a better day

Today was quite a bit better than yesterday. For one thing, I had gotten a ton of sleep - went to bed around 7:00 pm and didn't get up until 7:00 am. I did wake up for around 30 minutes and have a snack around 11 pm, but other than that, I slept almost 12 hours. The day started out looking like it would be the usual, and I still felt a heaviness draped over me, but then I received two encouraging emails and an encouraging phone call from friends who had read my last few posts. I think after that the tone of my day was changed permanently. Even when I got some really bad news about a friend, I wasn't totally knocked down for the day. It made me very sad, but also reminded me that things could be much worse and that turning my attention and energy to other's needs can make mine feel a little less suffocating.

struggling - part 3

I don't know what to do to make this situation better. I really need some time away from my kids to gain perspective. Usually the grandmas are able to take the kids individually for a while each summer, but that didn't work out this year. Also, these last three days Heath was in Phoenix for work, which was necessary but not helpful. Before that we had a weekend where I was abandonded with the kids by myself while he went out and did fun stuff for about 30 hours straight with guy friends who were in town (okay, he did sleep in there somewhere). Sorry, guys, but also not helpful for a depressed stay-at-home mom who needs every possible break she can get from the kids.

I feel like there is no one to help me with this.

struggling - part 2

Heath thinks I should seriously consider getting a job. He thinks I would be happier, because I wouldn't be driven nuts by the kids all day, and instead (theoretically), I would miss them and be refreshed to see them in the evening. (I think he forgets here how he is often not overwhelmed with delight to see them when he come home from work exhausted.) He also points out that it wouldn't necessarily shift the full load of housework to the evenings and weekends, since a lot of our current load of housework is created during the day by the kids' play and simply from the process of living and being in the house all day long.

As for me, I think it would probably make our lives crazier.

struggling - part 1

I find myself too often in the position of really not liking my children. I feel horrible about this. But they really are just jerks sometimes. They demand and beg and nag, and then don't listen to me or obey the rules, don't even give me a response when I speak to them much of the time! They whine about my rules and fight against them; Ethan throws huge tantrums, Jacob pouts. They inflict shocking frequencies and degrees of violence on each other with complete disregard for my pleas to stop. What is there to like sometimes, honestly? Yet, I know my job is to love them when they are undeserving of it, to be faithful to them and to honor the deep connection we share, as well as my commitment to them as their parent. And I will do so. In the meantime, I need to find a way to live with them and maintain an example of peace and love, rather than a display of anger and attempts to control which I cringe to see them repeat on each other. I really am not sure how to become that example of peace and love and to stop displaying anger and trying to control by force. But as part of the process, I am going to write the things that they sometimes do or are which remind me of my deep love and affection for them. (And I guess I'll pray these characteristics would start coming out more than the negative ones again!)