A post and comments on Matches' blog got me to thinking about the issue of a normal versus a "disordered" mind and how we define that and address that in our culture. Matches and Freestyle both mentioned that they think the way we define and treat mental disorders in our society may not be correct - that maybe what we believe to be the causes and best treatment for our depression are not the right ones. Now I have to decide just how brutally honest I want to be in discussing this as it relates to me. I mentioned in my comments there how I have been angry at times at my inborn tendencies in these areas, and how it has caused me a lot of heartbreak through the years.

The incidents I think of the most happened during and after college. One boy recognized it the very first time I froze up on him - Really I launched into a panic attack because I didn't know how to deal with the way he was treating me. I really, really didn't like it but also didn't want to drive him away, and was having sort of an inner crisis about it. To him it must have appeared that I was just responding to him really strangely. At any rate, I was no longer easy-going, and he essentially ended it after that, recognizing it had become too complicated. The second relationship in which my craziness affected things lasted longer and exposed more of its crippling affects. Again, I wasn't happy with how things stood between the boy and I (i.e. very undefined), but I couldn't force him to change things. I would try to be cool about it, but would eventually crack and the crazy would show through. He said he loved me, and I guess that is why he kept trying to make our relationship work, confusing as it was (can you really tell people you are just friends if you end up making out all the time? not my proudest moments). I do remember him saying, "I just can't keep doing this!" during one of our fights precipitated by what I now refer to as my craziness. But in the end, it was me - through God's work in me, finally convincing me I could live without this boy or any boy's affection - who finally completely broke off contact with him.

For several months, then, for the first time in my life, I was without any relationship that was close enough to draw out that panicy, disagreeable part of me. Others remarked on the new peace and joy they saw in my life. I felt secure and settled and content. My relationship with God was primary and rich and unthreatened.

After several months of living this way, God brought Heath into my life. We both were at this high point in our relationship with God, and even though we felt a strong draw to each other, and even felt that it was God who was drawing us together, neither of us wanted our relationship with each other to in any way threaten the peace with God we had come to know. And for a while, our new relationship was really an extension of the work God was doing in each of our lives. But eventually my craziness started to show there as well.

I know it was after we had already spoken for each other - we both knew we wanted to marry each other - that the crazy started to rear it's ugly head. Since we were attending Manhattan Bridal - I mean Bible College (okay now it is actually Manhattan Christian College, but you get the point), it was not unusual for us to be considering getting married even though we were only 19 and 20. And many engagements happen at MCC at the beginning of the fall semester, with a wedding planned for the next summer. So when Heath had extra money left over from his financial aid in the fall when we had been dating for about 6 months and talking about our future together for probably 5 of those months, I started to think .... And that is my downfall. Because of course, he bought an amp with the extra money. I mean, come on, you are a 19 year old guy in a band, what would you do with the extra money? I still trusted God for my future, and I knew I could be happy without a boy for the rest of my life, but it seemed so clear to me that God had brought this particular boy and I together and wanted us together, so why couldn't said boy just make it official? My emotions didn't like the lack of security in the relationship.

Well, we did get married about a year and half after we started dating - we got engaged the spring after the amp was bought. But we had many emotional arguments during that year and during the first few years of our marriage. It was really, really difficult at the time. Now, we rarely fight. When we do, I still get angry at my "craziness" and marvel that Heath married me even though he knew about it. People are surprised when they hear Heath and I used to fight because I guess we both seem pretty laid back now. But as I said, I don't do well with lack of definition or control. I kind of panic, and I hate the feeling of tension and panic so much that I sometimes end up lashing out. If the situation lasts long enough, I may become perpetually angry and irritable, which is particularly bad.

I mentioned in my comments on Matches blog that I have also lost girlfriends over this. The most obvious example I can think of is when one evening a couple we were friends with was over at our house and I got upset about something. I don't even remember what it was about, and I don't even remember who I was upset with. I'm fairly certain I wasn't upset with her - I was probably upset with Heath for something and she witnessed an outburst. However it happened, what I remember the most was her coming over to talk to me the next day and essentially telling me she didn't think she could be friends with someone who acted that way. I was absolutely stunned. I wanted to say, "I'm sorry?" only with a question mark at the end because yes, I was sorry to have acted that way, but also bewildered that she could actually think that was reasonable to decide not to be friends with someone on that basis. Anyway, somehow we ended up remaining friends, and eventually she started fighting with her husband continually until she finally left him. Which is a sad, sad story and I am not trying to make light of it at all, only pointing out that maybe she was scared of my craziness because she was afraid it would draw out her own latent craziness and feared it would be her destruction.

Ok, so. I have taken medicines off and on over the years to control these overwhelming surges of emotion I feel which sometimes end in unbearable tension or panic and crazy, unpredictable behavior. Certain antidepressants work fairly well to control anxiety and even out moods, though not without side effects (sleepiness and weight gain are the most troubling to me). I have tried to learn better strategies to rid myself of tension, to express emotion or opinion in non-confrontational, non-angry ways, and these are certainly good things to do. Of course, as a believer in Christ, I want to follow his instruction to cast all my cares on Him, and I also practice this. But the difficulty I have that I think others might not deal with is that the overwhelming emotions I feel in these situations do not obey my logic. They seem to rise and fall independent of what I really know to be true. Perhaps in previous ages there were other ways of dealing with emotional problems of this sort - for instance, I can usually get rid of an illogical panic attack by taking a nap and "rebooting" my brain that way. But that is so rarely possible. Venting to an understanding friend can also help. But that is also rarely possible, or at least rarely available at the moment it is needed. Journaling is very helpful, but also difficult in the midst of daily life. Even going into the other room for a few minutes to calm down can help, but people (especially young children) have a tendency to follow you and not feel comfortable with you walking out in the middle of a (particularly tense) conversation. So instead of trying to cope with the difficulties my inborn disposition has handed me in natural, communal ways, I take a couple of pills every day to keep me a little more even than I otherwise would be (and lately, not nearly as even as I'd like to be...). Maybe I am medicating something that is not actually a "disorder." But it's what I do to survive for now.

These are my thoughts and experiences with the challenges I have faced that stem from being me. I'm certainly not saying I have the right answers; I'm just describing where I am right now. So feel free to comment and share your own experience or opinions on the matter.