I watched a VCR tape of home videos last night at my Mom's house. When I started watching the video, I had totally forgotten what it recorded (a Dafforn family gathering), or that my dad would be on the tape. It was very strange to see him on video. He has been gone for almost 15 years now. We kept rewinding parts that showed my dad, so that Heath could see him and maybe we could hear his voice. Finally, we came to a part where he looked at the camera as I was holding it, and we could hear his voice. He said, "Don't use up all their film, Jenny." (It was my uncle's video camera.) Not quite what I'd been hoping for, but oh well. Heath said that if my Dad could see it now he would wish he had said something else at the one moment we would have his voice preserved.
Of course, watching the videos sent me into a reflective state of mind. I was 12, almost 13 years old on the tape. I looked 16, but I was just entering 8th grade. Heath says I had an attitude on the video. The previous two years, 6th and 7th grade, had been years of hell. I was teased mercilessly by my classmates. They called me "pistol-packing mama," and sang a song with those words. The song "Janie's Got a Gun" had come out that year, so I was serenaded with that as well. This was all because there was a girl in my class in 6th grade who told me to meet her after school to fight. I told her no. She said, "Okay, I'll just bring a gun to school and shoot you then." Thinking she was ridiculous, I said, "Oh yeah, me too." She said, "You don't have a gun." I said, "Yes, I do..." and proceeded to tell her how many and what kinds. (My dad was a big hunter and had taught me how to shoot and provided me with "my own" guns since I was little.) I was not popular and she was, so the popular kids started in with the taunts. Anyway, I digress. Suffice it to say, this was the summer following those years of hell.
There were two things that sort of stunned me about hearing my Dad talk on the tape to me. First of all, I was still a little girl that he could order what to do. He didn't say it to me like you would to another adult - because of course, I wasn't. Hearing it again, I felt again what I probably felt at that moment when he said it - chastised, embarrassed and shamed because my other relatives were there. My second observation was that he seemed not to like me very much. And I probably wasn't very likable at the time. It took me back to that time in my life, to the fights I would have with him. Junior high age kids are not always the funnest to live with, you know.
Heath says the reason it bothers me is that I never got to fix it. My dad died when I was 14, and we still didn't have a good relationship at that point. I hadn't really learned to be kind to those closest to me at that point. I was disrespectful and probably a very frustrating kid. Once I hit puberty, I don't think he knew what to do with me, with my emotions and girliness. I remember being told I was "Daddy's girl" when I was little, so I think he liked me well enough then. But when I turned into a punk teenager, our relationship short-circuited.
It took me back to those years of adolescence, when we all just want people to approve of us so much. We are so aware and concerned about what people think of the things we say and do, and we are so critical of the things other people say and do. It has been a relief to be a part of true Christian community in recent years, where people accept each other and love each other and help each other. But I still get hung up on whether or not people like me, and I still have a hard time being likable sometimes. I'm not an obnoxious teenager anymore, but I am an awkward adult sometimes, who doesn't do well at showing people she cares about them because of being self-conscious or unsure of herself.
At the time the video was taken and the years that immediately followed, I didn't think it mattered to me what Dad thought of me. I thought it only mattered what my peers thought of me. But it does matter to me now what he thought of me then. I wish I hadn't been such a jerk, or that he had known how to push through my adolescent angst to keep our relationship intact. I wish I could remember both being liked by him and being likable. I wonder what impact it has had on my life not to have experienced those two things.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
just two more...
Sorry for the flood of pictures. This last post is a picture of the flowers Heath got me for our engagement-anniversary, and a copy of our engagement picture from 9 years ago (yes, we were young!). It was about 10 years ago this month that we started our relationship, 9 years ago on February 13 that we got engaged, and 9 years of marriage on August 8.
