I was just talking on the phone with a friend about forgiveness. She and I were discussing the powerful, life-changing material that forgiveness is - the fact that it is the primary thing that identifies us as the people of God. We forgive because we've been forgiven. And she and I have had much of this material in our lives, some in the form of forgiveness received and some in the form of forgiveness given.
Before this conversation, I was speaking with another group of friends. It has been a good day for discussions with friends for me. Within this group, we were discussing hurts that occur in the Church. The irony is, despite me sharing my particular version of the Church hurting me, I didn't realize at the time how hypocritical it was - that I still do not have grace for the person who hurt me there - despite the fact that he is human, just like me; despite the fact that his offense, his insult to me was so much less than those I've received from others who I have forgiven and forgotten.
So here it is: I forgive you. I forgive you for saying I was an aggressive, hot-tempered person, or something to that effect, anyway. I forgive you for denying my husband a job because of something I had said. I forgive you for choosing not to include my family, for ignoring, not noticing us and setting us aside. I forgive you for judging us to be something that I firmly believe we are not. I let you go - I release you. It's okay - You're human just like me. Sometimes you misjudge. Sometimes you slip up; sometimes you overlook; sometimes perhaps you are even exclusive and self-protective.
Why can't we truly forgive each other, even seventy times seven; even when we know it to be the most powerful, life-giving, and transformative thing available to us? Why couldn't I truly forgive for so long? How did I deceive myself into thinking I already had, when my heart hadn't really let go?
This is who we are: We are not the pattern of the world - driven by self-preservation, self-focus, pride, the lust of the flesh. We are transformed - empowered by selfless love - loving even our enemies, forgiving each other, bearing each other's burdens, taking care of each other even when it hurts. (Romans 12:2)
It is hard not to be disheartened when I see unresolved conflict and hurt feelings between believers. But even when I don't see the community of forgiveness and selfless love that I believe God desires us to be, I will keep believing for it. Because now I realize: Sometimes God's solution is not the obvious one. Sometimes the change of heart, the realizations, the actions and words that need to happen come slowly, more slowly than we think we can stand. But I will try to wait patiently for God to work out the hurts we believers inflict on each other, remembering that often he is working in scarred hearts like mine.
