interesting discussions in the van

The boys were off school yesterday for MLK Jr. Day. (At the end of the day, Jacob said, "Wait, today was MLK Jr. Day! Why didn't we do anything for it?") They spent the morning embroiled in video games, taking forced 30 minute breaks two or three times for fighting, but by lunchtime we managed to get everyone dressed and out of the house. We visited Daddy's office, since the older boys hadn't been there for quite a while, and then we went to McDonald's for a late lunch and climbing fest. They were still fairly perky after McDonald's, so I decided to risk going by the mall to pick up some jeans that were on sale. So, all in all, we spent quite a bit of time in the van - enough time that we had several interesting discussions.

First, on the way to Daddy's office, we saw an armored truck, and I commented on it. I asked the boys if they knew what an armored truck was, and when they didn't, I explained it as well as I knew how. They were fascinated that the driver might carry a gun and wanted to know why. This led to a discussion of police officers carrying guns, since I had explained the armored truck driver's gun by using the example of a traffic cop wearing a gun as a precaution and so people would be hesitant to mess with him, even though it is unlikely he would actually need to use it. This, then, led to the question of whether one can survive getting shot. I told them that it is possible, and explained some reasons why getting shot would or would not be fatal. I also said that in certain situations, someone might even intentionally shoot someone in the leg to catch them without killing them. (Heath told me this was not entirely accurate because most people wouldn't chance missing the fairly small target of a leg, but since Mama was giving the info, they get Mama's take on it.) At this, Jacob said, "Yeah, or maybe they'd just go up and hit him with their gun to knock him out." The kid has been watching Daddy play Halo 3 on the xbox 360 too much. I did tell him that it was an unlikely scenario except with the most highly trained and specialized police officers, or if someone happens to have a special armored suit like Master Chief.

Later, when we were loading into the van after leaving the mall, one of the boys asked about how my dad died. I can't even remember what prompted this question, but Jacob has been thinking about it more lately, I know. I explained and reassured them that it was a very rare occurence, so they didn't need to worry about it happening to others they love, and furthermore, that there are now better medicines to treat it. In the course of explaining what happened to my Dad, I said that we didn't get him to the hospital until the infection was pretty advanced, and there is a chance the antibiotics could have stopped the infection if we'd gotten there sooner; but it's also possible they wouldn't have been able to stop it no matter what, and we just can't know because we can't redo it. At this, Jacob started talking about how in the future, maybe we'll have a time machine, so we can travel back in time and warn my dad to go to the hospital early in his sickness. Then, the boys concluded, they'd get to meet him when they warned him, but they still wouldn't have him when they went back to the future because he'd be "like, 100 or something" by then. So I guess this time machine is slated to be developed in the 2040's.

Finally, on the way home, the boys were talking again about how they want to be soldiers when they grow up. I keep telling them that they can be soldiers, but that most people don't do that for their whole lives; they have other careers as well. Jacob says he can't decide between soldier and scientist. I told him he could be a scientist in the military, which caused Ethan to ask what things a person could do in the military, prompting a woefully inadequately response from me, along the lines of "all kinds of things." Jacob piped up before Ethan could question me further and said that he wants to be a soldier on the ground who is shooting and throwing grenades and fighting. (Again - too much Halo 3!) I told him that we don't always have a war going on which requires those things. Maybe this isn't entirely accurate, but I didn't want him to be picturing that as a predictable component of his future plans. They were surprised by this idea, and so I explained that the current wars our military are fighting only started after 9/11. And then I had to explain what 9/11 was.

Explaining 9/11 in their terms was hard. It brought back all the sorrow of it for me. How could a group of people carry out such an act that horrified and grieved all of America? Even those of us with no one we knew who was killed grieved with those who did. I kept my explanation grave but not overly dramatic for the boys, of course, telling them about the hijacked planes, explaining briefly what a terrorist is, and explaining what it did to the WTC towers to be rammed by jet planes. I told them how many people died and how the US responded with the war in Afghanistan because of the terrorists' bases there. I also explained the build up to the Iraq war and how it was believed Hussein had ties to the terrorists and/or had nuclear weapons, but how no nuclear weapons were ever found, so it has become a controversy now with some people thinking we never should have gone into Iraq; how now we are trying to finish the job and help both countries get stable governments before we leave. The amazing thing is, Heath asked Jacob about it when he got home from work, and Jacob was able to report the basics back to him very accurately. He even remembered that the WTC towers were in New York. I have always been amazed by Jacob's verbal comprehension and memory, from the time he was three years old. As usual, Ethan gets pulled into discussions at a younger age than we would otherwise have planned simply by having a brother who is only 19.5 months older. They think they are basically the same age, and I don't think either of them can imagine a scenario where we allow Jacob to hear or watch or discuss something with us that Ethan can't yet. I hate it that Ethan is getting exposed to some harsh things earlier than Jacob, but I guess it is the way it goes with the second born. I'm afraid we're going to have to explain more about human reproduction to Jacob soon, lest he get an inaccurate or even worse, sleazy, explanation from other boys at school, and we are going to have to find a time we can have that talk with just Jacob.

One last thing I just remembered - Jacob explained the Big Bang theory to all of us in the van as well. I was on the phone with Heath during part of it and only able to listen with half my attention. I finished the call and capped off Jacob's explanation by saying, "Yes, that is the way scientists think the universe came to be. And we know that God created everything, so if that's how things came to be the way they are, then that's just the way God chose to do it, right?" Jacob was a little upset that I said scientists "thought" this was how it happened based on the evidence they had, since obviously no one was there to witness it and know exactly, for sure. He told me indignantly that we are still feeling the aftershocks of the Big Bang, so we KNOW that's what happened. After trying to explain my position a couple more times and hearing his adamant rebuttal, I said, "Okay, I'll have to look into that." I'm not sure about the aftershock thing, honestly, so I'll have to look it up.