Birthday Party
I am finally getting some pictures of Ethan's birthday party online. If you click on the picture below, it will take you to the online album.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
ah, asthma
It's 1 am, and we just got back from the ER. Jacob's breathing kind of deteriorated, or at least it seemed so to us, so we took him in about 10 pm. We were done by 11:30 pm, but as we were walking out the door, the nurse ran back to us and said, "Wait, did we give him his first dose of prednisolone yet?" Um, no. We were walking out with a prescription for oral prednisolone, and I don't know what we thought we would do with it, because as I mentioned in my last post, Jacob doesn't do oral medicine.
So, we try the medicine cup. Then we try the syringe. Several times. Heath holds him down and gives the dose. I hold him down and Heath gives the dose. I hold him and the nurse gives the dose. Same gargling and spitting scenerio described in my last post. Finally, the doctor comes in and says, "You are taking the medicine. Either you will drink it, or I will give you a shot." So Jacob tries to drink it himself, in little bitty sips with much shuddering and much of the medicine leaking out the sides of his mouth. He's almost to the bottom of the medicine cup when he throws up all over himself and the bed.
So, we got the shot. He has viral croup on top of the flu, so that explains the horrible sounding cough despite the doctor saying his lungs were clear this morning and despite regular albuterol treatments. We were worried his blood oxygen levels would be down in the high 80's - low 90's by the time we got there, because of how he sounded, but he was between 95-97% when we got there, and up to 99-100% by the time we left. So that was reassuring. Also, the hour of struggling over oral medicine was confirmation that not getting the Tamiflu was probably a good choice.
I almost forgot to mention - my brother Jeff came over to stay with Ethan while we took Jacob to the hospital. Ethan was sound asleep, but woke up right as we were leaving, and cried for us for over an hour. Jeff couldn't get Ethan to be quiet long enough to realize who he was. Finally Jeff says to Ethan, "Do you like football?" (knowing he does). "Yes," Ethan says. (Apparently Ethan decided it was okay to talk to the strange man if it was about football.) Jeff says, "Did you know Uncle Jeff used to play football?" "You did?!" Ethan says. Jeff said it only took about 2 minutes of football storytelling before Ethan was peacefully back to sleep. He woke up a couple more times before we got home, and briefly cried out; but then he cried out "Uncle Jeff!" instead of "Mommy! Daddy!"
So, we try the medicine cup. Then we try the syringe. Several times. Heath holds him down and gives the dose. I hold him down and Heath gives the dose. I hold him and the nurse gives the dose. Same gargling and spitting scenerio described in my last post. Finally, the doctor comes in and says, "You are taking the medicine. Either you will drink it, or I will give you a shot." So Jacob tries to drink it himself, in little bitty sips with much shuddering and much of the medicine leaking out the sides of his mouth. He's almost to the bottom of the medicine cup when he throws up all over himself and the bed.
So, we got the shot. He has viral croup on top of the flu, so that explains the horrible sounding cough despite the doctor saying his lungs were clear this morning and despite regular albuterol treatments. We were worried his blood oxygen levels would be down in the high 80's - low 90's by the time we got there, because of how he sounded, but he was between 95-97% when we got there, and up to 99-100% by the time we left. So that was reassuring. Also, the hour of struggling over oral medicine was confirmation that not getting the Tamiflu was probably a good choice.
I almost forgot to mention - my brother Jeff came over to stay with Ethan while we took Jacob to the hospital. Ethan was sound asleep, but woke up right as we were leaving, and cried for us for over an hour. Jeff couldn't get Ethan to be quiet long enough to realize who he was. Finally Jeff says to Ethan, "Do you like football?" (knowing he does). "Yes," Ethan says. (Apparently Ethan decided it was okay to talk to the strange man if it was about football.) Jeff says, "Did you know Uncle Jeff used to play football?" "You did?!" Ethan says. Jeff said it only took about 2 minutes of football storytelling before Ethan was peacefully back to sleep. He woke up a couple more times before we got home, and briefly cried out; but then he cried out "Uncle Jeff!" instead of "Mommy! Daddy!"
Monday, February 12, 2007
flu!
