improvements

Things seem to have gotten better over the last (almost) two weeks that I've had Jacob and Ethan in the latchkey program. I feel like they are getting to do fun, stimulating things there, besides it relieving tension at home. They've gone swimming each week, as well as volunteering at a food bank and going to Tanganyika. As the first week of them being in latchkey ended, I felt like it hadn't worked to clear my head like I thought it would, because Samuel had still been home and acting especially whiny, fussy, demanding, and ornery. I thought maybe I had underestimated how much his difficult three-year-old behavior was contributing to me feeling burned out. But this week, I have been able to feel the difference - the cumulative effect of eleven days NOT spent listening to Ethan scream, screech, yell, hit and throw things when he is mad at Jacob, and hearing Jacob retaliate physically or emotionally (turning off the xbox in the middle of the game, for instance); sometimes hearing Jacob doing something irritating and purposefully frustrating to Ethan first, upon which I rush to intervene but usually am unable to stop Ethan from retaliating in some way, even if I prevent the initial attack (I may prevent the first hit, but he throws Jacob's toy across the room, messes up his Legos, or kicks him as I walk away).

moving forward

Well, I'm preparing my resume and shopping for work clothes. As soon as my resume is ready, I have around five-ten jobs marked for its submission. So I guess we are moving forward with the intention of me getting a job -- whether full-time or part-time, and what field precisely, is yet to be seen.

Lord, have mercy

This weekend, I went with my mom, my cousin, and my aunt for a weekend of fun in Kansas City. It was lovely. We got pedicures, swam and sunbathed at the hotel pool, went to a funny movie, went shopping, and ate at good restaurants. And we had lots of time to talk, talk, talk and laugh together. All the things we like to do. It was great to spend time with all of them and share the things that are going on in our lives, get back up to date after years of not having much concentrated time together. It was good to be with people who are like me in sometimes strange ways, to be reminded that there is a history behind who I am and affirmed in my place in it.

I came home refreshed and reset and ready to face the next two weeks with a renewed perspective and energy. I told Heath I was going to be the best stay-at-home mom ever today -- the best one who has my situation and my inborn resources, that is.

It took until lunch time before things started falling apart.

a better day

Today was quite a bit better than yesterday. For one thing, I had gotten a ton of sleep - went to bed around 7:00 pm and didn't get up until 7:00 am. I did wake up for around 30 minutes and have a snack around 11 pm, but other than that, I slept almost 12 hours. The day started out looking like it would be the usual, and I still felt a heaviness draped over me, but then I received two encouraging emails and an encouraging phone call from friends who had read my last few posts. I think after that the tone of my day was changed permanently. Even when I got some really bad news about a friend, I wasn't totally knocked down for the day. It made me very sad, but also reminded me that things could be much worse and that turning my attention and energy to other's needs can make mine feel a little less suffocating.

struggling - part 3

I don't know what to do to make this situation better. I really need some time away from my kids to gain perspective. Usually the grandmas are able to take the kids individually for a while each summer, but that didn't work out this year. Also, these last three days Heath was in Phoenix for work, which was necessary but not helpful. Before that we had a weekend where I was abandonded with the kids by myself while he went out and did fun stuff for about 30 hours straight with guy friends who were in town (okay, he did sleep in there somewhere). Sorry, guys, but also not helpful for a depressed stay-at-home mom who needs every possible break she can get from the kids.

I feel like there is no one to help me with this.

struggling - part 2

Heath thinks I should seriously consider getting a job. He thinks I would be happier, because I wouldn't be driven nuts by the kids all day, and instead (theoretically), I would miss them and be refreshed to see them in the evening. (I think he forgets here how he is often not overwhelmed with delight to see them when he come home from work exhausted.) He also points out that it wouldn't necessarily shift the full load of housework to the evenings and weekends, since a lot of our current load of housework is created during the day by the kids' play and simply from the process of living and being in the house all day long.

As for me, I think it would probably make our lives crazier.

struggling - part 1

I find myself too often in the position of really not liking my children. I feel horrible about this. But they really are just jerks sometimes. They demand and beg and nag, and then don't listen to me or obey the rules, don't even give me a response when I speak to them much of the time! They whine about my rules and fight against them; Ethan throws huge tantrums, Jacob pouts. They inflict shocking frequencies and degrees of violence on each other with complete disregard for my pleas to stop. What is there to like sometimes, honestly? Yet, I know my job is to love them when they are undeserving of it, to be faithful to them and to honor the deep connection we share, as well as my commitment to them as their parent. And I will do so. In the meantime, I need to find a way to live with them and maintain an example of peace and love, rather than a display of anger and attempts to control which I cringe to see them repeat on each other. I really am not sure how to become that example of peace and love and to stop displaying anger and trying to control by force. But as part of the process, I am going to write the things that they sometimes do or are which remind me of my deep love and affection for them. (And I guess I'll pray these characteristics would start coming out more than the negative ones again!)