The kind of discussions we had yesterday are one of the reasons why I was so reluctant to send Jacob to school in the first place - why we stuck out trying to home school long after it became difficult. I still think we made the right decision sending Jacob and Ethan to school, but I am reminded of the kind of natural, interactive learning that can happen in the family when I have days like yesterday. And I love it.

unpleasantness you probably don't want to bother reading

I wonder if maybe I am just too angry to be a Christian. I sincerely desire to follow Jesus, and I really try to trust and follow God's way. But I find that my emotions get the best of me. I've been fighting them for 32 years now, and I still haven't found a way to get around the destruction they cause in my life. Today, as on so many other days in my life, I am just angry at nearly everything. I'm angry that I couldn't find my iron this morning when I needed to iron my dress for Aunt Fern's funeral, because someone didn't put it back where it belongs. I'm angry that I couldn't find my baggie of thread spools to mend the sleeves on my dress, even though I am probably the one who put them somewhere illogical, and because there is no order in my bedroom because I am overwhelmed by the amount of housework there is to be done, so I had a very slim chance of finding them. I am angry that I got stuck in Schulte on my way to the funeral because the van wouldn't start after stopping at a convenience store, and particularly because I had already gotten stranded with the van not starting after Tae Kwon Do lessons a week ago, in the freezing cold no less, yet no one has looked at the van to see what caused that between now and then, not looked under the hood or taken it to the shop, not to mention not noticing that the oil hadn't been changed for 7 months. I'm angry because Heath says I'm simply blaming everything on him today (whether or not he's right), and because he didn't notice when I was fixed up for the funeral today, and because the bank won't call me back about our refinance closing tomorrow. I'm angry because Haiti had an earthquake and Pat Robertson is an arrogant idiot. Huge things like that and tiny things like not being complimented by Heath, they all tie me up in an unproductive, miserable, twisted mess of nerves on days like this. I'm angry because I don't have the resources in me to deal with my kids fighting - I simply don't. I'm angry because whenever I'm brutally honest to anyone who will listen like this, Heath won't like it. But yet how can I be honest and be me without sharing anything with his name in it? My whole life is wrapped around his! Honestly, I just want to sleep for a very long time. I'm so tired. Why am I always so tired? Oh right, I don't go to bed on time. But it doesn't seem like it should be this bad. I'm perpetually angry at myself for my weight and the way it makes me look. Really, that is such a volatile subject for me that I can barely discuss it with anyone. I can't even describe how desperate it makes me feel, and I really think that many women, maybe even a majority of us, carry these same feelings inside about our weight/body shape. And now on top of it, I notice that the skin on my face is changing and will never be the same; I am aging! So even if I ever get my body shape back toward normal again, I will never look like I did before I had babies, even with clothes covering my stretch marks. I am trying to ignore this and pretend like I know it is shallow, and I am not concerned, but I really am fairly devastated about it. Am I having a pre-midlife crisis or what? I just do not feel like being all nicey-nice today and finding some way to not sound caustic and irritable. I don't feel like being reformed. I don't feel like writing a blog that anyone would want to read. I don't want to try to see things from a different perspective and be reasonable. I didn't wake up today wanting to be angry about everything. I woke up thinking it would be a nice, enjoyable, productive day. But somewhere around Samuel's third poopy diaper and searching for the iron this morning, things started to go downhill quickly, building up to the van not starting in Schulte. I want to assert my control over something to show that I still do control anything; to burn something up or throw something away or cut my hair. Maybe that's why I feel compelled to blog when I feel like this - I can post something on the internet and no one can tell me to be quiet or to be reasonable. Sort of like graffiti without the risk of getting arrested. Like writing "life sucks" in big letters on my notebooks in Junior High. In college, I used to cut or dye my hair or pierce something. Now that I'm a Mommy, I blog.

irony

Doesn't it seem like you always end up yelling at the kids after the least bothersome episode of naughtiness in a string of naughty episodes? They will be acting crazy, disobeying, being disrespectful, and I will tell them once, twice, maybe three times, "Hey, guys, this is not okay. You can't act this way; you know that." But then finally, they do one more thing, and it is enough to make me snap. I guess with each of the previous episodes, I think, "There, that reminder will get them back on track." But then it doesn't, and at some point I realize that the behavior is continuing almost as if I haven't said anything about it.

I think that must be what makes me snap - the appearance that they have not been listening to anything I've said, that my words don't have any significance to them. On a personal level, it makes me feel unimportant and unloved, even though my adult mind knows that their lack of adherence to my rules doesn't necessarily equate to their feelings toward me. That may nail down the essence of why repeated disobedience is so very offensive to me, though: The thought that, "If you aren't listening to me, it is because you don't think I am important, and by-gosh I better be important in your life because you are my child! I didn't go through labor and wipe your butt a million times to NOT have an influence on you."

So, apparently I need to remind myself that the boys lack of adherence to my rules doesn't equate with their feelings toward me. They may feel that I am very important, even the most important person in their life right now, and they may be deeply attached to me, but still not want to (or have difficulty with) obeying the rules. I mean, I love my husband very deeply and am very committed to him, but there are still times that I don't want to do what he wants me to do. As a grown-up, I get to argue the merit of my perspective, but if he's not convinced, and I still don't want to do what he wants, he will probably feel slighted and offended and in general, grumpy about it. But the fact is, it doesn't mean I love him any less, even if it feels that way to him - it just means I don't want to do what he's telling me to do. And of course, this goes the other way, too, with me feeling unloved when he won't do some self-sacrificing act for me that I am asking him to do, and I am not able to be convinced of the reasons why he can't or won't do it.