Jacob has the flu! No, I didn't get him the flu shot. I'm sorry. He's never been this sedate in his life. Which is good in a way, because we will be confined to the house for the next week or so while he is contagious.
I was excited about the possibility of getting him Tamiflu, until I found out that it only reduces the duration of the virus by a median of 1.3 days, and it doesn't do anything for the symptoms while the virus lasts. When I found out our insurance co-pay was $60, I decided the likelihood that Jacob would spit all the medicine back at us rather than swallowing it outweighed the potential benefit. If we only had to give it for a couple of days and then the flu would be gone, that would have been worth it. Giving it twice a day for 5 days with a chance he'll get over it in 6 days instead of 7 wasn't as appealing.
(We have not been able to get him to take any medicine by mouth for over a year. I know you're thinking we probably didn't try hard enough, but if I could show you some kind of flashback video of those moments... Holding him down while we used a medicine syringe to slowly dispense the liquid into the back pocket of his cheek, where it is supposed to be almost impossible for someone not to swallow it, but instead he gargles the medicine until it all leaks out the corners of his mouth or sputters out onto our faces and clothes.)
I was excited about the possibility of getting him Tamiflu, until I found out that it only reduces the duration of the virus by a median of 1.3 days, and it doesn't do anything for the symptoms while the virus lasts. When I found out our insurance co-pay was $60, I decided the likelihood that Jacob would spit all the medicine back at us rather than swallowing it outweighed the potential benefit. If we only had to give it for a couple of days and then the flu would be gone, that would have been worth it. Giving it twice a day for 5 days with a chance he'll get over it in 6 days instead of 7 wasn't as appealing.
(We have not been able to get him to take any medicine by mouth for over a year. I know you're thinking we probably didn't try hard enough, but if I could show you some kind of flashback video of those moments... Holding him down while we used a medicine syringe to slowly dispense the liquid into the back pocket of his cheek, where it is supposed to be almost impossible for someone not to swallow it, but instead he gargles the medicine until it all leaks out the corners of his mouth or sputters out onto our faces and clothes.)
Friday, February 02, 2007
MLM peeve - my public service announcement
I just talked to my Mom about a phone call she had last night with someone selling for a certain multi-level-marketing company (the nice way to say "pyramid scheme"). There are several things that really, really bug me about these companies. First of all, whatever their product is, they have a spiel about how it will, basically, revolutionize your existence. They tell you about a problem you didn't even know you had and their fantastic solution to the problem. Many of these companies probably do have exceptional, wonderful products. Just don't give me outlandish reasons why I need it or claims about how it will change my life. It is just a vitamin, or household cleaner, or cosmetic, or whatever, anyway.
Even if there is no outlandish marketing of the product, the other thing that bugs me is that the point isn't just to convince you to buy a little bit of the product to try, or even to become a regular customer. The ultimate point is to convince you to start selling it, too. If you don't want to sell it, then you are encouraged to at least purchase a wholesale membership or something of the sort, where you get a great discount, but are required to purchase a certain amount each month or year. If you already use the product and know you are going to purchase a certain amount in a certain time period, then you could easily figure if it would make sense to purchase the wholesale membership and get the discount. But since you are just now hearing about the product and trying it for the first time, there is no way to know, and I am guessing that more often than not people end up spending more when purchasing the wholesale membership. Why else would the company push it so much?
My final gripe with these companies is their claim to be "Christian companies." I understand that the founders may be Christians, and many of the salespeople/members may also be Christians. But I believe this label is used to inspire faith in the company that is unwarranted. The sales presentations these companies do are most often quite biased, and often entice people to spend money they don't have or to make commitments that they shouldn't make, and at the very least imply financial or health benefits that are rarely delivered.