meddling with mood meds

It seems that my depression, anxiety, or whatever it is you want to call my struggle with my emotional state, is no longer responding to my meds. This is really frustrating. I started going to a specialist for my mood meds, rather than just my regular doctor, shortly after Samuel was born three years ago. I had maxed out my dose on Zoloft during the pregnancy, since I seemed to need more as my blood volume and weight increased. But after Samuel was born, even the max dose didn't seem to be working. The psychiatric ARNP put me on Effexor, and with follow up the dose was increased slightly past the manufacturer's max dose (the psychiatric community recognizes that more than the max dose can be safely used and is necessary for some people). Some time later, when it seemed that Effexor was still controlling most symptoms, but I was experiencing a sort of bleed-through on certain symptoms, she added Wellbutrin to address those specific symptoms. It seemed to work reasonably well. One can't really expect symptoms to vanish 100% with antidepressants. The medicine is supposed to help level emotions so that they can be dealt with constructively, not to prevent ever feeling any negative emotions.

So, I've been on this Effexor/Wellbutrin combo for a while (a year and a half, two years?), and I had decided it was probably the best regimen available for me for now. But lately, it doesn't seem to be working at all. If it is actually improving my emotional stability and moods, then I can't imagine how I would be acting and feeling without any drugs.

my "new" couch

So, here's what we ended up doing for a "new" couch... We found a better used one, much less used, for $75, and put our old couch cover on it. However, the old couch cover was not large enough for the new, longer couch, so I went online and found a new couch cover on clearance ($30!! Can you believe that?? I think our other one was $100 new.) I am very, very happy with the "new" couch. The cover is awesome, fits great and is soft, and the couch itself is way more comfy than our other one ever was.

Heath, Ethan, and Samuel demonstrate how long the couch is - it had to be long enough for Heath to stretch out, head to toes, or I couldn't buy it.

eww!

Thought you all might be interested in the pathologist's report on my gallbladder. :-) This is straight from the report. Warning: It still makes me shudder with revulsion to read it, even though it's referring to my gallbladder.

silly struggle

I am having this struggle lately with wanting to buy new furniture. Struggle, I say, because we can't really afford it, at least not to pay cash for it. I usually distract myself from this temptation by remembering how wonderful it is that we've had to buy hardly anything for our home -- it's almost all been given to us, either as wedding gifts or as hand-me-downs from family or friends. Such as...

lost sense of humor?

I feel like I don't have anything interesting to blog about anymore, and I don't know why that is. I look back through my old posts, when Jacob and Ethan were preschoolers, both before and during the first year after Samuel was born, and it seems like life was full of funny antecdotes. Do I not see them anymore? Have I become so accustomed to how kids act that it doesn't amuse me the same way anymore? Am I too focused on myself to notice their cuteness, the humor in sometimes exasperating situations? Has my attitude toward it all changed, darkened?

Well, I don't know whether those things are true or not, but wouldn't you know that as soon as I noticed that I wasn't noticing cute or funny things my kids do, I noticed something cute Samuel did. So, despite not having many funny stories to share lately, here is one:

wonderful things

I have decided that minimally invasive surgery is one of the most wonderful modern inventions. It's hard to believe that two days ago, a surgeon cut into my abdomen in 4 places and inserted tools by which he, essentially, dissected my internal anatomy. Granted, the incision sites are pretty sore, like one would expect, but I am still amazed that I can be sitting up and walking around so shortly after surgery! Also amazing: modern painkillers. I let the pain medicine run out a bit yesterday morning and realized just how much it was helping. I am back on schedule and determined not to stretch the time between doses again for another day or two.

surgery

Those of you who I see somewhat regularly have already heard about this, but there are some of you who might not have heard yet. I'm having my gall bladder removed this week, on Thursday. I had a couple of "attacks" last month, and upon investigation, they diagnosed me with chronic cholecystisis, which is basically inflammation of the gallbladder. No stones were visible on the sonogram, but the wall of the gallbladder was thickened (6 mm versus 2-3 mm normally), indicating chronic inflammation, which (according to what I read) can cause the gallbladder walls to thicken and become stiff.

my journey through faith and science

I'm wondering if I can even write this post with my spectrum of readers in mind... My uncle who has earned his living from science for the past 30 years or more on one end of the spectrum, and the most conservative of my Christian friends on the other end of the spectrum. Sprinkled in the middle are the rest of my friends and readers, a group which consists, as far as I know, almost entirely of devoted followers of Christ, yet with varied opinions on the issues that make one a "conservative" or "liberal" Christian. Yet I will try.

For some time now, I've been wrestling with whether or not it is really possible to fit a belief in evolution into my faith in God.