So, maybe I can avoid a little bit of irony in my life if I can remind myself not to take their disobedience so personally, not to snap at the third or fourth or fifth offense - which it so happens is usually the least meriting of a scolding. I can't decide whether it makes me look and feel more stupid to yell at the most grievous violation of the rules in an evening, even if it occurs with no misbehavior preceding it, or to yell at the least grievous violation of the rules in an evening, which occurs after several more serious violations have earned only reminders or warnings.

I mean, come on, and listen to me when I tell you not to put your hands on the sink drain where the germs wash down! I don't care if that's where all the alluring bubbles are, didn't you hear me say not to do it? And you know not to answer me in that baby voice with a one-word sentence and a silly look on your face - that only makes me more irritated.

Right? Definitely worth getting upset over, don't you think? Sigh.

retreat

I have to say that the WM retreat was really wonderful and certainly helped to renew our feelings of connectedness with our church family. Thanks to the generosity of my mom, we were able to have the freedom to talk and listen to other grown-ups much more than usual, since she watched Samuel for us all weekend. Jacob and Ethan came with us, but they were able to play outside with the other children with minimal supervision most of the time. I was reminded, as I frequently am, of just how special the people of WM are and how blessed we are to be a part of a community such as it. What a privilege to spend almost a whole weekend with so many of them. :-)

Heath took pictures and made them into a cool YouTube movie. You can see it here: Wheatland Mission Retreat Video

(I have waited several days to post this entry hoping Heath would make the edits he wanted to the video, but I have decided I can't wait any longer. So I'm sorry if some of the heads are still cut off.)

Halloween

kids update

In some ways, it seems that I have less to say on this blog as the kids get older. But in other ways, there is still a lot to say, but I simply don't have the time to record it all!

I'll start with the oldest child. Jacob is doing well in school, both academically and socially. It's such a blessing to not have to worry about either of my kids in school. He has friends and told us that he leads the kids at recess in their soccer games. Not that he knows the rules of soccer - but I guess he directs everyone as to what kind of game they are going to play on the soccer field with the soccer ball. I said, "Well, that makes sense that you would be a leader, because you know, Daddy is a leader at his work." Jacob said, "Yeah, I know." (Of course, Mom, I already thought of that.) He is a voracious reader, finishing a book every other night. After he plowed through the entire Magic Tree House collection we bought him this summer, I have started going to the library and checking out 10-15 little books at a time. He finishes them well before the 4 weeks are up, and I go get some more. We've discovered Encyclopedia Brown and The Littles now, so hopefully those series will keep him busy for a while. Luckily, I can still pick out educational historical fiction, like The Sword in the Tree, Riding the Pony Express, The Drinking Gourd, and Sam the Minuteman, and he thinks they are interesting. I have checked out many of the books in the Sonlight curriculum we were going to use for homeschooling, and he has enjoyed reading them. It makes me feel like we are still reaping some of the benefits that I was anticipating from using that curriculum, even though we're not actually home schooling.

Jacob is in "talent pool" for math, which means he gets taken out of the classroom to do higher level math during the regular math time a few times a week (I can't remember exactly how often). His teacher is also collecting information to get him tested for the gifted program by the end of the year, potentially to start the program in third grade. I'm not sure how I feel about that - I guess it could be really good for him. I certainly like it that he is getting more stimulating math at school now. The things they were doing in class he's been doing for a couple of years already. He just "gets" math. He told me that talent pool is way better than regular math, that they do things like 8+A=32. I said, "And you know how to do that?" He said "Yeah." (Again with the tone, like, "Well, yeah, of course, Mom.")

Jacob's behavior has become so easy and pleasant, although he still sometimes gets carried away with things with his brother and stops listening to us. We still have our conflicts with him, but they are much fewer and less intense. A firm reminder usually sets him back on the right path, with a few exceptions, like generalized wildness before bed.

Now to the second oldest child. Ethan also seems to be doing well in Kindergarten. He started a little "behind" by today's standards, in other words, not already reading. Ridiculous! He was not as interested in learning letter sounds or sounding out words as Jacob was during his preschool years, so I didn't push it, since I don't believe it is in any way necessary to read at that early age. When he started Kindergarten, the teacher put papers in his take-home folder with a page of letters in random order, to practice recognizing letter sounds, and columns of words, like cat, hat, rat, sat, bat, etc. The goal is to work through the pages - first recognizing all the letter sounds, then moving through the three-letter words columns. He took a while to get all the letter sounds, but now he has it and he is working quickly through the columns of small words. He's still behind most of his class in completing the columns, since he had to spend more time on letter sounds, but he's going to catch up pretty quickly now. I wanted to be careful that the process and the pressure to learn this didn't cause him to hate school or to think he "just wasn't good at reading" or something ridiculous like that. He's only 5, for heaven's sake! Thankfully, he has been mostly willing to practice (and I don't push it when he's not), and he is super excited that he "reads now!" They'll start sending home little books to read each night after Christmas, and I think he'll be ready. I have been thankful that his teacher seems to hold a similar view, that despite having goals and plans for them learning to read in Kindergarten, we don't pressure them, we still let them be kids. His teacher has been doing this for about 20 years, starting back when we only taught letters in Kindergarten. So he has a broad perspective that I appreciate.