I will give two examples from my own life. When we lived in another city, an elder from our church wanted to talk to us about his particular company. We decided to hear him out. If you listen carefully to these presentations, you will usually find a way that the logic doesn't really apply to you. This company sold a variety of household products, cosmetics, etc. The minimum "investment" you were required to make each month in the company was around $200 - i.e. you needed to purchase that much of the various products each month in order to start selling the program to others and making money off the $200 they purchased each month, and the $200 they convinced their friends to purchase each month, etc. etc. But, of course, they try not to emphasize that getting your friends to buy into the program is a major part of how it works. So instead, the logic is, "Well, you probably already spend this much each month on these sort of products; why not spend it with our company instead of at Walmart or wherever, and get better products at the same time. Oh, and when you just naturally introduce your friends to the new products you are so impressed with, and they decide to try it, too, you'll get a percent of what they spend."
The conversation pretty much ended for us there. We were poor college kids. No way did we spend $200/mo. on household products and cosmetics. In fact, I had a detailed spreadsheet of what we did spend on those products, and it was less than $25/mo. Generic everything. (Even now, we probably spend less than $35/mo. We make up for it by eating out way too much.)
Another time a friend tried to get me to buy into her makeup company. She loved the products and let me try them for a week before presenting the "opportunity" to me. They were great products; I'll give you that. But I don't spend $75/mo. on my face. I just don't. Maybe there will be a point in my life when that will seem necessary or reasonable, but at that point I probably wouldn't be buying from a MLM company, because I'd just go to the makeup counter of a department store or something since I wouldn't need the money from selling the product/program myself.
Both of the people who presented their programs were people I liked and respected and were also fellow believers. It didn't change my opinion of them that they were involved in these programs, apparently it worked out well for them and they were pleased with their involvement. But the fact that I didn't buy into the programs - financially or intellectually - put some strain in the relationships. Kind of limited the relationships, really. And that was too bad.
So, there it is. My public service announcement warning you about multi-level-marketing companies. Please don't let anyone pressure you into joining one of these organizations - give yourself time to think it through and research the claims and do the math to see if it really is something you want to be involved with.
Even if there is no outlandish marketing of the product, the other thing that bugs me is that the point isn't just to convince you to buy a little bit of the product to try, or even to become a regular customer. The ultimate point is to convince you to start selling it, too. If you don't want to sell it, then you are encouraged to at least purchase a wholesale membership or something of the sort, where you get a great discount, but are required to purchase a certain amount each month or year. If you already use the product and know you are going to purchase a certain amount in a certain time period, then you could easily figure if it would make sense to purchase the wholesale membership and get the discount. But since you are just now hearing about the product and trying it for the first time, there is no way to know, and I am guessing that more often than not people end up spending more when purchasing the wholesale membership. Why else would the company push it so much?
My final gripe with these companies is their claim to be "Christian companies." I understand that the founders may be Christians, and many of the salespeople/members may also be Christians. But I believe this label is used to inspire faith in the company that is unwarranted. The sales presentations these companies do are most often quite biased, and often entice people to spend money they don't have or to make commitments that they shouldn't make, and at the very least imply financial or health benefits that are rarely delivered.
I will give two examples from my own life. When we lived in another city, an elder from our church wanted to talk to us about his particular company. We decided to hear him out. If you listen carefully to these presentations, you will usually find a way that the logic doesn't really apply to you. This company sold a variety of household products, cosmetics, etc. The minimum "investment" you were required to make each month in the company was around $200 - i.e. you needed to purchase that much of the various products each month in order to start selling the program to others and making money off the $200 they purchased each month, and the $200 they convinced their friends to purchase each month, etc. etc. But, of course, they try not to emphasize that getting your friends to buy into the program is a major part of how it works. So instead, the logic is, "Well, you probably already spend this much each month on these sort of products; why not spend it with our company instead of at Walmart or wherever, and get better products at the same time. Oh, and when you just naturally introduce your friends to the new products you are so impressed with, and they decide to try it, too, you'll get a percent of what they spend."
The conversation pretty much ended for us there. We were poor college kids. No way did we spend $200/mo. on household products and cosmetics. In fact, I had a detailed spreadsheet of what we did spend on those products, and it was less than $25/mo. Generic everything. (Even now, we probably spend less than $35/mo. We make up for it by eating out way too much.)
