don't think there is any way around it. If Jacob insists on getting out of bed over and over when he needs to sleep, then other than getting him to stay by spanking him, I could literally hold him down in his bed. But then, inevitably, Ethan would start crying for a bottle or something. I suppose if I only had one child, maybe I could employ these other methods. But then, what about when I leave and he gets up again? Do I continue to go into his room and hold him in bed to fall asleep? It seems the only workable solution is convincing him of the merits of staying in bed of his own will. And so far, only spanking has done that. He's not exactly to reasoning age. Maybe it would work to say he could have a treat when he gets up or that he will get something taken away if he doesn't stay in bed, but so far those sort of punishments/rewards have not had much effect. If he wants something, he wants it NOW - 2 hours from now are irrelevant.

So, I keep doing it - for big issues anyway, like staying in bed for naps and nighttime and not hitting, that sort of thing. But I still think if he wasn't my child and it hadn't happened gradually, I would be horrified at the level of disrespect he shows toward me - shouting "no" at me (shouting at me at all, in fact), running away from me when I try to change his diaper or clothes, throwing screaming kicking fits when I tell him he can't have something. I sometimes think, if I am going to spank, maybe I need to deal with his attitude with spanking, too.

And then there is the issue of pottying, which he is determined to have his way with as well... but that is another topic for another day. :-)

Jacob (sitting) with friend Jonas

housekeeping

I stink at housekeeping. No, really. It's hard to imagine I could be good at it with how little effort I put in.

I think about my Grandma, who washed clothes and dishes by hand and ironed everything, swept and waxed her hardwood floor, and mopped on her hands and knees. I have a dishwasher, washing machine, and vacuum for my fully carpeted house. But do I use them? No, I sit here on my butt for most of the day. Well, not really. I do spend quite a bit of time changing diapers, filling sippy cups and making bottles, feeding us all, separating the boys, discipling Jacob, helping with toys etc etc. But somehow it seems that I should be able to do all that and still keep a spotless house. Right?

Do you think there were bad housekeepers in our Grandmother's generation? If not, what did they do with their kids all day? Did they learn not to interfere while Mommy does dishes or laundry? Because if I open the dishwasher (or refridgerator for that matter) my kids are right there reeking havoc. I spend as much time keeping them out of the way as I do with the actual chore.

Actually, I think I could keep up with the basics if it weren't for all the junk everywhere. Could people please stop sending me mail and giving me more things to find places for?! No, really, I do appreciate the Christmas gifts we received, but life would be much simpler without any more mail. Ever.

Me with 2 mo. old Ethan

staying home

I am constantly reassessing my decisions regarding my children. It seems to me the most tricky is my decision to stay home with them. This is such a touchy subject. I can't really talk about it openly because so many friends choose not to or feel they can't stay home. So the only PC thing to say is, "It was the right decision for my family." But really, if I am going to stay home, shouldn't I do it because I believe it is generally the best choice? Honestly, though, I think about this often myself and wonder.

Will my kids be glad I stayed home with them, or will they wish I had worked and saved for their college?

introduction

I suppose I should start by introducing myself. I am 27 years old, living in Kansas, spending my days mostly at home with my two sons, Jacob, who is 2.5, and Ethan, who is 11 months. My husband, Heath, does web page design for a business which he owns with his dad and another man. Heath and I met at Manhattan Christian College where we were both studying Bible/Cross-cultural Ministry. We plan to go to the mission field someday, but for the moment we are blessed to live near many family members and friends who we get to see on a weekly basis. My kids are getting to be raised by their extended family as well as their parents, and I love that. :-)

We like to go out to eat and to movies, although we have had to curb these activites with the arrival of children and a more limited budget. ;-) We try to save those activities for date nights now. We watch some TV, like Star Trek, The Apprentice, 24, Smallville, Scrubs, Joey, Simpsons (maybe that seems like a strange mix to some but it makes sense to us :-)), and sometimes news and late-night shows. We both like to read, but who has the time now? Obviously, we both spend quite a bit of time on the internet - Heath job requires it, and it is the only "entertainment" I can really manage while watching the kids. We don't drink or smoke (or very rarely at least ;-), but we don't exercise either, so I guess it balances out health-wise. In summary, I guess we just spend most of our time talking and hanging out with each other, our family and friends, and like I said taking in a few TV shows, movies, and books. Oh, and Heath plays xbox. :-P