I think Ethan is doing well in the friend arena, as well. He has always been extroverted and good at making friends. When I visited for lunch and recess, it seemed to me that he knew and was playing with everyone. But then when I ask about his friends, he'll say he doesn't have any, or that he only has one or two. His definition of "friend" must be a little bit different than mine. Also, he sometimes tells me things about school that are not altogether accurate in order to be dramatic or to get attention in the midst of Jacob sharing interesting stories about school, so I don't know. He had one friend that he really liked who sat across from him, who moved after a few weeks of school, and he was sad about that. But now he has made friends with two other boys who sit at his table, so hopefully those will be friendships that will last throughout the year. He also has two little girls he is friends with, identical twins in his class. I suspect one or both of them probably thinks he is her "boyfriend," but I think Ethan is clueless about it. So that's pretty cute. I don't think he can tell them apart, but he plays with both of them.

Ethan's behavior at home is still pretty crazy and difficult. He has an incredible amount of energy, is always moving, and physical with other kids and objects/furniture around him. He is loving and sweet at times, but he also pushes his limits constantly. I know he'll get it eventually, and I'm trying to be patient. But it can be maddening to tell him for the millionth time not to "discipline" Samuel, not to exact revenge on Jacob, to let us deal with his brothers instead; not to say "hate" or "evil" (as in "Sam is evil" or "Jacob is evil" - we think that is too strong and don't want him to say it) or to talk about bodily functions all the time. His teacher says his behavior is mostly okay at school, except for wrestling other kids during rug time. I can just picture it!

Now to the youngest child. Samuel has become two. He turned two five months ago, but he only became two a month ago. Since he became two, he has unrolled a roll of TP and tried to stuff it down a shower drain after removing the drain cover, taken handfuls of ashes out of the fireplace and spread them around the family room (including over the electronics), and removed about 15 keys from the laptop keyboard. On top of those major events, he also tries to empty soap dispensers and cover the bathroom counters, mirrors and floors with water whenever possible and gets into the Vaseline next to the changing table and spreads it all over himself and his bedroom surfaces whenever opportunity arises. I have put doorknob covers on a couple of doors and resorted to locking the bathroom downstairs much of the time. He also throws toys, but we have been working on curbing that habit for a while. It didn't seem like a big deal until all this other stuff was added to it. Onery! He is just so onery! It'll pass, I know. He had just been really ridiculously easy and pleasant up to this point, and we didn't think we'd go through this kind of stuff with him. He's also recently decided he's done with naps. What?!? Yeah, he's not even two and a half. I am not so happy about this development. But I'll put him in his bed, and he'll stay in there and talk for 30 minutes and finally wander out. He doesn't even act tired, so I don't feel like it's fair to force it. I really need my nap time break to survive, though, so I've got to figure something else out. He's been napless for at least a week now.

Samuel is talking more every day, and I am delighted about that. It is so fun to hear his words and ideas. He labels things as "BIG" in a deep, gruff voice, or "cute" if it is small. He is recognizing some colors. He's using many three or four word sentences, though I doubt people outside our family could understand him. He had started going in the potty, and I thought maybe we would potty train early with him, but now he has decided he's not interested. Maybe a couple of times a day he'll want to go in the potty, but he has no reservations about going in his pullup the rest of the time (or in his underwear if we put those on him again). I think it is probably not worth pushing the issue at this point. Maybe on a weekend, we will try again just with underwear and see how it goes. He may just be in an independent/rebellious stage now that is not conducive to potty training.

Well, that covers some basics for the kids. I'll try to post Halloween pictures soon. :-)

How much?

**Here is an entry I wrote back in December 2008 but never posted. I decided to edit and post it now. **

The other night, we were discussing with my in-laws Rob Bell's newest book, Jesus Wants to Save Christians. The book points out the tendency of God's people to forget that He is a rescuer of the oppressed when they themselves are no longer members of the oppressed. Bell reminds his readers that God always hears the cry of the oppressed and the needy, and that we are to represent His merciful, rescuing nature to the world.

As we reflected on this truth, we realized the difficulty in agreeing about precisely how this translates into real-life action. Bell is calling us to a higher level of giving than currently exists, and many of us would agree that the poverty that exists worldwide is sickening, especially in light of American affluence.* So we agree that we need to give more as a group, but how does that translate into our individual lives? Is there a point at which Christians should draw the line in their lifestyle and say "This is enough; I will give the rest away"? Or is there a point when we can agree that the poor among us are provided for, so it is okay to have whatever lifestyle one wishes, within one's means?

I do not think that God wishes all of his people to be at exactly the same level of wealth or poverty; I don't believe making a lot of money or having a lot of wealth is inherently displeasing to God. Rather, I see how God works through His people who do make a lot of money or have a lot of wealth to bless others who are in need. It is only when God's people hoard their wealth at the expense of helping the poor that the wealth becomes an obstacle to a relationship with God. In that situation, the poor suffer, but the wealthy also suffer as they cling to their wealth and forget their God.

Even when Christians who are high earners or born wealthy are willing to give, there is still the decision of how much. How much to keep and how much to give? Furthermore, in giving, should one concern oneself first with our fellow Americans, or primarily with the desperately poor in other countries?