Another time a friend tried to get me to buy into her makeup company. She loved the products and let me try them for a week before presenting the "opportunity" to me. They were great products; I'll give you that. But I don't spend $75/mo. on my face. I just don't. Maybe there will be a point in my life when that will seem necessary or reasonable, but at that point I probably wouldn't be buying from a MLM company, because I'd just go to the makeup counter of a department store or something since I wouldn't need the money from selling the product/program myself.
Both of the people who presented their programs were people I liked and respected and were also fellow believers. It didn't change my opinion of them that they were involved in these programs, apparently it worked out well for them and they were pleased with their involvement. But the fact that I didn't buy into the programs - financially or intellectually - put some strain in the relationships. Kind of limited the relationships, really. And that was too bad.
So, there it is. My public service announcement warning you about multi-level-marketing companies. Please don't let anyone pressure you into joining one of these organizations - give yourself time to think it through and research the claims and do the math to see if it really is something you want to be involved with.
several unrelated thoughts for the day
I had an OB appointment today, and my blood pressure registered high. Not cool with my history of preeclampsia. I was surprised, because I have been measuring it here at home, and it has been fine. So the doctor started asking, have you had headaches, blurred vision, etc. (other symptoms of preeclampsia), and I told her that I've just had headaches with a cold for the last couple of days. She says, "Did you take anything this morning?" When I told her I had taken Sudafed, she said that explained the abnormally high blood pressure. I had forgotten that decongestants could raise your blood pressure. I wasn't really worried, since it has been measuring fine at home, but it was nice to find an explanation so quickly and easily. Smart doctor. :-) I also found out I get to have another sonogram at 30 weeks to make sure I don't have placenta previa (the placenta was low-lying at my first sonogram). I've never had a sonogram so late in the pregnancy, so that will be fun (assuming it doesn't show placenta previa, which would necessitate a c-section).
Also, I am feeling surprisingly better today. Heath let me get lots of sleep once he got home yesterday, and I'm sure it helped my immune system to knock down the virus quite a bit.
I had the chance to talk to a friend over lunch today at McD's, and was reminded that even if you have family in town it doesn't mean you always have babysitters when you need them. Both her parents and in-laws are in town, but both of the grandmas work. She said her husband usually has to take off work for her if she is really sick, too. Thank God for flexible jobs. So that added a little more perspective to help me to let go of my pity party. Sorry to be so self-centered yesterday.
We just had a guy deliver a truck load of firewood. I am so excited. Anyone want to come over and enjoy a fire with us? :-)
Also, I am feeling surprisingly better today. Heath let me get lots of sleep once he got home yesterday, and I'm sure it helped my immune system to knock down the virus quite a bit.
I had the chance to talk to a friend over lunch today at McD's, and was reminded that even if you have family in town it doesn't mean you always have babysitters when you need them. Both her parents and in-laws are in town, but both of the grandmas work. She said her husband usually has to take off work for her if she is really sick, too. Thank God for flexible jobs. So that added a little more perspective to help me to let go of my pity party. Sorry to be so self-centered yesterday.
We just had a guy deliver a truck load of firewood. I am so excited. Anyone want to come over and enjoy a fire with us? :-)
Thursday, February 01, 2007
my pity party, aka stay-at-home moms don't get sick days
Attention all Grandmas, Aunts, etc. to my children: Will someone please move to our city?
We knew when we made the decision to move that it would be hard not to be near family. But on days like today, I feel the loss almost more than I can stand.
I am really sick with a cold today. It's one thing to not feel up to doing any work. I don't even feel up to reading or talking or watching TV. I managed to lay in bed for a couple of hours, with the TV on Nick Jr. in our room, luring the kids to stay in there with me - though thankfully they didn't just vege in front of the TV the entire time, they brought their toys in with them and played. They also brought in their snacks, which are now scattered all over our bedroom carpet. But at least during those 2 hours, they didn't demand much and they didn't fight much, because I had little to no strength to break up fights or fulfill requests. I got up and tried to provide some nutritious food around lunch time, and now that I have been mostly upright this afternoon, the demands and fighting have begun. So in response to my pleading, Heath is coming home to take care of them for the last half of the afternoon.
