Heath is having his wisdom teeth removed this morning by an oral surgeon. Please pray for him to have peace about the surgery (always a little creepy to be put under with anesthesia), and for the procedure itself and recovery to go smoothly. Thank you! (If he lets me, maybe I can post some "chipmunk cheeks" pictures of him afterwards. :-)

why is it so hard to admit when we're hurting?

This last week to week and a half has been really, really hard. My spirit is tired.

Now I want to say something positive, so you won't all think.... whatever you might think. But I think I will resist the impulse because it wouldn't be real.

Living in this world is hard sometimes. Gotta go get the baby now... praying to not hear screaming again from the big boys for a few more minutes. My ears are tired, too.

Ethan just told me, delightedly, that he had found "two hookers."

That would be, toy trucks with winches. He loves any of the trucks with hooks. Or hookers, if you will.

comparisons

Here are pictures of each of my boys at 3 months so we can compare how they look. First is Jacob, then Ethan, then two of Samuel.

Ethan started saying something disturbing a couple of weeks ago, usually directed at Jacob: "If you don't (fill in whatever he wants you to do at that moment), it make me so mad, and I bite you!" Of course, every time he said it we would tell him not to say that. But the worst came when he said to me, "If you don't do (such and such), it make me so mad, and I bite you and bite you all over until you dead!" Remember, he doesn't understand what "dead" is really, yet. He thinks things "get dead" and are alive again many times. Nonetheless, it was shocking when he said this, and we made sure he knew he absolutely was not to say any version of this again.

So, later that day and the next day, several times he said to Jacob, "If you don't (whatever), it make me so mad, and I NOT bite you." I'd say, "Not bite?" And he'd smile and nod. After saying that a few times, he cut it down to, "If you don't, it make me so mad." Now, I haven't even heard him say that for a few days.

I honestly don't know where they get some of the things they say. It's not like we let them watch TV that has interactions like that, or read them stories with dialogue like that. But at least the "NOT bite you" version was amusing.

As we have begun home schooling, it brings up several philosophical questions for me to ponder. One question I have asked myself is, "If I know he has already mastered a concept, do I bother offering him the worksheets and/or readings on it that are scheduled in the curriculum?" On one hand, it is a confidence booster for him and gives him a sense of accomplishment to whip through a math worksheet on a concept he mastered two years ago. It makes him feel pretty smart, I think, because I remember feeling that way in school. I would whip through the worksheets as quickly as I could so I could read my library book.

Then, on the other hand, what's the point? Isn't part of the reason I'm home schooling to avoid the wasted time in classroom schooling? So that our children won't be simply "taught to the test," so that school won't be something dull for them to wait through to get to the more interesting parts of life? After all, the goal of education shouldn't be merely to transfer a certain set of information and skills to a degree that a certain test can be passed. The goal is to prepare the child to be able to actually use the information and skills in real life. So, yes, there is a certain set of skills and knowledge that need to be taught, but I shouldn't feel that it is any less valid for these skills and knowledge to be mastered through real-life experiences rather than formal instruction. If the goal is for the child to be better prepared for life, then the ultimate test is real life, right? I think we who have been through classroom education just have a tendency to think that each topic must be formally taught, worksheets filled out, and test taken, or else we are neglecting that area of our children's education. The more I learn about home schooling and, now, actually experience the process, the more comfortable I feel just letting learning happen, being primarily a facilitator.

Of course, this concept can apply in the other direction as well - spending more time on a concept that your child hasn't mastered, even though the normal lesson plan only calls for a few days. Or even putting off a lesson or concept until your child is more prepared to learn it, instead of following the benchmarks of your local school district. There is one school of thought that calls for not beginning formal reading or math instruction until a child is 7 or 8 years old - at which point they usually catch on very quickly and catch up to their peers in little time. I can certainly see the benefit of this approach for children who are either not interested or not readily catching on to reading at 5 or 6 years of age. It avoids burn out or feelings of failure or incompetence that could interfere with learning to read later when they are more developmentally ready. Would I be strong enough to endure the criticism of others for not teaching my six year old reading if I felt it wasn't beneficial to him yet? I don't know, but I hope I will have the courage and strength to make the best educational choices for our kids during this adventure of homeschooling.

Today has, so far, been a day when I want to "pull my hair out." I can't help it, I always think of my Mom's expression for it when I feel this way. I try saying it in a way that doesn't convey that I'm angry or that I want to give up - because I'm not. But it is just a state of tension brought on by trying to maintain normalcy and calm amidst an unusual level of demands.