We do have some government programs to help Americans in need, but do these programs meet the needs that exist? Here are some interesting numbers I compiled about the qualifying income for a family of four for various government programs:

$42,850 - maximum amount a family of four can earn without paying taxes

$42,400 - to qualify for State-sponsored health insurance for children (for a fee)

$39,783 - to receive Earned Income Credit

$39,220 - to receive WIC vouchers

$31,806 - for pregnant woman or child under age 1 to be on Medicaid

$28,194 - for children 1-5 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

$27,564 - to receive food stamps

$21,200 - for children 6-19 to be on Medicaid (higher limits in some states)

These amounts may conjure a wide range of reactions in those who see them. Some may think, "How does anyone live on that amount!" Others may think, "That's not so little! I can't believe the threshold is so high for certain programs." This reflects the difficulty in deciding what it means to care for the poor. Consider this: According to the Census Bureau, among poor families (earning less than $21,027 for a family of 4):

66% have living space of more than 2 rooms per person (on average a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom house), 75% own a car and 31% own two cars, 97% have a color television, 55% have two or more TVs, 25% have a large screen TV, 78% have a VCR or DVD player, 62% have cable or satellite tv, 89% have a microwave oven, 64% have a clothes washer, 58% have a clothes dryer, 50% have a stereo, 33% have a dishwasher, 91% have phone service, 33% have both landline and cell phones.

I am not listing these statistics in order to downplay the difficulties faced by families in poverty. I am simply illustrating that the standard of living that we perceive as "minimal" for Americans is changing. When my mother was growing up, her family had almost none of the conveniences listed above, nor did most middle class families (of course, many were not invented yet). Even in my childhood, a family considered poor would usually not have phone service or a television, and certainly not a washer and dryer, dishwasher, microwave, VCR or cable service. We have gotten used to our conveniences and can't imagine what it would be like to live without them, so we have come to think that everyone must have them. So often when a family is having trouble making ends meet, it is in light of this lifestyle which we have made the norm in our society. This illustrates that food or shelter insecurity is not often an ongoing condition for families in the United States. Even among the poor in America, food and shelter needs are generally met, allowing other amenities to be acquired. So, the needs of America's poor are more likely to be help in a temporary housing or food crisis and help with other less critical but still important needs, like health care and education.

Turning our attention to the poor outside our country, we are faced with a much different picture. People in other countries are truly starving, lacking shelter and clothing, lacking clean water and basic protection from disease. God's heart and the heart of His people cry out to meet these critical needs. It often seems beyond our grasp to truly make a difference for the huge number of desperately poor, but we can at least contribute to change.

So, what do you think? Do you have a lifestyle limit in mind for yourself (or others), beyond which any income would be given to the poor? How do you think we should balance our giving between home and foreign countries? How do we define need, and is it possible to agree that needs are being met, short of coming to a point of everyone having essentially the same standard of living?

*Heath pointed out the need to reword this sentence, when I at first wrote that American affluence is sickening in light of worldwide poverty. Actually, the poverty is what is sickening and wrong.

plans

I have made some changes to my plans for day care for the upcoming year. My original plan was to go at it full-force - to take the maximum number of children I was allowed to take, to put all my energy toward it. Now, I've decided that I am going to limit myself to 4 children instead of 6 during the day - that is 3 plus Samuel. I think this will be more manageable and keep me from getting too overwhelmed or stretched thin, insuring that I have the energy I need for my own family, too. However, if at some point all the children I'm caring for are potty-trained 3 and 4 year olds, then maybe I could consider caring for more than 4 during the day. It's been harder than we expected to do housework in the evenings - after feeding the kids and putting them to bed, we are both more than ready to quit working for the day. So, maybe taking four instead of six children will allow me to keep up on some of the cleaning necessary for day care during day care hours.

Right now I only have one extra child I am caring for. I purposefully didn't advertise my openings until just a couple of days ago, because I wanted to have a light load during the last couple of weeks before school started. Part of me thinks I should have waited to start day care until my big boys started school. This summer, having them home and doing day care, was harder than I thought. Yet, I don't know if I could have done anything more for/with them had I not had day care children here. I still couldn't have taken them to the pool for long periods of time every day, unless they wanted to stay in the baby pool with Samuel and I the entire time, since I can't keep all three of them safe by myself in the deeper water. And I don't think I could have done any more to manage their fighting without day care kids here. At least caring for day care kids reassured me that I was still doing something well, despite being unable to prevent or control my big boys' fighting at times. How can they love and rely on each other so much and still torture each other the way they do? Having breaks from each other now that school has started certainly helps their relationship and my tension level.

Work and money are funny things sometimes. I read an Amish fictional book recently, as I do from time to time, and I was reminded of how much our work can make us feel important or unimportant, powerful or powerless. The Amish purposefully chose jobs that keep them humble. They don't educate their children beyond 8th grade because there is no job in the Amish life that requires higher education, and they believe that higher education would only serve to make members of their community proud and elitist. It is an interesting thing to ponder, I think - how much we choose our jobs because of the importance and power they confer, or how much we choose them simply to provide for ourselves and our families. I don't want to be poor -- I don't think any of us does, really, just for the sake of being poor, although some choose it to draw closer to God. I think providing for our family is the main reason Heath and I work, and in the fields that we do. But the element of gaining prestige or significance from one's work does creep in at times. However, even if we wanted to choose a very simple, humble life now, scaling down our housing, rarely eating out, getting rid of our tv service, high-speed internet (gasp!) and our iphones (gasp!), we would still have the little matter of our debts, mostly education debts. So we work to pay them off, and in the process we become accustomed to a lot of other perks. But I also get mad at the money and the work it requires, sometimes. Why do we need so much of it? Why does it seem we can't live on less? No matter how much we make, why is the debt still so hard to pay off? It shouldn't be so mysterious or difficult, but sometimes it seems like it is.