I so wish I was one of those people who never get sick. Or one of those people who actually did well on 6 or 7 hours of sleep. But instead, I seem to get sick way more than everyone else, and need way more sleep, even when I'm not pregnant.
We have a babysitter in the neighborhood who we use for a few hours here and there when we really need to, but for a full day it would cost $67.50. Heath has lots of paid time off, which he didn't even come close to using up last year, but it's not really ideal for him to take sick days for me. We have friends we've made over the last year and a half, but they have kids at home and complicated schedules for school and activity pick ups and drop offs, and it would be a major inconvenience to them to take my kids for a whole day, especially on short notice. So we're back to the bottom line - stay-at-home moms don't get sick days. Even though when I was paid to work, I would have most certainly been lying in my bed at home all day when I felt this way.
I do really appreciate that I have the opportunity to stay home with my kids, and I do love being home with them, most of the time. I'm just having trouble being thankful in all circumstances today, so I know I need to work on that. I know I need a major attitude adjustment; I just haven't figured out how to accomplish it yet. I also need to work on my inability to ask people for help (which I think is related to my inability to determine if I really need help or if I am somehow shirking my responsibility and just need to suck it up - although today I know I was beyond just needing to suck it up). But despite that, I truly couldn't think of anyone that it would have been "fair" to ask to take the kids today. Thus, my request for relatives to move to town. Like, across the street would be good. Any takers?
We knew when we made the decision to move that it would be hard not to be near family. But on days like today, I feel the loss almost more than I can stand.
I am really sick with a cold today. It's one thing to not feel up to doing any work. I don't even feel up to reading or talking or watching TV. I managed to lay in bed for a couple of hours, with the TV on Nick Jr. in our room, luring the kids to stay in there with me - though thankfully they didn't just vege in front of the TV the entire time, they brought their toys in with them and played. They also brought in their snacks, which are now scattered all over our bedroom carpet. But at least during those 2 hours, they didn't demand much and they didn't fight much, because I had little to no strength to break up fights or fulfill requests. I got up and tried to provide some nutritious food around lunch time, and now that I have been mostly upright this afternoon, the demands and fighting have begun. So in response to my pleading, Heath is coming home to take care of them for the last half of the afternoon.
I so wish I was one of those people who never get sick. Or one of those people who actually did well on 6 or 7 hours of sleep. But instead, I seem to get sick way more than everyone else, and need way more sleep, even when I'm not pregnant.
We have a babysitter in the neighborhood who we use for a few hours here and there when we really need to, but for a full day it would cost $67.50. Heath has lots of paid time off, which he didn't even come close to using up last year, but it's not really ideal for him to take sick days for me. We have friends we've made over the last year and a half, but they have kids at home and complicated schedules for school and activity pick ups and drop offs, and it would be a major inconvenience to them to take my kids for a whole day, especially on short notice. So we're back to the bottom line - stay-at-home moms don't get sick days. Even though when I was paid to work, I would have most certainly been lying in my bed at home all day when I felt this way.
I do really appreciate that I have the opportunity to stay home with my kids, and I do love being home with them, most of the time. I'm just having trouble being thankful in all circumstances today, so I know I need to work on that. I know I need a major attitude adjustment; I just haven't figured out how to accomplish it yet. I also need to work on my inability to ask people for help (which I think is related to my inability to determine if I really need help or if I am somehow shirking my responsibility and just need to suck it up - although today I know I was beyond just needing to suck it up). But despite that, I truly couldn't think of anyone that it would have been "fair" to ask to take the kids today. Thus, my request for relatives to move to town. Like, across the street would be good. Any takers?
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