Stepford Wives

I am glad that we already have a church we are enjoying here. I am glad there is a cell group we can go to as a couple, and numerous Bible studies for me to choose from during the day, with child care provided. However, I had a somewhat strange experience at my women's Bible study this morning.

There were probably 50 or so women in the main portion of the study, when we watch a video. Then, we split into small groups of around 10 people. Since this was our first meeting, we went around and introduced ourselves and told a little bit about ourselves.

One by one, the women described their interests, and by the third person I was noticing a common theme. I wrote down everyone's names and interests, and at the end as I looked through, it was clear that every person EXCEPT ME had spoken of enjoying cooking and/or baking. Wow. That is nice. I used to enjoy cooking. I enjoyed being creative and producing a result that would be pleasing to my husband. Now it is such a monumental exercise, first to have cleaned my kitchen, then to have carved out time (and money) to have gone to the store to get necessary ingredients (often a task accompanied by wrangling children), and then to somehow keep my children occupied in another room, or to manage having them underfoot, or to listen to them scream at me from behind the child gate. So, not so much fun for me anymore.

There have actually been times I have thought it would be easier to work full-time simply because I could afford to never cook or do chores (speaking of which, a few of these same women also spoke of enjoying cleaning/organizing/decorating their homes). I quit work to be home with my children, but the fact that most of the cooking and cleaning fall to me now has certainly not been a "fringe benefit" - it has in fact been part of the job description I would have liked to cut out.

The second common theme was even more mystifying to me. Almost every person said they liked to exercise!! At least two even specified running! Now, I did used to be quite fit, but I have NEVER enjoyed exercise for exercise sake. Cheerleading, dancing, gymnastics - those have other goals that I found enjoyable in themselves. I guess I have always seen just running or doing exercise as empty time - my brain isn't doing anything and my body is hurting! I know it is good for me, I know it is necessary even, but I have a very hard time enduring it and would never list it as an interest or hobby, even if I did it regularly, any more than I would list brushing my teeth or showering (which incidently I have the same attitude toward, but societal pressure keeps me doing them).

Finally, there was simply an attitude of "I love-love-love it! I love staying home, I love parenting, I love every little thing about my kids and my husband, I love all the jobs I do at home!" etc. etc. Now, this is admirable. I wish I had this attitude. But right now I am at a different place, where I am exasperated and desperate for refreshment in my role as a stay-at-home mom and wife. I love my kids and husband and I am desperately committed to them, but I am really, really struggling with disciplining my kids. They test me a lot, and frankly, I am worn out by the end of every day (sometimes just by mid-morning). And, as I have already discussed, doing chores is a continual work-is-pain struggle for me. I would much rather be reading or researching something on the internet or figuring our budget or paying bills (numbers comfort me with their straightforward, black and white).

There were two or three people who listed reading as a hobby, and one or two who listed music as an interest/hobby, so I guess I am not totally without cohorts in this group. And perhaps I can take the perspective that God has placed me in this group that seems so foreign to me to teach me something. But ultimately, Heath and I decided, these are Stepford Wives! I don't think I will ever be like them, and I am not sure I would want to. I hope I will someday be someone who exercises regularly, and perhaps even enjoys it, but I don't know that it will ever be part of the core of me. I want to learn to bless my family with a peaceful home, and exercise the image of God in me by making order from the chaos in my home. But I don't know if I will ever enjoy my chores. Heath said, "Do these women have fun with their husbands?" Along those lines, I guess it is most important that each couple is totally happy with the one they have chosen. And even if Heath wishes the house was cleaner and that I was more faithful with my cooking, he would never trade my curiosity and spunk for those things being my greatest interests.

obedient circadian rhythms

Here I am again, awake before 7 am, but actually thankful this morning that the kids slept in until nearly 7 am! So, I guess that proves my earlier hypothesis that my circadian rhythms could be changed. I'm actually mostly awake.

I was thinking this morning and all day yesterday, in fact, about how the hardest commands for me to follow are the ones to not complain or argue, and not to sin in anger. There are times in our lives when it seems that obeying our parents or remaining pure or not conforming to the world are our biggest struggles. But now it boils down to this, for me anyway. I don't know if this is common to my age group, or my situation in life, or if it is just a season for me. But reading the program at church yesterday, where is said "obedient believers" could partake of communion, I wondered how obedient I am... when I can't go a whole day without snapping at one of the people I love most, or at the least complaining about something. The other struggles I mentioned - with obeying parents, or moral purity, or not conforming to the world - all those struggles were relieved somewhat as life situations changed. I suppose as my life becomes easier, as we get settled in and the kids become more and more independent, then this struggle will be less too? But it seems that I should be able to realize how to be holy in the midst of my situation first. And I have no clue how that is going to happen yet.

relief and pondering

Our house is on the market! Horray! Now comes the waiting. And then the negotiating, and details of contracts and attorneys, and then more waiting for closing date.... But nonetheless I am very happy we don't have to go back for a while. I love all the people there, but I am not loving the three and a half hour drive.

Ethan doesn't have very many words he says clearly yet, but among the few are "Elmo" and "Bob Builder." He even sings the Bob the Builder song. This is very amusing to me. I think he said "Dora" to me today, also. One more fictional character added to his vocabulary. He has also initiated a new favorite word: "No." This has been going on for a week or two, and it is getting more and more amusing, as he applies it irrelevantly or counterproductively.

Today I was thinking, as I sometimes do, of what I might think of the world and life and humanity and what it all means if I hadn't grown up in a Christian home. Because even growing up in Church, there are still times I think, this doesn't all make sense! Why is life so hard or so mean to certain people? Or to all of us at various times? It doesn't seem like a loving God would place us here to live like this. But of course I know it was not intended to be this way... it was supposed to be wonderful until we let evil in. So, then, has God abandoned the world and beings he created? Because if he is still up there watching us, and active in our world, then why does He let it be so bad sometimes?

Don't get me wrong, I know all the "right" answers. I know and believe that God does work all things together for good for those who love Him, and that He does answer prayers and heal and comfort and reveal truth and knowledge. I guess the fact that He is still active is the only reason we have any glimpses of good in our (sometimes it seems) crazy depraved out of control world.

Sometimes I think all of faith springs from the question: How did we get here? Then I think faith dies with the question: Why would God let this happen to me/them/us? I don't think people don't believe in God so much as they just don't like the God they do believe in. It is easier to convince themselves He doesn't exist by somehow writing Him out of the creation picture or whatever other way they choose to do it, than it is to face the fact that they are impotently angry at the only One who could do anything to help them, Someone who they instinctively know is infinitely powerful and truthfully loving and that they have no right to question. It is the same feeling you might have had as a child shouting, "I hate you; leave me alone!" to your parent as you run to your bedroom already wishing you could take it back and desperate for them to come after you. Thankfully, blessedly, amazingly, we do have a God who comes after us.