I am finding I rarely have the chance to post even the most blog-worthy events anymore! So I am thinking I need to just do shorter entries whenever I can squeeze them in, in order to record some of the things that are happening in our lives. So here's one:

Samuel loves to go potty on the potty seat. Last night, when I changed him before bed he was completely dry after about an hour and a half in that diaper. So I asked if he wanted to go on the potty, which of course he did, and instead of just a tiny amount like the other times he has gone, it was a regular amount! I was so excited! Then, this morning he wanted to go on the potty again, but only had a little bit to pee. I put a pullup on him thinking I would let him try again later. But before we could try again, he came to me without the pullup on, holding a wet wipe and trying to wipe his own bottom but needing help. I found the pullup discarded with the poop in it, but Samuel had run in to sit on the potty seat before I could wrestle him onto the changing table to get cleaned up. I let him sit there for a bit, dumped the poop from his pullup into the potty so he could flush it, cleaned him and toilet seat up. Then I decided to put underwear on him to see if maybe he is actually ready to be trained. (I don't think putting them in pullups is really effective for serious potty training, just for letting them gain some familiarity with the process before they are really ready to start going on the potty consistently.) He didn't want the plain white underwear on because his pullup was cooler. But then I got out the Spiderman underwear. He said, almost reverently, "Spidey!" and eagerly put them on.

Unfortunately, he wet in that pair fairly quickly. But he was immediately concerned and told me about it. (Some kids are oblivious and will continue to run around wet until you find the puddle.) He sat on the potty to see if he could go any more, then we found a pair of Cars underwear for him. I have a timer set to put him on the potty again. I know it is really early for this, but he seems to want to learn if possible. I'll let you know how it goes!

(sorry for the poor quality; it's a phone picture - here he is wearing the beloved Spidey underwear)

our vacation - part two - pictures!

our vacation - part one

Our Florida vacation was wonderful! Exactly what we needed. Mostly in the interest of supplementing my own memories, I'm going to describe a little bit of our experience. I don't expect that everyone would want to read all this detail, but if you are one of the few who do, here you go.

The first three nights, we stayed at the Westin Imagine Orlando, a four star hotel which we were fortunate enough to get for half price on priceline.com. The hotel is specifically designed to be restful, from the “Heavenly Bed” and “Heavenly Shower” to the signature scent – white tea and aloe - that is in the lobby as well as in the “Heavenly Spa” toiletries provided in the bathroom. The room we stayed in has a king size bed and kitchenette (the rooms with two queen size beds do not have the kitchenette). The "Heavenly Bed" consists of a thick pillow top mattress covered with high quality sheets, a light down comforter, another flat sheet on top of that, and finally a fluffy fiber-fill comforter. There were four thick feather pillows, two long king size and two regular size for each of us, plus a long bolster pillow. The “Heavenly Shower” consists of two shower heads, one above the other, each with a choice of massage or regular spray. The rooms are decorated in sage, aqua, ecru, and beige – again, designed to be restful. The kitchenette has a sink, microwave, small fridge, and cabinets and drawers equipped with a few essential dishes, utensils, and small appliances. We certainly enjoyed having access to it for our late night bowls of cereal and chilled pop and frappaucinos. The counter and furniture tops are all a solid surface and the bathroom floor and shower walls are tiled. The hotel has a nice pool surrounded by padded lounge chairs, big umbrellas, and glass-top tables, with a poolside bar offering outrageously priced drinks. (Heath thoroughly enjoyed two $10 margaritas.) I had forgotten how relaxing it could be to float in the water, simply to relax and cool off, with no one else to watch over. Finally, the hotel has valet parking, which I thought was silly at first, but a necessary expense in order to stay here, but which turned out to be a luxury we have really enjoyed.

Our meals were wonderful. We looked up restaurants ahead of time, to see what other travelers rated as their top picks. Le Coq au Vin is a small French place, not very busy for our Friday late lunch, but absolutely delicious. Heath had a corn and crab chowder that was very smooth and buttery – it tasted like comfort feels. I had rabbit for the first time, which was covered in a lovely prune sauce and served with fresh green beans and carrots and macaroni and cheese unlike any macaroni and cheese I'd had before. The cheese was something rich and textured and the sauce was accented with some kind of spice or small vegetables – I couldn't tell exactly what. Heath had the coq au vin, which was also covered in a wonderful sauce and served with the fresh green beans and carrots, but with egg noodles instead of macaroni. His sauce was more like a rich, wine-flavored, thin brown gravy, whereas mine was a bit thicker and sweeter. We shared a glass of the house Cabernet Sauvignon, which was quite good. It was from a winery in France whose name escapes me, nothing I'd heard of before. If we lived in Orlando, I could see this becoming our favorite date restaurant. As we left, we read the signed pictures and plaques from congressmen and Presidents for whom the chef had cooked, and made note of the many awards the restaurant had received.

For dinner Friday, we went to Roy's, a Hawaiian restaurant. We had a sushi roll to start, which was wrapped in salmon and some other kind of fish and had spicy tuna in the middle. There was also rice coating the outside of the roll and thin slices of avocado on top. It was quite interesting and not what I expected. I can see how you could develop a taste for sushi, but I don't see myself going out of my way to have it again. I am glad we tried one of their sushi rolls, though, since I think I would have regretted it if we hadn't. They also served complimentary steamed edame with a special seasoning sprinkled on it, like other restaurants would serve bread before your meal. It was crunchy and sort of addictive, cracking open the shells like peanuts and popping the beans into one's mouth. For our meal, I had salmon coated with some sort of cheese – I can't remember what it was called now - served with barley accented with almonds and a mustard vinaigrette on the side. Heath had the hibachi-grilled salmon, which had a sweet soy sauce mixture on it, and was served with a strange little cake of white rice, shaped into a triangle and rolled on the outside edges in some spices. There were also thinly sliced cucumbers and carrots in some sort of vinaigrette served with his salmon. It was all very good and very unique. Not a place we would want to go all the time since it was just so strange and different to us, and pretty expensive, but an interesting place to go for special occasions.

