Destine and Matt C. were in town this weekend for a wedding, and we had the privilege of hosting them at our house.  One of the neat things about it was watching their 14-month old, Eowyn, and our 16-month old, Samuel, play side by side.  I had Heath take this picture of them standing together so you could see what a giant Samuel appeared to be next to her.  She is pretty sweet. 

It was so nice to see them again and to catch up a little.  I always feel like we pick up right where we left off -  like time has passed and things have happened, but we're still just as at ease with one another and still enjoy each other's company just as much.  It makes me sad when they leave because I'm reminded how much we miss them and would enjoy seeing them more often. Yet, we're glad they have the good life they have where they are, and we are fortunate to be able to stay in touch through email, facebook, and phone.

I am supposed to leave some of the pictures for Heath to post on his blog, so you can go there to see the picture of their whole family together and some more of Wednesday, Eowyn and Samuel playing.

[Edit - for those of you who don't already know Destine and Matt... Destine was my roommate Sophomore year of college, and Matt was one of Heath's roommate the same year.  Destine and Matt started dating first, and got married the summer after Sophomore year; Heath and I started dating maybe 6 months after them and got married summer after Junior year.  They live in CO now where Destine is a nurse and Matt is a stay-at-home Dad while continuing to pursue music and art on the side.  Their daughter Wednesday is 10 now and in 5th grade, and daughter Eowyn is 14 months.]

I...

Betsy tagged me, so I will give this a shot.

I am - a Christian, a wife, a mother.

I want - to lose weight.

I have - three wonderful little boys.

I wish - sometimes, that life was easier.

I hate - cruelty and deception.

I fear - losing a child or my husband.

I hear - little boy make-believe noises for cars racing, planes flying, and heroes fighting.

I search - for answers to my questions and for little boy socks and shoes every morning.

I wonder - how the future will turn out.

I always - kiss my children goodnight and kiss my husband goodbye.

I usually - stay up too late.

I am not - picky.

I dance - less often as I used to, usually only with my children.

I sing - several times a day, often while changing diapers (to get a wiggly boy to lie still).

I never - run for exercise.

I rarely - bake.

I cry - when I feel desperately sad and rarely otherwise.

I am not always - confident.

I lose - my patience with whining, nagging, and stalling.

I'm confused - about some aspects of my faith lately.

I need - to avoid illness as much as possible this winter.

I should -  repaint the walls in almost every upstairs room of our house.

I dream - that someday we will be free of debt.

I TAG - Calana, Melanie, Kim, Kelsey

In the spirit of honesty and openness...  

I am feeling confused, maybe even disillusioned, lately about my role or position.  Does it even matter that I am home with my kids?    

When I first started staying home, it was so very important to me. Important enough to justify major financial consequences.  I think I had a pretty good idea at that time of the reasons it was important to me, to our family.  It seems that as more years have passed, more of that sense of purpose and importance of what I am doing has faded - especially during the times when I haven't felt like I was doing a very good job.

I have to admit, sending Jacob to school precipitated some of these feelings.  As long as we were convinced home schooling was the best thing, the thing we wanted and needed to do despite the sacrifices, then there was a clear purpose and important reason for me to be home for each of the children.  Once we decided to send him to school, and subsequently saw how good it seemed to be for him, I had to rethink my reasons for being home.  If our kids are all on track to start public school at age 5, then it begins to change my perspective on my role.

Ethan, too, could be in preschool for 3 hours a day this year (and I wish he was, but that's another story).  I have no doubt he would be fine with that; in fact, he would probably love it.  It seems that he needs my involvement on a daily, minute-by-minute basis less each year.  ("Of course," the rest of you are saying, but I am slow to realize these things sometimes.)  So I already see my role changing in his life, too, and I have struggled to know what place I am supposed to have and how or why my every day, all day involvement is still important.  I provide toys and games and art supplies and books, but he seems to want to watch TV or play video games most of the time lately (of course, part of the reason for this is him being sick often during the last several weeks and needing to lie around).  I feel like I allow him too much screen time, but I'm not sure of how else to direct him.  After shutting off the TV, I am faced with a whining, complaining, nagging little boy.  So that definitely puts me in a position of being "involved" in his daily life, but not in a way that makes me feel more effective or purposeful.  So far, I have felt pretty defeated and burned out by his whining and nagging.  Even though I do my best to never give in, I don't feel like we have made much progress in breaking these bad habits.  If we ever do get past the whining and nagging, I'm not sure what my role would be with him right now.  I want to encourage him to play independently, while still being involved on whatever level is helpful or appropriate, but I'm not sure what that looks like at this stage in his development.  I also worry that he is not getting the stimulation he needs at this age because of not being in preschool (but like I said, we can't do much about that right now).  So, all this tends to make me feel ineffective and lacking direction in my role as at-home Mommy to Ethan.  

Being home with Samuel has more of a clear purpose for me.  He obviously needs my constant supervision and lots of interaction.  I know I am doing the right things for him, providing experiences and things to explore, talking to him and reading to him and encouraging him.  Being home with him ensures he and I stay closely bonded, it allows me to control his sleep schedule more closely and ensure he is getting the rest he needs, it allows me to monitor what he's been eating and yes, even his pooping and peeing, as well as noticing any illnesses he may come down with right away and monitoring those closely.  (Boy, does that make me sound like a control freak, or what?)  But more than all those things, I just love watching my kids grow and develop at this age.  It is so amazing to be a part of their growth when they are so quickly mastering their environment and their own bodies.  So, you can see, I can justify my need and desire to be home with him much more easily than I could if I was only home for Ethan and Jacob.

Maybe that should be enough, being sure that I need to be home for Samuel. But it's not enough for me.  Feeling ineffective with Ethan and adjusting to not being needed by Jacob from 8:00 am - 3:20 pm each day are enough to cause me to feel confused and unsure about my role.

I'm finding being clear about my purpose is important for my own mental health, too.  I have struggled with depression off and on for years, as I have previously discussed on this blog.  I struggle more with it when I don't feel effective in my role here at home.  And then I get caught in a vicious cycle in which feeling depressed about it actually makes me less effective which makes me more depressed which makes me even less effective, and on and on.  It's a classic problem with depression - you feel too frozen to get up and do the very things that would help you not to feel depressed and frozen. Ug. 

I'm not sure how to regain that sense of purpose and effectiveness in my days.  Since I feel comfortable in my role with Samuel, it would seem I need to focus on making sure I am doing the right things with or for Ethan during his time at home with me.  Perhaps that would restore my confidence and sense of purpose.