Saturday, September 25, 2010

my drug of choice

I have recently developed an addiction to the Twilight saga as a means to cope with the horrible monotony and pain inherent in the daily exercise of being a grown-up. Something about Stephanie Meyer’s magical writing allows me to completely relax and to enjoy a fantasy world that is completely unrealistic. But it is such a relief from reality that I have a hard time pulling myself away from it to do anything else with my free time, which pisses my husband off and leads to arguments that then make life even more painful. Isn’t that lovely?

I think I become obsessive about certain things as a way to cope with especially stressful times...
I am thinking of when we were planning our wedding, and I wanted to escape into the thrill of planning every available moment between our engagement and the wedding itself. Again, Heath was frustrated and angry and complained that I could think or talk about nothing else. He finally forbid me to talk to him about it except for one day a week in the months leading up to our wedding. It was not a great time for us.

I think in times of stress I cling to whatever can give me a little escape. Getting married was stressful, but getting lost in the vision of a beautiful, perfect wedding day helped me cope. Starting a new job, going back to work after 8 years at home, is insanely stressful, and escaping to a make-believe world of kind vampires helps me cope now. I agree I show all the signs of addiction when I become obsessed with something like this. Yet I still tend to think it is selfish for Heath to take away my drug of choice, my only tool to numb the pain of existence right now.


  1. When I saw on my RSS feed that you had updated, I was excited to read about how life has changed since the job. I've been meaning to email (sorry I haven't) to catch up a bit. Sorry you feel so alone, and that things look so bleak. How can I/we come alongside you and support you? You're not alone, there is hope.

  2. Michele, you are so kind. I don't know what can be done about my sick perspective right now... Every person, every family has their own struggles to deal with, and we can't ask anyone else to take ours on in addition to their own. My job itself is good, day care seems to be working out for Samuel, and we are somehow managing to pull everything together and get everyone to work and school each day. But still we experience disillusionment and difficulty... Heath's job, for one thing, has been full of pressure and caused him to have trouble sleeping, so then he has been continually exhausted and stressed out for I don't know how long now -- a year, maybe? There are other specific things, I can tell you if we have time to talk some time. Maybe if we make some changes like Heath and I talked about things will start to get better. Thank you for caring about us.

  3. Escaping...One of my favorite things to do-dark night, everyone asleep, chick lit, and Bud Light Lime. Matthew never got it, which is why I waited for him to go to sleep. :) And, as a lighting reader, I just finished (read:skimmed the conflict to get to the happy ending)a book each night. Hard to do with a series! Here's hoping you all soon find a path through the forest. If I find a flashlight-I'll let you know. :) Love you.

  4. I was so so so obsessed, very very obsessed with the Twilight Saga. I think Brent was relieved when I came out of that phase. It took a while though!! I've read them all twice and like watching Twilight when I need a pick-me-up. LOL!