For lunch Saturday, we went to a highly rated local place for sandwiches (after two rich meals in a row, I craved something light!). Pompoms Tea House and Sandwiches was small and out of the way, but the relaxed atmosphere, warm and upbeat staff, and the creative menu were just what we needed. We both had the Cobb sandwich, which was turkey with melted blue cheese, bacon, avocado, watercress, and red onions (which we both left off), on your choice of bread and pressed like a panini sandwich, only without the grill lines. Very tasty and filling, and also very affordable. I had the Chai, which included free refills, much to my surprise. Heath tried a local beer, Orange Blossom Pilsner, which contained orange blossom honey. No beer tastes good to me, but Heath says this one was good. We admired the photos displayed on the walls from a local artist before leaving.

After another afternoon lounging by the pool, we lazily got around and decided to pick a top rated Italian restaurant for dinner Saturday evening. Magianno's Little Italy was the best Italian restaurant I have been to so far. The atmosphere was delightful – 1940's theme, with many old painting and photographs all over the walls, old music, curtains, furniture – everything the way it would have been back then. The stuffed mushroom appetizer and the Lobster ravioli were fantastic. Heath had the special, Chicken Florentine (covered in Parmesan cheese and pan fried), with creamed spinach and buttered potatoes on the side. He had the house Merlot and I had coffee with cream, both of which were quite good accompaniments to our meal.

Sunday, we checked out of the Westin and moved to the resort where Heath's conference was Sunday night through Wednesday noon. Our room at the JW Marriot was very similar to our room at the Westin - similar size and luxuries, except lacking a kitchenette and having a larger bathroom with separate shower and bath instead. But the hotel which contained our room and the conference center and grounds adjacent to it were just amazing. Grand is the word that comes to mind. Tall ceilings, floors and walls made of marble, enormous paintings on the walls, sculptures and pottery on tables, huge chandeliers, and a huge fountain in the center of the lobby. There was a golf course, lazy river swimming pool, spa, playgrounds, sand volleyball court - I'm sure I'm leaving something out. Of course, we didn't actually have time to enjoy any of that (and even if we had the time, I think we still would have spent it lying by the pool, like we did at the Westin!). It was impressive that there was access to it, though. There were also little overpriced clothing shops and salons off the lobby and even a Starbucks. We had access to, I think, six restaurants at this resort. We ate at Citron after Heath finished his session Sunday evening, because they were offering a special for attendees of his conference and the menu looked interesting. It was good food, but I think I would have preferred it not to be a buffet. It was a fancy sort of restaurant where you would not expect a buffet, and I found I didn't know what to try and what to put together for a meal. I did like getting to try all the miniature desserts, though.

I have pictures that I will download and post later. To sum it up - we basically slept and slept and laid around by the pool and read books and talked and ate at really good places. It was perfect. :-)

this week

I am really sick.

That's the first thing that had been hard this week.

I woke up at 4 am Tuesday morning thinking, "Oh, my throat!", took ibuprofen, went back to sleep for a few hours, and managed to make it through the day. Each day the pain in my throat and ears and the vicinity has gotten worse, but I've had to keep doing day care and taking care of my own kids because...

Tuesday morning, the email server for Heath's department's customers went down. He told me he would be at the office "until further notice," and it's pretty much been true. He's come home to sleep for a few hours here and there, and yesterday he actually got home shortly after 6 pm and stayed until 8 am this morning (taking work calls and messages from here). Not that I noticed, since I went straight to bed when he got here.

So I've done daycare from 6:30 am - 5:50 pm each day, taken him dinner, then put the kids to bed - except for last night, I pointed him to the leftovers in the fridge and let him put the kids to bed, while I went straight to my own bed.

This morning, my throat and the vicinity were even worse, and I thought, "There is no way I can do this again today." I called all my day care parents and told them, except for one, the little girl who comes at 6:30 am, who I couldn't reach in time (and I don't think they would have had any other options, anyway). Then we tried to call the teenage babysitters we sometimes use to see if one of them could come over and help for the day. No luck. So I've been trying to plow through by myself. It has not been pretty.

I finally got the two two-year-olds down for naps now, so I only have Ethan to keep happy for the next hour and a half (probably just an hour now). Heath says he will be home at a normal time again, so I might get a welcome break, until tomorrow morning at least. He'll have to leave work in time for church tomorrow, because he is doing the teaching since Paul will be gone.

Part of me is amazed that I've made it through this week so far, but part of me is just disgusted with my weakness, i.e., the fact that I have now given in to feeling really angry and nagging Heath to give me the support and help I desperately need, rather than being "supportive" and happily bringing him meals and such, blah blah blah. I come back around to thinking over and over that I just wasn't not cut out to be an adult.

Stupid week.

Happy Birthday, Samuel!

My baby is two years old today! I can't imagine life without him. What a joy he's been so far, and I look forward to all the years to come!

just an update

Allright, so I've been horrible about blogging. But I realized that it is the only way of keeping up with some of my out-of-town friends, and I want them to feel connected to me like I do to them when I read their blog posts. So, even if I don't write anything profound, I figure I should still say something on here occassionally.

So far, I think I am really going to like doing day care. I only have two full-time day care kids right now, an almost one year old baby girl and a 32 month old little boy. But I also have the neighbor boys, almost 5 and 7, here every other day and will soon have a 2 and 3 year old who are here every other day (maybe opposite days from the neighbor boys? don't know for sure yet).

