Thanks everyone for your kind words and prayers after my last post. The fog of sadness lifted the next morning, and things have been mostly good since. It's so strange how sadness can dominate a day or week, and then lift almost as suddenly as it came on. I suppose there are underlying reasons, but still it is a little unreasonable, I think...

I have been meaning to post some new pictures of Samuel, who is now definitely our chubbiest baby so far. He can stand by himself now, and even get to that position from sitting. So he'll stand up in the middle of a room and stay there for a while - but without taking any steps yet. He still drops back down to his knees to crawl.

I took him outside to play in the yard yesterday, and he had so much fun. He stood and clapped while his brothers swung on the glider together. He tried to crawl up the slide and settled for sitting delightedly on the end of it for a while. He put a big, dirty rock in his mouth and smiled and spit it out when I asked him what he had. So, I will try to get some pictures of his antics and post them soon.

Again, thanks for reading and praying, friends...knowing you are out there helps keep me going on hard days. You are the Church as I believe Christ intended it. Being one in Him forever with you -and getting to experience some of that mutual love and grace now - is a great privilege.

The sorrow that hangs over me today is like a thick, dark cloak.
I wrap it around my shoulders
and feel its weight drape around my body.
It makes me feel safe, in a way...
yet oppressed,
unable to move freely.
There is no place to cast it off.
No one to lift it off my shoulders and put it safely away,
to be brought out again at a time
when I can support its weight more easily...
When I can discern why its threads came to be so tightly woven.

I am weary and tired,
and my soul longs for rest.
But today I can only wait...
Maybe tomorrow, joy will come
and wash away this senseless sorrow.

Is there any stay-at-home Mom who has not at least once, if not many times, thought, "I don't want this job anymore!"?

Really, I just wanted to start the day with a shower. I didn't get to shower yesterday morning either. I'd love to get up before my kids to exercise, shower, read and pray, but I've been so exhausted lately that I am squeezing in every spare second of sleep I can get. I know we are supposed to get 8 hours a night, but I don't understand why 7 or 7.5 won't at least get me by. It seems grossly unfair. I've been consuming enough caffeine every day to make me jittery, but still not quite awake - however that works. I would just go to bed at the same time as the kids, but I get a second wind around 8 pm, probably triggered by the excitement of having the kids in bed, a quiet house, and time alone with Heath. Or maybe all the caffeine builds up and finally kicks in at that hour.

Another troubling thing this week... Samuel has recently stopped adoring me. It is strange and unnerving. All he wants is Daddy. He is the first of our three children to have actually said "Mama" around the same time as "Dada," and he has been very attached to me almost from day one. But now, he has not said Mama for at least two weeks, and whenever I try to get him to say it, he says, forcefully, "Da-da!" I am apparently a piece of furniture in the backdrop of his world - Daddy is the real joy maker.

I hesitate to post thoughts like these, because I don't want to complain. I know my position in life is really good overall, and I don't want to seem unappreciative of that. But there are some really hard things, too, just like there are for everyone I guess. I have sometimes thought I should just kill my blog because it is mostly a venue for either 1) complaining about my position in life or 2) writing about topics that I am pondering, most of which I now deem too controversial to put out there for fear that I will say something that I later deem heretical and/or cause bad feelings or confusion among those I love. I suppose blogging also provides an opportunity to post pictures, developmental updates, and funny stories about the kids for those who don't see them very often... so that is something.

One other thing I have been wrestling with lately is reworking our grocery/household items budget. Our bank offered a new tool to track our spending across categories, and after 6 months we can see what we have spent, consistently, on groceries each month. About 50% over our budgeted amount, but consistent from month to month. So apparently we were quite out of touch with what we actually spend in that category. (I love the "mortgage" category - right on budget, 6 months in a row!) I don't WANT to spend as much as we do - I want to spend the actual budgeted amount. But I also want to continue to enjoy the small luxuries we have been indulging in. So I am wrestling with, just how much is REASONABLE to spend for a family of 5 on grocery and household items? We lump together our food, paper products, toiletries, cleaning products, etc. all in one category. It is basically any of the usual, weekly things we buy at Dillons/Walmart/Target. How much do you spend? If you're willing to share, it really might help me out! I know ours is a bit higher right now because of diapers and formula, but that doesn't account for all the excess.

Well, it is Samuel's naptime, Thank God. Maybe I'll go take that long, warm shower I've been craving. If you see me later today with greasy hair, you'll know something else came up. :-)

Nattyman beat me to it. See our pictures of Johanna and Samuel on his blog! Plus some great ones of our older boys, too.

Yesterday morning, Ethan crawled in bed with us. As we snuggled and tried to continue sleeping, he was his normal chirpy self.

We encouraged him to be quiet, and he said, "Guys, let's play Quiet Dogs!"

My sleepy brain cleared away the cobwebs... "You mean Hush Puppies, Ethan?"

"Yeah!"

Coming soon... pictures of this weekend in GC with adorable Johanna Faith!