I know they are just 3 years old and just 5 years old; I have to remember what is normal for their ages. Heath and I were talking this weekend about how we should just "embrace the chaos." We wanted a big family, and this is what it sounds and looks like. And I don't think we even qualify as "big" yet! If we do have more children eventually (according to our desire to have a big family), then it will just get noisier and busier. We need to focus on all the lovely parts, all the things that made us want to do this, and not the things that sometimes drive us crazy - like not being able to have an adult conversation whenever we want. I really have had such a sense of peace and joy over the last week or so. It has been a blessing, because I know there are weeks when I don't feel that. That is not to say that I haven't gotten frustrated and felt overwhelmed often over the last week. It's just that I have been able to periodically return to this place of comfort, peace and joy.

As the kids have gotten older and I have begun to expect more of them, I have to continually remind myself not to relate to them with a constant tone of frustration or irritation. I don't want to convey to them that they are just nuisances that we tolerate; that we don't really like them. It is hard not to do this when they act in totally illogical, exasperating ways. It is hard to administer discipline when it's needed without letting it change our emotional posture toward our children. But it is important, because I want them to know that we think they are great and that we love spending time with them. We tell them that, but I think more is conveyed in our overall tone with them than the words we may say once or twice a day.

Furthermore, I hate hearing myself using that tone and having that attitude, because it's not who I want to be. I want our children to see in our lives character that has been transformed by God's Spirit into something beautiful - more beautiful than the character they will see in non-Christians they have relationships with later on. I don't want them to end up thinking that their non-Christian friends have more peace, patience, understanding, gentleness, kindness, loyalty, self-control or joy than their parents did. Hopefully they will realize eventually that relationships within the family possess an intensity that their friendships rarely will, and therefore bring out weaknesses in the members that may never be brought out in the context of a friendship. Nevertheless, I want them to see that it is "good and pleasant for brothers and sisters to dwell together in unity" - For them to continue to want to be a part of a Christian community even when they have left our household, because they saw in our family as well as in the church family the kind of living and relationships Christ wanted in His followers.

Eowyn Agape

Destine sent me some pictures today of their new baby, Eowyn. I thought some of you who read my blog and know Destine would enjoy seeing the pictures. Destine recently became an R.N., and is working at a nursing home in Pueblo. They will be moving to Denver soon. We were lucky enough to see them for a bit on our way home from Colorado Springs at the beginning of August, the day before her due date.

Yesterday I went to Manhattan for the first time in 7 years. 7 years! I can't believe I haven't found a reason to go back before now. It was so strange to be there again. So many memories that I hadn't thought of in years resurfaced. I went to Kenoyer Hall, and it still smelled the same! How does that happen? I peeked into my old suite, even. Not much has changed. The carpet shows the years, and the lobby furniture has a few snags, but things have been kept up pretty well. I wasn't able to get in to Coffin Hall or the Campus Center, but what I could see through the windows looked the same. The major change on campus was the removal of several houses which had been converted into apartments - where 5 or so houses used to be, there is a nice grassy field. This is probably for the best, because the cheap housing those apartments provided was also pretty slummy. My sophomore year roommate moved into one of the apartments with her new husband our junior year, and it was comprised of two bedroom sized rooms with sloped ceilings, connected by a hallway. The "kitchen" was a converted closet with tiny stove, tiny fridge, and tiny sink, all within reach from the center of the room.

As I walked through Aggieville, I did see several new businesses, particularly new chain restaurants that have come to town. But the old staples were the same - bars and coffee shops in the usual places, a few established novelty shops, and a few spots where businesses turned over continually during my years there and apparently still today.

Heath took our big boys out to the "tubes" at Tuttle Lake. I think having that area near Manhattan made it possible for me to live there for 5 years. I remember my freshman year being near tears because I needed so badly to get away from people. Growing up where I did, I often escaped to the lake that was within walking distance of my home, or to the Gyp Hills once I had my driver's license. I can't go too long without being alone, or at least in a wide open space. One of the sophomores in my suite suggested going out to Tuttle Lake, and it helped me not to go crazy from lack of personal space. (Thanks to your sister, Calana, I had excuse to get out there regularly my freshman year.)

Anyway. Being back there caused me to ponder that time in my life, and how I have changed since then. As the memories flooded back, I was able to ask myself, How would current-day Jenny do that? What has changed? It's not that there are huge differences in who I am, but I am grateful for how God has moved in me in the last 7 years. I hope I am more temperate now, more grounded, more sure than ever of my faith and of His love for me. I'm still late everywhere (it's funny how many memories came back of rushing to get somewhere, praying for an open parking space); I still possess many of the same habits and personality. But I think I am more forgiving, more willing to accept unanswered questions and unresolved relationships. I still have a lot of room to grow and a lot of goals for myself. Will I ever be a person who isn't late to everything? (And why is that such a hard habit to change?) I don't know, but the more important goals I have for myself have to do with serving others more and growing in depth in my communion with God.