Each child has a unique way of speaking that I have to get used to. The 2.5 year old full-time little boy doesn't speak very clearly yet, though he does talk quite a bit. So it's always a guessing game. It seems like something about the dog is usually a safe guess. He follows the dog around and even has him in his bed to nap. Then, the younger neighbor boy, who I've been around quite a bit, has a unique way of talking that I am still not quite accustomed to.

A:"Look." [holding a book about sharks]

me:(excitedly)"Sharks!"

A:"They bite you?"

me:(soberly)"Yes. They bite you. But lucky for us, they are mostly way out in the ocean where we will never see them."

A:"What about a yellow duck?"

me:"A yellow duck?"

A:"Yeah, they bite you."

me:(reassuringly)"No, yellow ducks don't bite."

A:"What about a white duck?"

me:"No, they don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying a WHITE duck bite you."

me:"White ducks don't bite either."

A:"No, I'm saying they do bite."

me:"Uhhh.... Well, I think they just have bills. No teeth."

A:(insistent)"No, they bite."

me:(acting surprised)"They do? Who told you that?"

A:"At the zoo. We saw ducks and I put down my hand and it bite me!"

me:"Oh! Do you think he thought your hand was a piece of bread?"

A:(looking at hand)"But I don't have no bread."

me:"No, you didn't, did you? But maybe he thought you did?"

A:"Yeah."

me:(reassuring)"But ducks don't try to eat you. Sharks try to eat you, but ducks might just think you had a piece of bread."

A:"Yeah." [wanders off to play]

This was one of our more successful conversations. In the past I have sometimes abandoned the conversations and just nodded and agreed because of the sense that we were not communicating with each other.

I am very pleased that the 2.5 year old full-time boy has had no trouble napping and has seemed happy and adjusted here. The almost 1 year old baby girl requires a lot more attention, of course - still needing to be spoon fed, fighting taking naps, and simply being fussy and wanting to be held more. But she's so cute and really is sweet - it's just normal stuff for her age. I think she'll not fuss to be held a lot and not cry at nap time as she gets older and more used to our routine.

The first week that Jacob was out of school was crazy. I thought I would have to send Jacob and Ethan to a different day care while I did my own day care! Their behavior, and specifically the way they set off and intensified each other's spells of misbehavior, was just miserable. I realized that that is exactly the sort of thing that makes me feel incompetent, out of control, incapable... you get the idea. This was contrary to the way I had been feeling lately about doing day care and, in general, about parenting. I had felt like this new venture was suited to me and would allow me to feel productive and effective and competent. But if this is how my own boys were going to act..! I looked into summer day camps, but none took 5 year olds, so it would only be an option for Jacob, and all but one were quite expensive! And then, this weekend, they got Daddy day camp - which had as its main feature no screen time, the very thing they were nagging me to death over and the source of many fights. Interestingly, they have been much more manageable, even enjoyable at times, during day care hours this week. (Huge sigh of relief.) Granted, part of it was probably the need to adjust, for Jacob, to a different environment, and for Ethan, to having Jacob home full-time again. But I was worried for a minute there. I'm hoping the rest of the summer will be smooth sailing.

Yesterday, for some reason, was an incredibly busy day care day - I felt like I was on my feet continuously doing something from 6 am to 6:30 pm (although I wasn't actually). I told Heath I hadn't worked that hard since I waitressed - and not the piddly waitressing I did in GC; but the kick my butt cause me to lose weight when I was already skinny waitressing I did in Wichita and Manhattan. Isn't it ironic how food service jobs pay so pathetically when they work you so hard? It is the same kind of labor intensive work that I was dealing with yesterday, too - cleaning things to certain standards. I have to continuously have my dishes done, which is fine, since I should have been doing that for the last 12 years, really. But there are other things that were not previously part of my routine - like cleaning the changing pad with a bleach solution after each time we use it, and washing not just my hands, but the baby's hands each time they are changed. Enforcing that each child washes their hands with soap before and after each meal and after each potty break. It takes much longer with 7 kids than with 3! And the regulation says it has to be soap and water - not hand sanitizer or a wet washcloth like we have often used to quickly clean our own kids' hands. Hand sanitizer is only supposed to be used when soap and water are unavailable. Toys are to be sanitized once a week, and each child is to have individual bedding that is washed once a week. I also try to sanitize the tile floors once a week, and I need to sweep almost every day (depending on how much we were inside and whether we had any snacks downstairs). I have to ensure that meals include milk, meat, bread, fruit, and vegetable - even if I know the children won't eat it. I guess studies have shown that a child may need to be offered a food 8 or 10 times or something like that before they will eat it. So we throw away a lot more this way, but it is probably the right thing to do to keep them healthy long term - to give them a taste for a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the perspective that fruits and vegetables are a necessary accompaniment to every meal.

At any rate, the detail of the regulations reminds me of side work in waitressing. Are the salt and pepper shakers filled almost to the brim, but not so full that it is hard to get out? Do you have twelve of each of the varieties of sweetener, and are they positioned in the right order in the container? Did you wipe down the legs and backs of the chairs and the ledges and decorations in your section? Did you refill every container in your assigned section of the back of the house, wipe down every horizontal and vertical surface, sweep, mop, clean the microwave, fill the ice? All at $2.13 an hour after you're cut from the floor (not taking tables anymore). The requirements for day care are a lot easier to stomach since it is readily apparent why they are my responsibility rather than anyone else's and how they relate to my prosperity, versus the restaurant owner's.

photo shoot

It's pretty hard to get three boys to smile and look at the camera at the same time, but Heath made a noble effort. I think we got several good shots, and a few more amusing ones.